<p>He's never been away from home. He's tried but always changed his mind. Now he's all signed up, has a roommate and student loans to sign for, class schedule, etc, but thinks he can't do it. It doesn't help that the school is a 10 hour drive from home.</p>
<p>He was also accepted at a local school, and could probably get back in for at lease some classes, so that's an option. But I don't know if we should be encouraging him to go away, or not. Frankly, I was pleased to see him choose the far away school, but I really expected this change of heart, given his past. He's supposed to leave in 2 weeks - and he keeps see-sawing on the decision. I know he needs to decide ASAP, but how to get him to do that is looking impossible. Has anyone else dealt with this?</p>
<p>Can he revisit the school that’s 10-hours away to make sure he really doesn’t feel comfortable going there?</p>
<p>Otherwise, my suggestion would be to remind him that he must have had some excellent reasons for deciding to go there, and I’d suggest that he try it out for a semester. If he hates it, he could come home, but at least he’d give it a chance.</p>
<p>I also suggest talking to him about what specifically he’s concerned about? Making friends? Missing his friends? Meeting new people? Handling the coursework? Then, you could help him devise strategies for addressing those concerns.</p>
<p>First question… Is your son more of a homebody or is he actively engaged in his peer group in HS?</p>
<p>If he is actively engaged with his current HS peer group, I would suggest the following…</p>
<p>1) Find a reason to terminate the local option ASAP. His see-sawing is just feeding the cycle. </p>
<p>2) Hopefully you have some vacation time and a little money to offer to stay at a hotel near campus for a week or two after depositing him at his dorm. His fear of the unknown is entirely irrational, but he cannot realize that until he lives the experience. Having you in the background in case of emergency (you should not contact him, let him contact you) should be more than enough to get him through the first day or two. If he doesn’t call you for 72 hours, call him and let him know you will be checking out of the hotel and going home. Offer to buy him dinner to celebrate his successful transition to college.</p>
<p>3) If he asks for help like how to do something or else (join a club, change a class, etc.) try to advise him of someone on campus to help him. Avoid doing his scut work. </p>
<p>4) If he is calling because he is lonely or is not relating to people, refer him to his RA or campus counseling service. They do this for a living.</p>
<p>5) If he is calling because he wants to share his fun experiences, by all means offer to buy him dinner/lunch. You should also be able to check out of the hotel the next day.</p>
<p>If you didn’t notice, I have physically separated you and him when he is anxious. His mental construct of you being physically close should be enough to get him through most anything.</p>
<p>If he is typical, he will realize his insecurity is not well founded and tell you that you can leave after a day or two.</p>
<p>If you’re not decisive, you may be giving him mixed signals. That he’s not comfortable being out on his own is not a choice, it’s a problem. So, stop coddling him. Frankly, if you had forced him to stick with going away in past situations this probably wouldn’t even be an issue. So be part of the solution versus being part of the problem. Tough love. </p>
<p>That’s not to say that goaliedad’s approach can’t be very helpful, but keeping the kid around is only going to handicap his options in life.</p>
<p>Going away to college is so much more than simply getting through the first couple of weeks…although I agree with some of goaliedad’s suggestions. Simply put, you want this to be a success for your son. Only you know him well enough to understand his reticence in going away. Some kids are just like that. My niece told her parents that she did not want to go to college, but they insisted that she try it out. Unbeknownst to them, she stopped attending classes in the middle of the first semester. Of course, they found out eventually, but not before the damage was done. They admit now they weren’t listening to her when she tried to discuss it with them.</p>
<p>What exactly do you mean when you say he’s never been “away from home” before? No summer camps, slumber parties, class trips, weekends at the grandparents, etc? Most kids have had short separations of 1 - 7 days from parents - I sure hope your son already has, as it is a stepping stone toward independence. </p>
<p>Assuming he has been away on short trips alone, then he’s like most kids his own age and is nervous. Don’t feed into it. He <em>may</em> emotionally crash and burn at the distant college because there are no guarantees – but you are able to tell him that 10 hours away is just fine, that you’ll visit after a few weeks, he has his cellphone (right??) and email.</p>
<p>I agree that another road trip to the college in the meantime is in order… just so he can figure out his way around campus, poke his nose in the bookstore again, check out the local town, etc. Some people like to get the “lay of the land” ahead of time and a revisit is one way to help that out.</p>
<p>If your son is clinically mentally ill, then most bets are off the table - but I’m going to assume this is just normal, if on the high end, stress on the part of your son. What do you think?</p>
<p>I’ll agree with givings. If the issue is college, what I suggested will not work. If it is a leaving the nest issue and college itself is not the problem, being in the vicinity for a short transitional time is a small price to pay for his security.</p>
<p>Be sure you know the true issue before you start trying anything crazy.</p>
<p>Sorry, but college is not summer camp or spending a weekend with the grandparents. There is much more at stake here. If Mom forces him to go and he fails his classes, that will follow him around for the rest of his academic career.</p>
<p>I don’t know you and don’t want to come across as critical, but what role might you be playing in this issue? I’m guessing he’s getting mixed signals as, apparently at previous points in his life, you’ve signed him up for activities that would involve being away from home but “he’s always changed his mind.” I don’t know what kind of activities those were, but why was he allowed to always change his mind?</p>
<p>I wonder whether at this point he lacks the confidence – and thinks you lack the confidence in him – to make this transition. Can you explain a little more about why he’s been hesitant to separate in the past? Knowing his past issues, why was a far-away school even on the table?</p>
<p>Honestly I think if it were me I’d be saying, “You’re in a great situation. You need to give it your best effort. If it doesn’t work out, we can re-evaluate after the first year.” Then you tell him he’ll be fine as many times as he needs to hear it over the next weeks/months. I have a sense that maybe you have been sending out some “you don’t really have to go if you don’t want to” signals, whether consciously or not. And I’d be hesitant to tell him it’s only for a semester–I think that’s setting him up to be home for good by Christmas. </p>
<p>If he does end up going, also be aware that many college freshmen, particularly boys, only contact you when things are miserable, as they surely will be periodically. This is when it’s most important to keep your game face on. Think how proud he’ll be and how proud you’ll be when he succeeds.</p>
<p>I agree with the poster who commented that you need to not give mixed signals. Unless he’s a special needs child, it’s time to bite the bullet and help him get over his seperation anxiety IMO. I would tell him everyone feels a little fear but that I expect him to follow through on his decision as adults are expected to do.</p>
<p>I didn’t want to go away to school. I wanted to go to the local CC and work in a department store and get a discount on clothes. I had been admitted to a major that took 20 students each year and my parents knew that getting in as a transfer would be difficult if not impossible. My parents told me I had to go. If you knew my mother (who would love it if I *still *lived with her), you would be very impressed.</p>
<p>If your son starts college at the faraway school and then drops out early in the semester, little or none of his tuition, fees, and room and board will be refundable. If he withdraws now, before the semester starts, it is probably possible to get most of the money back.</p>
<p>Although “tough love” may be appropriate in some circumstances, I know of cases where students have gone away to college and simply panicked, becoming unable to function. One such student briefly lived next door to me in my freshman dorm; another was the son of one of my husband’s colleagues. In both cases, the parents believed the students would have been suicide risks if forced to stay at college (and in the case of my next-door neighbor, the counselors at the college agreed). Both families lost a LOT of money, but it was better than risking losing the student’s life. In both instances, the students eventually went to college, but they did it as commuters at colleges near home.</p>
<p>The more I look at the original post, the more I see this as a “separation anxiety” issue, not too different than what we all went through the first day of kindergarten. It looks to be with any experience (not just college).</p>
<p>My arguement for going through with the transition now is that it doesn’t get any easier later. It sounded like the son could take some classes locally (not an entire degree I am seeing here), so why put off the inevitable? Going a year from now just makes him a transfer student without that incoming class of frosh around him going through the same issues, so it may actually be harder next year.</p>
<p>I like the suggestion that they arrive early to spend more time warming up to the environment. Plus during that time, they should introduce son to the counseling services where he will get help dealing with his anxiety. Perhaps some professional counseling will help.</p>
<p>I am also going to put out some disclaimers here. </p>
<p>I’ll agree, if the son has a developmental disorder that manifests itself in this insecurity, he is not ready to leave the nest.</p>
<p>I have an Asperger’s autistic son. Everything dealing with a new social environment is taken in small steps. The transition to independent living will take a few years in stages.</p>
<p>I have a “neurotypical” (opposite of Asperger’s) daughter. Goaliegirl can be (and has been) dumped into independent living and travel arrangements with nothing more than a cell phone and credit card. She has the confidence to negotiate new environments and seeks them out.</p>
<p>Every kid is different. However, everything I am seeing here is indicating that he is just having some separation anxiety. Unless the OP indicates otherwise, I stand by my original advice.</p>
<p>I think the OP needs to give more information on the previous “attempts” at leaving home. If the son has truly never been away-- like to Grandma’s or camp or even to sleepover at a friends, there is a much bigger issue here than the typical precollege nerviousness…</p>
<p>Of great importance to me in analyzing this is that HE chose the college away from home. So on some level he felt ready. This just sounds like some above average fear that needs to be conquered.</p>