Their “not being legally married” is a big factor, however I’m hearing more married couples are keeping some separate finances separate than say 30 yrs ago. (I have nothing to back up this claim so I could be way off base…just going from anecdotal accounts.)
Personally, I think this is being proactive.
I agree that marriage is a commitment both emotionally and financially. However I’m not sure I would characterize a young person’s caution regarding the expectations and roles within a marriage as irrational. When I was growing up, I only knew of a few divorces. By the time my kids were school age, divorce and the repercussions of it seemed much more commonplace.
My unmarried 28yo son just called, and I read this to him. He picked up on something I didn’t, that being that the man paid for the engagement and wedding rings. Why didn’t they split the cost of that as well? He thinks that they have been inconsistent in their financial egalitarianism and that that is part of the issue. We either split everything or we don’t. Regardless, he totally gets her position.
My daughters will not accept an engagement ring unless it is mutual, so your son has picked up a good point. They would actually prefer no proposal, just a conversation, and no engagement rings at all. Historically the engagement ring was a sign of ownership by the male, in effect.
Having kids is an even bigger commitment both emotionally and financially. Couples are more likely to split up if they are not married. If you are cautious about getting married because of the repercussions of possible divorce, then I’m not sure why having kids is even a consideration.
It doesn’t sound like emotionally they are ready to start a family if they will be constantly weighing who is supposed to do how much and who pays for what.
Child rearing can have so many unanticipated expenses—extracurricular stuff, medical expenses if the kid as medical issues and so much more.
Personally I wouldn’t want to be married to this guy—spiritually but not legally married makes no sense to me.
I guess the man expressed his feelings about commitment when he said he wanted to be able to walk away easily if something significant changes in the future. All I can say is, stick together long enough and I guarantee something will change, especially if you have children. That’s life!
Part of making a commitment and taking the long view is realizing that even the most equitable relationship is not 50-50 on everything, every day. The balance, whether financial, emotional, physical, or whatever, evolves and re-evolves as time goes by. It might be 70-30 for a few years, then later 30-70 for another period, and so on. A successful relationship has to recalibrate now and again, if everyone’s needs are to be met in the long term.
Honestly, I would have been just as shocked as this guy with such a proposal and contracts etc. Talk about taking all the joy and spontaneity out of life. This couple isn’t ready to have a child. You can’t script life.
“Beyond his apparent opposition to the institution of marriage, he gave another reason he doesn’t want to get married: “I also want it to be easy to walk away if anything significant changes in the future.” “
Uhmmm… buddy, that ship of an easy walk has sailed. If they are in a state that recognizes common law marriage - or even in the one that does not- they own a property together, he is in for a big, messy surprise.
Our script didn’t plan on me getting diagnosed with a chronic condition at 42 and our kids having chronic health conditions that caused countless days of missed schools and visits to tons of mds, including multiple trips out of state. I would have been devastated if H decided to leave when things got tough it tougher.
Glad they don’t have kids yet and hope they gave a better, more solid relationship if the decide to start a family.
I agree—very odd to have spiritual marriage with ceremony & honeymoon & rings but shy away from a legal one. If they are married under common law where they live, the only one to benefit from potential technicality would be the attorneys who can charge $$$ to argue when there’s a split.
I do not endorse having children if one is not willing to commit to work through the difficult times. Though there are probably many of us who know of someone who thought a child would save a marriage. Personally I know a couple who were in the process of purchasing a new home (expensive, fixer-upper project in a desirable neighborhood) less than a month before separating and eventually divorcing. I couldn’t help wondering what they were thinking?
I have friends who are not married, but have kids together and are in a committed relationship and have been for more than 30 years. They are fantastic people with a great loving relationship. Everyone should strive to have a relationship as good as theirs is.
But did they have an engagement, rings, wedding, and honeymoon to get “spiritually married”? Having a long term committed relationship with or without kids and not being married is fine. The idea of a spiritual marriage is the red flag part - who knows what that even means (I don’t).
My observations as of late have been that younger folks don’t necessarily have the same kind of mindset as my generation did re: the order in which things are done.
I have known young couples who have bought homes together before they were married.
Ds now has a friend he graduated from high school with nine years ago who is single and is expecting her first child in early September. The father of their baby proposed at the gender reveal. She and she alone owns the house the two of them live in.
I’m not saying whether these are or are not good ideas. I’m just saying that young people nowadays don’t feel the need to check boxes in any particular order. In my day, you married, bought a house, and then started a family.
They have rings for sure. I’m not sure about having a “spiritual” ceremony, but I imagine they did something private when they decided to commit to each other.
I may be the oddity on this thread. I have many under 30 extended family members who have gotten married in the last 7+ years, my 26 year old DD is getting married in September, she’s at the wedding of one her close friends this weekend, and 4 of her other close friends have gotten engaged in the past 3 or 4 months.
With the exception of one long standing friend who had her baby back in the 1990s, I don’t know anyone else who has gone “out of order” on the marriage, house, baby timeline. I also don’t have any family or close friends who are divorced.
That article was full of red flags and the biggest one IMHO was the lack of commitment and trust on the part of both parties. Marriage is hard work, it takes commitment, sacrifice, empathy, trust and kindness among other things. If people treat their relationship as transactional that’s what they’ll get: a business relationship not a marriage.
Exactly. I just like to observe and think about trends and their possible outcomes. Rather than judge the individuals in a particular story/article, I try to imagine why that person is doing “whatever” and “how/perhaps why” things have changed.
Also, I’ve been spending a lot of time with my elderly mom with dementia. It’s sometimes easier to converse about “how things have changed” versus my having to talk about my kids in a repetitive loop.
In the context of the article her request for money makes perfect sense. The entire idea of running marriage as business is not for everyone and is not something I would want for myself or my kids. Luckily, they want traditional marriages.