OP, timing is everything in this process. Our S10 wouldn’t talk to us about college apps until fall of his senior year. In retrospect, it may have been that he wasn’t ready to put himself out there for possible rejection. And what he didn’t want was all the chatter from us parents. It was probably putting more pressure on him.
He was fortunate to have a wonderful teacher who guided S and his classmates through the process. Maybe there’s such a teacher or program at your S’s school?
in my experience, college is a pretty abstract concept to the typical 16 yr old boy. They either think they are all the same or that there’s only one good one.
You can help break that paradigm by touring a variety of schools, then discussing what they liked or didn’t. Someplace like UoP is a great representation of a small private school, Sac or SF are good representative large commuter schools with urban surrounds, Davis is a really big UC in a college town, and Sonoma is a tweener size and is really residential. Visit several, chat it up with some students, ask them about their experience and where else they applied. Use the drive home to talk about what they liked or didn’t - use that feedback to help them find a couple of schools they will feel comfortable at - and can get into.
From the East Bay, these can be half day or less outings… or can be added to trips they already need to take for a sport/band or just a vacation.
Thanks again everyone for the feedback! S is open to touring some places this summer so we’ll visit some of the closer schools to give him a variety of what is out there. We’ll also know his ACT and SAT scores by then, so we’ll have a better idea of fit, merit aid, etc.
I prefer visits when colleges are in session so that you can meet students. Summer visits tend to either have empty campuses or visiting students.
Our dear friends were a half hour from a CSU. All three of their kids started out commuting there, then moved into apartments with friends. It was a nice transition out of the nest, and it saved them a lot of $$.
Apply at a variety of colleges. Drive around and definitely arrange some overnight stays. For my son, college as a real thing didn’t kick in until our accepted students’ day visit. I told him, if you like it here, we can make it work. The schools have so many opportunities for students to gradually separate themselves from the family home. Our son love attending the rising First Year student summer orientation and is having that initial friend / associate group has been great.
He will slowly realize over the next 6 months that all of his friends are going away to school. A lot of shy kids just want to stay with the status quo. But the status quo isn’t the same after HS graduation. All of his friends will probably leave town and he’ll be sitting at home wondering what to do.
My SoCal D19 has completely changed in the last year. During her junior year (she is young for her grade) she kept talking about going somewhere in SoCal. What changed the most was the amazing experience of going through the MIT Womens Technology Program in Boston before her senior year. She got on a plane by herself, had to find her friend group and experienced a classroom environment and exploring a new city. It might be too late for your son to have that kind of experience, but maybe he can go on a visit of schools with friend instead of his family. When you think of it, it is perfectly natural to fear going somewhere where you are away from your family, don’t know anyone, have to start college classes. A lot of new experiences
In looking back, I can see now how the steps you make when they are little help prepare them to make this step. Going away to a college sports, arts or math camp when they are in middle school, traveling around the country or world for vacation and going to cities or college towns, these things really help when they try to project themselves being successful somewhere.
As others have said, I wouldn’t push him. There are great community colleges close. He will eventually find his own way. I have a nephew that was pretty sheltered when he was young, never traveled far from home. He went to a community college, then was accepted to the flagship public 30 min next to his home, went for a semester and decided to transfer to the City College of NYC in Harlem to follow his passion surprising everyone.
He will get there.
@19parent thanks so much! It is helpful to hear others’ experiences. Just this week, he has been really reluctant to discuss anything. His grades this semester have not been as good as in the past (sitting at all Bs right now where he has a 3.72 UW GPA before this semester), and it almost seems like he is setting himself up to only have limited options come college app time. We did have an honest conversation and told him that community college with a transfer after 2 years is absolutely a valid option for him. He’s even waffling on major now (has always wanted to do film/video production but now isn’t sure).
I feel like he definitely needs some maturing and hope to see a bit of that over the summer. We are going to push him to find a job during the summer and encourage him to just spread his wings a bit more in general.
a 3.7 UW is nothing to be ashamed of… perfection is an elusive goal. I’d let him go on that front.
If he’s still not interested, come next November, I would coerce him into applying to a 3-5 of CSUs and walk through the ap with him. You can couch it as keeping doors open. His ‘local’ school and few others that you have toured . UCs and privates are more time consuming aps (essays and such) so, that may be too big of a thing to force. If he gets into Chico, Sonoma, Sac and SDSU and decides the local CC is the best choice - that’s an OK outcome… In my expeience, few of his classmates will wind up where they think they will and he’ll want the go away option open to him come April… If he doesn’t submit the aps, it will be too late. The lead time on the whole process is really hard for many teenage minds to handle.
Neither of my kids were interested in college until the last minute. If i hadn’t pushed them, they wouldn’t have applied anywhere on their own. One is a fairly recent Chico grad and the other is a happy sophomore at a WUE school out of state. Their friends who defaulted to a CC have been kinda stuck and found it tough to get motivated. Their friends that applied to directly to several 4 year schools but decided to go to a CC then transfer found an easier path, they were better prepared with pre-reqs, etc. Small sample size … but, in my experience, having options is better than not…
good luck.
@NCalRent thanks! He is definitely open to applying to some places so he will do that (and I will likely help him through the process). We all agreed that it will be good to have choices come next April. For now, he is working on at least maintaining his current grades (even if he ends up with all Bs this semester, his overall GPA will only drop to a 3.6 range which is fantastic in our book - we have never pushed for perfection). And he will sit for the ACT in April and SAT in May. We’re trying to work on small goals at a time. I do believe that SFSU may have an open house over his spring break so we maybe will take a look there if he feels like it.
OP’s son is currently a HS junior. Whew, from thread title thought he was a HS senior- a very different scenario. Kid sounds normal about not looking ahead to college and liking where he’s at. So many changes in the coming months. Looks like you are on track for thinking about colleges.
Warning- the junior year is the last one admissions will see. Downward trending in grades is not what they look for. His “okay” gpa will not be as impressive as that of a student whose gpa reflects better study habits by raising the gpa. You sound like you want a B, not a mostly A, student. This will affect where he will be accepted for college. Time to ramp UP, not down, on the studying this spring. Coasting on his prior gpa will not serve him well in knowing how to survive any college. He needs the best knowledge base and study habits. I understand not pressuring for perfection but you do him a disservice if you tell him its okay to underperform for his abilities.
@wis75 we are trying to strike a balance and are still pushing/encouraging but without pressuring.
D18 was against the process and did not show any interest until November of her senior year. She hated tours or talking about options. I dragged her on a few for her brother. She finally got a little excited when she got into a college far away where our oldest D lives.
She did have options to live at home and attend locally or go 45 minutes away. By February of her senior year, she had gotten in and was really excited to go far away to warmer weather.
She is one who would happily live with us and lounge around if we let her. We just put her on a plane back to school today and she was grumbling. She likes it and wants to be there but definitely needs some encouragement. She is very shy and has grown a lot this year. It’s been good for her.
There’s still plenty of time for your S to have options. Hang in there. Maybe find some schools with programs or activities that might interest him?
@NicoleGreen gives sound advice. It maybdound like an awful lot there in that last paragraph but often parents are placing so much emphasis on academic readiness that they unintentionally neglect the actual preparedness to physically manage being away at school - functioning day to day as an adult while still managing the academic piece. It’s such an important piece of being ready to not only “go to college” but to actually succeed there.
Update: I had mentioned in passing a week or so ago that San Francisco State was having an open house type event this coming Saturday. S20 came to me today and said he would like to go and take a look. We are not registering, but will go and at least walk around the campus while there are plenty of other people there. We are about an hour away and he could commute there via train if he wanted, so it could be a good fit.
Happy he is showing some interest and we are just keeping it low key and letting him take some initiative. He seems to be spreading his wings a bit in the past few weeks both inside and outside of school 