Can someone critique myUC essay

<p>prompt 1
What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field — such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities — and what you have gained from your involvement.
Prompt 2
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?</p>

<pre><code>I've decided to major in psychology. Since I was a kid I always enjoyed helping others with whatever they needed help with from helping anyone do their homework to cleaning the streets of our neighborhood. My interests have always been having a career that allows me to help people accomplish their goals or to resolve a problem they might have. In high school I was doing well I wanted to be a teacher, a counselor, a social worker, or a psychiatrist. These careers would allow me to help people in different ways. However, in my junior year my parents divorced and after that everything went downhill. For the first time i saw my mother struggle for money, finding a job and living in a completely different environment from what we were used to; furthermore, my grades dropped and I ended dropping out of high school. Also, my only brother to which I am really close to was sent to juvenile hall. My mother wanted me to go back to school but I wanted to help her yet no one would hire me being 16. After two years I decided to go back to adult school and get my high school diploma soon after that I began attending a community college. Dropping out of high school is something I regret but I am also glad I was able to get back on track.
Once I got my High school diploma I found a job and I have been working there since I was 19. I started cleaning out the warehouse, then I became the assistant of the engraver and now I am the supervisor of the engraving department. Working there for over four years has helped me to be more confident, a leader, be more responsible, and be committed to my employer; For instance, giving out orders, managing schedules, and being responsible for any mistake that happens in my department. Furthermore, I have learned to deal with all different types of personalities, and how to resolve a problem when a conflict arises. Also, I have been helping coach a softball team for the last past two years. This has helped me set an example to teenagers because they look up to me and always go to me for advice on what is wrong or right. Sometimes I help them with basic things like their homework other times I help them solve problems that they were having with other teammates.

 One of my greatest accomplishments was losing weight. I know that for many this is something they do not have to deal with or that everyone does it just to look good. When I had dropped out of high school I ate a lot, I did not exercise, and slowly became obese. When I was 17 I weighed 230lbs at first I did not care and it did not bother me. Months later I reached 250 and I started to feel bad because I had to buy larger clothes. Then, I became self cautious I did not feel comfortable with myself and I ended with having low self esteem. I would wear hoodies all the time even during summer to try to cover myself. Also, I did not want to leave my house because I felt embarrassed and I felt people will criticize me for being big. I decided to do some research online on how to lose weight and change my eating habits to become a healthy person. A couple of months later I started dieting and exercising it was hard sometimes I wanted to give up and grab a big bowl of cereal other times I felt the same way and did not think I had accomplished anything. After many ups and downs a year had passed and i had lost 50lbs I felt well about myself and I was motivated since I only had 30lbs left. Finally, months later I reached my goal of weighing 160lbs. I felt well about myself, my self esteem went up, I made new friends and everything was great. I have helped many family, friends and coworkers since then and people come to me for advice on working out and dieting. This is my greatest accomplishment not only was I able to help myself but now I am also able to help other people too.

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<p>Critique on the second one: There are a BUNCH of run-on sentences in the second one…to the point where I couldn’t even get through it. Use commas.</p>

<p>Thanks I will make some changes. anyone else?</p>

<p>From tutoring someone with their homework to cleaning the streets of our neighborhood, I have always enjoyed helping others. In high school I wanted to become a teacher, a counselor, a social worker, or a psychiatrist. </p>

<p>However, in my junior year my parents divorced and everything went downhill. For the first time i saw my mother struggle financially. Finding a job and living in a completely different environment was a struggle. My grades nosedived and I dropped out of high school. At the same time, my only brother started hanging out with kids who were a bad influence and he was sent to juvenile hall. I was only 16 years old, but already I saw myself as an unemployed high school drop out. </p>

<p>It took me two years, but i eventually earned my high school diploma. That made all the difference. For the past four years now, I have worked my way up at my current job. First, I started cleaning out the warehouse, then I became the assistant of the engraver and now I am the supervisor of the engraving department. In that time, I have become a confident leader, taking on more responsibility and keeping up company morale. My usual day ranges from giving out orders, managing schedules, to being responsible for any mistake that happens in my department. Mostly I have learned to how to deal with all different personalities, and how to resolve problems.</p>

<p>Aside from the workplace, I have been coaching a softball team for the last past two years. This has helped me set an example to teenagers because they always come to me for advice. Sometimes I help them with the basics like homework, other times I help them solve problems that they were having with other teammates.</p>

<p>Many people have said that I grew up too fast. That may be true. Dropping out of school at age 16 taught me a valuable lesson about education. Along the way, I have learned many more lessons about what I’m good at and what I want to do, and in the end, I’ve learned to treasure school and to help others who struggled as I once did.</p>

<p>Essay two:</p>

<p>I weighed 230lbs at age 17. I did not care how I looked and I remember saying it did not bother me. When I reached 250 I only felt badly because I had to buy larger clothes. However, I also wanted to hide. I wore hoodies to cover my face and hope it would cover my whole body. I wished I was invisible. I did not want to leave the house and used every excuse to stay inside and away from anyone. I was embarrassed and felt ready to be criticized.</p>

<p>By then, I decided to do some research online on how to lose weight. I don’t know why or what changed, but I wanted to become a healthy person again. A couple of months later I started dieting and exercising. it was hard. Sometimes I wanted to give up and grab a big bowl of cereal. Other times I did not think I had accomplished anything, even after so many sacrifices of skipped meals or scraps of meals. After many ups and downs, a year had passed and i had lost 50lbs. I started to feel better. Finally, months later I reached my goal of weighing 160lbs. </p>

<p>Those fluctuations have abated and my weight has stabilized to a comfortable level. In the process, I have helped many family members, friends and coworkers since then and people come to me for advice on working out and dieting. This accomplishment is emblematic of something you can’t see: my self-esteem. Now, not only can help myself but now I am able to help others too.</p>