<p>Sadie2: I also believe that “love can equalize things”. There will be occassions when our children will disappoint us and themselves. As parents, it is our responsbility to address those situations and discuss solutions in a rational manner. I always make it a point to end those disscussions with an “I love you”. I would never want a child of mine to even think for one second that my love is contingent on performance or behavior.</p>
<p>SevenDad:</p>
<p>Funnily enough, my son was in the car with me when the NPR interview came on. His reaction was intense. His summation? “Oh, you think I went too far. Forgive me!” He’s forbidden me to buy the book–“Don’t give that woman any money.” He particularly did not like the story threatening to put a three year old out into the cold, and the children gnawing on the piano.</p>
<p>I think it would be interesting to ask our children for their reactions to the article.</p>
<p>Having not read the book( and, from accounts, maybe even if I had) it is impossible to discern how much is hyperbole.</p>
<p>Finding a balance in parenting is hard - heck - its an art. I have trained dogs and horses for much of my life, but certainly human beings are the most challenging of all…</p>
<p>I think LOVE, LUCK and HARD WORK in adequate portions of each, are 3 key elements here…</p>
<p>My 13 year old read the book over the week-end. From the “hoots and howls” coming from her bedroom, she found the book hysterical. All the focus seems to be on Amy Chua, but I am more curious about her two daughters. I have not read the book - Are they well adjusted, do they have friends in school, how do they actually do in school? Where does “Mr. Chua” fit into all of this? Does he agree with this parenting model or just “going along to get along?” And my duaghter tells me one of the children is “gnawing on the piano???” Sounds like a house of horrors to me. And this woman is a professor at Yale?</p>
<p>On my morning commute this AM, I listened to an interview with Mark Wahlberg and David O. Russell, the star and director of the Oscar contender film, “The Fighter”.</p>
<p>Wahlberg was reflecting upon his own mother, and he definitely was hinting at “Chinese Mother” qualities…and he hasn’t turned out so badly…</p>
<p>Has anybody read this week’s Time magazine. Amy Chua’s story is on the front cover.</p>
<p>This may alread have been discussed, because I haven’t had time to read the whole thread. I enjoyed the piece Katie Couric did on CBS news comparing Amy Chua’s philosophy with real Chinese mothers in China.</p>
<p>It seems that everyone is moving toward the Center. Amy Chua’s attitudes may be signature attitudes rather than those that reflect the mother country today.</p>
<p>I see it as a postive sign that Chua’s memoir has eventually been accepted quite positively by the mainstream media. Not as what’s prevalent on the Internet where many people (me included) take issue in her extreme ways of implementing strict parenting, the media seems to be focusing more on the gists of the “Chinese parenting model” and how they can help address the problems in our society instead of the details of Chua’s questionable implementation. It does feel like the right attitude.</p>
<p>Agree with you DAndrew, that seems to be the more intelligent approach to this issue, and I dislike personal attacks in general. But Amy Chua does seem to have brought a bit of this on herself with her pretty direct “put downs” of American parenting - a country where she chose to raise her own family, and by all accounts a culture that has served her well. Now, I think the American model of parenting could use a good “tune up” myself, but something about the way Chua appropaches it with that superior attitude just ruffles me. My 12 year old son calls her “Cruella”! (I know, I just said I dislike personal attacks.)</p>
<p>“Are you a “Chinese mother”?” I have absolutely no frame of reference for this parenting project…Simply making it up as I go along.</p>
<p>btw: really liked Madaket’s post #21.</p>
<p>Years ago, my daughters used to study ballroom dance. It’s a bigger sport in Europe than it is here. At one of the competitions there was a six year old (yes - six) Romanian girl who blew us away. She danced with the sophistication of an adult even though she didn’t have the stature. Her mother was once a competitive dancer. During a lull, I noticed how her mother brutally bossed her around (think stage mother from hades) and how, when her mother wasn’t looking, the young girl flirted with men. Every now and then she’d catch my eye and you could see a lot of rebellion going on in that head even though her outward demeanor was complacent.</p>
<p>The mother bragged that her method of discipline was to make the young girl do hundreds of squat thrusts when she misbehaved or didn’t practice her dance steps. We all knew she’d be out of the house and most likely pregnant by 16.</p>
<p>Sometimes brute force makes for lousy parenting. I think I’ll stick with the “US” philosophy of self-esteem building.</p>
<p>If you read any of this article from the Exonian, read the last paragraph, or just the last sentence. </p>
<p>
</code></pre>
<p>The last sentence seems a little self-serving to me. There are lots of schools who don’t reward mediocrity and give out B-'s as deserved.</p>
<p>Also, again this stereotypes China and Chinese family values. CBS News did a great piece on the real families in China and Chua’s methods are not mainstream there either.</p>
<p>Very well written article, and perhaps one of the most balanced pieces I have read on the subject of Amy Chau. I am still not convinced. The fact remains that there are many, many children that exel in academics/music, and that gain entry to our nations top schools. My belief is that the vast majority of them were not subject to the parenting tactics of Ms. Chau. So, if superior performance is your goal, there appears to be different paths to that destination. I am COMPLETELY certain of one thing - a child will remember for the rest of their lives being called “garbage” by the very person who brought them into this world.</p>
<p>The style of parenting Amy Chua terms “Chinese Mother” is also known by an older term, “stage mother.” As I wrote earlier in this thread, I don’t think that any parent who’s willing to allow their child to board would fit the “Chinese Mother” bill.</p>
<p>I am worried about a turn in the larger debate, not only on this forum. Some people have come out in favor of this style of parenting, or at least used it as a standpoint from which to bash “self-esteem loving, progressive Western parenting.” </p>
<p>While Chua’s daughters seem to have done well in school, I don’t think that running your children’s lives guarantees success. I could also point to people who have dared to follow their own interests, and thus found success. It is not necessary to make your children miserable because they were number 2 in the class. If you look up the Wikipedia entries for Stephen Fry, Stephen Hawking, J.K. Rowling, and Bill Gates, you’ll see early life stories in which children were allowed to be children.</p>
<p>I don’t recommend that anyone follow Stephen Fry’s trajectory, by the way, although he seems to have done pretty well for himself, participating in theatrical productions. I’m sure the “living icon” stuff must get old. 
Bill Gates was noodling around with computers at all hours, which contradicts the piano, violin, and obsessive work model. J.K. Rowling studied French and Classics, which as everyone knows won’t get anyone anywhere. Stephen Hawking was a “good, but not exceptional student” at St. Albans. Just think what he could have done with the help of a “Chinese mother!”</p>
<p>I read Chua’s book and found myself laughing out loud and agreeing with her underlying message, if not with all her methods. Most people on this board have a balanced approach to rearing their children already. I am more concerned about the other extreme that exists in this country, kids who receive no discipline, have an indifferent or defiant attitude toward educational achievement and parents who don’t have high educational expectations for them. If a community is sending a message that being smart is not cool or speaking proper English is laughed at, there is a serious problem. Chua’s parenting, while sometimes extreme, does produce more desirable results than the opposite extreme. I think the parents in the middle are doing fine, but in some communities, the Tiger Mother’s approach is needed to kick an entire generation of children into higher gear. </p>
<p>However, I must admit that however much I like Chua’s approach, I personally know that the Tiger Mother approach is not going to work for every kid or every family. I would like to think I am somewhere in the middle in my approach, but after reading Chua’s book I tried the Tiger Mother approach with my middle daughter…for a day. She has advanced to the next round of the local Spelling Bee and I thought I would try a few Tiger Mother tactics to “motivate” her. It started when I asked her how she felt about the competition and she responded that she was going to do the best she could in the competition. I unleashed a tirade, explaining doing your best means hard work, hours of study, giving it your undivided attention, how all the other kids are preparing day and night while she was “hoping” for a good result blah,blah, blah. I ended with telling her I would not attend the competition if she planned to lose and failed to study x number of hours a day. My d had tears in her eyes, and I felt like crap. The Tiger Mother approach is hard on parents and kids in my estimation. My d decided she would not study at all for the competition, and in fact, she did not want to participate anymore and would let the alternate go in her place. I thought what would Amy Chua do, threaten her with no food or water, ban extra curricular activities, end all sleepovers. Maybe, but I quickly came to my senses. After an apology we found a better solution, her favorite candy as a reward for each hour of spelling bee study. I immediately knew I was a failure as a Tiger Mother, candy and rewards for effort would not be allowed in the Chua household. But so far this approach is working with my d.</p>
<p>@Periwinkle: It’s interesting you use Bill Gates as an example because I would argue that he also had an obsessive work model, it just happened to revolve around computers and not the piano. He’s one of the people mentioned in the “10,000 hour rule” section of Malcolm Gladwell’s Outliers. I guess one could argue that his parents weren’t making him walk/take the bus/ride his bike to the local university’s computer lab at all hours as he did, but they seemed to be fine with him doing it/did not stop him.</p>
<p>I have hinted at this before, but I was raised in an Asian tradition after moving to the US with my family at a very early age. My folks had very high expectations for my brother and me. They were not initially fond of us pursuing sports, which they thought would be at the expense of academics. At the time, I know that I resented some of their methods, rules, and pressure. But I always knew that it stemmed from love and a desire for a better life for their kids. These days, I am so thankful for the way my folks raised me and choose to spend a substantial amount of time with them and my kids together — the girls adore and are adored by their grandparents. </p>
<p>And hey, I ended up at an Ivy (the prize that sushgah and so many others seem to covet) and run my own business. My brother is a physician. Would we have accomplished these things if we hadn’t had the upbringing we had? Maybe, maybe not. If anything, I have regrets that I didn’t work harder down the paths my parents set before me at the time…especially when it comes to speaking our native language.</p>
<p>Though I would certainly not consider myself a “Tiger Mother” I do think that I am a lot more blunt and perhaps more critical than most parents. I certainly don’t “throw praise like confetti” as the author of the Exonian article mentions and honestly, I think that does more harm than good most times. An example: Once, when my daughter complained that another girl always got the leads in plays, instead of sympathizing with her, I said, “Fine. Maybe she gets the part because she’s better than everyone else. That’s fair. If you want the part, be better than her.” Perhaps what makes me different from the Tiger Mother is that it ends there. While I would have supported her effort to “be better” I wouldn’t force it. The motivation would have to come from her. But I wasn’t going to say, “Oh poor baby. I know it’s so unfair.” After all, the other girl was clearly better. Deal with it. I don’t know what kind of mother that makes me. Another short example is when my son didn’t really want to prepare for the level of a public speaking contest that would have brought him to the state finals. I told him what he should do to prepare but I didn’t force him to do it. I did tell him not to be surprised when he was eliminated. He was, and when he came home, he just said, “You were right.” and I said “duh” and that was the end of it.</p>
<p>I think it is a fact that Asian students are overly represented in all top boarding schools. Do you think this is a result of this Asian style of education (not necessarily the “Tiger Mother” style)?</p>
<p>There is a zillion page thread about this topic in the college parents forum of CC. “Chinese mother” style is not applicable to boarding school parents anyway, as Periwinkle pointed out. We are happy to let Exeter be the “Chinese mother” to our kids. Isn’t that convinient?</p>