<p>GPA - 4.9 W, 3.66 UW
SAT Superscored - 1910
Prompt:
Rutgers University is a vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment? Consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership activities, volunteer services, and cultural experiences. Only personal essays submitted via our website will be considered.</p>
<p>Rutgers University is a metonymy for diversity. Students of all ethnic backgrounds amalgamate into this institution with high ambitions and desires to socialize with one another. Along with academic credentials, students carry with them goals, skills and interests in which they may apply in certain fields. As an aspiring medical school student, I wish to undertake rigorous courses that will prepare me for the intensive and arduous tasks in the medical field. One of six siblings all born in Pakistan, my father performed highly proficient in the academic fields and strived to continue his studies in America. Thanks to my father, my siblings and I received high standard education that would have not been granted to us had my father not taken the opportunity. With Rutgers being such a diverse community, I believe that my academic ambition, extracurricular performance, my ethnic background and as well as the fact that I have a twin brother will justify my place in the blend.
Early in high school, I was placed in accelerated courses and only some honors courses, such Biology Honors and Physical Science Honors. Prior to junior year, I consulted with my counselor to move me up a level in all of my classes for next year. Thus I was placed in all honors courses including Chemistry, AP U.S History, AP Lang/Comp and Pre- Calculus; enrollment in such courses strengthened by academic standards and boosted my grade point average. Now as a senior I am currently taking four Advanced Placement classes, and one honors class. Throughout the course of my high school career, I took part in various extracurricular activities. Sophomore year I volunteered in my schools greenhouse, where I was responsible for taking care of certain animals such as fishes, turtles, and boas; I also helped in cleaning up the place and filtering the water tanks. I also joined the Boys Tennis Team that year for the spring season; I played Junior Varsity. Prior to the summer after sophomore year, I wanted to take Pre-Calculus Honors the following year but was told by the math department that I could not. Thus I was required to earn an A in Accelerated Geometry, which I did, and qualified for summer school at Rutgers Preparatory School where I would take Algebra 2 over the summer. After receiving an A in Algebra 2 over the intensive two month course was I able to enter into the honors math curriculum. I am now currently taking AP Calculus. During this same summer I also volunteered at the JFK Hartwyck Nursing, Convalescent, and Rehabilitation Center for a total of 50+ hours where I was involved in maintenance work such as painting, as well taking care of the patients by taking them outside or delivering letters to their rooms. During Junior Year I was inducted into the French Honor Society and I also joined the Boys Tennis Team that year as well. I also did martial arts for over five years, and reached the upper rank of purple belt. I was required to lead the lower ranks, fix their errors, and teach new forms. </p>
<p>talk a little more about your volunteering and extracurricular experiences, and less about what classes you took. they’ll see your classes and grades in your transcript, but they won’t know so much about your extracurriculars unless you expand upon it in the essay. relate them to diversity and cultural experiences if possible.</p>
<p>for future reference, don’t post a hard-worked college essay online for anybody to see or steal :)</p>
<p>haha thnx man, yeah i was wondering whether i should mention my classes a lot. but yeah i’ll expand more on the extracurricular stuff. is there a way to remove this thread? or the first post?</p>
<p>For my Rutgers essay I made it into a story of a unique volunteering experience I did. If you can, try to make your essay into a story rather than just stating things that you did that make you diverse.</p>
<p>I think you are very well-spoken, but in my opinion, there are a few too many “big words” that seem to be used for the sake of using “big words.” The personal statement is not a vocabulary quiz. For example, when you say that Rutgers students “amalgamate,” the word is not necessarily serving you in its best possible function. Amalgamate is more of a descriptor for organizations, businesses, etc. who combine to form one organization or structure (more along the lines of “merge”). Also, you refer to Rutgers as a “metonymy” for diversity, which implies that the word “Rutgers” could be mentioned in speech or writing and people would unequivocally agree and understand it to mean “diversity.” This is not necessarily so. It could certainly be a metonymy for “college,” “university,” “the state university of NJ” but not necessarily “diversity,” as we don’t know whether most people would agree. Using articulate vocabulary is one thing, but blatantly choosing large words for the sake of sounding intelligent does not necessarily work. Otherwise, the writing is good and I don’t see any reason to change the information regarding your own back story. It’s clear that you are a hard worker and will contribute much to the community at Rutgers, just don’t worry about sounding smart. Your actions speak for themselves.</p>
<p>haha thanks kenmark, iloveNY, and amnaie. yeah ill admit amalgamate was taken off of the thesaurus haha. “metonymy” was a term we learned in my English class last year so i thought i use it for this. yeah i dunno if it will transfer well. but oh well, its just the essay, i think my gpa and sat score is good enough? wuts the essay for again? is it for like scholarships or what?</p>
<p>and also were if i use metonymy as a figure of speech, like a metaphorical kind. or will they look at in a literal sense only? because its obvious rutgers does not mean diversity, but this more of a praise if anything. basically im trying to emphasize that Rutgers represents diversity soo much that it IS diversity. hoping it has some rhetorical effect</p>
<p>i agree that metonymy could be understood in a metaphorical sense (which it is by nature as a figure of speech), but why are you praising rutgers? what does it add to your essay? it just seems gratuitous</p>
<p>And why would you want to use a word that could send an admissions counselor to the dictionary? I think they are looking for clear, concise communication.</p>
<p>Perhaps the best thing to do in order to have a clear, direct answer to this question is to make a list of the ways in which you add diversity. Then you can flesh out each item and determine whether your statements answer the question asked. For example, while making an A in a summer course that you took as a prerequisite for another course is commendable, I’m not sure it adds to diversity. You could expand on your ethnic background or your extracurriculars, however.</p>
<p>yeah guys i removed most of the courses and stuff, added more ethnic and diverse things, expanded on extracurriculars, and changed the big words haha. i sumbitted it already, so thnx everyone, wuts the point of the essay again?</p>
<p>yeah this essay is pretty old, i changed it A LOT, the second paragraph was like reduced in half, and i added a third and fourth paragraph with topics about how i could contribute and diversity. i submitted my app a while ago</p>