@thedreamydaisy I think you have received some very good advice. The only thing I would like to add is about the finances. In the OP you said it would be easier financially if your son attended a state school. In post #3, you added that you thought it would be an advantage if your son lived at home so he could stay debt-free. Sometimes kids are wise in their own way and parents should try to pick up on that. I recommend having some kind of “talk” where you include your own expectations and things you’ve learned about the college application process, but also go over the funding aspect. Your son attending an affordable state school and living at home is not the same kind of “problem” as when the child applies and is accepted to some unaffordable private school. I agree that now is the time to get your son engaged, but ultimately you want to respect his decision on which school to attend, consistent with economic considerations.
@Publisher S20 refers to his gender and the year he will graduate high school. It is a standard abbreviation for here in CC.
I was there with D19 where you are with your son. I could have written your post. We are still in that place somewhat. My D is still not openly embracing the idea of going away to college, rather she seems to be quietly accepting that it’s the next step for her. She never wanted to look at schools or talk about the process, still does not. She doesn’t know what her interests are or what she wants to major in. That said, her dad and I pushed her to apply to nearby universities that were no more than 3 hours away from home (with one exception of a reach school). I also relied on (good) peer pressure, hoping that her very academic friend group would talk about college/applications all the time and sweep her up in the wave. The peer pressure did help to some extent when getting through the application process. Some parents and friends wondered if D might benefit from a gap year, but we feel like she will greatly benefit from becoming more independent from us. Our theory: push her to ensure she had the most options and the least regrets. D in fall of ‘19 might have very different opinions and feelings than D in fall of ‘18.
D now has the choice of our excellent in-state university 75 minutes away from us and the other state school just downtown. We think that the university about an hour away is the place for her; “away” but not far from us. While I worry that she will be overwhelmed and homesick for a little while, I am also hopeful that she’ll end up loving college life. She is our oldest and has no real experience or idea of college - so of course that’s scary for some kids. I keep telling her that the future is so exciting for her, she just can’t see it from where she sits. But we’ll take it week by week once she attends. I also tell her that nothing is absolutely permanent; if after a semester or year, she hates it, we can talk about changes. Perhaps knowing that will ease her mind.
I don’t know if this is helpful, but wanted to chime in and say I know how this is. It is stressful especially when it seems all her peers are fine with the transition. We have pushed D through the process because we feel like that was and is the best course of action for her and we didn’t want her to have any regrets when all her friends start leaving for schools—but obviously you have to do what’s right by your S and your situation.
It’s a common feeling at this stage in the process. The Bay Area is rich with excellent community colleges. I would let him know that this is a perfectly acceptable path if for no other reason than to let some pressure out of this process.
It will be clear to both of you when he is ready to spread his wings and it can happen seemingly overnight. In the meantime, knowing that community college is an acceptable option could make him less apprehensive about visiting the four year campuses since he can rationalize that he’s looking at them for eventual transfer.
Finally, have you calculated his UC GPA? If that pops up, UC Davis might also be an option. If nothing else, Davis could be an appealing transfer target from community college. If you’re in the East Bay, it’s an easy drive over for a visit.
@ThreeGals thanks so much - sounds very similar! I also am not sure a gap year would make sense for him, but we have let him know that it is always an option. He says he does want to go to college and he also knows what he wants to study (film/video production).
@Otterma we have let him know that community college with a transfer is an option. We live close to DVC (we’re in Concord, CA) and that is a great choice if he decides to go that route. Funnily enough, the one school we have visited in UC Davis. He was a young sophomore and it was way too early, so as a consequence he hated it…lol. It would be a stretch school unless he scores really well on the ACT/SAT, but we might revisit depending on those results.
Thanks again everyone for all the great advice - it is nice to know that we’re not the only ones that have ever been in this position.
And to those asking about finances, we are definitely not looking at anything we couldn’t afford. Oregon State (based on their NPC and scholarship calculator) would likely end up the same in cost as a UC school. The only private school we are looking at is Saint Mary’s College where he qualifies for the highest merit aid based on his GPA alone and he could live at home.
My first two were applying at 16 and wanted to leave home but I required they ALSO apply to our two local public schools. If I were you, I’d require he apply to 1 or 2 affordable options away from home and then see where he is come May of his senior year. He’s got a lot of growing in the next year, best to Cover the bases just in case.
@Publisher S20 may mean her Son graduates in 2020
I would say "Let’s have local CC as a plan and you can live at home. If you want to look at other Cali schools that is great too.
Our high achieving somewhat introverted D (an only child, btw) was definitely going to attend college but didn’t really have a fire lit under her (it’s that next step, and it’s scary). While weren’t going to do the whole “tour 20 colleges before applying” thing, we did want her to seriously get in gear. Early in her senior year (early October), we decided to tour a couple of local schools - a small private 15 minutes away and a large public 1 hour away - just so she could get a flavor of what was out there and what might appeal from a size perspective. Just those two visits really got her motivated and working on a college list, which she put together (we just took a look - it seemed to be a reasonable balance of reaches, fits and safeties, as much as anyone can divine that type of thing). She did drive the rest of it (with some guidance). Sometimes, they just need a gentle nudge.
@thedreamydaisy, consider adding Sonoma State and Sac State to your son’s list of possibilities. The price is right and neither are far from your home.
Not all kids blossom once they make that move away from home. I’ve known plenty who transfer close to home after a year, or truly need to come home every weekend to manage their anxiety. There are a lot of different ways to ‘do’ college. I hope you and your S find the one that works the best for your family.
@oneofthosemoms thank you! We did have Sonoma State on the list although fit with major is not as great there. I will look at Sac State also to see what they have in the way of film/video production. Somewhere he can live in a dorm but still come home on weekends (if needed) might work best for him.
@thedreamydaisy, you might also look at USF’s Media Studies major/Film Studies minor (easy BART ride from you, and he’d qualify for lots of merit aid); University of the Pacific isn’t too far from you and has this interesting looking major (he’d get nice merit there, too):
I have not read through the entire thread but here are my thoughts. My almost 26yo S got a lot of scholarship money thrown at him from many schools. While he was not as active as I would like in the college search process, he certainly had inputs and made many suggestions. He ended up at a school half way across country with a full tuition scholarship and flunked out first year. We had him tested and found out he is very IQ but has EFD. Bought him home and he continued to attend our local state school and CC for a couple of years until we decided to cut our loses. S loved to go to school to learn but was unwilling to do busy work once he had the subject down, even if it meant he got a poor grade. For example, he will not do 20 math problems when he knows it in 10. He worked various low paying jobs with no benefits for many years while living at home. Good kid, did what we asked of him, just could not find his “tribe” wrt to a career. I signed him up for a welding class at out local votech school because I knew welders were in demand. He loved it. Applied to the pipefitters union and got accepted as an apprentice. As a first year apprentice he makes 44K a year. Not great money, but in 5 years he will be making over 100K. Free training. He loves, loves, loves it. He comes home from work and talks about the economy, politics, theology, etc. He is still a smart kid who loves learning, but also likes working with his hands. Your son may need more time to figure it out, may not be interested in college at all, may want to pursue a trade. Give him time and allow him to spread his wings. Let him know there are other paths besides college. We did not “lose” a lot of money when S flunked out, we were only paying for room & board, but it could be a costly lesson if you are full pay.
@mamom - skilled welders ARE in demand. I have the utmost respect for good tradespeople. My H does a lot of stuff on our house. He knows a lot (and learns what he doesn’t), but he’s not a professional. I see how much knowledge and skill is required to do this stuff, and how a layperson like him struggles with it. The fact that the post-HS emphasis is always on college vs. encouraging interest in the trades (don’t get me started on the continual cutting of shop classes in HS and the lack of a good, affordable trade school system) is just doing a disservice to our children and our community. We NEED smart, talented people who know how to plumb, wire, build, repair and maintain our stuff. Good for him, and good for you as a parent for being able to let the expectations go and let him grow into himself. That is not an easy thing to do.
I know a lot of smart contractors. A lot of them clearly had learning disabilities that probably hampered them in school. One guy absolutely cannot spell at all, but he’s great with numbers, can organize a crew, and makes sure everyone does good work. Certainly college isn’t for everyone.
That said, I also think a lot of kids (and it seems like more boys than girls) just aren’t ready to think about college as high school juniors. I think one or two college visits to nearby colleges can let them see that college does not have to be just like high school only bigger. Or it can make them see that they really do want a break.
I totally agree that good tradespeople are in demand. My S20 is definitely not that way inclined and does want to go to college (just not sure where as of yet). My second son, on the other hand, has autism but is fairly high functioning, and I would love to get him trained in some kind of trade once he gets out of high school (he’s on a certificate track and not a diploma track). Every child is so different and I also believe that we, as parents, need to be supportive as they work to find their way in the world.
I’ve got a friend who always claimed her son wouldn’t be going to college. She said she knew he’d hate being cooped up inside a classroom all day. I always thought it was a shame she wasn’t encouraging him as he was a very intelligent young man. In the end, though, she was right. He does some kind of electrical work now, completely self taught, on the job training kind of deal, and makes over $1,500 / week. Plus, he gets to travel all over the US. He loves it. He’s doing much better financially than many of my friends’ kids who went to college. Everyone wants college for their kids, so I think that makes us sometimes forget that there are other options out there.
Has he ever been away for something like sleepaway camp? While I agree, it’s totally fine to stay at home, or pursue something other than college, if it’s feeling intimidated by the idea of living away that’s stalling his interest, some of that might be mitigated by trying a short summer program this year where he lives on campus for a week or two. My S21 is doing a 1-week program this summer at a local college but staying in the dorm as part of the program. While, in theory, he does want to go away to college, he was kind of freaked out about having to spend just a week sharing a bathroom with strangers so I could see him getting intimidated by that aspect of going away as college gets closer. I hope the real exposure will show him it’s actually fun to live in a dorm.
My daughter was also young for her grade and wasn’t into the college process for most of her junior year. But we set up a tour for spring break, based on some of her interests, and once she set foot on a campus, she became more enthusiastic.
The hard part about college planning is that kids are so young when they have to think about something that will take them all the way to age 22. It’s really too much at once.
You are fortunate to have a fantastic public education system, including community college. I’d let this rest until you get your son’s scores back, and then maybe suggest a tour this summer. Even if school isn’t in session, he could at least get a feel for a college campus. Include a few CCs. It may be that your son will prefer to go to one of these for 2 years, and then apply to a UC.
The thing to keep in mind is that he is not behind! He will eventually leave the nest, get an education, and have a life for himself.