Can't Stand Being Alone

Student Lounge College Life
1

I’ve been at college for about 5 weeks now, and I can’t stand all time I spend alone here.

I was by no means popular in high school, but after spending 13 years in the same school system, I had a fair number of steady best friends and belonged to a couple different more-casual friend groups. I didn’t party or go out too much, but I loved doing homework, driving around, or just talking with these friends. By senior year, it felt like I spent even the most mundane seconds in the company of other people.

The same can’t be said about college so far. My school has a program where they send some freshmen abroad for the first semester, and I was admitted to the school through that. Now I’m at a campus in a new country with about 100 other students from my own university and thousands of local students.

During the week I always feel lonely. I tested out of a couple of labs and don’t get much homework in my particular courses, so I have a lot of free time to kill while the other students are, you know, being students. I’m going to start going to the library to do homework and read so I can avoid sulking in my empty apartment, and I’m hoping this will make me feel less lonely.

Until today, the weekends were fine because our home university coordinated a lot of trips for us international students. I made a couple of friends on those trips, but I definitely don’t feel like I belong to any group yet.

Today was the first Saturday when I didn’t have anything booked, and it was awful. No one was in the apartment until the evening. I went to the grocery store twice to keep entertained. I tried to carry out two tentative plans, and they both fell through. My roommate invited me to go out to a club, but I really don’t have the liver or the funds to go into the city as often as I do, and I’m really not much of a club person to begin with. So now I’m sitting alone on a Saturday night, having an existential crisis.

Here are my main concerns: How can I stop being so upset whenever I have alone time? Will I ever get back what I had in high school? Does the period of hanging out for days and days with friends end once everyone has real life responsibilities? And am I doing something wrong, or do I just need more time to make more meaningful friendships?

I know this is mostly a fleeting feeling, but I’ve been really overthinking things lately, and any advice would be appreciated.

2

No solid advice but a general message of support. You’re in an unfamiliar culture, which alone would be disconcerting, and on top of that, you’re thrown together with new people and new experiences. Feeling lost and alone is the least of the reactions that would be expected.

Are there clubs or groups at the local school that you could join? If you play an instrument, you could participate in band/orchestra (my D was able to find a rental instrument on a semester abroad and made some connections there) or perhaps there’s a religious group or an intramural sport?

Frankly, I don’t think these “first semester abroad” programs are in the best interest of students.

3

Get up tomorrow and go to something - go to a church just to see the architecture or hear the music, go to a lake/river/ocean and watch the water, walk through a park, go to the grocery store and find something to make or bake. Rent a bike. Ask a roommate to do something you like to do like go to the theater or movie.

4

It sounds as if you are relatively busy given that this is the first Saturday you’ve been alone.

Alone time is a learned behavior. It sounds as if this is something you have to work on and learn to appreciate and enjoy. It isn’t easy but once you do, you will come to value that time.

Someone here gave some advice to someone else recently where the poster keeps a list of things she needs to do or get done when she has a chance. It can even include things you’d like to do, not just tasks. Then when alone time presents itself - take out the list.

5

First off someone invited you out and you choose not to go. You don’t have to drink alcohol if you don’t want to. You will need to accommodate other people’s interest if you want to make friends. It’s not just about you…

Secondly, you might not realize how lucky you are. Can you share where you are at like region /city? If overseas there is sooooo much to explore. Just learning about your location, culture, food etc etc. There must be museums, churches, Operas, music, art, food to explore. Going into villages to learn about the people (depending where your at).

My daughter did a study abroad in Indonesia. But then back packed through Southeast Asia alone. She met so many people at the youth hostels (you can just eat there and it’s usually cheap), going shopping etc. Just exploring but she was a white person so she stuck out like a sore thumb, as they say.

There must be activities for internationals. Also can you take another class /activity in your down time?

Don’t look at this as" I must meet my BFF."… You will disappoint yourself. Use this time to learn about yourself. This is what growing up is all about.

6

Someone invited you out on Saturday night and you said no? Drink water. You must have some money. Spend a little now, scrimp later. At this stage, you do what others are doing if you want to make friends. Yes, go to the library. Volunteer. Get in touch with the person who invited you out and go for coffee. Down time? Get to your list. Go to a museum. There must be an events calendar for the place you’re in. Wander the streets and listen to buskers. That’s free.

Don’t feel sorry for yourself. There is no magical D’s whereby you must have true friends. It happens naturally and it takes time.

Next time you are looking for plans on a Saturday night ask people “Hey, is anyone doing anything on Saturday night?” I mean this nicely, but you are feeling a little sorry for yourself. It’s allowed, but you have to manage time alone or you are going to find your first semester very tough.