Clingy/overly sentimental parents

Parents Forum
1

<p>So, where exactly to start... this will probably turn into a disorganized rant. </p>

<pre><code> I'm a second-semester HS senior, and my parents (particularly my mother) are very emotional, clingy (for want of a less bitter word) people. They expect my busy 25 year old brother who lives 6 hours away to call them at LEAST once every weekday- but it usually works out to more like 2 or 3 times in the few hours between the time he gets off of work and the time my parents go to sleep, and this last Saturday, for example, he called 6 (SIX!) times and they called 3 times, getting frantic when he didn't answer once. that's got to set a record somewhere o_O). At the beginning of this year, I came home and my parents were on the couch sobbing because he had been going through a "phase" where he only called once or twice a week (that certainly didn't last long). It's like they have to know where he is at all times of the day or they can't function. My mom once called him at four in the morning on a work day because she "just needed to hear his voice" (sure, it was a Hallmark-worthy gesture, but let's be reasonable here). When we dropped him off at college, my mom literally (literally) had to be dragged away from him kicking and screaming bloody murder on the floor - for such an introvert, did she ever make a scene. You'd think she'd been stabbed.

Anyway, my parents are already getting emotional about me leaving this fall. Every time they hang up with my brother, they remind me sternly about "how much worse it will be" when I leave, since I'm the youngest and perhaps because I was adopted under rather bizarre circumstances. A few nights ago at dinner, for example, I said the word "college" and my mother became hysterical and left the room and my dad promptly followed suit - and that sort of thing has happened several times over the last couple of months, almost like a Pavlovian response. My eighteenth birthday a few days ago was a miserable, wretched day because they were busy having the longest, most melodramatic, pitiful breakdown I've ever seen two adults have. Sometimes I feel like I'm living in a theater!

The thing is that I just don't know if I could tolerate having to talk to them several times a day once I leave. Don't get me wrong, they're great people. But I hate talking on the phone, and besides that, I feel like my parents don't need to know about every last aspect of my personal life. I'd feel different if my brother had just gone to college and my parents were expecting him to call and keep in touch- but he's been out of the house for seven years. I'm trying to be proactive because I don't want to hurt them. I just want to know if I'm being unreasonable, and how I can help my parents prepare for me leaving. I hope I don't sound insensitive - I'm just confused and I feel sorry for my parents, who are (apparently) suffering.

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<p>PS: In the middle of writing this post, my mom came in the room and handed me a piece of junk mail from some college in Kentucky that has shamelessly killed an entire rainforest somewhere soliciting my application, and she teared up and stormed out suddenly. I just don't know what to do anymore. I won't enjoy college if I'm constantly worrying about my parents... Maybe I should just go to the community college a few blocks from my house.</p>

2

<p>You post made me sad and laugh both. All I can say is that of course you have to live your life- wherever that may take you. However…please appreciate your parents, no matter how crazy they seem to you. Call them and be there for them. Remember, they won’t be around forever and one day you’ll miss them.</p>

3

<p>Don’t let your parents ruin your future. They sound like they are being really selfish and self-absorbed and not thinking about whats best for you at all, which is a shame. They will get over it. Its important for you to go away to school and learn to be independent. Just focus on yourself and do what you need to do. Perhaps talk to your guidance counselor at school and ask them to talk to your parents? Their reaction seems pretty extreme and unhealthy, there may be other underlying issues that are bothering them more. Best of luck!</p>

4

<p>I’m sorry you’re having to go through this. From your description you’re not being unreasonable at all. Your parents are over the top on this and they need to be less selfish about forcing their own anxieties on you. </p>

<p>I think you need to go away to college and not commute from home if possible. If there was a way to convince them to do it, your parents should go see a therapist to figure out why they have such insecuities and why they’re forcing them on their kids.</p>

<p>When you do go away to college you shouldn’t let your parents to bully you into calling them several times/day and you need to allow some of their calls to go to voice mail and not instantly answer. You’ll need to condition their expectations. Your brother calling ‘them’ up to 6 times in a day is downright weird unless it’s some practical unusual event. If he’s calling them then he either must want to or he has no backbone to stand up to them. On the conditioning - if you go away to school and they’re too invasive, wean them off by reducing the contact. Maybe they can learn to be satisfied with a daily (at first) to every few days contact by IM, email, FB, etc. with a call once a week or so if and when it’s convenient for ‘you’. </p>

<p>Again, IMO they’re acting very insecure and selfish and you need to not play into it. I think they need counseling help.</p>

5

<p>Definitely do not go to community college. You need to pursue your life. I’ve never heard of this type of behavior from parents. Could this be a cultural response? If not, than I’d start thinking about whether or not this behavior was manipulative and controlling. Only you can answer that, but I think you should give it some thought.</p>

6

<p>Please, please find a copy of “Toxic Parents” by Susan Forward (available on amazon). She really helps people understand how to establish boundaries and how to NOT get drug into the tsunami waves of other people’s needs. </p>

<p>It may be helpful to get them information on how frequently most college freshmen contact home. </p>

<p>Lastly, I hope you will be very careful in your thinking. Some kids literally never leave home. One day they wake up and they are 60 and still living at home with mom and dad (who are 90 and going strong with all that live in maid service) and the poor “kid” realizes that they never did have a life. Don’t kid yourself. It happens.</p>

7

<p>I’m brainstorming a bit here as dealing with underlying causes can be helpful; Are your parents from another country? Do their friends expect the same from their children? Have they lost a child (& I apologize for the personal nature of that question)? Is there any trauma that you can think of that might also be at work here? Do either of your parents have depression and/or anxiety issues?</p>

<p>Knowing what is driving even part of this behavior can be very helpful in crafting your approach to your future relationship with your parents.</p>

8

<p>I think it’s very astute to bring up the cultural element. I come from a culture where family is EVERYTHING…calling your mother everyday is a given, in fact not doing so seems ‘wierd’. lol. I’ve been able to bridge two cultures, but it’s hard. If this is a cultural issue, OP has to respect the ‘old beliefs’ and resolve to live her life with her children differently.</p>

9

<p>No, my parents (and their parents/ parents’ parents) are from this country - I don’t think culture plays a part here. The one traumatizing event that I can think of is my dad’s loss of his own father in a car wreck. That was 26 years ago, but maybe it’s a reason for them to have to keep tabs on everybody constantly.</p>

10

<p>It’s normal for parents to be upset and even clingy when their kids go off to school. They worry about what you’re doing and want to know you are safe. it’s important though for the child to set clear and firm boundaries. Be considerate. Call them once a day, at least at first. If they freak out, explain that you can’t call them every day because of your busy class schedule and you need to study (all will be true). Be calm, be respectful, but be clear. You have to establish boundaries, or else your parents will run all over you. Sounds like your brother doesn’t, or he tried to, but couldn’t stick with it.</p>

11

<p>I really think that you need to ask for the family (you, mom, dad) go to a family counselor. I think an independent 3rd party professional is needed.</p>

<p>I first I didn’t believe the story, but I think you are telling the truth.</p>

<p>BTW…where have you applied to college.</p>

<p>(definitely go away to college!)</p>

12

<p>It seems your parents (your mother in particular) have some mental health issues. But their issues must not control your life. Going to a local college will only feed their neurotic behavior and cripple your own personal development. Go away, tell your parents that you will call them several times a week and update them via email if anything of importance occurs in your life. Let their frantic calls go to voicemail, and when you do call and are bombarded with hysteria and attempts at making you feel guilty, don’t apologize, just respond with your previously announced communication plan–and then stick to it. They will adjust. Otherwise, you will be you leading you brother’s nutty life in a few years, and I don’t think you want that. You are not responsible for their happiness. Keep repeating that. Now go blossom!</p>

13

<p>Oh, definitely go away to school if that’s what you want to do.</p>

<p>Agreed on seeing a therapist. I think their clinginess does have to do with the death of your grandfather. </p>

<p>Best of luck!</p>

14

<p><em>sigh</em> No, I’m not lying. I have very low tolerance for ■■■■■■ and I think it would be discourteous and manipulative to lie on this type of forum where people are really seeking advice. I really don’t know what else to say about that… If you don’t believe me, I can’t make you. It’s just a very frustrating situation. </p>

<p>And I applied to UT-Austin (and got accepted today into an honors program there), Florida, and a smaller private college in San Antonio</p>

15

<p>I agree with MommaJ, KLP224, and UCSDdad…, mom2collegekids and probably others on this board.</p>

<p>Your parents behavior is disturbing. They need to get counseling. Talk to your GC and see if your GC will talk to your parents and encourage them to get help. Do not let your parents’ behavior cause you to end up like your brother. Regardless of the reason, your parents are overly controlling, unreasonable, and manipulative.</p>

16

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<p>Do you think your parents are deriving some sort of perverse satisfaction from this over the top behavior? I don’t mean to insult, just wondering. Do you think this behavior comes from deep seated trauma or mental illness, or is it melodrama for the sake of it? I can’t quite tell from your post whether you are putting your best face on it by being a little ironic in tone, or whether your parents are really suffering. Certainly, YOU are suffering. </p>

<p>Definitely go to college some distance away. Do your parents have a lot of free time? I wonder if you might get them interested in a cause or activity, like amateur theater or the local animal shelter? Somewhere where they can indulge in this sentimental (as you call it) behavior.</p>

17

<p>Honestly, my parents are reasonable, cooperative people when they aren’t being crazy, both well-respect high school teachers… I don’t really think either one of them is necessarily “mentally ill…” Maybe they are just emotionally unstable… And, maybe it’s worth mentioning that they don’t believe in therapy - I was horribly depressed for several years, but they refused to let me see a shrink (for several reasons - they really did think they were doing what was best, though)…</p>

18

<p>You asked our advice, and several of us are saying that your parents seem mentally ill and/or manipulative, overly controlling and otherwise problematic. </p>

<p>Many people with mental illnesses or character disorders are reasonable and cooperative people when things are going their way or when they aren’t ill. </p>

<p>Just because your parents don’t believe in therapy doesn’t mean you need to share their beliefs.</p>

<p>I think that someone mentioned a book that might be of help. I suggest that you read it.</p>

19

<p>I am requoting your Opening Post to highlight exactly what kind of help was requested of parents here: </p>

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<p>My thought is: to find what is reasonable, compare some of the many prior threads on this forum about “my kids are leaving for college” or “empty nest” (use Search This Thread function on both Parents Forum and Parents Cafe; play around with key words; ask for results in Threads, not Posts). </p>

<p>You will read about a wide range of reactions posted by other parents. You might draw some of your own conclusions about your where your folks fall on a spectrum.</p>

<p>You might also see how other parents prepared themselves for their kids’ leaving, and how they felt in the aftermath. My hunch is yours will not take all the steps other parents took to recover, but it might be informative just to read about it.</p>

<p>I’m just encouraging you to use this site as a research resource. </p>

<p>Good luck and best wishes. PS, Congrats on your latest acceptance today! That must feel GREAT.</p>

20

<p>I remember D2’s roommate freshman year and their move-in. Her roommate was from the same town (about 15 minutes from campus), and had an older brother (who had already gone off to college a couple of hours away) and a younger sister still at home. The mother was a basket case and I couldn’t help wondering if this girl had chosen a school so close to home because she knew her mom would be devastated if she went any further. The mother talked about not knowing what to do without her daughter around all the time. This girl went home every weekend (and they knew this would happen when she moved in because she had a job on the weekends), so she basically lived at home, and on campus. The mother even joked that she might have to pop onto campus from time to time to check up on her D. I feel sooo bad for them, and knew instantly it was all about her and not her daughter’s experience in college. Please, please negotiate some appropriate boundaries with your parents. You might even start to joke about it now so they have some time to get used to your needs.</p>