Your stories of regret and eventual triumph (or, how to deal)

Parents Forum
1

<p>So, I made some really stupid decisions over the past month, giving up a fellowship that I really wanted in order to get a particular internship, which I am really unhappy with. A lot of people advised me against it, but they also said that "all of my options were good" and I "couldn't go wrong". Well, somehow I did. I'm still in a state of shock that the fellowship is gone. I feel really guilty and ashamed, because now the right choice seems so obvious to </p>

<p>It's not the end of the world, of course, but I just keep kicking myself. How could I betray myself like that? Why do I make such dumb decisions in the heat of the moment? How can I become a better decision-maker in the future?</p>

<p>Anyway, I'd really appreciate your stories of great screw-ups redeemed, or advice for how you deal with your own pain of regret.</p>

2

<p>Some of these are so painful that people are passing over the thread, not wanting to stir up the memories of bad feelings. Those would be things that set one back emotionally or financially for years, or forever, for example, choosing the wrong partner, having kids, then having to divorce and continue to raise the kids at arms' length.</p>

<p>Others set one back a half-year or so, but do no longterm harm, really. You just make your best decision based on the limited info you have in front of you, and if you called it wrong, just have to live out the other unappealing choice, ride it out til its term is done. Your situation seems to me more like the second model than the first. </p>

<p>Don't beat yourself up; it sounds like you had limited info about both. What you do know now is that you don't like the internship and you believe that you would have liked the fellowship, but even that is comparing what is now known with a still-unknown. </p>

<p>Sometimes, though, you feel pretty certain you screwed up an opportunity. I
once moved halfway across the country for a relationship without really understanding if there was any commitment on the other person's part. I gave up a job, location, drove for 3 days..and within weeks it was obvious I had called it absolutely wrong. I had to live out the next half-year (because I had secured a job contract there), then move back. I was embarassed and exhausted, but other than wounded pride, I hadn't done myself any longterm damage. But it did feel awful and cost me half a year of being in the completely WRONG place and having to carry it out to a reasonable conclusion (end of work contract). I lost credibility in the eyes of my parents, which really hurt my feelings. I did gain in clarity of perception for the rest of my life, however, regarding human communication on the subject of commitment.</p>

<p>If you learn something, then no time has been wasted. </p>

<p>You wonder appropriately what you can learn from this. Choose from these: do more research; trust your instincts more; identify and listen to the main message of others but put less weight on their PC pablum ("all your options are good"); but even then, OTHERS CAN BE WRONG. Sounds like you did research it, consulted others, and followed the instinct you had then...but you called it wrong, that's all. It happens. You can't know it all in advance, so forgive yourself. That's how the Bush administration defends Iraq: we went in based on the best info we had at the time about WMD's, but the info was flawed.
Same reason is why Hilary now says she's not apologizing for her early pro-war vote, which she now says was a wrong vote. No apologies, because after all, it was based on the best available info at the time. She disagrees with herself over how she chose to vote then, but isn't going to apologize over it now; similarly I say, don't beat yourself up if you chose wrong based on what you knew then.</p>

<p>As long as the internship is now just tiresome but not harming you in any way, figure it's a matter of time to just live it out. There's a good story in Genesis about Jacob who got tricked by his father-in-law. He promised if he could marry Rachel, he'd work for 7 years in return. But he was given the wrong sister (Leah) under a covered veil, instead of Rachel whom he loved. When he discovered his mistake the next morning (!), he STILL had to work for the next 7 years. He was very angry, but decided to "buy" the desired bride from his father-in-law, this time a different way. He confronted his father=in=law (who somewhat ridiculed him). He committed to working out the next 7 years as payback for Leah, but then demanded that he be given Rachel to marry after 7 (not l4) years and he'd subsequently work off the last 7 years with both brides at his side. He kept his word both times, but dealt smarter the second time, having taken a measure of this man, his father-in-law who had tricked him so wrongly. So Jacob got smarter and tougher the second round. He did have to live with an unloved bride for 7 years waiting for the right bride to add on to his tribe. Anyway, if you go today to a Jewish wedding , there's a pre-ceremony where they guy peeks under the woman's face veil to make sure he's got the right bride, and it comes from that story. I can't draw conclusions for you, but yours reminded me of that story.</p>

3

<p>Decided to go to the Naval Academy cuz my parents REAAAALLLLY wanted me too. About two months later decided that I REAAALLLY didn't wanna stay @ the academy so I dropped out. Then decided to go w/ my best friends to huge party college, partied like crazy, pulled a 2.8 gpa. Decided to "clean it up" and went to a community college, pulled a 4.0 over a summer and two semesters, gonna be goin to Berkeley next year :).</p>

4

<p>I turned down a role on Saturday Night Live in 1979 because my boyfriend at the time (who assured me we were heading for marriage and the good life) asked me to help him open a restaurant for a year (he is now a well known chef). </p>

<p>His restaurant and career went through the roof, my career (which I'd been working in for over 10 years at that point) fizzled.</p>

<p>I still regret that.</p>

<p>On the other hand I've had a bazillion(!) other things in my life that surely I wouldn't have, had I gone to NYC. And I eventually "retired" from "the" industry in 1988.</p>

5

<p>You sound so much like my sister, a rising junior and a 20 year old with many regrets. I told her it should be impossible to have that many regrets at her age. It's about how she sees the world. Other people trip over their mistakes like they're nothing. Some people sweat every little decision and don't have faith in their judgement.</p>

<p>Stop looking back and second guessing. There's always a new door. Not having faith in your own judgement will render you impotent as many philosophers have covered.</p>

6

<p>It's always easy to look at the path not taken and think that it was THE ONE. But, the truth is, every path has its bumps. You could have just as easily taken the fellowship and be mourning the loss of the "dream" internship path you're now on after finding out that the "Dream" fellowship wasn't all it was cracked up to be.</p>

<p>From the perspective of my 50+ years, I can look back on my life and see there were a lot of times I might have taken a different path, and perhaps those different paths might have led me to an entirely different place. But, I would have missed out on some wonderful experiences too, and, strangely, looking back, I am sometimes surprised at how choices that seemed "wrong" after I made them, actually led me towards unexpected success or great opportunities. So, honestly, I don't have many regrets about what others might consider "mistakes" in my past.</p>

<p>Hang in there. Try not to look backwards, but forwards. Life tends to take you where you need to go eventually.</p>

7

<p>This isn't really a story about decisions and regrets, but I thought I would share something that always helped me through those times when I felt that I really wasn't sure if I was making (or had made) the right choice.</p>

<p>These words come from a song entitled "Crossroads" by Don McClean (of American Pie fame) and while the sum total might not exactly fit, the last part always seemed to help me through those times.</p>

<p>"I've got nothing on my mind: nothing to remember,
Nothing to forget. and I've got nothing to regret,
But I'm all tied up on the inside,
No one knows quite what I've got;
And I know that on the outside
What I used to be, I'm not anymore.</p>

<p>You know I've heard about people like me,
But I never made the connection.
They walk one road to set them free
And find they've gone the wrong direction.</p>

<p>But there's no need for turning back
`cause all roads lead to where I stand.
And I believe I'll walk them all
No matter what I may have planned."</p>

<p>I guess my advice would be never look back to what could have been. In doing so, you miss out on what is and never really see what could be.</p>

8

<p>Thanks, everyone, for your stories and help. I really appreciate your taking the time to reply. </p>

<p>Paying3tuitions: Your advice was really helpful. This is definitely a case of the latter, something that will set me back a bit but not leave permanent damage. It helps to put it into that perspective and also to see that people can make mistakes like that and still turn out okay. You are also right that I need to avoid people's PC pablum; sometimes I have difficulty distinguishing between what is people just trying to be nice and what is their real opinion on the situation. In this decision, I think I'm like someone who did the homework, but didn't really get the concept. I researched my options, discussed the situation with people, etc., but didn't really understand the underlying message of what they were trying to tell me. So I guess I get a B- on this decision. :(</p>

<p>LaxAttack09: Congrats on your Berkeley admission. It sounds like a long, hard road, but now you're back on track. Yay! (And thanks for sharing your story.)</p>

<p>"just" a Mom: Ouch. SNL in 1979, huh? Well, at least you had that opportunity in front of you. :)</p>

<p>Suze: Well, yeah, I'm very concerned with learning from my mistakes and doing better the second time. I'm not one of those people who lives so lightly. I get where I'm going through working hard and doing as much as I can. I don't know if I'd get better results if I did less thinking about my decisions. If you embody this philosophy, can you tell me more about how you make important decisions in your life?</p>

<p>Carolyn: Thanks for the insight. I do think I made a mistake, but I also think that I can definitely make the most of the path that I'm on. Looking forward, I'm trying to do both: make better decisions and make the most of the ones I've got.</p>

<p>Lp75: This part really rings true for me:</p>

<p>"They walk one road to set them free
And find they've gone the wrong direction."</p>

<p>Ugh. I feel like that a lot. :(</p>

9

<p>I feel I must preface this by saying I'm 19. I've had a lot of opportunities and have lived at boarding school, abroad and on my own in general since I was 14. I'm on a gap year and worked on Wall Street for 9 months and in Asia for several. </p>

<p>I went to an uber competitive boarding school with endless opportunities. I've been choosing between amazing opportunities for years now. I've seen the opportunities overwhelm friends and family (my older sister). I believe you just keep takling your best guess about what you'll enjoy most and will best help you achieve overall goals. No one will get them all right. I also think learning what you don't want is equally important and some mess ups are necessary. I've certainly fine tuned my career goals through slaving away at things I never want to do again! 18 hrs/day!!</p>

<p>I looked back at your posts and it sounds like you're in a great place to have many more opportunities. That's so exciting! I wish I was almost finished with college because it was an exciting time to be out there working. After a gap year I'm feeling a little old for beer pong. Good luck!</p>

10

<p>Returningstudent, your post shows you've already gotten something valuable out of the less than perfect internship: our advice. LOL! I agree with Suze, reading over your posts, it sounds like you're in a great place for lots of success in the future. Hang in there, and keep looking forward.</p>

11

<p>Returning, what's it like to be an older student? Do you live on campus? Among all grades?</p>

12

<p>Suze,</p>

<p>Thanks for the context in your post. I'm glad that you've had so many opportunities at your age and grateful that I am now in a position to have similar opportunities open to me. I guess I'll get better at decision-making with lots of practice. I've studied abroad, but have not yet worked abroad, and look forward to the opportunity to do so. I definitely need some world-expanding experiences. :) </p>

<p>How do you decide what you're going to do next? What criteria do you use to choose among your fabulous options?</p>

<p>I agree that your background makes you more more mature than the average student, although, depending on which school you attend, you will likely find people with experiences similar to yours. </p>

<p>As for me, I'm an older student, but I live on campus and enjoy making friends of all ages. I don't discriminate based on age, only based on interestingness. I don't think maturity is a linear process, but the result of the kinds of experiences you have been exposed to and what you have learned from them. You are probably more mature than me in a lot of ways! (Actually, some six year olds are more mature than me in some ways!) I'm not into beer pong, but that's just because I'm not much of a drinker and I'm a nerd who'd rather have a deep conversation about politics in Iran or Chinese poetry or the effect of legal structures on economic development than throw ping pong balls into cups. I think finding what interests you is much more important than what is expected for your age.</p>

13

<p>I'm going to Dartmouth. I love the school and especially the D plan which will let me get a lot of good work experience. However, it isn't the type of school to attract older students. Anyway, I have focus on what I want to do after college and it works!</p>

14

<p>There was a special on TV about successful people and how they arrived where they are. Virtually all of them made some bad choices and even failed. Many lost everyhting and had to start all over again. The difference between them and others is that they learned something from their bad decisions and their failures. You have learned how to go about it better next time, and perhaps, to trust your instincts more (I think that I saw that you were pulled toward the fellowship, yet went the other way). This, too, shall pass, and if you have learned something from it, you will make a better decision next time. I said better, not necessarily perfect. If you want perfection from life, you will always make poor decisions, because nothing is perfect. But if you realize that this may, in the long run, be better for you, if only for the life lesson it gave you, you will go far. Good luck.</p>

15

<p>Just curious, Suze: what are your plans after college? How do you like Dartmouth?</p>

<p>Okay, now back to the unhijacked thread about regrets and decisions (which I hope is relevant to those choosing a college as well).</p>

16

<p>EJR1 - Yeah, I made an impulsive decision under pressure and it was really not the right thing. Ugh. But I am definitely doing everything I can to squeeze the juice out of this poor decision in terms of learning as much as I can.</p>

17

<p>What's wrong with the internship? How long is your committment?</p>

18

<p>Well, it's getting better, actually. I think part of it was the shock of transition from school to work life. I have another couple of months to go.</p>

19

<p>Don't beat yourself up for making a decision that, in hindsight, looks like a mistake. I'm learning that there are NO mistakes! You made the best decision with the information you had and under the circumstances you knew at the time, that's all. Now you have more information to work with.</p>

<p>My "dumbest" decision? Letting my parents dictate my school, my major, and my career. Yes, I went to a small technical school with only six available majors to study engineering when I wanted to go to a large state university to study music (and probably double major with something more practical). My obedience cost me a lot of peace of mind, self-confidence, and happiness when I was younger. Despite this, I learned some valuable lessons:</p>

<p>(1) you don't have to love something to be good at it
(2) a high tolerance for discomfort can work wonders when it does come time to pursue your dreams because even enjoyable things have their rough patches
(3) hard work can overcome lack of aptitude or interest in a subject (yes, even engineering)
(4) money may not buy happiness, but it can make the path there much less stressful
(5) it's best not to look back once you've made a decision (or once you've had one made for you). You can't change the past, but you can always do something about the present to steer your future
(6) it's never, ever, ever too late to learn something new or rekindle an old interest</p>

<p>I'm studying music again now after a decade-long break and hope to pursue more formal training a few years from now. I feel like a teenager again, but one with my own money and no parents telling me what to do. Party time (just kidding!). Although I still don't like my job much, the pay is good. I view the money I make as a vital tool for my education. </p>

<p>Remember, there are NO mistakes! It's all data. Regrets are simply a waste of time (don't squander your time with regrets! Time is a non-renewable, limited resource!). Just assess where you are now, then move on from there. You can always turn any situation into something positive!</p>

<p>I don't know if this helps, but it felt good for me to type it out.</p>

20

<p>GrooveGirl,</p>

<p>I've been so busy with this internship that I haven't been back on the board to check my posts!</p>

<p>Those are very valuable lessons, and I really like what you said about time being a "non-renewable resource". Yeah, it's better to spend as little time as possible on regret, as much as possible on learning and growing (to the extent that those are not in conflict with each other!).</p>

<p>I hope your career in music goes smashingly and we all get to hear you play. :)</p>