<p>As an American (and a feminist) happily married for 25 years to someone from India, I think the OP needs to tread carefully here. Hyeonjlee is right that there is no excuse for treating people badly-no matter what the culture-but it is hard to judge from outside sometime and certainly, if someone showed up for the first time at my home as a guest and proceeded to attack my parents’ behavior, I’m initially unlikely to be anything but defensive, whatever the merits of the observation. I also don’t think bringing up stereotypes of what cross-cultural relationships are ‘typically’ like is very constructive here. All cultures, including US culture, were terribly sexist for a very long time so pointing to widow-burning, foot-binding, etc…as indicative of anything is pointless in this context.</p>
<p>Yes, servants are often treated badly-and often they are thrilled to have that job because the alternatives are worse, which is why they don’t quit. That doesn’t justify inhumane treatment, but are you really in a position to judge? A driver sitting in a car all day? A doorman? Not bad work for someone with no other skills. We have those people in our country too. </p>
<p>My spouse has spent his entire career trying to fight poverty at a global level and would never be less than respectful to anyone, irrespective of the work they do. But I’m not sure when he first arrived in the US that he would have recognized that the way his family treated servants would be viewed poorly here. When I visited and worked in India, I would bring my observations to him and he would both explain to me what I’d seen and then ‘resee’ his world through my eyes. We both learned a lot and we both changed. </p>
<p>After 25 years, kids, and his parents residing with us, I can say that my life has been richer, more intellectually and emotionally interesting, and more exciting than if I’d married within my own culture. Social justice is an important family value that we share. As is reserving judgment of others, avoiding destructive stereotypes, and giving the people we care about the space to learn and change. </p>
<p>Good luck in your relationship, OP.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>On the other hand, a friend of mine from Bangladesh has described to me the independence and pride gained by poor women and girls working as seamstresses there is what we would probably consider sweatshop conditions.</p>
<p>^^^ what might look like exploitation to some is a job opportunity for others – and I think it is especially hard to assess for other cultures? – yet others would argue there are universal human rights and it is not hard to assess at all.</p>
<p>I’m not clear as to how the servants are being mistreated? Is the family rude to them, do they not provide the going rate? Or is it just unfamiliar?</p>
<p>I don’t see how that’s different than in the US, except than in India, it is not confined to the very, very rich by U.S. standards.</p>
<p>Chauffeurs and limo drivers have to wait in the car while you shop or spend hours at prom or your wedding reception. Doormen in NYC have to wait outside in the summer heat all day. As long as they’re being paid fairly (and it sounds like by regional standards they are) and not being mistreated, verbally or physically, or asked to do things outside of their job description… well, what’s the problem? It’s a job, it has its faults, but it’s not like they aren’t choosing to do it and getting paid to do it.</p>
<p>I think it’s just culture shock you’re experiencing.</p>
<p>But that’s what a chauffeur would do over here, too. Cerainly one can hire a limo or taxi driver to do that. Is that really mistreatment, or just something that is unfamiliar?</p>
<p>I’ve known people who grew up in South American countries where they had servants who made their beds, fetched them clothing, etc. Far beyond what a housekeeper might do here. That’s unfamiliar to my Amwrican ways but I’m not sure u can call it mistreatment in the absence of other info.</p>
<p>I agree that mistreatment goes beyond having someone who does a menial job at the local pay scale–for example, being contemptuous of them, constantly screaming, etc. </p>
<p>I do not agree, however, with the assumption that these people have “no other skills”–how would anyone know who has not spoken to them? They might be very smart and hard working, but have “no other opportunities” rather than “no other skills.” </p>
<p>I also would not excuse sexist actions in other countries by implicitly equating them with past or present American sexism–widow burning, stoning adulterers, etc goes well beyond American sexism.</p>
<p>Yes, we should seek to understand other cultures rather than reflexively passing judgment, but we should also, once we have that understanding, not be afraid to criticize other cultures. Just as many Europeans criticize America’s costly healthcare system and South Africa was criticized for apartheid, Americans should speak up when they conclude a practice is unjust.</p>
<p>I suspect that the OP has a good sense that there’s something about the way these people are being treated that goes beyond simply beyond being required to rate. There’s something that really makes her uncomfortable. I think she should tune into that, not dismiss it.</p>
<p>Very interesting thread.<br>
One thing I would suggest to the OP or anyone else who "…can’t just accept it and move on… "
I would strongly (emphasis on strongly) encourage you to live in the culture for at least 6 months before you “do something about it”. It’s a good idea to get the feel for the area before you start trying to change the social system of a country where you are a guest. </p>
<p>Sure, there should be fair labor laws, in fact, several developing countries are now where the US and other developed countries were 50-100 years ago. It’s interesting to see how more developed countries think that all other nations should automatically follow their lead in human rights, forgetting that it was a process that had to evolve in their own country. </p>
<p>Anecdote from the expat point of view:
I was shell shocked the first time I lived overseas, in an area where house help was common. (In fact, it would have been rude for us to not support the local economy by doing our own housework and driving.) I couldn’t get over the fact that my housekeeper was thrilled to be doing my laundry, grocery shopping and sweeping-- for 100 dollars a month. It seemed to me like that was almost slave wages. The data point is-- she made more than teachers or secretaries in that town, and housekeeping was a very lucrative job. To be honest, the nationals thought we overpaid her, and we may have made a faux paus by paying her so much when professional jobs requiring a lot of education paid so much less than we did.</p>
<p>FWIW- I guarantee that the doorman and the driver are thrilled to have jobs right now. The alternative to a job that requires sitting in the heat all day, is most likely sitting in the same heat at his home, but with no income.</p>
<p>Also, I hope that ‘the White Tiger’ is not indicative of how everyone in India treats their staff. That book made me very sad.</p>
<p>Endicott: Something is probably making her feel uncomfortable, and that is most likely being out of her comfort zone. The Op doesn’t say if she is well traveled or not. It is not to say that she is not seeing things that are inappropriate to her eyes; and not understanding the language she certainly has no way of knowing if people are being spoken to harshly. What she needs to tune into is her ability or lack of ability to learn another culture, to stand within it before judging it. There doesn’t sound like there is outright mistreatment of people going on (which can happen).
Skywriter has said it best.
“After 25 years, kids, and his parents residing with us, I can say that my life has been richer, more intellectually and emotionally interesting, and more exciting than if I’d married within my own culture. Social justice is an important family value that we share. As is reserving judgment of others, avoiding destructive stereotypes, and giving the people we care about the space to learn and change.”</p>
<p>The OP needs to step back and watch and listen and learn.</p>
<p>OP -</p>
<p>When you get back to the US, pick up a copy of “The Art of Crossing Cultures” by Craig Storti. This is one of the easiest reads on the issue of Culture Shock. It is also the only basic text on that subject that presents a specific, functional, methodology for working your way through cultural issues. </p>
<p>Wishing you all the best.</p>