<p>So... as the app process gets close to the end, my parents are getting crazier and crazier, which is really affecting my emotional state. </p>
<p>First of all, they're really stubborn and expect me to follow all of their advice for essays. Just a half-hour ago, I got into a huge confrontation with my mom over this. Basically, I'm 100% satisfied with my commonapp essay right now and I don't want to change it, especially since multiple teachers (including a Princeton professor) told me it was one of the best they've read. My mom wants me to make some changes that will ruin the flow and point of the essay, and I was really against that. She wanted me to explicitly mention how I love learning and how I read and study a lot, and I can't think of anything worse to put into my essay than that. When I argued against her "advice," she threw a fit and screamed at me saying that the essay is crap and that I'll never be able to get into any college with such a poor essay. I tried my best to control my temper and told her my rationale, but she wouldn't stop screaming. Then, she asked me the point of the essay, and I said "to show who I am." She stormed off without a word and started cursing me out under her breath. </p>
<p>Stuff like this happens almost on a daily basis, and I don't think I can handle it anymore. This whole college app process has showed me what my parents are truly like, and I don't think I can tolerate them any longer. Plus, one of my top choices is in California (I'm an east-coaster), and my parents are pretty much refusing to let me go if I get in because they want me to be close and able to visit often. Hell, based on what I've dealt with for the past few months, I don't think I even want to visit at all let alone frequently. </p>
<p>Do any of you parents have any advice on how to deal with this or any opinions? Thanks in advance.</p>
<p>@djackson222: To be honest, I would actually prefer if they didn’t help me with college apps at all, because I don’t see how doing what they’re doing now is “helping” me in any way…</p>
<p>About the essay: tell them (once, twice, as often as it takes) that you’ve had it positively critiqued by professionals and that you will leave it as is. The argument over which college… well, that’s a tough one. They are paying, they get to have a say. OTOH, if that college is prestigious enough they may just change their mind. Nothing pleases some parents more than being able to say, “Junior? Oh he’s loving school in Palo Alto” </p>
<p>Have they always been this controlling? If not, maybe it’s just a nasty phase they’re going through. Kind of like the terrible two’s. Maybe that’s how they’re dealing with the idea of you leaving home. But if they’ve always been like this… well, my sympathies. Comfort yourself with the idea that this is nothing compared to how they will be when you bring home your finacee for the first time.</p>
<p>This is a high stress time for parents as well as students. Your parents want the best for you but are overreacting in their desire for their pride and joy to be the best. Keep true to yourself- you have to live with your decisions, and would always wonder if you could have gotten in if you submitted what you, not your parents want. Your best bet is to let their words et al slide off you. Listen without comment, let them vent and do what you want to.</p>
<p>You have the advantage- submit the essay versions YOU want to. Apply to the schools YOU wish to. Once the deadlines are past you and your parents need to ignore the college app process. Next spring wil be soon enough to figure out where to go among the schools that accept you.</p>
<p>Hang in there, it will be over soon. You can let them upset you or politely listen and do what you want to. Less stress for you to let them vent but not take it personally. The anger and harsh words are a reflection of their worries.</p>
<p>There is a reason grown children need to leave the nest.</p>
<p>Cross posted. Loss of control may be a major issue for your parents. You have the ultimate control over your life. Listen to their advice and do what you feel is best. Do not try to discuss why you are right, they are wrong to avoid more conflict. What they don’t know won’t hurt…approach.</p>
<p>Stand your ground!! Your mother is mistaken in her ideas, even though she means well.</p>
<p>As a mom whose son was accepted ED a few weeks ago, partly I think on the strength of his essays…(unique, very much about him… nothing at all about ‘loving to study’! LOL) I’ve got to say that your instincts ‘to show who you are’ in the essay are exactly right. Putting in anything that sounds like you are just trying to say what you think the adcoms want to hear (how your mother’s ‘suggestions’ come across) would be a huge mistake and turn off to the adcoms IMO.</p>
<p>@kat: I told my parents that my teachers love my essays, but they think that the teachers are just giving me praise to make me feel good. Too bad they’re too stubborn to understand that these are AP teachers and some of the hardest in the school. The school I want to go to is pretty prestigious (top 30 on US News and top 15 on Times Higher Ed), but my parents are obsessed with prestige and rank so they’d probably force me to go to a slightly higher ranked school if I get in. They’ve always been like this, although to a lesser degree. </p>
<p>@wis: The thing is, if I don’t follow their advice and end up getting rejected everywhere (which is very possible), they’ll blame it all on me for not listening to them when it could have been a variety of factors that led to the end result. </p>
<p>@wellhello: Yeah that’s the mindset I’m using when writing my essays. I just want to be myself, but my parents want me to be the person adcoms “want” to see T_T</p>
<p>submit the essay that you are happy with- and the sooner the better. You have already received positive feedback from adults who actually KNOW if it is a great essay. Once you have hit the “apply” button it will be a fait accompli, and your parents will hopefully stop freaking out. Finish and submit your application asap . You all will have until April to see where you actually will be accepted.</p>
<p>I feel for you. I really do. I have had a few screaming and storming out fits with my son. Actually, at first I was afraid you might be him. Understand that your parents want the best for you… really. This college application process is incredibly stressful for everbody. As parents, we feel the need to protect you and guide you. Sometimes, we have trouble letting go.</p>
<p>You sound like you put a lot of thought into your essay and have done a good job of having it reviewed. Thank your mom, then submit the essay that you feel expresses you. Give your mom a hug and thank her for her help. (Really!) Try to put yourself in her shoes and understand that she means well…</p>
<p>Not a parent, but I happened to run across your thread: why not create two different versions of the common app essays, one according to what your parents prefer and another based on how you genuinely write, and then use the two versions for different schools? That way if there is some problem with one essay, you’ll at least be saved by the other one. You never know, maybe your parents are right and there is something wrong with your current draft. </p>
<p>From a student’s point of view, I think after a certain age, you have to start establishing boundaries on how much your parents can intervene on your academic and personal life. It’s a process of building mutual trust and independence. My parents know me enough to not ask to see an application essay unless I show it to them, just as they would not ask for grades or similar topics. Even though navigating college admission can be a journey for the entire family, the essay is the part that is reserved for the applicant alone. It is disrespectful, as well as inappropriate, for a parent to overly trample that which is intended to be a private, personal statement, especially if you’ve poured your heart and feelings into that piece of writing. </p>
<p>One way to prevent anyone from forcing advice on you is to put in the time to become an expert on whatever you’re doing. After that, smile and nod.</p>
<p>If your mother had demonstrated literary skills beyond belief, I would consider her suggestion… I became very popular as an essay-reader with DD1’s friends mostly because of my writing / proofreading ability. Given her subsequent behavior, however, I would imagine literary prowess is not exactly Mom’s skill, so I would pass on the suggestion and find a way around it…</p>
<p>I can’t help but wonder if there are deeper issues at play here, college choice being one, and overall insecurity the other. Try to alleviate some of Mom’s fears and things may smooth out a bit.</p>
<p>Judging by the conversations I’ve had with a post-college roommate who did work-study at his elite college’s admissions office(Tufts), the adcom at my own college(Oberlin), and a few acquaintances who worked as adcoms at a few Ivies(Harvard, UPenn, Columbia, etc), your instincts are correct. </p>
<p>One guaranteed way to turn off an adcom at such schools is to “mention how I love learning and how I read and study a lot”. Not only has this been overdone by far too many other applicants in their experiences, it’s a bit redundant as every adcom I’ve met wants to think they’re attracting applicants who “love learning” and “read and study a lot” WHEN IT IS APPROPRIATE. Following those quoted suggestions will practically guarantee your application ends up in the reject pile unless your grades are extremely tippy-top AND you have a noteworthy achievement/EC beyond just academics. </p>
<p>Worse, explicitly mentioning the latter quote in an admissions essay could inadvertently telegraph to the adcom that you’re a “grinder student” who has great work ethic, but may not have sufficient social skills or intelligence to have a reasonable study/work/social life balance on their campus. </p>
<p>Most of these colleges DON’T WANT students who will shut-ins keeping to themselves studying anytime they’re not going to class, eating, working, and sleeping. </p>
<p>You need to be more careful about this stereotype if you happen to be Asian/Asian-American as the “grinder student” stereotype has been commonly associated with Asians/Asian-Americans among some elite college adcoms…to the point that it has generated some controversy in higher-ed circles in the recent past. </p>
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<p>This behavior is also common among parents who never attended college and are going overboard in what they imagine adcoms want or immigrant parents from societies where college admissions is mostly/solely determined by “the love of learning” and “studying a lot” such as Central/Eastern Europe or East/South Asia.</p>
<p>I think you understand the purpose of the essay more than your parents. It sounds like you received some good input and advice when you created your essays. Somehow you need to convince your parents that you know what you are doing.</p>
<p>There is a great thread here in the Parents Forum, with the title “Smile and nod”. You might track it down, and read it for ideas on coping strategies.</p>
<p>Since you are already admitted at one of the great public universities, I’d suggest asking your mom why she is so worried about the other applications. Is it that Rutgers is more expensive for your family than the other places would be?</p>
<p>Instead of outright denying that you’ll include her inputs, why not be vague and say that you’re considering her ideas…smile, nod, move on…then submit what you want. I wouldn’t argue with her. You might as well learn now how to deal with parents, in-laws, friends, etc, that are going to demand that you do things “their way”. </p>
<p>Will she see what you actually submit? If there’s a way to prevent that, do it.</p>
<p>*I’m already in at my safety (Rutgers) so getting into college isn’t an issue *</p>
<p>If that’s your only safety and your parents would consider attending there a “let down” if you’re denied at your other schools, then you need to add some matches and another safety.</p>
<p>@turbo: My mom’s quite the opposite; English isn’t her native language so her skill and knowledge in writing is marginal at best. </p>
<p>@happymomof1: Nah, cost isn’t a problem. My parents are obsessed with prestige so the only good schools to them are the ones in the top 30 + NYU. </p>
<p>@mom2collegekids: The problem is, my parents will be reading over everything before I submit.</p>
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Understand that your parents want the best for you… really. This college application process is incredibly stressful for everbody. As parents, we feel the need to protect you and guide you. Sometimes, we have trouble letting go.</p>