<p>You know something? That just may be the best thing for this situation, thank you very much for the suggestion, I will definitely run this by him and his counselors. My only problem with this is that he's attending one of the best Private Universities in the US and this would have been a plus for him but we do have good Colleges here in NY and he had been accepted to all of them which was on his list like Hofstra as one example , only now I don't think any of them will accept him since he turned them all down which means he will have to go to a lesser College?</p>
<p>Steel, as Orchid_2010 stated, maybe your son isn't ready to be in college right now. Perhaps this is his way of telling you to back off and let him find his own way. Is it a mature way to handle the situation? Of course not, but then young men his age seem to often lack maturity. I'm dealing with a son who's also poor at communicating with us, and it can be difficult, so I do sympathize. However, in this case, maybe your son needs to be allowed to face the natural consequences of his behavior and to find his own solutions. It's awfully hard to stand by and watch a child mess up when you just know that you could once again fix things, but it may be the only way he will ever grow up.</p>
<p>If my son was behaving this way, I'd back off and wait to see how the semester plays out. If he failed, then he would have to leave college and get a full time job. I'd let him live at home, for a while anyway, as long as he worked full time, contributed to the family welfare by doing chores (& not just tidying his own room), and was respectful of others (such as letting you know in advance whether or not to expect him for supper, and not disturbing your sleep with loud music/TV late at night.) Possibly the sort of work he could get without a degree would be enough motivation to return to college and actually make an effort. If so, I'd offer to pay (or help pay) for community college and then see whether the results warranted paying for the last two years at university.</p>
<p>I know that you don't want him to repeat what you see as your huge mistake, but he can't/won't learn this lesson secondhand. He clearly does not value a college education right now. Maybe he will in a few years. </p>
<p>I'd also expect my son to pay that $50 fine from the money he earned. I'd send the bill to him, along with a copy of my letter to the school informing them that he is responsible for it.</p>
<p>It might be better for you to not visit while you're still so upset. You surely don't want to cause a permanent rift. Since you know he has funds and won't starve, just stop sending the allowance, and don't call or write. Wait for your son to initiate contact when he's ready. My exception would be if you need to find out if he's coming home for Thanksgiving, since that impacts your plans. If he does come home at TG, try to avoid grilling him. You'll see him at the end of the semester and can talk about his future once you see how well or poorly this semester actually turns out.</p>
<p>You know something Zoosermom? That just may be the best thing for this situation, thank you very much for the suggestion, I will definitely run this by him and his counselors. My only problem with this is that he's attending one of the best Private Universities in the US and this would have been a plus for him but we do have good Colleges here in NY and he had been accepted to all of them which was on his list like Hofstra as one example , only now I don't think any of them will accept him since he turned them all down which means he will have to go to a lesser College?</p>
<p>Is it possible he is carrying too many credits? Maybe he would go to class and do better if he only carried 12 a semester.</p>
<p>If partying is the problem, my theory is that MY money is a terrible thing to waste. A student can not attend class and party hard at a local comm college for a whole less money. Or work fulltime and see how long they keep the job if they do not show up every day.</p>
<p>A friend's daughter became a no call, no email, no nothing for 2 or 3 weeks. The mom sent her a text message that said," If I do not hear from you in the next 2 hours I will report you as a missing person to the local police." The daughter called 15 minutes later and now sticks to the once a wekk check in.</p>
<p>I wish you luck, and hope it all turns out well for your son.</p>
<p>That's a great idea, I will definitely try it, thanks!</p>
<p>Are you paying for his cell phone? My friend didn't call home/ignored his mom's calls, and she had them turn off his phone service for a week. Believe me, he noticed when he couldn't call his girlfriend, and emailed her that day. She pretty much told him that if he wanted a phone, he'd have to call home.</p>
<p>Yes we pay for his phone and thought of cancelling his last year but with the plan we have i think we will have to pay a fine if we cancel and much more if we have to re-connect or something like that, my wife handles that stuff.</p>
<p>It sounds like he has bigger problems at school than not calling home.</p>
<p>If he is failing/skipping classes, and is on academic probation, chances are he'll be home sooner than you think. I'd plan accordingly - and kicking him out preemptively is probably not helpful.</p>
<p>He can do a semester or two at community college. I think it's more important that he grows up and gets control of his academic life than struggling through at "one of the best private universities in the US."</p>
<p>Best wishes.</p>
<p>It sounds like it's time to let him stand on his own two feet and sink or swim. It sounds as if you've done an awful lot of bailing out and he's either not learning from his experiences, he's not appreciative of what you've done for him, or he's simply gaming you knowing you'll bail him out. </p>
<p>If it were me and from my interpretation of your posts, I'd have a serious talk with him, let him know there'll be no more bailouts, no more parents talking to professors/staff (I'm surprised they'd even be receptive to these discussions), especially no more of YOU paying his alcohol fines, etc. I'd also make it clear that I wouldn't pay for any tuition while he's on academic probation - he's on his own for that. I'd also put a cap on the years of college I'd pay for since he's not applying himself before you end up paying for 5, 6, 7 years as he takes a minimal load. </p>
<p>He sounds like someone who needs to see the consequences of his actions (or inactions) and learn the hard way. I wouldn't cut him off from coming home though although if he quits college (for now) and moves back in I'd require him to have a job and pay reasonable rent (reasonable being something around market rates - not some pittance).</p>
<p>I don't think you have to cancel it, just call the phone company and ask to shut off service for a week or so.</p>
<p>But you probably have bigger problems than that - by college, you shouldn't have to be emailing his profs, talking to deans, etc - that should be his job. It may be tough, but you might have to let him fail - it could be the wakeup call he needs.</p>
<p>From all of the posts here, I am going to try certain things in sequence, first try the text-messaging-missing persons-police reporting idea, when I get him, make an appointment to meet this weekend, very calmly remind him of his options at this point llike maybe transferring to a local college here or failing out and having to pay rent and leave it at that, I think I'm going to ask his helpers to back off right now and let him grow up quickly on his own by the end of this semester, some of you are correct, maybe by always being there to bail him out, we may have been preventing him from taking responsibility. Since most of education is coming from student loans I don't have the leverage to use finances as a negotiating factor.</p>
<p>@ Luckycharmed
That is a super idea, I will ask my wife to call and shut off the service for a week and wait until he calls if the missing-persons tex messaging does not work, thanks!</p>
<p>it is SOOO hard to just let them sink-especially when you see that hard earned money go down the drain</p>
<p>how many here would just toss 30,000 dollars without fighting to salvage something from the year</p>
<p>I for one think students should be independent and show responsibility, but if any part of it is on my dime, and the are squandaring my cash, well, should I just step back and say, yeah, let that 10,000 grand be wasted so you can ignore me, not go to class and fool around</p>
<p>are you a signer on the loans? hope not</p>
<p>Yes, I am the co-signer [unfortunately] of the annual $32,000.</p>
<p>^ Wow. Gulp. Are you sure he is not attending class?</p>
<p>yes, this one teacher said he did not attend a single class the first 2 weeks and she is now recommending he withdraw.</p>
<p>Yeah. He needs to come home.</p>
<p>Steel,
He is playing this college experience like an all-expense paid vacation. He's got a place to stay, food, money for partying, and isn't really thinking much at all that come January, he won't be coming back. He's totally in the here and now.</p>
<p>If you have been in close contact with his dean and professors, now is the time I would talk to all them again, and tell them that you no longer want your son propped up, unless he shows signs of trying. In other words, no enabling. If he genuinely wants and needs assistance, and is doing his part, that's another story (you don't want them to think you're throwing him to the wolves). </p>
<p>His teacher has recommended he drop the class. How many hours will he have if he does that? Is it enough to make him eligible as a full time student? I've never heard of a teacher taking this much interest on a student's behalf, especially if he's not even attending the class.</p>
<p>If this keeps up, the best thing that can happen is for your son to come home. I've known of too many kids getting overly involved in party activities during college, dropping out of school, living in the campus town, and turning into the local dealer. Not a good situation. If your son is in with the wrong crowd, parental love means getting him out of that situation.</p>
<p>I know you didn't mean to come across this way, but your statement about "this would be OK if he was doing well in school" was kind of wrenching to me. Because it's NOT all right to be getting alcohol violations, running with the wrong crowd, and ignoring your parents' phone calls just because you're a good student. It tapped a nerve with me because I sometimes felt growing up that my achievements, and not my heart and soul, were what my parents took the most pleasure in. I know that's not really true, but sometimes we send that message to our kids without meaning to. And when a kid gets that message, and feels like he's a disappointment, he gives up and just lives each day to please himself.</p>
<p>Being a good student, being at a good school- all that is nothing compared to your relationship with your kids.</p>
<p>Steel, Honestly, I don't know where your son goes to school. But I can't imagine a place that wants to get together with parents and find a way to salvage a kid when he's getting into trouble with alcohol, skipping class, and who knows what. I'm seriously beginning to wonder if this is a money thing- they want to string you along for as many semesters as possible.</p>
<p>When I said "this would be OK if he was doing well in school", I had meant that if he did not want to speak to us or contact us, that would be fine by me if he's taking care of business but I would NEVER condone or encourage too much partying and the use of especially alcohol and drugs or anything of that sort. Just got word from his 2 counselors, they recommend we all have a meeting immediately and work from there, in other words, they both don't intend on giving up but rather wants to turn on the heat somehow to open the kid's eyes.</p>
<p>Steel,
Best wishes, my heart goes out to you. I'd be a living enactment of Edvard Munch's 'The Scream'....this would be me:</p>
<p>Hope everything works out.</p>