college essay/ Please HELP

Applying to College
1

<p>Sorry I know that this isn't encouraged on CC but I really am stuck and need help. I read the topic on the top about someone plagerizing posted essay's but I doubt anyone could get into college with the essay I'm posting. Anyway I wrote my essay but couldn't get across my personality and character in it. I'm just wondering where I could add some creativity and if I should add more emotion to it. I also wasn't sure if my opening sentence was good as to bring the reader in or if it is to crude to submit to a college.</p>

<p>The Essay prompt for my essay was along the lines of: describe a risk you have taken or dilemna you have faced which has ended up improving you as a person. </p>

<p>My essay : </p>

<p>Chink, spick, kike, nigger; these are words that when mentioned can incite the most apathetic people to become attentive and concerned. Sadly, much of the time their conscience is quelled out of fear of the consequences. I often find myself in that same predicament. I certainly sat through numerous history and religious school classes learning the wrongs of prejudice, but did I really posses the courage and confidence it took to battle against the prejudices that I would encounter in the future? I was disappointed in myself and my unwillingness to act on my conscience. However in no more than a fleeting moment I was to transition from a passive teenager to a pro active and supportive citizen. I am proud to say that I crossed the threshold which kept me from taking a stance.
It all began on my way out of Rico’s taco shop. As I walked to my car I quickly noticed the scrawny boy across the street, a member of my temple. Truthfully, I found him to be an arrogant and immature teenager but what really grabbed my attention was the guys I saw next to him. I recognized one of them, an old friend from junior high school. However, he had changed drastically since then, sporting a shaved head, a confederate flag belt, and an iron cross shirt. It quickly became apparent that they weren’t there to have a nice conversation with the underfed Jewish boy. Before long, the skinheads began to harass him. I immediately reacted as neurons fired inside my brain. I confronted them and with no more than a few heated words thrown around, they went on their way. At first I was just relieved that I didn’t get my face smashed in but then my realization became much deeper. I was able to take a risk and improve a situation by using action. Man, did I feel like a million bucks. Not only had I helped a fellow teenager escape further harassment but I had finally faced up to the bigotry I had loathed for so long.<br>
Looking back on the incident, I see it as a lesson which could only be experienced through risk and willpower, not found in the classroom or in history documentaries. As a result of not letting my petty concerns get in my way, I have now become a person with much more positive influence and principles.</p>

<p>Also I was thinking about doing another essay on how my Uncle has changed Me for the better. I thought I could start it off by listing famous mentors from the past like Socrates to Plato and then saying thats what my Uncle has done for me. I figure I could probably be more personal with this essay. Would it be better to do this than an essay like the one above?</p>

<p>Thanks in Advance</p>

2

<p>way too controversial, dude, id be maddd offended</p>

3

<p>Uhh... try not to use such words yourself when describing others "skinheads". Just not a good idea in a college essay. I'm not sure that it is a good topic to discuss in an essay. I also feel that the style is a bit too loose-ex. "Man, did I feel like a million bucks". Try to tighten up your writing a bit. Also the sentence about how you have loathed bigotry for a long time isn't backed up much. I'm not saying that it isn't true, just that it may be a good idea to give an example of something that has happened to you before this specific situation that gives a clearer example of your feelings. I hope that made some degree of sense.</p>

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<p>Thanks for the input. Do you guys think I should go with my second idea for my essay with my uncle.</p>

5

<p>Can't anyone please respond, I'm still debating whether to start over with a different topic or just change this essay around. I would just like some more advice.</p>

<p>PLEASE HELP, I DONT HAVE MUCH LONGER BEFORE I HAVE TO SUBMIT IT.</p>

<p>Thanks</p>

6

<p>bump. Please someone give me some opinions here.</p>

7

<p>You seem to be lacking a clear focus--and while i understand the ethnic/religious undertone... you seem to be labeling others in your essay. In fact, I was bored at the "I often find myself...". Avoid cliches and make your language sound like yourself. Not like an old man looking back into the scrap book. It sounds a bit like that--especially when you refer to the other kid as a teenager (disregarding your age). Your reflection of the passage of time shouldn'tbe one that makes you older or wiser--but where even a short passing of time makes a great change.</p>

<p>Like someone said before, tighten up the language, avoid cliches. Controversy is okay if handled correctly. I don't see how this "Chink, spick, kike, nigger" is even necessary unless it's as you say, to be an attention grabber. There's no need to generalize your experience into the thousands of experiences of other races--but keep it personal.</p>

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<p>hey arsenalultra u ought to take this essay topic only and try to make it better.for starters i personally feel u shudnt use the words-chink,spick,kike or nigger. agree, it grabs attention but then the person reading ur essay might be offended.instead of man did a feel a million bucks.. do u think u cud frame it as "the incident really changed me and i felt good from the inside" or something like dat.i like the flow of ideas in ur essay... just tweak it a bit and u shud b good to go..</p>

9

<p>arsenal... ur first line is without a doubt eye-cathcing but i feel u ought to change it.. way to controversial..
ur essay is focused and has a good flow of ideas.. u know wht u want.. only getting there is a prob..
just vary ur language and try to use better phrases/vocab and ull b good..</p>

<p>PS:just for my info.. whr r u apllying??</p>