I need some advice on what to do with my S.

Parent Cafe
1

<p>Hi everyone, I am new to CC. I've lurked here a couple of times when my S was doing his college search and haven't looked at this website in quite awhile. </p>

<p>I need some advice on what to do with my S. I'll first start off by providing some background information.</p>

<p>My S was a 4.0 student in high school, received great test scores (around a 2100 on the SAT. He received a 33 on the ACT first time without studying), and was very involved at his high school. He played a variety of sports (lacrosse, wrestling, rugby) all throughout his 4 years, volunteered at a retirement home, tutored middle school children, and helped out at the local soup kitchen. He was ranked in the top 5% of his class out of 600 something students.</p>

<p>He's a very good boy and my husband and I are very proud of him because of all of his accomplishments. He would always go out of his way to help others. Whenever he was around at home, he would always insist on doing the dishes, folding the laundry, or doing errands that I would do most of the time. My S is a big role model to my 12 year old D and she looks up to him. </p>

<p>As parents, we never set any rules for him. My H is a surgeon and he's very busy most of the time. I myself am a housewife. We never really were involved in our S's education besides the financial aspect. We gave him money whenever he needed it whether it was for clothes, gas, books, etc. You could say we spoiled him a little bit, but he would work every summer as a lifeguard so he would have his own supply of money.</p>

<p>Anyways, he went to college last year. He goes to a big state school that is an hour and a half away from home. My S is currently double majoring in Environmental Science and Applied Mathematics. He is currently on his second semester of sophomore year. </p>

<p>My husband and I never demand that he shows us his grades after every semester. He shows us most of the time and he's at a 4.0 three semesters into college. He's living in a fraternity house this year as opposed to the dormitories from last year. We were kind of against it, but how could we argue with him with the grades he's been getting?</p>

<p>My S came up the other weekend to visit (he usually comes up one weekend every month). Every time he comes up, my husband always asks me if he's been looking different than usual. He points out that he always has bags under his eyes and looks somewhat pale. </p>

<p>I told him that it's from all the studying he does. He's in college, of course he's going to have to sacrifice some sleep to get his work done. </p>

<p>I found one of his textbooks laying around while he was downstairs on the phone getting ready to leave. I found his backpack, opened it so I could put his textbook inside, and I was shocked to find a lot of things that I couldn't imagine my boy having possession of.</p>

<p>He had 3 boxes of condoms, a small bag of some sort of powder(my husband later concluded that it was cocaine), a small bag of marijuana, and a handle of hard liquor. I felt nauseous and instantly felt like fainting. I zipped up the bag and my son came upstairs to get his backpack.</p>

<p>He gave me a hug and left to drive back to college. I discussed with my husband as to what happened. My husband has a very strict personality, he can seem very uptight and emotionless to people who don't know him. He told me without making any considerations that we need to cut him off, stop paying for his school, and kick him out of the house.</p>

<p>My husband was furious and I was just heartbroken. I don't know what to do in this situation. If we cut him off from college, I'm not sure how he's going to be able to pay for it or be able to live alone by himself. He has the maximum automatic scholarship, but my husband and I pay about 12k each year due to my husband's salary. </p>

<p>We know for a fact that he's been using the money we give him before going back to school each semester for drugs and alcohol. We give him 1000 dollars in cash each semester for personal expenses such as notebooks, pencils, food, clothes etc.</p>

<p>How should we approach him? My husband is set on kicking him out as soon as he completes the semester and I don't think it's the right thing to do.</p>

<p>-Thanks in advance,
a concerned mother</p>

2

<p>I have not gone through what you currently are, so take my advice with that in mind. The first thing I would do is sit him down and talk to him. I know that you were shocked to find what you did in his backpack, and were takenback about what to do at that time. But now you need to confront him. </p>

<p>I would like to recommend that you go to his college with your husband, with the plan to meet him privately, and discuss what you found. Have a plan for his “recovery” in mind before you get there. Find out what on campus resources there are that he can tap into (NA, counseling, addiction centers, other resources). Lay out a plan for him that you expect him to follow, including regular drug screen by lab/addiction center, and drop in visit by you for room searches. Then give him the consequences of not following through with the plan. Those consequences may include “cutting him off”. </p>

<p>You husband’s approach is not completely wrong, as studies have shown that tough love is the only way to get through to many that have addiction problems. And it may come down to you having to do exactly what your husband has recommended. But as a parent, I would need to lay out a plan for recovery that my kid failed at first, then resort to tough love. </p>

<p>Be ready for excuses, lies, and heartbreak. It does often go hand in hand with drugs and alcohol. And remember that you are dealing with someone that is addicted. That part of the personality is very different then the child you know. And an addicted personality is usually very manipulative.</p>

<p>And I am so sorry that you are going through this.</p>

3

<p>I can’t imagine how you let him out of the door without telling him what you found. The condoms would not bother me at all and the pot would bother me some, but the cocaine would be a huge problem. It sounds like it is time to have some real conversations with your son regarding any possible drug dependancy he possibly might have. You should also be asking to see grades because if he does have a relatively new drug dependancy you will see it in his grades. He sounds like a great kid who might be experimenting but his risk taking in driving with narcotics in his car tells me there might be some serious issues that you need to address. You must be so sad and disappointed but if there is a problem consider how fortunate you are to have found out now where you could offer him the help and support he needs.</p>

4

<p>Hmmm, I haven’t gone through this either, so take the following for what it’s worth.</p>

<p>First, finding this stuff does not mean your son is an addict. Many kids experiment with drugs and alcohol in college. (I did, but I kept up my grades and I’ve gone on to lead a productive life.) Finding this stuff does not mean your child is doomed. I do find it odd that he had this stuff just sitting in his backpack at home. The fact that he is still getting a 4.0 makes me think that it hasn’t consumed his life as this typically does with someone who is in addict.</p>

<p>I would also suggest that your husband and you go up to school and talk to him about what you found. Find out as best you can what’s going on, and then go from there. If it was indeed cocaine, that would concern me more than the marijuana since cocaine is so addictive. Is your husband absolutely sure?</p>

<p>Without knowing more, I don’t think I’d cut off his tuition, but I’d definitely cut off all spending money. I might consider telling him that you may give him random drug testing and that if he fails, you may cut off tuition as well. And as an aside, I think him having condoms is a good thing.</p>

5

<p>Thanks for all the advice everyone, I really appreciate it. I wasn’t all that concerned about the condoms, but the fact that he doesn’t have a girlfriend and that they were included with drugs and alcohol led me to believe that he wasn’t being responsible. </p>

<p>And my husband’s almost positive that it’s cocaine. Everytime my S comes home, my husband’s always been suspicious of his behavior and he said that his behavior matched the effects of cocaine users.</p>

<p>I honestly don’t know why he’s doing this. We as parents gave him everything he ever needed. I’m surprised he has a 4.0 despite the fact that he looks somewhat sickly everytime we see him. Drugs and alcohol are completely the opposite of his personality and I have no idea as to why he would go that route. </p>

<p>It just sickens me to know that our daughter looks up to my S after I found all those items in his backpack.</p>

6

<p>I am sorry for you, your husband and your son. This will work out. The fact that you have had a great relationship to date is key. I definately would not kick him out of your home at this point. Having him around and having some influence is important. I would also definately go to school and have a conversation to say the least. From there, you and your husband need to establish a set of rules for monitoring his success/failure in this situation with a contract. ie: drug testing, alcohol. This will let him know what the consequences will be in writing. Definately move him out of the Frat house. Give him guidelines to abide by in order to move him away from the situation. Definately cut him off from the spending money and decided how and if you want to supply any money. Good luck and my heart goes out to you and your family</p>

7

<p>I agree with Suzy. For starters, the condoms are a GOOD thing. Alcohol and drug use (and college life in general) are frequently associated with sex, and you sure don’t want that sex to be unprotected. And yes, you need to talk to your son, as calmly and with as much love as you possibly can muster. Suzy is right that lots of kids experiment with drugs and alcohol in college. It can be a short-term, harmless fling or a long-term disaster.
If you know a professional counselor in your community who is experienced with adolescents/young adults, it might be helpful for you and your husband to visit with him/her and get some advice before you initiate that conversation with your son.</p>

8

<p>This must have been very tough to even write. I do feel for you. What would alarm me as a parent is not the condoms or the alcohol. You could let that go. But the coke. No way.</p>

<p>Both you and your husband’s reactions are very understandable. Heartbreak and anger- this is what most parents would feel in your situation. And probably a lot of confusion, guilt (why didn’t we see it coming? What did we do wrong?) and a mix of other feelings that it’s hard to even think straight. I think it’s important to separate your emotions from your plan of action, however, because this is about your son right now, not you. It’s not your fault that he got in over his head, but he’s going to need two level-headed, committed, supportive but determined parents to help him through this.</p>

<p>I agree with you that cutting him off, at least at this point, is not a great idea. Unfortunately, addiction isn’t something you can just will away, and if he is left to his own devices, he may not recover. If your husband can try to put his anger aside and think of your son as ill instead of disrespectful and disobedient, he might see that there are better alternatives.
If I were in your shoes, I would definitely confront him, and sooner rather than later. Waiting until the semester ends is not wise. Since you believe cocaine is involved, I would step in immediately. Not only is he putting himself in physical danger with this, but he could get into big legal trouble. </p>

<p>Honestly, rather than kicking him out, I would bring him home. I’d insist that he leave the fraternity, take a leave of absence, see a counselor for addiction, and live at home until he has the strength to return to college clean, without drugs. If he is at school, you won’t be able to monitor him, and this is what he needs. He will argue, lie, and fight to prevent being taken out of school, away from his friends and away from his drug, but this cannot be a choice- it has to be a decision made by you and your husband.
It’s true he’s legally an adult, but he is still dependent on you for support. You have every right to insist that he come home and get his life back. He needs to be away from the environment that drew him into this in the first place, and unfortunately, that’s his college. </p>

<p>I agree with tough love at this point- just not abandonment. Keep him close and love him a lot.</p>

9

<p>Seems like most people are giving you very similar advice here. The only thing I would caution you about is the addiction vs non-addiction behavior and discussion. Personally, I would think that a kid that is as you describe him would leave the “evidence” at school if this were only about experimenting and college life. The fact that it was brought into your home, where he would not want to be found out, says to me that there is a bigger problem. Or he is hoping to be found out, and looking for help to get out of this cycle. </p>

<p>That is my opinion, and I may be wrong on both counts. But I do know that addiction is a tough road to go down, and the sooner you can detour behavior, the more succesful you/he will be long term. Even someone experimenting with cocaine may find themselves addicted. I am not sure where you draw the experimenting/addiction line with cocaine. I am actually not sure there is a line after one use.</p>

10

<p>I agree with vines on this. It’s a misconception that addicts don’t get good grades or perform well on cocaine. This is entirely possible for a bright student to pull off.</p>

<p>The fact that he brought it home, and the fact that your husband already suspected that your son was not behaving in his normal way point to more than occasional use. I would expect addiction, and if after counseling and a semester at home he really doesn’t have a problem, well, thank god and lesson learned. </p>

<p>I have a friend who lost her son- athlete, honor roll, good looking and sweet kid- to this very drug. The parents had no idea, and they were good parents. Consider yourself lucky that you found this, and consider it a cry for help.</p>

11

<p>The condoms are none of your business. Period.</p>

<p>As for the drugs…that’s serious stuff.</p>

<p>As for the booze, I’m guessing that he’s still under 21. Did I miss a stated age?
If he’s over 21, there’s nothing you can do about that except for having the friendly “be careful with drinking, never drink and drive, we’ll pay for taxis when needed,” sort of talk.</p>

<p>If he’s under 21, then the convo can’t be too harsh or he’ll ignore you. He’s in a frat, what did you expect? You can just have a calm talk about frequency, amounts, etc…and the concerns about legal issues that can come up.</p>

<p>the part about never setting rules for a child was your first mistake. When kids don’t grow up with rules, they’re not really open to hearing about them or respecting them later.</p>

12

<p>Couple of thoughts:</p>

<p>You don’t know what the bag of white powder was.</p>

<p>Have you actually seen proof that he is maintaining a 4.0? (like a letter directly from the university to you congratulating your son for making the Dean’s List? Or access to his account?)</p>

<p>Those two variables have a large impact on how I personally would view the situation.</p>

<ol>
<li><p>A verified innocent bag of white powder (talc used to absorb sweat or to address chaffing lacrosse pads or chaffing under an athletic cup, for example) plus a verified GPA makes this incident more benign, and explains the haggard look of a kid playing and working too hard.Not saying a serious discussion doesn’t need to take place about the booze and pot, just that it isn’t as awful as it could be.</p></li>
<li><p>A verified bag of cocaine plus a verified plummeting or falling GPA is a whole different story, and puts his haggard appearance in a different light. </p></li>
</ol>

<p>You need more solid information before anybody makes any really drastic moves about pulling him out of school or cutting off funding.</p>

13

<p>We have dealt with the same issues so I can tell you how frustrating it is. Even trying to get our son help ended up being SO frustrating. First an addiction specialist told him (and then us) that “he doesn’t have a problem”. This was despite the fact that this former gifted student was now flunking classes and quitting jobs because he had parties to go to and couldn’t find someone to switch shifts him.</p>

<p>Another time we had him see a highly regarded psychiatrist who was an adolescent specialist that has written books on addiction. He too told us that our son was a great kid and didn’t have a problem. </p>

<p>They could not have been more wrong. He is actually in court today on a drug charge (and again Thursday) and only by an incredibly lucky coincidence managed to avoid a 1-10 year jail term (the worst that can happen this week is basically forfeiting a huge pile of cash he had on him, and getting a simple possession charge that will carry probation).</p>

<p>We have tried the tough love method, and tried the easy love method. I’m not sure any of it has worked. He came to us a few months ago and begged us to take him back. He said that he realized that smoking pot every day was making him lazy and that he was sick of his college friends thinking he was worthless. Combined with our incentives on school I think it has slowly been sinking in and making a difference.</p>

<p>I would tend to agree with your husband about kicking him out. I would also highly recommend making him have some skin in the game. Insist on seeing his grades. We are making our son pay for college and then reimbursing him for any Cs or above. Since our son is at CC he can swing the tuition, but for your son it might be more difficult. I would still suggest you make him borrow the maximum he can (and maybe offer to give it back to him if he does well). You should probably also make him earn his own spending money and stop giving him the 1000 bucks like you do. </p>

<p>Having said that though, I must add that one of our worries was that doing that would force him to take the easy way out and deal drugs or something to get money, and it appears he did exactly that but only managed by an incredible stroke of luck to avoid getting caught (well, he was caught and I think it scared him, and it certainly cost him a lot of money, but the stroke of luck allowed him to avoid big jail time and instead get a simple possession charge along with forfeiture of a large wad of cash).</p>

<p>I thought about PMing you with these details but decided that maybe our story could help someone else who might be reading and would otherwise miss my advice. If you now want to PM me then feel free to do that as well.</p>

14

<p>I wouldn’t say a word about the condoms. They’re something he SHOULD have in his backpack if he anticipates any possibility of sexual activity. Having condoms in there is no more alarming than having his cell phone recharger or a bottle of Advil, in my opinion.</p>

<p>The alcohol and the marijuana are upsetting, of course, but not uncommon things for college students to have. </p>

<p>But the cocaine – and the fact that he looks unwell – worry me. </p>

<p>Also, the fact that he traveled with drugs and alcohol in his possession sets off alarm bells in my head. Unless you or your husband picked him up at college (in which case it’s highly unlikely that his backpack would be searched even if the police stopped your car for a traffic violation), traveling with illegal drugs in your possession – or alcohol if you’re underage – is asking for trouble. </p>

<p>I think he has gotten in over his head and is looking for someone to help him find his way out of a developing problem. I like the idea of a leave of absence with substance abuse treatment during that time. That seems like a constructive way to deal with the situation.</p>

15

<p>I can’t imagine how stunned you must both feel. I understand your husband’s instincts to do something that shows your complete disapproval, but kicking him out of the house really won’t solve anything.</p>

<p>I’d make an appointment with counseling at his school, meet with him there (in a neutral place) and confront him. He will probably tell you this is not a problem, etc… and lie. Don’t make this about the grades. Even if he kept his 4.0, what kind of message does that send your daughter — unacceptable behavior is solely defined by how it interferes with academics? </p>

<p>I would make payment of the semester bills contingent on counseling, proof of change (in some way, “proof” is an elusive notion in this case) and continued weekly contact with you. Maybe even make him come home every weekend. He’ll hate that. It proves you are serious about keeping an eye on him while he’s on your dime. If he fails to reform/rehab, then I would in fact refuse to pay for school. If he can’t afford it, well, that’s what you learn about choices and consequences.</p>

<p>He is still the good boy you raised and love. He is still those things. He is still his sister’s hero. Resist the urge to let your shame and shock influence your love for him. He needs that love more than ever, and you are right to give it. But, you have to be firm, and as dispassionate as you can manage. In the end, you cannot affect his behavior – only he can do that.</p>

16

<p>I agree with everything that vlines has written. I am concerned about addiction as well.</p>

<p>Here’s my personal take on it:</p>

<p>Time for a loving but firm talk. I think you go to his school and get to a private place. Tell him what you found. Acknowledge his responsibility with the condoms. You might even say you understand the weed. Tell him you are very concerned about the cocaine. Since it sounds as if you have been seeing symptoms for awhile, you should tell him what you’ve observed, in as objective a way as possible. Be alert for signs that he is asking for help (and be prepared to send him to rehab if he does) but also be prepared for lies. </p>

<p>If he denies a problem, cut off the spending money and tell him that further use will mean that you won’t pay for school anymore until he goes through rehab. Tell him that if he really DOESN’T have a problem he won’t need to use anymore. Usage would mean that he definitely has a problem, and at that point his health will be more important than college and you love him too much to sit back while he hurts himself, that you realize he’s an adult and can’t control what he puts in his body, but you won’t contribute to it.</p>

<p>It is very difficult to get clean from a cocaine addiction without rehab. In lay terms, cocaine messes up the part of the brain that allows a person to feel good, so that it can become impossible to feel good without the cocaine. This is why intervention as soon as possible is so important.</p>

<p>I highly recommend Nar-anon, which is a free 12-step group for family members of drug users. It is related to Alanon. Meetings are everywhere and you will get a lot of support.</p>

<p>((hugs))</p>

17

<p>My parents never had to go through what you are going through, but that is because they were careful never to look through my stuff. When I was in college, I drank, heavily at times (which they knew, and it was legal then), and also used small quantities of marijuana (which I didn’t particularly like) and cocaine. I grew out of the illegal drugs by the time I graduated from college, and reduced my drinking a lot. So, essentially, did all but a handful of my friends. There were definitely a few who became alcoholics and/or drug addicts, and I don’t want to minimize the risks and the heartbreaks of that. Coming to understand those risks and heartbreaks was part of what made me change my behavior. But the vast majority of people with whom I drank, smoked, and snorted coke were successful throughout college and have been successful ever since, and have never had a substance addiction or required an intervention. </p>

<p>Like it or not, recreational substance abuse in college is not inconsistent with a successful, sober, happy life – and that’s what you want for your son, I hope. And at the same time, dramatic efforts to coerce and to enforce complete abstinence not only fail to ensure those long-term goals, they may be counterproductive in the short term. If things have been going well with your son, and it sounds like they have, radical change is much more likely to work less well – maybe a lot less well – than to improve things.</p>

<p>My recommendation would be this: Do as little as possible. Don’t go to his college to confront him. Don’t cut him off. Don’t make a recovery plan. Think hard about whether you want to talk to him about this at all right now. I am ambivalent about that – On the one hand, I like honesty, and it would be honest to tell him what you found and how worried you are about him, and to make him understand that he isn’t magically invisible to you. On the other hand, it doesn’t sound like you or your husband is emotionally ready to talk with him without yelling, accusations, and threats, and none of that is going to help anything. This can and should be something you laugh about with him ten or fifteen years from now, and maybe again as his own son is applying to college.</p>

<p>Of course, whatever else you do, you should be paying close attention to his behavior and functioning. He MAY have a problem, and it MAY be serious, or become serious in the near future. If that happens, you want to be ready, prepared, and calm and clear-headed. Doing nothing now does not mean that you keep doing nothing if you see clear signs of distress.</p>

<p>And regarding the condoms – there is nothing whatsoever to say, at least nothing negative. As long as he isn’t using them to smuggle drugs in his digestive tract, there is no use to which condoms are generally put that will make his situation worse, or more dangerous. The condoms are a good thing, a sign that whatever risks he’s taking are probably calculated and calibrated – what smart kids do when they’re doing dumb things.</p>

18

<p>^^^^
“We know for a fact that he’s been using the money we give him before going back to school each semester for drugs and alcohol.”</p>

<p>The above is why the spending money should be cut off. A parent can’t control a young adult, but IMO they should not support behaviors that undermine health.</p>

19

<p>Unlike JHS, I think that anyone who is using cocaine has a drug problem.</p>

<p>I would not say the same thing about people who are using marijuana and/or alcohol only. Certainly, some of them have a problem. But others do not.</p>

20

<p>“We know for a fact that he’s been using the money we give him before going back to school each semester for drugs and alcohol.”</p>

<p>I meant to ask about this earlier. OP, how do you know that if you’ve just discovered this stuff?</p>

<p>I agree with a lot of what JHS has to say. If it was me, I’d still talk to him about it, and try to get a feel for what’s going on and then proceed from there.</p>