Clicking the submit button in the middle of a divorce fight.

Parents Forum
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<p>Well most of my applications are due within the next few days and I, being the typical procrastinator, am still working on them. I have my Common App essays set and have a group of 3-4 other essays that I am just picking apart right now to send in as different supplements, but I still need to focus. I need my parents credit cards so that I can pay for a few more SAT score reports and application fees. I need to be able to have a tiny bit of quiet so that I can print everything out and check it over and click that submit button with confidence.</p>

<p>But unfortunately such is not the case. My parents have decided to get divorced as of...3 hours ago. That's really splendid. I mean, I sort of saw it coming, and I'm not really upset about it yet (I guess it hasn't sunk in), but what I am upset about is that they are telling me TO MY FACE that it is my fault.</p>

<p>That's not even important, though, right now. I am choosing to ignore it. I can handle my parents screaming at each other and at me, I can handle the fact that they are disregarding my requests to at least allow me to finish all of my applications before they drag me into their mess, I can handle that. I can't handle them refusing to help me fill out financial aid forms because "THERE ARE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS GOING ON." I can't handle my mom saying that I should live with my dad (sarcastically) because he will waste his life-savings (not that there's much) and all of his salary for me to go to some "hoity-toity school" that I will "probably not get into anyway." I similarly can't handle my dad saying that I should go with my mom (also sarcastically) because she will give me $50 a month to take community colleges online and that she's jealous "she could never have gotten into schools like the one you're going to get into."</p>

<p>Suggestions? I'm quite calm right now, but as I sit here and try to write a "Why Yale" essay I find that the only thing that I can think of is "So that I will be 2000 miles away from here."</p>

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<p>It's not your fault, which you know. It's their own faults as you can tell from the immature fighting.</p>

<p>Is there another computer you can use in a quiet place? A friend's house, the library. They owe it to you to give you the financial aid information you need to fill out the paperwork. You can apply to the schools on your own, wait for a quiet moment, and ask the least hysterical parent for the financial data. When school starts, meet with your college counselor and see if you can get some help there.</p>

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<p>I'm sorry that you've been put into this situation, and I'm sorry that I can't offer more advice/help as I don't have the experience to do so.</p>

<p>I second PVmember on all fronts -- a) it's not your fault in the slightest bit, and b) a friend's computer or the library (or school?) would be good places to be at this time. If you need someone to proofread your essay, feel free to PM me or e-mail me at <a href="mailto:seekr452@aol.com">seekr452@aol.com</a></p>

<p>I'm sorry that you have to go through this hardship and that your parents couldn't be mature enough to wait until after this already stressful time.</p>

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<p>Do you absolutely have to have the Fin Aid info now (as in for scholarships)? I would focus on getting the funds you need to get applications paid for right now, so that all the work you are doing comes to something, and then contacting the schools next week about getting the fin aid stuff submitted ASAP (and telling them why if you are comfortable doing so).</p>

<p>This is NOT your fault.</p>

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<p>Hugs, J07! Do you have an aunt or uncle, grandparent, etc. who would give you credit card number to use for submissions? It is a stressful time for everyone. Good luck.</p>

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<p>J07, it is a highly unfortunate situation. Reading between the lines, it sounds like your father is in favor of the schools you are applying to. Try writing a note to him requesting his help and give it to him tomorrow morning. Tell him that you would do what you can to put minimum financial burden on him and all you want is a good education. Remind him of all the nice things he has done for you. May be your mother may also melt if you wrote to her separately. Hopefully a night's sleep will put some sense into both your parents. If all else fails, get help from relatives or close friends to pay for the application fee. I think you can submit your application without the fin aid forms. Hope things will turn out well for you. Good luck!</p>

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<p>j07, you are displaying superhuman calm and patience during a very unfortunate situation. It's obvious that neither of your parents is in a reasonable state of mind at this point, so I would take the advice of the other posters and work on your apps somewhere besides home. Hopefully, your parents will have calmed down a bit in a couple days and you can get the finances in order. Failing that, explain the situation to a trusted relative or parent of a friend and ask for the money to send score reports and application fees, offering to pay them back somehow. I doubt they will make you repay them, but it shows maturity, which you already have in spades. If you can't get your parents financial info in time for financial aid, email the FA offices and explain the situation, with a promise to send the necessary info as soon as you can. I imagine this isn't the first time they've had seen this situation.</p>

<p>Best of luck.</p>

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<p>What a difficult situation to be in! I agree with those who have said that you are displaying a lot of maturity. I also agree with their suggestions to find another place to do your applications.</p>

<p>One thing to consider: Definitely make sure that you're applying to some colleges that would be relatively low cost for your family, and where you know you'll get accepted. This may be, for instance, your top in-state universities.</p>

<p>Divorce can cause financial problems as well as emotional upheavals in parents that could make them unable to or unwilling to pay their expected financial contribution. So, protect yourself by making sure that you apply to some financial safeties.</p>

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<p>As always, NSM writes what I was thinking. If one of my S's friends were in a predicament like you are, I'd suggest that friend come over for the night, work in quiet, and use my credit card. Once you get to a safe house, post some of your stats and interests, and perhaps people can offer some suggestions for additional schools that could offer merit $.</p>

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<p>j07~</p>

<p>Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this emotionally devastating event at this very difficult and stressful time in your life. {{{{{hugs}}}}} to you.</p>

<p>Of course your parents' decision to divorce is NOT YOUR FAULT. Not at all. When adults are in extremely stressful situations, they can say and do things that they DO NOT MEAN. It is very hard to keep this perspective, but it is one you should try to embrace.</p>

<p>I think the main thing right now is to seclude yourself as much as possible so that you can finish your applications in relative peace. And if you can, seek out another relative who may be able to help you send credit card payments with your apps. As NSM points out, plan for all financial contingencies by applying to schools with various ranges of tuitions. </p>

<p>I hope that things will settle down for you soon, but unfortunately, this decision of your parents to divorce has come at a VERY inoportune time. It may even be something that they reconsider, as the holidays (and college app. deadline times) tend to be stressful for many people. </p>

<p>Sending you and your family thoughts and prayers. Hang in there, O.K.? </p>

<p>~berurah</p>

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<p>I can't add to the advice already posted. But I would like to join everyone else in saying: the divorce is not your fault. And--that I and no doubt many others on this forum hold you in high regard and believe in you and your future.</p>

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<p>Wow. Pretty narcissistic for your parents to try to pull you into the failure of their relationship, but this is not your relationship or your failure. Try to forgive them but also to just "go blind and deaf" to them if possible while you fill out your final essays. </p>

<p>If you have a local adult you trust, take the time to go to see them to vent if you need support.</p>

<p>I heartily agree with NSM and others who caution you to have a strong middle plan for your college years re expenses and selectivity..something you know you can manage should your parents be very dysfunctional and also broke during your college years. Nothing wrong with applying to Yale or to schools that only give financial aide based on need but make sure you have two or three schools where the numbers clearly add up. Parents fighting over their assets are not known for being fair or rational and after the divorce is not necessarily a better time. It takes time for everyone to regroup.</p>

<p>I know at least three college students who have wonderful counselors at their colleges simply to help them sort out how to manage their parents' divorcing and subsequent irrational phone calling, intrusive crises and unfair attempts at triangling their kids. Yes, it is best if you have parents who are there for you as you enter the stressful but rewarding next chapter of your life, but you will have to find some other people to see you through. </p>

<p>Keep your heart as light as possible, and move forward toward the light as they say. You don't have to get everything in life that matters from your parents and one day you can accept them and stand on your feet with little interference from them. You will find that college and work and your freshman hall will bring you new opportunities to learn a little from a lot of different people. For one thing, there will be other freshmen with divorced parents for sure. One counselor may help you reframe your family of origin in a way that is very helpful to you forever, another teacher may believe in your talent, the guy next door in the dorm may demonstrate how he copes with hardships of another sort that will inspire you, another person may help you sort out your vocation, another person may help you take joy in your friendships. Be strong. If David Copperfield can make is so can you..I am kidding but truly, there is so much to enjoy as a college freshman and so many of our colleges are full of interesting adults you are going to love.
Please know that college counselors expect for this to happen to a significant number of their students each year...you are not alone and you can soon seek emotional support and guidance from other adults who are trustworthy.</p>

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<p>Thank you all sincerely for your heartfelt and supportive responses. Things have calmed down a little bit around here...my mom apologized to me for being so irrational. They are still arguing but at least I am out of the middle of it. She also told me where to find her credit card (after she...left), and so the application fees won't be a big problem.</p>

<p>I am merely frustrated because in many situations I need help with something on my college applications and it turns into an argument. For example, my ethnicity. My father is Mexican and I have always identified MUCH more closely with that side of the family: speaking Spanish, eating the food, the traditions, etc. My dad says that I should check the Mexican-American box and leave it at that because that is how I was raised and I am 50% Mexican. My mom doesn't want me to mention that at all...she wants me to put that I am Caucasian (like she is) and forget the Hispanic thing. I have tried to explain to them why I feel most comfortable just putting both (it does say check all that apply), but they got in a huge argument about THAT.</p>

<p>Also, my essays are providing a huge amount of stress. All of my friends are applying to state schools and don't understand or care about the value of a good essay. My mom will glance at a sheet of paper for 5 seconds and say that "it's fine, you're the smart one who knows everything, right?" My dad tries to help me edit, but he still makes grammatical errors in English and thinks everything that I do sounds brilliant, which is to be expected from someone who doesn't speak the language perfectly. </p>

<p>I am applying to 11 schools, one of which I am ABSOLUTELY into. One of the others is a safety as well, and they have already unofficially offered me a huge merit aid package (~20k a year for Natl. Hispanic Merit Scholar). Of the remaining 11, my GC has classified 2 of them as "mid-to-high safeties." Additionally, my parents don't understand need-based aid. I am applying to Princeton, for example, and while I know it is unlikely that I will get in (as it is for everyone), I used the Princeton EFC Calculator on their website and found that my family would be expected to contribute an extremely reasonable amount of money (between 12-15k). I have explained this to my mother, shown her the website, bought a special financial aid book for her, and asked my GC and father to talk to her, but she remains of the opinion that there is absolutely no way that I will be able to pay for any college period.</p>

<p>One of my essays is giving me a huge amount of trouble because I am getting such mixed feedback on it. My dad loves it, my mom hates it. I have sent it to 2 people on CC (whom I trust, one a well-established parent and another a 'friend' who was accepted to Princeton ED), and one of them loved it and one of them didn't.</p>

<p>Anyway, sorry for all of the ranting. Thanks again for all of the lovely comments. I truly appreciate everyone's concern, and once again find myself with fond admiration for the cohesive and beautiful community of CC.</p>

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<p>Thank you for taking the time to update us.
My experience as a student was that it wasn't a good idea to show my essays and applications to my family. Doing so would have inhibited me. I also found that my mother, although well meaning and very informed (she got to sit in on admissions committee meetings at our local liberal arts college), she cared so much about what I was doing that she was rather anal retentive. I remember, for instance, her getting upset because I put the stamp on my application upside down. She insisted that would cause me to be rejected!</p>

<p>You can check "other" for ethnicity, and then mention that you are half Mexican and half white. That would honor both of your parents, and still allow you to get any advantages for being an underrepresented minority, which you are. </p>

<p>From what I've seen of couples considering divorce, things can get very rocky with many abrupt decisions that are overturned shortly after. Try not to get caught up in their drama. Keep realizing that their problems weren't caused by you, and make sure that you have a financial safety that you definitely can afford (even if your parents become irrational about paying for college), and would enjoy attending. Keep in mind that if a parent can afford to pay, but refuses to pay, colleges that provide need-based aid won't make up that difference. Consequently, it also would be a good idea to apply for any merit aid that you might qualify for. Usually the easiest merit aid to get is that offered locally or through the colleges themselves.</p>

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<p>It sounds like the best course of action is to keep your parents out of the application process as much as possible. You decide which 'ethnicity' box to check. And ask someone you like/trust -- a teacher, a counselor, a CC parent -- to proof/edit your essay. By limiting their input you're taking control of the situation - and giving them the space they clearly need for their own issues. And of course - good luck.</p>

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<p>While you should definitely avoid "taking sides" or having your parents put you in that position, it sounds like your Dad is much more supportive of your college aspirations right now.... so I would suggest that you go to him for whatever emotional support you need related to the college process, and avoid unnecessary discussions with your mom. She is probably very stressed out worrying about money -- which is understandable -- but there is no need to argue about that now. You will know in April which colleges have given affordable aid package. You only need ONE parent to sign off on the FAFSA forms, so if your dad is familiar with the family finances, I suggest working with him for now. You can reassure your mom that you understand that finances will be a factor in your ultimate decision, but tell her that you want to wait to see and compare the financial aid packages -- and the first step, of course, is getting in.</p>

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<p>Toss any essay feedback from your parents and peers--says me. Get feedback from CC parents like curmudgeon--or CC student superstars like xiggi and/or Fountain Siren.</p>

<p>Check the Mexican box.</p>

<p>Fill out the Fin Aid forms--nudge your mom into giving you the info. Her unhelpfulness may be directly related to her inability to let you go--or see you go higher than she went. Happens. She'll get over it eventually. She'll still love you but she may always have trouble understanding you. That happens too. </p>

<p>You seem to have a clear vision of yourself. Keep focused on your goals. Visualize yourself at your dream school and don't let anybody tell you it isn't possible. it's always possible--even if you have to work--or take a year or two out to work.</p>

<p>Don't worry so much about the money until it's really time to worry about the money.</p>

<p>Good luck. One way or another, you are going to be somewhere else next September.</p>

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<p>I'm a divorced dad.</p>

<p>When the divorce process actually begins, in spite of handwriting on the walls for years, it's not a time for rational thinking, much less eloquence.</p>

<p>My interpretation of their telling you it's your fault: having children can be stressful. It involves making constant decisions as soon as you're born. Mom and dad, even in the best marriages, rarely will agree on all aspects...for example I was the more lenient, mom stricter, as a general rule. So eventually, as they grow apart, any seemingly minor point (like defining your ethnicity) can blow up into a fight since eventually they can't agree on anything. And since the argument involves you, it's your fault! Of course, in reality imo it's NEVER the child's fault...it has to do with their growing dislike for each other.</p>

<p>Role reversal is apparent in your mature post. I think your application plan is sound...you have a sure thing, safeties, and can assess your options in April. Hoping M and D will be a bit more rational by then, but even that you can't count on.</p>

<p>Best of luck.</p>

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<p>I agree with filling out all the financial aid forms to the best of your ability so the forms can get to the right places before the financial aid deadlines. If you can somehow get your hands on the 2005 tax returns, that would be a good place to start.</p>

<p>Don't blame yourself about anything & get help from Carolyn & other parents on this forum rather than asking your folks who are already stressing to the max.</p>

<p>This too will pass & good luck!</p>

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<p>I'm at my grandfather's apartment right now and trying to submit my Common Application. He speaks NO English, so obviously no help in the editing department. I am pretty happy with my essays, but I am still worried that there is something not right about them. I have 2 alternate essays that I could use (to substitute the 2 that I am using now). Would any parents mind taking a look? I really hate to do this but right now I am kind of desperate.</p>