Figure out what bottom line situation makes you feel okay. What I mean is, worst case scenario, your daughter feels burned out and doesn’t apply and works for a year, is that okay? Or community college is the only affordable option. There really are no disasters in life
If find that once I imagine worst case scenarios, and realize they are okay, I feel less stressed, but that’s me.
If she already has one school with adequate merit aid, it seems like you really can relax. Hs she warmed to the idea?
I told one of mine that he didn’t have to go to college at all. This was a huge stress reliever. He ended up at a great school with scholarships but he ended up doing most of the work for applications once he woke up and I learned to stay out of it.
2 kids and 2 different approaches. Applying for college is a very stressful thing for a 17/18 year old. We made an extensive excel spreadsheet which gave us something to do and be involved. It had like every deadline, instate VS out of state costs, scholarship links, room /board potential merit etc. She should not have to write a thank you letter for an acceptance… You should contact financial aid /scholarship department not her. She has too much going on now. Then report to her your findings. It would not of made sense for our kids to do that. We know our expected income. Plus for small LAC they will feel like your more serious if the parent calls getting information. Many small lac will give additional merit…so ask. Once one dried up we just asked if they could help with housing then… And they said yes!
For my son sending links to him for looking at deadlines, scholarships etc helped a lot. We did what someone else suggested and had like 38 colleges in every rank… We went through this with him and narrowed that down. He is a apply to top 10 guy… But I had him look at various colleges much lower for true safeties…
Both kids did their own applications but we just asked to review it before they pressed send. Yes… We found small mistakes at first and they appreciated it after the fact…
We were pretty upfront on finances with them. They have 529 plans but that was never intended to pay for everything. We are just starting to use it and they are in Junior and sophomore years. They also know what we have for retirement and it seems like a lot to them but they also know we are not touching it for college for them.
We also got the “you guys gotta back off since your making this all too stressful” talk from them. That’s more or less when we went into full research mode. They both appreciated the background information we helped them get… After the fact!
@Marcie123… I have to laugh… We did something similar mostly because as you stated they were both very busy and yes… We found it fun…
My daughter did a great job of applying early. My son drove us nuts… If the application was due like at 11 :59… He would push the button at like 11:15 or longer. I would be on him since… What if the internet went out??? What if our network went down???
Funny though… He used to be last minute for everything and procrastinate… He is a Sophomore in college now. Something happened since he is actually doing things much ahead of the deadlines now… The wonder of college… Ha…
@Knowsstuff my D who HATED the application process volunteered through her college to go to a local high school…and help seniors with their college applications!!!
Our school 's college counseling office recommended weekly meetings to check in and for kids to “assign” administrative tasks to parents - whether scheduling visits, filing fotms, or researching.
At some (important ) level, it’s great that your D is not so future focused. It gives her space to be present in her last year of high school.
I’m like you - I get immersed in tasks. It helped my relationship with DC to say aloud “This process feels really important, and a bit anxiety producing, for me. For my own sanity, being fixated on this is helpful. I definitely want to help in whatever way I can, but understand that part of what is making you crazy is more about me than you.” We found, through a weekly check-in, some peace from that understanding. Also know that this can be really stressful for kids so every time you bring it up, you are bringing them back to that stress.
I backed off. She got into the right college and is flourishing. Our relationship survived-- and improved… I get at the very least a “good night mom” text every night from her.
Good advice here. 2nd time around so much is different but the fundamental need for balance is there. Wishing all the best of luck and much patience to all of you!
It’s so easy to overwhelm kids by what seems like harmless “oh hey” college talk… meaning it seems like no big deal and takes up so little time but to them, it feels like they can never let their guard down.
Like others have said, the best thing I did was to assign a “college talk” day each week early on and the a couple a week as things were getting close. Brought my eldest’s anxiety WAY down. Did the same with my son even though he didn’t really get anxious over the process.
I am beginning to think that D19 brought up be burnt out was somewhat driven from being back in school and life is more busy. I will say bring up the subject often was probably not the best tactic. I have backed off and we are doing much better. She has been happy to update me on what is going on with her bringing up the subject.
@Knowsstuff I understand that she doesn’t have to write a thank you letter for an acceptance, but in my opinion anything you can do in this process that can make you stand out(in a good way) is beneficial. I am going to save my call to financial aid until much later in the process. I will be happy to pit two or three schools against each other. And before anyone says it, I know there are some schools that won’t budge on the offer. I think I know who will or will know before I call.
D19 did get one app out and another(non common app) completed except for the optional essay, which she will do soon. Including the one I just mentioned she has 9 apps done. Many were simple and did not require additional essays for merit. She will probably do 6 or 7 more. They will be tougher to complete because I think all require additional essays for merit or acceptance in general. We are heading out Friday for visit to BU and Brown.
We were lucky in that D’s HS had a dedicated college counselor that helped everyone in the class (small HS) stay on track with applications & deadlines.
However, due to financial restraints, I was heavily involved in D’s long list of schools (done at the end of junior year), then together, we came up with the short list in September.
She added some schools to the short list (which I did not veto) – but I warned her I suspected the schools she desperately wanted would not be affordable.
I insisted she apply to some schools that were going to give her full tuition or full tuition plus – and although she completed the applications, she was vocal about not wanting to attend any of them. She had a hard time accepting our budget, and was not realistic about what we could afford. I felt I had to force her to apply to more affordable safeties on her list – ASU, U of AZ, U Alabama
In the end, she was “forced” to accept a full ride at U of Kentucky. If she really, really, really hated UK, we would have made U Alabama work (full tuition and the next best financial package).
D19 had a friend who got into Princeton, Purdue, GA Tech and plenty others. That family had a decision of paying $70Kish for Princeton a year or $13K for Purdue. She went Purdue. The mom said it is crazy to go into debt for undergrad. That was their opinion.
There are plenty of people here at CC who would advise running the NPC ahead of time, and only allow applications to go in to schools the parents are willing to pay for.
Or, at the very least, make expectations clear. If X scholarship comes through, you are going there.
@gpo613 we pitted a few schools against each other for my daughter with a great response and offers. These were small LACs… When they were done with merit we questioned about if they can give money towards housing… And they did!
@Midwest67 D19 knows that for many places she will need to get merit aid or she won’t be going there. We are still early enough that almost place is possible. Merit decisions will play huge role for us.
@Knowsstuff Thanks for the info. I have talked to some other people and have been told that you can pit certain schools against each other. I know mainly those are small LACs and definitely not the selective schools. It quite possible D19 sends out 15-17 apps.
YEARS ago, my sister who went to MIT didn’t get that much financial aid. My dad, NYPD, sat down with them again. (no email back in those years). Long story short, she got more. Don’t ask. Don’t get. That age-old nugget.
@FunnyScreenName I agree with that line of thinking for sure. About 99% of the time the worst they can say is no to a request for more. This will be the second biggest purchase of my life behind my house. We are just trying to get the best overall deal. A school that fits the needs for my D. One that she likes well enough to be there for 4 years. Lastly one that the cost is workable and won’t get her into debt that she won’t be able to get out of in a reason amount of time.
@gpo613… Be careful sending out that many applications. We made this mistake… Twice (2 kids). It can make the final decision much harder. Plus depending on the school… That’s a lot of essays. Some schools can have multiple essays also. That’s a lot to ask of any kid. In the end it didn’t make any difference on where either kid ended up. After the fact we saw it as a waste of time and money. We were warned by a friend of ours that does college admissions for a living. Wish we listened to her.
OP- I can predict with a high degree of certainty that if you think your D is burnt out now- wait until she tries to tackle 15-17 applications. To do that many applications well requires super-human focus, energy and commitment. Why not help her trim the list to a manageable 8-9-- which is still going to be a big job- rather than boil the ocean with 15??? She will sound much more motivated and interested to the 8 colleges where she sends highly focused applications than she will to the huge list. Nothing says “don’t admit me” like a half-hearted essay on “Why College X”.
OP - That’s potentially a LOT of essays. Many schools will have supplemental essays and then there may be honors college or merit scholarships on top of that. My daughter applied to 8 schools and wrote 19 essays.
Out of the 8.75 completed apps so far only 2 or 3 required an extra essay. The ones coming up will require more work. That is 6 or 7. One may fall off the list this weekend. We are doing a couple of visits this weekend. I have a feeling she will get energized after the visit. She really has 4 more important apps to do. Ones that are high on the list and could match up well for cost. Two left are reach/crapshoot. And I doubt cost would work. But it would be nice to say you got in a certain place. She can procrastinate some, but when she works she works well. Most of the apps that didn’t require extra essays were ones done because she had a free code for the cost of the app. She applied just for the fun of it. I say that but she is doing an overnight visit to campus in Nov to a school she applied just for fun. They gave some good aid and have a chance for more.
We will for sure have a lot of choices, but that can fun to try to figure out what makes the most sense.
