I’m a freshman in college, and one of my very close friends is obsessed with guys. Really, she’s obsessed with getting attention from guys. She doesn’t actually do anything with them–she’s never surpassed making out. She has only made out with three people in her life, was drunk for all of those encounters, and with two of them, the guys were complete strangers. All of these instances have been since arriving at college. However, she’s very prideful of her “experience” with guys (and partying) now. She seems to think every guy is interested in her, while simultaneously declaring most of them not attractive enough. I find this grating, as it’s really shallow, and her interactions with these guys are incredibly minimal–maybe, talking during class, or she danced /next to/ them (not WITH them) at a frat party.
I know that it’s probably the freedom/exhilaration of college and the vast number of guys around her now that is causing this, and it’s probably just something she needs to work through; however, she’s constantly talking about and judging guys (in very superficial ways), and it’s really bothering me and our mutual friends. How can we help her (and us)? I’d like to see her get to a place where she’s not focussed on getting attention from guys, but having meaningful relationships with people. Some of which may then progress into romantic relationships–one that is mutual and rewarding.
I don’t mean to put her down for the interactions she has had with guys–I think it’s important for her to experiment and have fun, and she shouldn’t be criticized for that. What upsets me is her attitude about it all. She’s been shallow, obsessive, and can’t even be open with us, her closest friends, about what she wants/is looking for.
How can I fix this/accelerate this process for her? Because I’m worried she’s going to take longer to get out of this phase than my patience can endure.
Honestly, I would just leave it alone. It sounds like she is being safe as you have mentioned she only makes out with people. If she decides to do more then she needs to be careful and make sure she is safe like using protection. If it really bothers you that much then maybe tell her these things. I mean she isn’t a mind reader. She is having fun in college and it is only freshman year! I think you are reading too much into the situation. Are you jealous of her and the attention she gets? Or are you generally concerned for her wellbeing? I think that you need to communicate with her your issues, but don’t be surprised if she doesn’t seem to care. Talk about and if it is really a problem then maybe cut ties with her, but realize that many people go crazy the first year in college. You aren’t at home, you have no rules really, you can recreate yourself. It can be a lot to handle and maybe she is exploring her options. Maybe planning a girls night would be beneficial for you and your friends to just have time to chat and hang out. But don’t gang up on her just let her share her side too.
I think a girls’ night out is a really good idea. You might want to set ground rules of ‘no talking about guys’. Talk about classes, talk about movies, talk about homesickness, try to avoid gossip, and just see what happens.
Thanks everyone for the help so far!! Here’s a little bit more information–I really like your suggestions, but there are some details about the situation that make me worry they won’t work.
A large part of the issue that it’s no longer the start of freshman year–we’re nearing the very end of it. We’ve all explored stuff and have enjoyed no parental oversight, but that’s not what drives us anymore. We’re adjusted to college life, a part of large organizations on campus, and very active in the community. We have girls nights out all the time, and those can be fine. But it doesn’t change the fact that when those end, it’s the same old stuff.
It’s difficult to talk to her about it because she’s very sensitive. It’s not a concern of her wellbeing (because she’s obviously safe) or jealousy (because the issue isn’t that she’s actually hanging out with guys, but that she wants to constantly, and won’t admit it). And I know it’s tempting to brush off her behavior “as long as she’s safe,” but I’d like to think our friendship extends beyond just making sure we’re all safe, but also happy. And I don’t think she’s happy.
I feel like the main problem is she won’t admit to us (and maybe herself) that she really wants a boyfriend. And the result is she’s just hoping a guy will approach her/is in the process of approaching her. But when we ask her if she wants a boyfriend/male attention, she says no. I’m worried that she’s starting to appear desperate, and I want to help her work through this but I’m not sure how. Leaving it alone is an option, but the behavior is annoying, and I think that friends should help each other realize what they want, and then achieve that. And right now she’s just static and confused.
Sometimes you have to let your friends make mistakes and learn from them themselves. It can be really hard to sit back and let your friend do things you’re pretty confident won’t lead to her happiness, but sometimes you have to. Interjecting might just make her bitter towards you. As long as her schoolwork isn’t affected and as long as she isn’t being truly harmed/unsafe, she might just need to let this run its course and learn from it in hindsight.
In the meantime, the girls’ night idea is good. You might also try just having a big heart-to-heart night, which is hard to force but when they do happen sometimes they can be really helpful in venting yourself, hearing how your friends are feeling about their lives, and at the very least just nodding along with them and showing your support, whether or not you truly support what she’s doing.
As long as you’re being safe/relatively smart, there’s no right or wrong way to handle relationships in college. Some people want long term relationships, some want a few casual ones, and some don’t want one at all. Some people want different things at different times throughout their college career. Your friend will figure out eventually what makes her happy, and what makes her happy today might not make her happy next semester. Just continue being a good friend to her and be there for her if/when she realizes she wants something different with her romantic life.
Remember…you can’t change her behavior but you CAN sent boundaries…
“I am not sure you realize this, but it seems all you do is talk about boys and judge boys. I would really like to spend our time together talking about something else.”
“If you are going to keep talking about boys I am going to call it a night.”