A while ago, I had a discussion with my parents about selecting a college. They sternly expressed their dismay at my intended major and school. Back then, I was focused on my frustration and believed I had made the right decision.
Fast-forward three months and I’ve lost all that confidence and willpower. I’m not so sure I can conduct myself well 400 miles from home, and I felt homesick and guilty during orientation itself of “abandoning” my parents for 4 years of my life (I intend to return to my home city and work there).
All the adults and friends I’ve talked to say I’m just spooking myself, and I should not drop the college I insisted upon. While deep down I know they’re most likely correct, I can’t shake the intense stress and anxiety I feel. It is so strong I’m considering hightailing it and applying to a local CC (they still accept fall applications) before transferring to my local state university. They’re decent and cheap programs; the gap between my original choice and this local state university isn’t too great. The same companies recruit from either campus.
I am frightened by what my parents might do or say to me if I beg them to let me go to a CC–which they are prejudiced against–and, in doing so, vacillate once again, except this time with a consequence. It would be cheaper overall (and hence practical), and it would mean I’m still at home, to my mother’s joy especially, but I imagine my parents would not be amused. And I also fear, due to their bias against CCs and having to backtrack on all those times they told their coworkers and relatives I was going to Irvine or took the long drive here that they will be angry with me and view me as a humiliating flake.
I don’t know why I’m suddenly so overcome with fear and reluctance and am unable to push it down. I was always indecisive, but I used to be at least somewhat confident of this decision. Maybe my parents’ words rattled me. Maybe (probably) I was just acting impulsively against their strict and harsh words. Either way, I’ve screwed up. I think this just highlights how immature and unprepared I really am, but the people I’ve talked to assure me I’m better than that and would miss out on a great experience if I played it safe and went to a local college. Somehow, I’m unable to believe it and also feel frustrated with myself for not being more brave and adventurous when it gets down to it.
I’m sorry for any repetitiveness or rambling. What do you think I should do: stick with my college or go local?
I went to college 30 years ago. I still remember the day I left home and how empty and sad I felt. I felt excited about be on my own, yet guilty about leaving home. It was confusing. It lasted about a week into the first semester, the first time around. It came back periodically but always went away after a few days. It is funny. I remember driving my little sister to her dorm, her first time away and I felt the same way as well. So sad to see her leave. I remember the feeling of emptiness in the pit of my stomach.
I will feel the same when I let my son go next year.
What you are feeling is normal. College students feel this way. Adults leaving for a new job feel this way as well. Many people making the break from childhood to adulthood feel this way. This is part of moving on. It feels awful but it is part of the whole ritual of college. You are not alone.
The thing to remember is that you are never trapped. Once you enroll at Irvine, if you feel it is not the right place for you, you can still go home. It is a simple as that. Your CC will still be there. Your parents will still be there. You will still have options. If you decide not to go to Irvine, that is an opportunity lost. Why not give it one semester. If it does not work, head home. There is no shame in trying and then changing your mind. No shame, even if your parents express disappointment. There is no shame in trying and deciding it is just not for you.
Irvine, is a great place, by the way. Are you heading to UC Irvine? We live a few cities over and UCI is on my son’s list of college he will apply to. A lot of kids from our local high schools head there.
You and your family sound like you are pretty screwed up with regard to communication and support for each other. That said, this is very normal to get cold feet. Some kids are more flexible than others, but the first year of college is a transition year with everything new and different and unknown. Just go with the flow and understand that there is some discomfort for change at any point in your life, but going through the experience will be growth for you. I think it will be good to be away on your own and get influences from others be it professors, a helpful TA, older students in your department and just new friends to talk with. 400 miles is only an hour plane ride or half a day on a Craigslist ride share or megabus, and there is phone and email and skype. You will find that being away will make everyone appreciative each other a little more and you will learn to make more decisions on your own, but parents are still readily available.
UC Irvine is a comprehensive university and offers just about anything under the sun. There is no way it can be a mistake to attend no matter what your major. You can start wiht gen eds and some of the intro and prereqs for your major while looking at other options too.
That said, it would be foolish to live you life based on what your parent’s coworkers think. It is simply nothing to say that you decided to start with CC because you aren’t sure of your major yet or other light remark. But I encourage you to look forward.
Go to Irvine! If you’re worried about not being mature or independent enough for college, heading home to community college at this point would represent a giant step backwards. You become independent by making a life for yourself, making your own decisions, having faith in your ability to do the things you set out to do. And it takes PRACTICE to get to that stage. Start now.
Residential colleges are filled with people making this transition and these schools are set up to help them make it successfully. Assuming you’re living in a dorm, you aren’t responsible for finding housing or shopping and cooking for yourself. Many things you need or want (laundry facilities, library, gym, movies, health care, potential jobs, ice cream) will be within walking distance and the OCTD bus system provides pretty good access to both work and play.
This is totally do-able.
And, you know, in the long-run, your parents need to make this transition as much as you do. Just as your life will change once you leave home, so will theirs. It’s inevitable and I don’t think it gets easier if you drag the process out. Lest you think I’m being unsympathetic, I’m saying this as a Mom who is, herself, just a year away from empty nesthood.
Bottom line is you’re doing nothing wrong by going to a good university that’s a day’s drive (or an hour’s flight) from home. If, after a year at UCI you wish you were closer to home, then transfer to a different UC.
Oh, you are experiencing what every college Freshman to be experiences as they prepare to leave home to go to college. It is magnified by the fact that you and your parents were at odds about your college choice.
First, know you are not alone. Ninety -five percent of Irvine freshman are feeling to some degree what you are feeling and the remaining 5% are simply lying about what they are feeling.
Second, like all college’s Irvine offers a First Year Seminar or First Year Experience course. Here the instructor will talk about the doubt, fears, and homesickness experienced by Freshman and ways and resources to help you manage it.
Third, your dreams and desires matter. There is a reason the most popular graduation gift is Dr. Seuss’s Oh the places you’ll go. Going away to college is exhilarating, scary, and the ultimate adventure into the unknown. But oh, the places that being an Irvine student will allow you to go! Trust yourself, trust in your dream, and embrace your first year at UC- Irvine.
Sounds like very normal anxiety and possibly depression. Talk to someone at school. They usually have a mental health center students can go to. Anxiety can be treated very effectively. I have faced it during my life and I know how horrible it makes you feel! It makes you doubt your abilities, makes you wonder how you ever thought you could succeed. You need to talk to someone ASAP who can get you the help you need. Once you tackle that you will find that the college experience will be a wonderful one for you to grow into!