<p>Last year, both counselors recommended he withdraw, go to CC and then re-enter later on or he take time off, go to work and then think about school after a while, I shot down that idea for 2 reasons, one, becuase I know that once he leaves school he will never return and two, becuase he pleaded [begged me] to try a 2nd year vowing to change. So, no, the school does not have any ulterior motives whatsoever, I am just plain LUCKY to find those 2 individuals in particular who are willing to help ANY kid in their school, they both came very highly recommended and haven't let me and my son down.</p>
<p>i can understand not wanting to just give up, and trying to salvage a situation</p>
<p>Would we just want the school to just toss him?</p>
<p>many people skim along in college, gettting a Cs, and there is nothing wrong with that</p>
<p>doubleday, do you think the school should just lock him out, or at least give it a shot and giving him a chance, and meeting NOW to see if maybe taking a semester off and negoitiating coming back....that could be a possibilty</p>
<p>Hi STEEL - I recall chatting with you way back when about your guy - I am sorry to hear that this has been such a struggle for you and him - but I don't think all is lost in this situation. But a couple of suggestions - may be time to sit back and regroup for both of you.</p>
<p>Since he has a history of this stuff going on - and seems to be sinking right now vs swimming - it may be a good idea to consider his withdrawal from the school - and consider having him go to a school that is alot more local - a CC or state school - so that you can keep a bit of an eye on him. He really may be overwhelmed with the whole college thing - the academis and especially the social issues involved with being on ones own and having sooo many other things around that are easy to fall into.</p>
<p>Going to a lesser school?? He is presently not getting the benefits of the 'better' school - but your wallet is gonna be taking a huge hit because of what he is doing right now - is it worth a hit like that for you if he fails - or is it worth him succeeding in the 'lesser' situation. It certainly sounds as tho he still needs alot of guidance to get him thru college - and if I recall - it was some struggle to get him thru high school as well. He may not be ready and/or capable of managing on his own - away from home - on a college campus.</p>
<p>It will be interesting to hear what the 2 counselors have to say. It may be that you need to be prepared for the worse case scenerio - but hope for the best as well. It bothers me that you have received things about fines and alcohol related things - multi reports to you - in such a short time. </p>
<p>Good luck and let us know how it goes.</p>
<p>@Citygirl'smom</p>
<p>I never knew that option might be possible but thanks, I will look into it. </p>
<p>@Jeepmom
How are you? Been a while, yes, as you very well know, it's been a real struggle getting him here, the schoolwork is not overwhelming at all for him, as a matter of fact, a major issue all last year was he gets bored easily and that's why he hangs out so much so we had recommended he engage in various activites this year so I'll have to find out what happened to that idea? I haven't spoken to him since school started so i don't know what the entire deal is, when I find out I'll post back here.</p>
<p>steel- My heart goes out to you and your wife. May I point out one thing others have missed... if he's got access to one of your family owned vehicles, or any vehicle under your policy while at school, I would suggest immediately (or ASAP) rescinding his right to drive and regain possession of the vehicle. I would do this with no forewarning and present it as a fait accompli.</p>
<p>I offer this not as a punishment for his behavior but to protect your own financial interest in the event of an accident. This is particularly imperative if you suspect alcohol or drug use to be part of the issue. His behavior would indicate to me that he has clearly demonstrated that he does not have the maturity and sense of responsibility to be behind the wheel of a motor vehicle.</p>
<p>With that out of the way, it is clear that you love your son and have given him every opportunity to succeed. I applaud you.</p>
<p>Listen carefully to what the professors/advisors say when you meet. Try not to be overly emotional, but let logic dictate a course. It may be too late to salvage this semester academically. Ask about an administrative withdrawal... and the potential for a readmit in the spring. This might be the easiest solution and will provide you and son with breathing space, time for reassement and examining options.</p>
<p>This too shall pass. I wish you all success.</p>
<p>When you do get the opportunity to speak with him, my suggestion is to tell him that you love him and want to support him. Tell him that while he is not required to call you, that you would greatly appreciate it. Emphasize that you know he is busy and you don't expect him to spend a lot of time on the phone. Let your son know that he can always come to you for advice or just for a shoulder to cry on when necessary.</p>
<p>Steel-</p>
<p>I, too, have a son with marginal academic success. </p>
<p>This is what has helped me through the last 2 years:</p>
<p>I believed that it was my responsibility as a parent that he graduate from high school. I would have moved heaven and earth, and consulted with as many teachers as possible to ensure that this happened.</p>
<p>I do not feel that same responsibility about college. None of your peers will criticize you if your son flunks out, as they may have about high school. You can sit back and let life administer its own consequences to your son, without feeling as if you are doing a bad job as a parent.</p>
<p>Steel - your guy may well be aware that he has screwed up - and may be feeling pretty guilty - maybe even afraid of the consequences that are coming - especially from his family. I know you care alot about your guy - and let him know that - you are always there for him - and have been. But that said - I recall your struggles - and reasons for them - and as hard as your guy tries - and you too :) - he may not have the where-with-all to manage being away from home - at college - on his own, etc.... with that nearby support that he has always needed.</p>
<p>You have been his best advocate for a long time - and he obviously still needs that support - whether it be a positive or negative - it can certainly be channeled in the right direction - but may be pretty difficult to do long distance. I realize it is very difficult to even consider watching your guy fail - but there are times in life that has to happen - in order to learn and move on. He is not the first to be in this situation - and won't be the last. As hard as it may be to do - he just may have to fail - on his own terms - but not at your expense either - ($$ wise at least). I also realize there will be guilt on your part involved - should he do so - we all have felt that at some point in our own lives. But it may be what he needs to do - and then pick himself up and move onward and upwards.</p>
<p>Even tho he has his 'own' $$ from a job - you are still the one paying the bills and that in of itself - deserves respect from him to his parents - it is not too much to ask for him to 'be in touch'. You just may have to go the 'tough love' route in this situation - to be able to come out the other end intact - for both of your sakes.</p>
<p>When are you meeting with the counselors?? Is your guy expected to be there as well??</p>
<p>I really do appreciate every single post in this thread, thanks to ALL of you!! He doesn't drive, thank God but thanks for the advice! Sorry I forgot to mention in my original post that the reason and urgency for us contacting him now is not at all becuase of what I learnt from one of the teacher's but rather that we need a document for him for his Health insurance and we only have 2 days left to get it, we just sent him a text message, email and phone message about the missing person's idea giving him until tomorow morning to contact us before we file a missing person's report, if that deosn't work then I'll ask public safety at their school to track him down, we plan to meet with him, the 2 counselors and I will request the Dean be there too to decide what's best here.</p>
<p>If I may suggest...at this meeting with your son and the counselors/advisors/whoever and you. Say as little as possible. Let the college folks lead the discussion and then you can ask your son what he thinks, what he wants, etc. He needs to be actively involved in any decision. Whatever decision is made he needs to take ownership of it. He gets the praise if the plan succeeds and consequences if his plan fails. Personally, I would want the plan in writing so 3 months down the line there is no discussion of who agreed to what. If you all come to agreement on the plan, then back off and see what happens. Do not let it consume your daily life, because it may drive you crazy (just a figure of speech) and in a few years it really may not be that important.
I am sure this is heartbreaking for you and your wife. We all want so much for our children.</p>
<p>You read my mind, I am intending on not being physically present in that meeting as I want him to take charge on this and not have the comfort of having me physically by his side like I was at the last meeting when he pleaded with me to do a 2nd year. I do intend on being on the phone just simply listening in and not giving any input, I'll leave it up to them to settle this.</p>
<p>Your plan sounds very logical. One thing to suggest for farther down the road - if you even suspect that alcohol/drugs/depression/whatever are playing a role, ask for a counselor's input and make sure that goes on his record. If the semester does come to a crash, he may be able to ask for a medical leave before finals and negate the 0.0 GPA with a "withdraw" instead. Transfer schools might then ignore this semester. Doesn't save you any money but might save his chances later on when he's grown up a bit.</p>
<p>Steel:</p>
<p>Read this thread:</p>
<p>, about parents being potentially stuck with student loan payments for a DD who graduated, but it was a tough journey, from a top LAC. It does not all apply, but while you may be tempted to feel that everything will be okay if he can only get his degree from that great school, that may not be the case and you may be money ahead in the long run to address the underlying issues now?</p>
<p>I do not believe the parent ever posted the issue, possibly some depression and other things...the kind of issues where you hope if you can just hold out and get to the degree everything will work out. In their case it is not working out. Maybe no more cosigning?</p>
<p>Maybe a withdrawel from this term with a refund?????? And being allowed to be automatically readmitted if certain steps are taken to prove the issues are resolved. Then you DS could move home, get a job and pull his head out of the clouds of unreality and decide if he wants to be a burger flipper or wants to buckle down and do the work required in college. </p>
<p>I know of a top public where kids are allowed, with the Deans' approval, to withdraw and do not have to reapply to begin again, they just need to accomplish some preagreed upon steps to get back on track. It is a case by case procedure, but it is there. Just because he withdraws now does not mean he cannot ever go back, but he could potentially have some time to grow up and figure out how to function and take it seriously. Your son has no clue what those loans will mean for the future....$32k last year and another $32k this year??</p>
<p>I feel for you and wish you every success in dealing with this crisis.</p>
<p>@CMBMOM
Yes, it worked, thank you very much!! He sent a text message reply to my wife last night after 3 hours of receiving my text message, saying he will call today, if he will call, I don't know but at least we know that he's alive.</p>
<p>@Somemom
Yes, we can definitely identify with the situation in that link. My son too chose the best school on his list which gave him the least awards, grants and scholarship money, the loan situation is something I will have to discuss with him in detail.</p>
<p>@Dragonmom
I will certianly look into that issue with the Counselor today, thanks.</p>
<p>@padad
Really appreciate your sentiments!</p>
<p>When and if I talk to him, I will post back here.</p>
<p>Steel, good luck today ... I hope everything works out well for your son and your family!</p>
<p>I want to remind all that this process MUST be driven by the student. Under FERPA, the college is legally bound to respect the privacy wishes of the student. So don't expect much from them.</p>
<p>Frankly, I'm surprised they've allowed the parents to be so involved in this case. It makes me suspect there is more to the story?</p>
<p>At any rate, good luck. While I've been fortunate with my own daughter, I watched the struggle between my younger brother and my parents for many years. In fact, it took a good 20 years for the situation to straighten out. don't wish that on anyone.</p>
<p>Good luck steel.</p>
<p>When our D did not return calls for several days, we called dean of students and expressed our concern. He contacted RA and we got a call from RA within minutes saying she is OK and a call from her in an hour. This a small LAC.</p>
<p>My S is in a small department at a large public U. Once last year when we had not heard from him (turned out he had put his cell phone through the wash) we called the department admin. She (probally a mom herself) made sure he called. We worked with him to get him a new phone. Although he doesn't initiate calls this year, he is much better at returning them.</p>
<p>S is struggling through an engineering program. When he came home this spring, was thinking of not going back in the fall. A summer spent at home, working two jobs and paying rent on an apartment he wasn't living in convinced him that school was a better choice for now. We won't know for a while if he made the right decision, but at least he is back out on his own. Paying rent and living expenses with what he saved over the summer. We paid for tuition and fees, but are lucky in that no one has yet had to borrow money for school. Paid off our mortage early so that we would have the cash flow for tuition. S will most likely need to borrow money senior year.</p>
<p>Steel - plenty of people drop out, take time off, flunk out, etc. I have two sibling that flunked out of our flagship public university twenty years ago. Some people are not ready right away, others are. Both completed degrees (my brother has a master's in finance) and are responsible adults. The financial consequences of all that debt could be devastating. If we were borrowing money to send S to school he would have been out after freshman year and home working/going to CC. Not sure if it would have been a better choice. Hope that things work out for your son.</p>
<p>Good grief. I call my mom maybe once a month. She doesn't flip out and start phoning random college officials or campus security in the interim. You can bet if she did crazy helicopter parent things like that, though, I'd be way less inclined to talk about my academic progress and life in general with her, regardless of how much she's paying. If I had been completely under her control freak thumb in high school and had my life spelled out for me by her, too, you'd better believe I'd be relishing the time away from home and not giving two ****s about my classes. If I didn't have the academic skills to do college coursework independently because I had always had my parents there to bully me every step of the way, I could see losing confidence and just not caring, too, and a tutor isn't going to do anything about the caring problem and having my parents threaten to file a missing person's report for not answering every phone call is only going to add to academic stress. Of course the kid didn't snap at the community college/work and live at home thing when presented with the option...it's clearly the HOME factor that's the problem. I don't know what the best course of action is in this situation, but it's not dragging the son back home and not going to involve the current level of parental hovering.</p>