Bad solution to roommate sexile situation

Parents Forum
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<p>NSM, no they don’t think it was acceptable; but not so terrible that it would result in the suicide of an otherwise well adjusted person. They all gave examples of compromising photos or videos of themselves or friends that can be seen on the web if someone cared to search. They also believe it is less and less acceptable to continually sexile your roommate. Every student seems to have friends with off campus apts. One of the volunteers rents (a couple of six-packs and bring your own sheets) his apt to his amorous friends. </p>

<p>They also don’t believe the perpetrators did what they did because of homophobic. They just don’t believe anyone under age 25 or 30 could possibly care about sexual orientation.</p>

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<p>That’s a rather naive notion. While I would agree that younger people are probably more accepting of same sex relationships in general, there are still many young people who are not only uncomfortable with it, but actively persecute homosexuals.</p>

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<p>I’ve read some things people have said about this, and the idea that a well-adjusted person just wouldn’t commit suicide over this. It strikes me as blaming the victim. And I have to ask, what kind of well-adjusted person purposely videos their roommate without their knowledge, and broadcasts it for the world to see? There must be a medical name for it, though if I wait long enough, I’m sure their lawyers will provide that answer.</p>

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<p>Oh, that’s very interesting TutuTaxi, and to some extent mirrors what I’ve heard college senior S say about how his peers view gays. S says that peers don’t care what others’ sexual orientation is. </p>

<p>"They also believe it is less and less acceptable to continually sexile your roommate. "</p>

<p>This was true even back when I was in college and was considered a matter of courtesy. Fine to sexile one’s roommate sometimes, but not virtually all of the time. </p>

<p>“They all gave examples of compromising photos or videos of themselves or friends that can be seen on the web if someone cared to search.”</p>

<p>But are those pictures of them having sex? I’d be very surprised if that is the case.</p>

<p>For the record, however, my Harvard yearbook has pictures of what appear to be a naked couple having sex. Their faces are blacked out. I presume that the couple were on the yearbook staff and decided to put their pictures in the yearbook. I doubt that they were victims of a hidden camera.</p>

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<p>"And I have to ask, what kind of well-adjusted person purposely videos their roommate without their knowledge, and broadcasts it for the world to see? "</p>

<p>I wondered the same thing. I also wondered if the student who videotaped his roommate is a closet homosexual. I doubt that many straight men get their kicks watching men having sex with each other.</p>

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<p>^^^</p>

<p>Our students felt differently. They thought what those 2 students (the ones doing the taping) have no excuse. They said if your roommate wants to use the room (for sex or anything else) and you don’t want them to, you just don’t leave. According to the stories we’ve read, the “taper” roommate really wasn’t sexiled. According to him, the roommate asked to use the room for a few hours. Our students said that if the taper was upset or angered by that, he probably wouldn’t have said he was asked . . . he’d say something like “he forced me to leave” or “he insisted” or some other stronger language. Our students think the taper and his girlfriend were only too happy to let the roommate have the room so they could have their “fun”. </p>

<p>They also made the point that even if the taper was upset about having to leave the room (and this happens a lot) there’s no defense for taping what went on in the room after he left and absolutely no defense to broadcasting the tape. </p>

<p>Finally, and maybe because we’re at a Southern university, they understood why being outed, especially in such a public and humiliating way, could be so painful that the young man felt suicide was his only recourse.</p>

<p>Our students were stunned by this story. But it was a good opportunity to have an important conversation with them.</p>

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<p>^^ Northstarmom… I thought the same thing.</p>

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<p>^^^ I hope I didn’t give the impression that the students felt the perpetrators should be given a free pass. They just don’t think they should be treated as harshly as many/most of the adults felt they should.</p>

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<p>Agree with you blankmind. </p>

<p>Although young people are more accepting in general, there are many who are not. I know some in my extended family who are not accepting of what they consider to be an immoral choice in violation of “God’s law” - I’m talking teenagers here, not old folks with one foot in the grave. These kids go to a very large high school, heavily populated by religious conservatives who feel pretty much the same way. These cousins drive my kids crazy making disparaging remarks about the gay community in everyday conversation - it seems to me that they are blundering through life with their heads encased in an insular bubble and missing out on a lot of what the world actually is, as opposed to the limited vision that’s been distilled and marketed to them by their church, but they’re not my kids. They have to put up with the opposing view from my family and it’s very clear we all don’t see the world the same way - but much as I disagree with some of the things they’ve been raised to believe, I can’t imagine any of them harming someone.</p>

<p>I know intolerance is out there, and I suspect that Tyler encountered that as he became fully aware of what had happened, but I hope those who would act on those beliefs in such a harmful manner are few.</p>

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<p>This can happen to not just our gay children, but our straight ones, too. Imagine being far from home, surrounded by relative strangers and there is place you can be truly safe and private. Not even in your own bed. Not even if you have a mature conversation with your roommate about wanting the room for a couple of hours for some private time.</p>

<p>BChan, we have some of those cousins, too. My kids find it tough to talk to them about a lot of things because the cousins have such wildly different worldviews (to put it mildly).</p>

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<p>Its possible that was true for the second incident. </p>

<p>On the other hand, the posts from the other board, which appear to be those of the deceased, indicate that before the second incident, he knew that he might be under surveillance, (and apparently so did Rutgers, through the RA…) and that he took steps to make certain it didn’t happen by disabling the camera. In addition, his posts regarding the first incident indicate that he was confident that he was not observed other than “making out”.</p>

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<p>dadx - I wondered if Tyler only referenced “making out” because he was looking for support from others on that board but didn’t want to face up to a more embarassing possibility.</p>

<p>CountingDown - I’m sure the “kids table” at your Thanksgiving has the same awkward silence that ours does. My kids wonder how they can all be part of the same family and be so different…I told them diversity goes in all directions, you don’t have to agree with people, but you do have to respect their rights.</p>

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<p>I have seen NO “evidence” that anyone saw Tyler Clementi do anything other than kiss another male. If you read the post from gawker, if it was posted by Tyler, he was pretty sure that’s the only thing that could have been seen. It’s the only thing the twitter allegedly by Ravi claims Ravi saw. The second time, the person posting says he saw the green light and pulled the plug. Even the charges say that Ravi attempted to send a signal the second time. So, if anyone has any legit news source for the fact that Ravi watched the two men have sex, please post it. Otherwise, lets assume that all that was seen was a kiss. That’s bad enough–I’m not defending it. I’m just saying that there is no “evidence” that anyone watched Tyler have sex. </p>

<p>I also have seen no “evidence” that Ravi either videotaped the encounter or that he “broadcast” it in the sense most of those 30 use that term. My understanding is that webcams send an image but they don’t tape it. If you happened to be watching Ravi’s ichat account when he showed it, you saw it. But I don’t think the “world” was doing that. Indeed, if there were a permanent image of that kiss out there in cyberspace I have enough “respect” for the media that I am sure some sleaze would have posted it by now. </p>

<p>Tyler wasn’t in a closet. His facebook page states his sexual id. He wasn’t “outed.” </p>

<p>I also see no “evidence” that Ravi was being constantly sexiled by Tyler. As far as we know, it happened twice, both at times before midnight for a couple of hours. Tyler asked. I don’t think that’s anything that remotely suggests that Ravi’s alleged actions were retaliation for sexile. </p>

<p>And, as far as I know, Molly Wei was not Ravi’s girlfriend. They were high school classmates. So, lets not extrapolate that they had a romantic/sexual relationship. </p>

<p>I think we should all refrain from assuming that Ravi’s alleged actions–which I am certainly not defending–were the CAUSE of Clementi’s suicide. Clementi himself did not say so in his good-bye message. </p>

<p>I suspect that something else was going on. There may have been other reasons Tyler committed suicide. There may have been intervening events–maybe someone else did something to him after learning from Ravi’s ichat and facebook that Tyler was gay. If there was a request to switch rooms, maybe one of those who responded was insenstive and told Tyler it was no big deal. Maybe the partner told him he didn’t want to continue the relationship. Maybe a lot of things.We don’t know. </p>

<p>That’s the point. IMO, there’s just too much speculation in this thread. Maybe I’m adding to it. Still, lets not make up “facts.”</p>

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<p>^ Hmm, yeah I was wondering why, if the victim knew this had already happened once before, he didn’t throw a blanket over the roommate’s laptop or something to protect his privacy. That part of the story wasn’t making sense to me.</p>

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<p>JHS, this boy did not “fake” his suicide.</p>

<p>[UPDATE:</a> Body in Hudson ID’d as missing Rutgers student | mycentraljersey.com | MyCentralJersey.com](<a href=“http://www.mycentraljersey.com/article/20100930/NEWS/100930045/Investigation-into-Rutgers-sex-tape-continues-no-ID-on-body-in-Hudson]UPDATE:”>http://www.mycentraljersey.com/article/20100930/NEWS/100930045/Investigation-into-Rutgers-sex-tape-continues-no-ID-on-body-in-Hudson)</p>

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<p>Excellent post jonri.</p>

<p>The message that is getting lost is that suicide is never the answer. Whatever is going wrong, just wait and it will blow over and things will get better. Someone who is young doesn’t necessarily have the life experience to realize that.</p>

<p>How much pain has been caused by Tyler’s decision? By all accounts he was a great kid with a lot to contribute. It’s just so sad.</p>

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<p>Sounds like he still had at least one foot in the closet.</p>

<p>"Authorities hoped that a watch found on his wrist would help identify him. Last night, NYPD detectives visited the teen’s parents, who were apparently unaware that their son was gay.</p>

<p>Robert Righthand, who had been friends with Clementi since grade school, said his pal had been holding that in."</p>

<p>Read more: [Rutgers</a> freshman Tyler Clementi jumps to death from George Washington Bridge after roommate broadcasts him having sex on the Internet - NYPOST.com](<a href=“http://www.nypost.com/p/news/local/cruelcam_costs_kid_life_gKIl4DmNjUdOJ4ZMdNy12N#ixzz112vmLeFD]Rutgers”>http://www.nypost.com/p/news/local/cruelcam_costs_kid_life_gKIl4DmNjUdOJ4ZMdNy12N#ixzz112vmLeFD)</p>

<p>Perhaps he wasn’t ready to come out to his parents. Who knows what the home situation was like for him. You are right that we don’t have all the details…</p>

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<p>possible. Also possible that Ravi was more clever than Tyler and did manage to capture whatever happened in the second incident, despite Tylers attempt to disable all devices. Can’t know without better information, which is really not our business. Its up to the DA to decide what more needs to be known. He’s already made the invasion of privacy charges, and I would doubt there will be much more than that. </p>

<p>I agree with Jonri’s points above.</p>

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<p>Pea - so very true. No matter what happened here, or didn’t happen, there was nothing that couldn’t have been overcome.</p>

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<p>Tutu Taxi stated:

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<p>At least some fellow students at Rutgers apparently believe that anti homosexual bias did come into play:</p>

<p>From an Associated Press article:</p>

<p>"News of Clementi’s death spurred outrage on the Rutger’s campus.</p>

<p>“The notion that video of Tyler doing what he was doing can be considered a spectacle is just heinous,” said Jordan Gochman, 19, of Jackson, who didn’t know Clementi. "It’s intolerant, it’s upsetting, it makes it seem that being gay is something that is wrong and can be considered laughable.</p>

<p>Another student said Clementi fell victim to a double-standard.</p>

<p>“Had he been in bed with a woman, this would not have happened,” said Rutgers student Lauren Felton, 21, of Warren. “He wouldn’t have been outed via an online broadcast, and his privacy would have been respected and he might still have his life.”</p>