Re your daughter’s break-up, has she considered whether she could have infertility issues? Would she be willing to adopt to have kids if she does have fertility problems? Or be a single mom? She’s definitely wise to take this into consideration if it’s her highest priority.
For me my marriage comes first. I would have been happy with my husband no matter whether or not we could have kids.
But I have seen many marriages break up or come close to breaking up over having kids/not having kids/infertility.
D2 (28 years old) has not been influenced by social media not to have children. She honestly doesn’t really like children which is perfectly fine. Everyone doesn’t have to like kids or animals. If she met a man that she saw herself spending her life with and he really wanted a child then she might reconsider. For now D2 has no plans to have or adopt a child.
I wasn’t sure I wanted to have kids when I first got married. I had a great ob-gyn who said to me not to rush and only to have kids when I was good and ready. My parents being Asian an all, never put any pressure on me to have kids. One day it just came to both my then husband and I that we wanted to have kids. We didn’t have D1 until I was almost 30 and D2 5 years later.
Truth be told, I didn’t think I would be so fulfilled to have children. I don’t want my daughters to have children because of me. I would like them to have children so they could have that very special experience and relationship.
Good questions. She decided to freeze some eggs while they were in the 6 month period – paid for by then BFs big tech company health insurance. I’m not sure what her thoughts are. Having moved back to our coast, she is just starting to date again. She is bright, pretty, doing well in her career, a sophisticated chef/entertainer, and creates excitement and exciting activities, and. She will definitely attract folks. Whether she finds someone who fits I guess is always a question.
I don’t know that she has imagined being a single mother.
I don’t know anyone who is married and doesn’t want children. I know people desperately wanting kids and willing to go through infertility treatments to fulfill their dream to have children.Many of my progressive friends with kids in their mid twenties do report their kids planning to stay childless at this point for overpopulation and other similar reasons
And I know a lot. My niece is 36, has been married for 8 years, and isn’t going to have children. They like their life of travel, pets, more travel, sports, camping. Her best friend has 2 little girls and my niece adores them, but then goes on her way. Her brother, my nephew is 38. He’s been in a relationship for 10+ years and they aren’t having children either. Their mother has been remarried for 20 years and has stepchildren who have provided grandchildren. Everyone is happy with the choices.
I don’t think I know of anyone childless by choice. Granted, I’ve been out of the workforce forever, and most of our friends and family members have children.
Well, do you all think that you actually KNOW this fact about people in your life? Family, friends, co-workers? Due to MANY factors, this would not be something a lot of people would put on the table one way or another with family, friends or co-workers. It is VERY personal information.
Edited to say, people may say they choose not to have children when in fact they actually can’t get pregnant. For a number of reasons. That that person/couple may not want to talk about or share. That may be very heart breaking. So socially it may be easier to say “we don’t want children”.
We don’t have to keep score. A tally of who or who doesn’t want children. People do and people don’t. End of story.
We have three very close friends from our college days that all didn’t have kids by choice. All three are happy and found partners who also didn’t want children. My H has a number of older family members who also never had children and were content spending time with nieces and nephews.
We are friends with a couple. The husband is in VC/PE and is an extreme sports enthusiast. Married a significantly younger woman a number of years ago. They are doing well financially and have at least two houses that I know of. Over time, she has gotten into marathoning, somewhat, and they work hard, travel the world, run races, visit friends, and are clear that they love their lives as is and are not interested in having kids.
My husband was in a close knit group of 6 friends; we and one other couple had kids. One couple, I believe tried the natural way without success, and accepted none were coming. Another couple decided no kids. But the last two never shared if they were never having any, never felt ready, or tried unsuccessfully. We never felt inclined to ask.
There are all kinds of reasons why someone chooses to be childless, and of course sometimes it’s not a choice. And what one says they’re sure of in their 20s may change later.
Furthermore, there are no guarantees that the joyful aspects about having children will come to pass. All kinds of things can turn out far more difficult, disappointing, tragic than planned. Sometimes I think that those who give too much thought to what can go awry may be more hesitant. But IMO part of being ready to have children is accepting the possible consequences. You can’t just take the kid back to the store if you decide it’s not a good fit!
I too know many people, childless for a variety of reasons. Off the top of my head:
• a woman who loves and always wanted children but never found a partner. Perhaps some regret that things didn’t turn out differently but very happy and fulfilled (not lonely!) and is a loving and involved aunt/great aunt.
• A woman who never particularly liked or wanted kids. No regrets. Also not lonely. Not everyone is good parent material.
• More than one person who had an unhappy and dysfunctional childhood, and were unsure they would be able to parent differently. Having no role models for a successful family, they feared they’d unconsciously repeat the same mistakes, or that it would take so much energy and constant awareness to avoid them that parenthood felt overwhelming.
• A couple who married in their late 30s and by the time they were settled enough to be ready for kids were in their early forties and decided it was too late. No regrets that I know of. Also very involved with extended family.
• A couple who decided against kids because the wife felt certain health issues would negatively impact her ability to care for children. No regrets.
• An older lesbian couple who would have loved to have kids, but it was far less common then. They worried about the stigma a child might face. As one said to me at the time “it’s hard enough being a kid.” Now enjoying a very comfortable retirement, they’ve had a wonderful life, and dote on all the children in their large extended families.
All that said, I do believe the majority of people do want to have a life partner and children. There’s no indication that the human race is going out of style due to lack of interest. And for every anecdote about a childless by choice person, there’s another about the extraordinary lengths someone will go to, even at the risk of their own health, to have a child. The biological imperative is real, if not strong in every individual.
A co worker of mine is very conservative and she doesn’t have children and doesn’t plan too. According to her, her nephews have no plans to have kids and they’re conservative too, so I don’t think it’s a “progressive” thing. But who knows? It’s just one example.
If people are sad that they won’t have grandchildren, there are plenty of ways to make a difference in a child’s life. My niece has “grandparents” who are just very close family friends, their only son had passed away and both sets of my niece’s grandparents have passed, so they kind of became her honorary grandparents. They’re very nice people and they come to all the big milestones. They even helped pay for her master’s degree. There is also Big Brothers Big Sisters and other mentorship programs…
I almost said something like this, but my previous post was getting too long. I listed people I know who are childless by choice, but I also know those who were unable to have children. Some adopted, others didn’t. One couple sadly accepted they wouldn’t be parents, but both have careers that revolve around children and they treasure those experiences. So many ways to have children in your life if one wants.
For me, this rings true though unfortunately, I don’t think that I really understood it when I decided to have children. It took me a while.
I find it so interesting how many parents believe that they can control their children’s health, happiness, personality, behavior, success and general outcomes if they just make the right choices. Sure we might be able influence some of those things somewhat but certainly not fully. Furthermore so many people seem to believe that when children struggle or things don’t work out as planned it is because the parents of those children made the wrong choice.
I do think that I went into parenting (and pregnancy) the first time with the mistaken impression that I could make all the “right” choices and I’d end up with a healthy pregnancy, healthy baby, and easy child. And actually, I would say that my expectations for my first child did seem to follow what I had imagined really well for a long time. But my second child was so very different (and initially more difficult) and it was a shocker.
This wild ride of parenting has been really joyful for me, but a huge part of that has turned out to be learning to be OK with letting go of control. And also, as you suggested above, learning to be OK with risk. So many things can be difficult and even tragic with parenting. Even if you haven’t thought deeply about it, choosing to have children absolutely means accepting the possible consequences including grief and getting your heart broken.
I’ve had that conversation with some of them. They said they didn’t want kids. These are people in the 50s and 60s now — my contemporaries and friends. They had many chances to change their minds. Most were married when they made the decision. Some had medical procedures to prevent pregnancy.
I do know folks who had fertility issues too. Sometimes one partner wanted kids more than the other. Not including them in this top of my head count.
I do have a good friend who admits she so met she regrets having her kids. She married mid 30’s to someone she shouldn’t have, due to wanting kids. She has Irish twins, 17 and 18, the younger one autistic, non-verbal, her ex wants nothing to do with him. Her 18 year old had a tough time with her family life and is pretty bitter. My friend works full time and takes her son DoorDashing to make ends meet (when he’s not in school he’s with her).
My mom found a new life as a grandmother. She and my father were in a horrible relationship for way too long. She had 4 grandchildren: birth years of 1989, 1991, 1992 and 1993. My parents divorced when the youngest grands were about 2. She poured herself into those kids and split time between my home and my sister’s home and of course the best was when we all met at her place (or Disney)! It was great for my kids and niece and nephew for sure. I am so happy she had that happiness in her life after years of misery.
Looks like none of her 4 grandchildren will have kids. I know things can change but I don’t expect them to. The cousins have great memories of Mimi. My sister and I have great memories of watching her as a grandmother. But I don’t need to be one. I find great happiness in my relationship with my adult children as it is.
I had 2 kids. I recall briefly asking myself if I was doing them a disservice by not having more because I am so close to my 4 siblings. But I realized just because I was close to my siblings, didn’t mean my kids would be close to each other.
I have friends (now in their 50s and 60s) who chose not to have kids. One was the oldest of 10 kids - she said she had already raised her kids! She is an awesome aunt to her nieces and nephews.