At what point do you know it's not right?

Parents Forum
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<p>Six weeks into her freshman year and our daughter is miserable. It's not just homesickness, thought that is part of it (the school is 2000 miles from home). It's more that she is having trouble "fitting in." She says the school is full of pot-smoking hipsters and that's just not her. She sees shallow relationships ("hookups") and that's not her either. This particular school has a lot to offer but she's having trouble taking advantage of all of it when surrounded by people she just isn't clicking with.</p>

<p>Again - it's only been six weeks, and she's in an all-freshman dorm. Both are factors that we parents are considering. But at what point do you think we can definitively say "it's not right" - or "I think it's going to work"?</p>

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<p>what has she already tried and what has been her pattern to get to know people in the past?</p>

<p>A freshman dorm may have more of the " omg my parents aren’t around and I am going to overreact" sort of behavior.</p>

<p>Does she think one of her other schools in retrospect would have been a better fit?</p>

<p>My older daughter was at a school that some may have found was full of " pot smoking hipsters", but although she didn’t fit into that category, she also felt after a month that she had found " her people"
I think it depends a lot on the individual whether they will eventually find enough to love.</p>

<p>I am not sure how my younger D is doing at her school, but it has only been a week or so- however although she was not excited about the choice, she has been doing things to meet other students. ( joining sports teams et.al.)</p>

<p>I think it helped that she was able to find a roommate on their message board that I think should be a good fit even if the dorm they were assigned was not even on D’s list of five choices.</p>

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<p>Its WAY too soon for her to throw in the towel. College is a huge transition, especially since she is far from home as well. Many freshman “go wild” their first qtr, until they and their parent see their grades. She needs to get out of the dorm more, give it until the middle of Spring next year, and then, if she is still miserable, she should consider transferring. Be sure she goes to classes, and keeps her grades as hi as possible, because she will need recommendation letters from college profs as part of any transfer application.
My son was also miserable during the first part of his freshman year,and decided he wanted to try and transfer to one of the other colleges where he was accepted. The result: one year later he transferred there, and quickly realized that he missed many of the friends he finally HAD found by the Spring of his Freshman year, as well as realizing there WERE many good reasons for choosing that college in the first place, and transferred back.</p>

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<p>What ECs or sports was your D involved in before college? Is it possible to join a club or intramural sports team and find more people like her? What about a faith based or religious group? Does she have an on campus job, where she could socialize after work with some of her co-workers? </p>

<p>Six weeks maybe too soon to throw in the towel unless she has exhausted all other avenues in finding like-minded friends.</p>

5

<p>We are lucky that D1 just loved her school from day one. But this July she went to study abroad, for over a month she hated the place. She didn’t like the girls in her dorm, she didn’t like the city (country), and she didn’t like their whole transit system… she was basically just miserable. It was doubly hard because we were 7000 miles away. I pushed her to start her pre-arranged internship earlier in order to meet more people. I also suggested for her to make some guy friends if she didn’t like the girls. I am not sure if it’s with my suggestions, or out of desperation she started to try find ways to make herself happy. She found a core group people to hang out with (mostly guys from an all male residential college), and her internship has turned out to be quite rewarding. I just received an email from her to say she’ll be very sad to leave when the time comes. </p>

<p>What you have described about what your daughter doesn’t like about her school pretty much describes most of colleges. On the other hand, there are also kids who do not participate in those activities, your daughter just hasn’t found those people at her school. Without knowing your daughter (is she the type that has a hard time adjusting to new environment), it’s hard to say when it’s enough. I would encourage her to join some ECs she would enjoy, try to make some friends there. I think 6 weeks is too short. Like with my daughter, when she realized that she had to stay for 4 months no matter what, she tried to find ways to be happy, and she was lucky to be able to get over it.</p>

<p>What your daughter is experiencing is pretty normal for many freshmen. It may also not be as bad as she is making it out to be, whereas you on the other end of phone is taking it all to heart (I have to admit it was hard for me to listen to my daughter complain too). Sometimes what is best is for your take a deep breath, give her some encouragement over the phone, and let her figure it out for herself.</p>

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<p>My S, who transferred after his freshman year, was convinced he was at the wrong school by about week 12. What really sealed the deal for him was visiting a friend at another college that was more his style. I actually think he could have found his happiness at school number one if he had been more open to the possibilities and stuck it out, but once he had it in his mind to leave, he had no more interest in the place and gave up on it. I guess my bottom line here is that this will be your daughter’s decision, not yours, and it’s unlikely you can influence her very much one way or the other. In any event, transfer applications are not due for quite some time, so she doesn’t have to make any decisions now. It is essential that she keep her grades high to maximize her transfer options–S was so unhappy he let his grades slip and was foreclosed from transferring to schools of equal selectivity/prestige to the one he was leaving.</p>

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<p>Suggest that she send out a couple of transfer applications for the Fall 2010. This will give her options at the end of the academic year if she still hates it. It’ll also take off some of the stress if she knows that she has an “out”. Our son knew after 6 weeks that he hated the social environment and student attitudes. He filled out transfer applications and submitted them by Nov. of his freshman year. He was accepted to all of his transfer schools within a month of applying. Knowing that he had clear options to change his situation helped him get through the year. </p>

<p>He loves his transfer school. He’ll be graduating from there in the Spring. His only regret was that he stayed at the first school for the entire academic year rather than transfer after the first semester.</p>

<p>I suggest that you plant the idea that she submit a couple of transfer applications. This way, if she still doesn’t feel that her current college is a good fit by the Spring, she’ll have options for next year. Many people on CC recommend sticking it out and trying harder to fit in. Sometimes, a kid just knows when an environment isn’t good for them. Why stick it out when there are so many other colleges out there?</p>

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<p>Thanks oldfort, for the reality check. I just got one of those phone calls too: her school is boring, she’s disappointed, etc. Hard to hear sometimes, especially when I think of all it took to get her there.</p>

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<p>My D had exactly the same reaction as yours, except it was an alcohol scene rather than pot smoking. She was pretty unhappy the entire first semester. She was making new friends but they all got drunk on the weekends and had those hookups, neither of which she’s particularly interested in, so she spent many weekends alone. I kept saying that there must be others like her who weren’t interested in obliterating their weekends, but apparently those few were pretty militant about no substance abuse. She isn’t a hardliner, just isn’t into building her social life around drinking. She’s still there, now as a sophomore, and has found a good group of friends and is making the best of it, but it’s still not ideal. I used to think she was exaggerating because it sounded so all-or-nothing, but now I think that her college really does have an alcohol problem. It’s just too permissive (open drinking on campus in front of security all the time). And there are too many alcohol related incidents, especially aggressive behavior.</p>

<p>She is considering transferring this year. I would say have your D stay there this year. Things tend to get better during the second semester. She will find people like her. It’s just hard when you’re not into the party scene because that seems to be the main social bonding ritual, especially at first. But she will meet people through her classes and any interests she has. Encourage her to look into EC’s that might interest her. My D is going to a meditation group which she really enjoys. She also goes to the gym a lot to work out, swim, etc with friends. </p>

<p>Also, things tend to cool down after freshman year after they get all their jollies out.</p>

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<p>I am having similar troubles with the community I am in at my school, it just takes time to branch out more and meet more people like me or like her. We don’t have freshman dorms really but most of my floor just so happens to be freshman girls (I am a junior transfer from community college), and I definitely agree that a lot of freshmen overreact to no parents being around-- it’s already starting to quiet down a bit here now that the novelty has worn off. If I judged the whole school by the things I’ve seen thus far I would not be happy here either, but I KNOW there is more out there. It just takes a little time to get established. It sort of feels like your social roots are automatically set in the dorms when you first move in because so many of your neighbors are all pairing off and becoming best buds so it just seems like it’s what you’re supposed to do and it’s disheartening when you can’t find much in common with those people (almost my entire floor are pledging sororities), but in time it becomes more and more obvious that you are not in any way limited to rooting yourself there and you can find many other communities on campus to settle into instead. I just live here now, my friends are all elsewhere spread across campus and maybe next year we’ll try to live by each other. At first it seemed earth shattering that all my floormates seemed to be making friends and clicking and I wasn’t. Then I realized that just because I don’t click with the group in this residence hall this year, I still click with the school as a whole. It’s easy to over exaggerate the importance of things when you’re stressed about it.</p>

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<p>I just want to make the distinction between being unhappy and being depressed. One of our kids goes to a very demanding school, where kids do not have their hands held much. In her freshman dorm group, I think that 4 out of 15 left before the end of the first semester, for mental health reasons, including depression. Of the other 11, I can think of 3 who were talking about going home, during the first semester, and who were very unhappy for months. However, toward the middle of the second semester they started to blossom and were very happy coming back this fall as sophomores.</p>

<p>Unhappiness is unpleasant, but depression can be dangerous and needs to be addressed.</p>

<p>Even for garden-variety unhappiness or homesickness, most colleges have a counseling service (with walk-ins or prearranged appointments), and often a counselor who is on campus knows the school very well and can help point the student toward solutions that are specific to that environment.</p>

<p>Joining activities seems to be one of the main ways students meet others with whom they “fit.” </p>

<p>It is true also that the dorm constitutes the main social group for Freshman, and often, for the whole 4 years. If things are really uncomfortable socially, it is always possible to request a change of room, or floor, or whatever. And a counselor could help advocate and negotiate that for her.</p>

<p>It is good not to withdraw into one’s room: that makes the social unhappiness sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy, and sets up a cycle that can be harder to break.</p>

<p>It sounds like normal stuff (that none of us parents like to hear) and it will probably get better, but having awareness of other options, like transfer, does help some kids, as long as it does not interfere with efforts to make the current environment worik.</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

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<p>I’ve heard this problem before when kids are put in “all-freshmen” dorms. Some kids, away from home for the first time, just go crazy with drinking, drugs, hookups, etc (which is why some end up dropping out). </p>

<p>Can your DD transfer to a dorm with some upper classmen? Or, does her campus have a dorm that has “quiet hours” (those dorms are usually inhabited by the more serious students).</p>

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<p>Back in the dark ages, I transfered after my freshman year. I knew it wasn’t right about two months into the year, but I did make friends, got involved in some clubs (even was a founding member of one), and did some drama and music performing. Still…it just wasn’t “my kind of place” and it really came home after the greek rush period. My transfer application was accepted by March 1. It made me happy to know I wasn’t staying at school number 1.</p>

<p>You know…sometimes things just don’t work out.</p>

<p>I would say…give it a fair chance. The good thing is that transfer applications usually have later deadlines than freshmen ones.</p>

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<p>The problem is that some schools require that transfer apps be in fairly early second semester. AND-they aren’t all that easy to do. You need to accumulate all the stuff you did to apply in the first place, plus certificates of good standing and recs from profs that probably don’t know you exist. If transferring is a possibility, get working on it now just in case.<br>
My son hated his school by the end of 1st semester and especially by March 2nd semester. He was already too late for some transfer apps. He did transfer apps to a few schools, got into a couple, and decided to stay put and change things for himself. Unlike some of the posters above, he didn’t have a problem with the partying and hook-ups. :slight_smile: He felt that his school wasn’t intellectual and was way more frat-oriented than he expected. He got into some better classes as a soph, adjusted and is now a senior and glad he stayed.</p>

<p>MTA after Thumper- The transfer app deadlines really vary. Some are really early and some are late. Some notify you pretty quickly, some do not. There can be some surprises, too. A state school rejected our son as a transfer even though he was (over) qualified and had gotten in the first time. UChicago took him again after he turned them down the first time.</p>

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<p>Great advice here, but I think I would also encourage her to see if another school she was accepted to has a place for her for the Spring semester. She doesn’t have to go, but that might be a nice thing to know.</p>

<p>I don’t know if this is financially feasible since FA would probably not be forthcoming. However, it might be.</p>

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<p>Are there any substance free or Honors Dorms? They can attract a different type of college student - those who still socialize without the overindulgence and substance type parties. Also, signing up for a club sport, club or organization - one that is closest to an interest sports wise (ultimate frisbee?) or a club that has an interest (writing, theater, debate, ministry, volunteer group, etc…)…there are usually a myriad of opportunities on every campus. Sometimes the hardest part is taking the first step out of the dorm, and to stop perseverating on the perceived notion that “everybody” has found best friends…sometimes this perception is way off - encourage your child to get involved and test the waters of different part of college life. Friends may not be the people in your room or your dorm. Good luck - this is growing up!</p>

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<p>My girls both got letters from schools to which they were accepted but ended up not attending stating that their place as well as their Merit Aid would remain in place for 1 to 2 years should they change their minds. It was wonderful even though they both felt happy with their eventual choice. The fact that they had a plan B offered was a huge relief.</p>

<p>I really like the idea of giving her an out but insisting that she finish at least a semester if not a year. If I were in your place it is what I would urge my child to do.</p>

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<p>Oh CBParent, I feel your pain! My D also has made no friends, and has wanted out from Day One. She’s done all the things that everyone recommends, but so far has not connected with anyone and feels extremely rejected. </p>

<p>Advice, watch for, but do not comment on, the tiniest signs of improvement. For example, just this week our D is being less global about her misery. She’s moving from “I hate everything about this place” to “I like my classes, my job, the gym – it’s just the people I hate.” Sounds weird, but I think that’s progress of a sort; at first she was nothing but emotions, but now she’s using her brain just a bit to analyze and try to understand exactly where the problem is. I dare to hope that the next step will be trying to figure out how to address it. </p>

<p>Also, we’ve learned that she doesn’t want us to fix her, and we’ve stopped trying. Everything we suggest is batted away, and evokes an “Even you don’t understand!” What she wants from us is unconditional support, sympathy and love – and nothing else. Someone else will have to help her with strategies and solutions.</p>

<p>In your conversations, allow her to vent as much as she needs to, but then shift the focus to something --anything – that she likes there. For us it started very small. For a week, we talked a great deal about how much she likes the Quiet Floor of the library. Then it broadened to the large and humorous squirrel population on campus. Then we found out, bit by bit, that the food is good, that her Psych TA is really cute, that the fall colors on campus are gorgeous, that her fellow students had good comments about her Photography assignment. Let her express her misery, but don’t leave it there; draw her out about the tiniest thing that’s not miserable. This will give her a little relief if nothing else, and may help her to de-globalize.</p>

<p>Finally, someone made a brilliant observation which I’ll pass along to you. If, at some point, she begins to change her mind about the place, even a little, she will then have the problem of admitting that she was wrong, that all of her violent feelings and words were misplaced. If it happens, don’t make it harder for her to admit she was wrong. Don’t express the heartfelt relief you will undoubtedly feel; don’t make a gigantic deal of it; don’t point out that you told her all along that it would be OK. Instead, assume a pleased but matter-of-fact attitude, along the lines of “Of course you’re OK; we knew you’d figure this out.” In other words, let her save face.</p>

<p>In the meantime, I send you hugs. I know how worried and heartsick you are, and if it helps at all, you’re not alone.</p>

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<p>Also, try to remember that kids “Bring the Drama to Mama.” Remember how, when the kids were small they cried when we left them at school? Then, the teachers often said that they were perfectly fine for the rest of the day? It is possible that she is venting her mixed feelings on you, and that most of the time she is fine. It’s a very hard transition and it is likely that things will ease with time. Certainly it’s possible that it will stay bad. Follow the timing advice above, including beginning the transfer process, which will give her possibilities. But, speaking from experience, it’s never all bad. My D called in tears many times over the past couple of years, to the point where I thought a huge mistake had been made. But even she said that she loved everything most of the time, and because she couldn’t cry to her peeps at school, she let it out on me. Then she felt better. Hang in there; the transition is also very tough for us parents!</p>

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<p>OP-- I feel for both you and your daughter. You have come to the right place. I posted last year about the misery of my D and the response and helpfulness of CCers was overwhelming. Take the advice offered here because these people know what they are talking about!</p>

<p>Update: D returned for sophomore year and it’s a whole new ball game. Loves it there. Go figure.</p>