My child was just assigned a roommate. We are conservative Jewish family and my child was paired with someone from a Muslim family. We feel the choice could add undue stress to the start of college life. How do we ask for a roommate change in a most respectful and courteous manner?
It sounds like your child should have requested a single if his/her religious preference is going to be a barrier to getting along with most roommates. Maybe it’s not too late to request one.
However . . . your child might find more in common with an observant Muslim in terms of habits than most other roommate options. In other words, you can ask but it could be a case of “out of the frying pan and into the fire” unless it’s just the fact of a Muslim and not at all related to compatibility of personal habits and tolerance of things like drinking in the room, opposite sex overnight guests and similar things that often lead to roommate friction.
If this isn’t fake, reevaluate your priorities. I’m a Jewish student who roomed with a Muslim and Christian my freshman year. I am still very good friends with the Muslim roommate, and learned quite a bit about her religion during the time we lived together.
I agree that in terms of certain habits and lifestyle issues there may be some common ground.
I had have the same thoughts as whenhen…
Starting with definitions- for clarification to anyone unfamiliar with Jewish denominations- Conservative Judaism does not mean the same as politically conservative. A brief description is that Conservative Judaism falls in the middle spectrum between Reform and Orthodox.
As far as I know, I do not think there is anything about being Jewish that would make being room mates with someone of another religion an issue at all. For Orthodox Jews, there could be concerns about keeping food Kosher in a shared kitchen, being able to observe Shabbat, but this is not a big issue in a dorm room. Orthodox Jews consider these issues before applying to college, and attend colleges that support their needs, such as Kosher food in the cafeteria.
Brandeis, a Jewish founded college is diverse, and admits students from all backgrounds, including Muslim students.
That said, I could see where a parent might be concerned about the possibility of political conflicts between them, but this is possible with any two room mates and changing room mates won’t solve that, in addition to the many possible conflicts between room mates when two people share a space. The first solution to room mate issues is communication and mutual respect. Changing room mates is a last resort.
It is also possible that these two could become the best of friends. You raised a bright kid to go off to college, meet new people, learn new ideas, and to handle potential conflicts. It is normal for students to feel apprehensive about new experiences, a new room mate, but it is also exciting. IMHO, this is not a situation that needs intervention at this time. I would let your student experience all the emotions about this new phase of life, and let this be an opportunity.
What is your child saying? From your post it sounds like the concern is yours and not necessarily your child’s.
You are conservative, not orthodox. I doubt this will interfere with his schooling.
Would you rather he had a roommate who drinks, brings the girlfriend every night, or whatever other issues could come up?
I’d let this one go.
A lot of common ground. And a lot to learn, too. Your son (not you) can ask for a roommate change, but it’s not going to earn him any respect from the Powers That Be. Think about the messages he would be giving about himself – and that his parents are supporting, apparently: The mere fact that a peer is Muslim bothers him so much that he’s not willing even to attempt a functional relationship. In the face of something that challenges his complacency, his choice is disengagement and retreat. There are some ugly epithets that could be attached to those character qualities. Is that the kind of person he really is? Is that who he wants to be?
I can almost guarantee that, if it’s feasible to make a change, his alternative rooming arrangements will be inferior in any number of respects. Wherever, the bottom of the barrel is, that’s where he will be. Also, someone, maybe more than one someone, is going to wonder, “How did we admit this kid in the first place.”
This is how two groups start to get along…by meeting and interacting (and living) with individual members of the other group.
As a parent I think I would think it beneficial to give it a try…like others said, there are many practices in common…if there are any issues then look to switch.
Also, I notice OP said “someone from a Muslim family”. Do we even know if the roommate is actually Muslim? Are we just going by names or have the two students actually communicated? Because I’m pretty sure the roommate assignment from the school didn’t list the kid’s religion.
Most schools have a policy for changing room mates after a short period if they are incompatible. If after your “child” and the RM meet and begin living together and then discover it will not work your young adult or the RM can make that request.
Who can predict how it will turn out? Your son/daughter might be one of these freshmen who experiment with drugs/sex/alchohol/etc and drive the RM crazy. They might get along wonderfully. You could request a change now and be assigned with a black/gay/conversion-intending conservative Chritian/etc room mate that could also be offensive to you.
Or another conservative Jewish room mate who sexiles him/her every other night.
Let your kid use this as a learning/maturing experience. S/he will learn that people of differing religions/ politics or whatever can get along or become friends. Or how to handle conflict.
My Jewish son was assigned a Muslim roommate freshman year. They got along so well that they chose to live together for all four years. Junior year a Christian roommate joined the suite, as he was another close friend. It all worked out really well.
This thread reminds me of the problems a certain young woman’s mother had with her daughter’s roommate at Princeton. She had the daughter (and then she herself) requesting a change because they felt uncomfortable with the roommate. The daughter was from Louisiana and white, the roommate was from Chicago and black. Princeton didn’t do anything, but several weeks into the term, the black roommate herself moved to an emptier suite. Today she’s the first lady of the United States.
I really don’t think it will be an issue at all unless you make it one or you convince your S it will be a problem. Part of the college experience is interacting with people of different backgrounds. If your son is unwilling to do that, then becoming part of a residential campus was probably not a great idea. My D lived with a Muslim student from Africa – they got along very well and are still friends.
How would you feel if this type of narrow-mindedness was applied to your S because he was Jewish? Read below to see how Father Hesburgh of Notre Dame dealt with students at Notre Dame (a Catholic college) who did not want to room with a Jewish student. This happened years and years ago but seems relevant.
Some are familiar with this story, but it bears retelling today.A Jewish student had left Notre Dame because of the way his roommates had treated him. Word of his departure reached Father Theodore Hesburgh, CSC, who was the University president at the time. He called the remaining roommates to his office and told them to go to the Jewish student’s hometown along the East Coast and to bring him back. If they couldn’t persuade their former roommate to return to campus, Hesburgh said, then he didn’t want the two of them back either… All three did return and all three graduated from Notre Dame.
http://magazine.nd.edu/news/56886-a-round-of-racial-provocations/
I can’t imagine the school will make a change for that reason in any event, especially since it sounds like you didn’t make any request upfront… And great story @katliamom
We are a conservative Jewish family and my S was assigned a roommate from a Muslim family his freshman year. It did not cause any undue stress. They were not best buddies but it had nothing to do with religion. They just didn’t share the same interests. They roomed peacefully enough for the year and then shook hands and went their separate ways on campus. My advice to you is let the kids work it out.
Agree with all of the posters here - give it a chance. Not only is it part of the maturing and experiential process that is going away to college, but it’s also how opinions change. Have your child learn to build bridges b/w races and cultures. There is always common ground, even if there are some differences. It will be a life lesson they will carry forever. Contrary to popular belief, not all Muslims and Jews hate each other (nor are they bound to by some code). Such opinions are perpetuated by those who stigmatize. Let your child figure it out themselves.
And BTW, it is often the most unlikely pairings that become the best of friends. I was a Northeastern Jew going to a southern school. My roommate was, quite frankly, a complete redneck from a rural part of North Carolina. I was the first Jew he’d ever met. After a few weeks of school and getting comfortable with one another, he actually asked me about the horns thing (as he had heard growing up). He was also one of the smartest people I’ve ever met, as he graduated Phi Beta Kappa with a Math/Econ dual major. We are still close today, despite living in different parts of the country. You never know, let it happen.
Good thing this is an anonymous forum- there could be problems for your son if no one would be willing to be the roommate of a religious bigot (IF he shares your concerns). Red flags would be shouting about potential problems having to share with your son because of unwillingness to be with anyone different than he is.
How does a student deal with the situation? Ignore it. No reason for roommates to, heaven forbid, be friends with someone outside their religion. All they have to do is share space, not their lives. And, as others have posted, it could be a lot more stressful.
My Jewish roommate of one year did not appreciate that I would not be sextiled (the word did not exist in the early '70’s- it was the beginning of the sexual revolution). Who knows how religious she was- I think religion only came up as finding out if the roommate would want to go to mass with me (back when I still went). Over 40 years later she may be shocked at my evolution as a person and I might find her much more conventional than I am (who knew I would marry an Indian who was raised Hindu while I was raised Catholic- they don’t even share the same creation mythology as Jews-Christians-Muslims). Our biggest gap was socioeconomic- having/not having any money to do things. I have become the rich physician her father was- although we don’t spend like we have the money. Also- science versus nonscience interests meant more.
Teens in college are still figuring out who they are going to be as adults. Experiences with different people help us learn who we are and who we want to be.
That’s a great story Happy1. I had a (not terribly observant) Muslim roommate my freshman year. We still keep in touch 40 years later. I learned a lot from her. Interestingly her mother was German, so I also got plenty of help with my German homework!