<p>I am really sorry for your family. We know two kids (one friend of my son’s from hs, another from his club soccer team), both around 20, who have been through rehab in the last six months. This is more common than you think. </p>
<p>I don’t know as much about kid #2, but after #1 finished rehab, his parents got him an apt, paid the first month’s rent, and told him he’d be on his own after that. He does not have a car and we have <em>some</em> public transportation where we live but it’s not great. Mostly he gets around by bike. (FWIW, his father is a child psychologist.)</p>
<p>As of now both kids seem to be doing well. I don’t know if any of this is helpful, but all good thoughts your way.</p>
<p>Blossom is exactly correct. I encourage you to do everything she says, especially regarding the grandparents. So what if they aren’t the tough love type–that’s because they don’t understand the situation yet, a third party could help. Pea is right, your son will have to hit his bottom, and with you and/or grandparents preventing that he will never get better. I wouldn’t even give him 60 days, I’d say 30. Also, check with your lawyer, but if your son doesn’t leave, find out if you can evict him, or have some other option–trespassing?. Also find out if you can contact the DMV or police to report that the car is not insured–perhaps it would be impounded?</p>
<p>I’m sorry you are going through this, you need support yourself. But remember that unless you get and stay really tough, you will not be helping your son. It has to be up to him to improve himself. Good luck to all of you.</p>
<p>I haven’t a clue what you should do with your son. I scanned the replies before mine and they seem to be giving you good, honest, long advice so perhaps you can get some guidance there. </p>
<p>I only posted to point out one thing. </p>
<p>I think some young people are so depressed about the job market, with or without a degree, that they aren’t taking school or anything else seriously. I am guessing the US military will have no trouble meeting its quotas for the next 20 years. The “new economy” is brutal especially for younger and older folks. </p>
<p>So, my advice is fix one problem at a time, if possible. Try to help him get a job. An honest job. Don’t pay for school until he contributes something towards the costs of living. If he refuses, handle it the best way you can. For me, I know what I would do but that might not work for you. </p>
<p>Things are tough out there now. I hate to say this but our country is so debt ridden and all the jobs seem to be serviced based … I don’t see the labor market getting better any time soon. Asia will control the next 100 years if we do not change the way we do lots of things including balancing the federal budget and finding a way to compete for manufacturing jobs. That is hard to do since we are a labor cost disadvantage and it is doubtful the US worker is more productive to overcome the edge the Asian worker have. </p>
<p>In other words, good luck and hang on to your hat! Now you know why so many people are investing in gold.</p>
<p>OP… regarding that bank account, from your comments I wonder if it is an UTMA or UGMA account. In that case, there are certain rules you are supposed to follow in how that money is spent (essentially directly for his benefit). Even if he doesn’t know about it, that does not give you the legal right to spend it as you please on other things. It may seem unfair since you started the account, but that is the law (I do think financial institutes do a TERRIBLE job of informing customers about these accounts when they open them, by the way). And once he reaches a certain age (varies by account, usually 18 or 21 depending on the type of account and what state you are in), that money is legally his if it has not been spent for his benefit before that time. Again… even if he “does not know about it”, it legally becomes his at that time (and if the bank is following the law, they should not allow you to withdraw the money after he reaches that age without his permission, I think).</p>
<p>If it is an UTMA or UGMA, I suggest you research the rules on those accounts and make sure you are following them and can clearly document that you are spending the money for his benefit. If nothing else, it is possible he could sue you later if you don’t…</p>
<p>Have you considered having him seen by a neurologist? One who specializes in ADD such as one of the Amen clinics? Or could he have had a brain injury as a child?
Sometimes young people simply do not present as anthing other than experimenting and if they are polite and well spoken it can be difficult for a therapist to get the bigger picture. I do hope you were at least at some of his sessions–and asked for your imput–if not then the therapist probably was not told everything.</p>
<p>OP, I feel for you and can’t imagine what you are going through. The tough love solution is correct, but I always wonder if I can do it. </p>
<p>How come whenever someone exhibits bad behavior do people feel that ADD is the culprit? ADD signs and symptoms are present before the age of 7. Even if ADD is a problem, it’s no excuse for bad behavior.</p>
<p>GTalum, I can speak a little bit about why people mention ADD so often when behavioral problems crop in older teens. Although those symptoms may crop up at an early age, the kid may be bright enough to compensate on his own until life and school become hard and complicated enough that they they can no longer keep up. That’s when things fall apart, and the experimental, risk taking, law breaking behaviors crop up. That’s when the disconnect between ability and performance can no longer be ignored or explained away. </p>
<p>I have a good friend who is living in the middle of this process right now. Though the behaviors are not as extreme as the OP child’s, her son is headed in the same direction at a breath taking speed, and nobody in his family is looking at the possibility of an underlying issue of ADHD or a learning disability. That possibility is glaringly obvious to an outsider, and the kid himself has researched ADD/ADHD in the past and told his mother he thought he had it, but nobody is listening to him, even now… And now, he has finished his freshman year at a good college with a 1.5 GPA, is on academic probation, and has either already lost or has one more semester before he’ll lose a large academic scholarship. Huge family arguments about what to do with the kid, but a simple evaluation (and they have the money to support a full evel.) for underlying mental health issues or learning disabilities or neurological issues is not yet on the table. It is very hard to watch from the outside, but inside the family it must be awful.</p>
<p>The original post does not present any information on drug use, so I am wondering if, perhaps, some of the professionals are correct in saying that the son is doing the kind of experimentation that many do at this age. He was caught in possession and had some disruptive court appearances (in our state, pot is decriminalized, so this kind of incident has few consequences). Is there evidence that he is using drugs every day? (Of course, I can state with certainty that there are kids thriving at Ivies who use drugs every day.)</p>
<p>I agree with all the posters who suggest further investigations into the root cause of what is going on. A full neuro-psychological evaluation (including, yes, ADHD, but other possible obstacles as well) would help. It takes some research to find a really good one for a situation like this. You cannot take what one psychologist says as gospel, especially since there is actually no reliable test for ADHD: interviews and questionnaires are more helpful. A full battery of tests would identify or eliminate other possibilities too.</p>
<p>Lots of things emerge at this age: could there be an undiagnosed mental health issue? Such as bipolar or depression? Has this been treated by counseling or meds?</p>
<p>It may be clear that I am not a fan of punitive measures, and believe that with support a spiraling kid can get back on course. It may be an entirely different course. Maybe college isn’t the best way to go. Something like a service organization, National Outdoor Leadership School, an apprenticeship…??? School will come easier with goals that are based on interest rather than what is “expected.”</p>
<p>Of course, we don’t know details, so I hope I am not missing something important. I know these parents are supporting the son, and suffering a lot, but I really believe that if the parents can find the right professional to help, identify the real cause/obstacles, and trust can be reestablished, that good things can happen.</p>
<p>Yes, ADHD can cause poor school performance such as with your friend’s son, but a poor excuse for the drug use and breaking the law. My S has ADHD and was tested in first grade. We never told him until he started struggling with 3 APs classes senior year and then discussed treatment and medications to help him handle his academic load. But, I would never allow him to use ADHD as an excuse for bad behavior. In fact, when considering medications for poorly behaved kids, you insist on a behavioral plan to treat the behavior problems. Medication are to help with academic and work performance. Yes, OP’s son may have ADHD, but it is not the reason for his behaviors.</p>
<p>“My S has ADHD and was tested in first grade. We never told him until he started struggling with 3 APs classes senior year and then discussed treatment and medications to help him handle his academic load”</p>
<p>Struggling with 3 AP senior classes isnot indicative of a need for medication to me. I know that I would flip out at my parents if they ever tried to “discuss treatment and medications to help me handle my academic load.” Especially if I’ve proven myself enough to actually be taking advanced classes. </p>
<p>“Medication are to help with academic and work performance.”</p>
<p>Whatdidyou - Of course I gave a cursory summary of the actual situation and certainly does not fully explain the complexities of the situation. Certainly my son made the decision about treatment after a thorough re-evaluation. The decision to be re-evaluated and treated was his alone. My point is, that ADHD diagnosis and treatment should be aimed at school and work disabilities, not behavior.</p>