<p>I originally posted this on the parents' forum, but I also want opinions from people my age, especially people from India..</p>
<p>I am dating a guy from India - we met at college in the US and hit it off immediately, and now we're in a serious long-term relationship.</p>
<p>This is the first time I've visited him in India [I am in India as I type] and I am appalled to see the way servants are treated around here. For those who are unfamiliar with the Indian servant culture, pretty much every middle to upper class family has a servant, a driver [chaffeur], etc.</p>
<p>The thing is, India's job market is so bad that these servants are basically trapped in these jobs, and could probably not get a different job if they quit the one they have. So basically the family can treat them however they want.. so it is customary to have your driver sit in the parking lot for hours on end while you go to the mall, have a doorman who literally spends the whole day sitting outside the door in the blistering Indian heat, etc.</p>
<p>This is normal to them [including my boyfriend], but I find it appalling. I know I have no right to judge them on their culture, but I just can't understand how you could treat another human being that way. We had a big fight about this yesterday - I told him he should treat his servants like human beings, but he thinks that the servants aren't treated that well, but that he is powerless to do anything about it.. even with regard to his own servants. He feels that it would be an offense to his parents if he were to try to change his behavior, so he just goes along with the system. His argument is that the system will change slowly from generation to generation, and that's enough for him.. but it isn't for me..</p>
<p>What do I do? I can't just accept it and move on, I'm the type of person to go out and do something about it... but how can I make peace with my boyfriend? He's very set in his ways and so am I...</p>
<p>Hi, first let me say I’m not Indian, but I’m Pakistani-American, and have been there a couple times. Well my mom’s family in Pakistan is well-off and they have servants. I also noticed it’s more acceptable in their culture to treat the “lower caste” a certain way. </p>
<p>Your boyfriend is only accountable for his behavior and not his family’s, please remember that. Does he treat the help like crap like the rest of his family, or is it just them? He is not powerless with regard to his own behavior. Yes South Asian culture places a high value on respecting and obeying parents, but I doubt they would get offended over him not treating their servants like crap. The servants are paid for by his parents, but why would they get upset over their son having manners?</p>
<p>You also have to realize the servants are probably accustomed to it and that’s why they don’t make a big deal over it, it’s not weird to them. My mom’s cousin would treat the nanny like crap (she was in her late teens) and the girl would just take it. I never ever felt so awkward in my life as when I was around these people.</p>
<p>Well at least they are providing jobs to the servants, some people have it even worse. If your bf moves to the US then that won’t be a problem you need to deal with. But if you move to India, then you have to learn to live with it</p>
<p>stargazerlilies: I am trying only to judge him and not his family. He does treat servants with some amount of respect, not as bad as the older generations… but he still doesn’t do anything about the crappy jobs they have. He will have his driver wait on him for hours, he doesn’t invite the doorman in for a drink, etc. </p>
<p>StevenSeagal: Even if he moves to the US, if we stay together we would be visiting India a decent amount. And I don’t want to close myself off to the idea of living abroad with him… it’s a sacrifice I would be willing to make for our relationship… but living in this caste-like system would drive me crazy…</p>
<p>Hi, I am an Indian myself and contrary to the opinions on this post that is not exactly how India is. The scenario that you are talking about; well that’s the way of life isn’t it? The job of the doorman is to stand outside and keep watch. What’s the point in taking pity on him to bring him inside. I agree, there are many people in India who treat their servants like s<strong><em>, but can’t you say that for your country too? I’m sure there are rich people in your country, for that matter every country who act like they are God’s gifts to the earth and treat everyone like s</em></strong>. I know people in US who treat their servants like dogs and their dogs like their kids.</p>
<p>People like that are everywhere and it is your bad luck that your boyfriend’s people are that kind. There is nothing that you can do but put up with it.</p>
<p>I understand where you’re coming from. But it’s not the case in every family. Some families are especially crude to their servants/helpers/drivers while others are much kinder. That’s the mindset that they grew up around. I mean did you expect to go India and expect everything to be the same as the U.S.? That’s called culture shock. In your opinion it’s wrong to treat any human being as sub-human and I would agree with you but you have to understand that for some cultures old habits die hard. There’s not much you or your bf are gonna change about that.</p>
<p>My close family who still lives in India hires people to help around the house. But they treat them like human beings. In some cases, they are even friends to the family members.</p>
<p>The servants are only there because that’s the only means with which they know how to make a living. They’re trying to move up the ranks just like everyone else in India.</p>
<p>Also if you think about it, Indians don’t treat their servants any worse than American homeowners who hire illegal immigrants and exploit them out of fair pay and fair treatment because of their immigration status.</p>
<p>Sure, people treat others like crap all over the globe. But based on what I saw in south asia, it’s more socially acceptable there. Not that all Indian people treat their servants like crap.</p>
<p>Just put up with it for now, but do you still think your boyfriend is a good person? If so, I guess there’s nothing you should be too worried about. Has this experience made you think less of him? He’s only responsible for his own behavior. Based on some of the stuff I saw in pakistan, your boyfriend doesn’t sound too bad.</p>
<p>i’m kind of confused with the whole thing about the doorman and drivers. i mean, as far as i know the doorman at my friend’s apartment in nyc just stands at the door and lets people in/takes their bags and its his job to just stand there all night, and he does, and i dont think the residents do anything except say thanks? and don’t chauffers here have to drive their employers around and be on call for when they need the car?
would you mind clarifying how your bf’s family’s treatment of their doormen/drivers is especially crude?</p>
<p>anyway, i mean…i don’t really understand what exactly you want your bf to do. like are there specific things that you think he as an individual could do to make you more comfortable with the situation? if so, then you should explain that.
if his parents are strict and traditional he’s probably not going to confront them about it. you should try to understand that he’d be completely disregarding the social norms, which is a difficult thing for anyone to do, and if he is making any effort to do so by being nicer to his family’s servants than his parents are then thats a pretty good step in the right direction. you can’t really expect him to revolutionize the way an entire population treats a certain social class…</p>
<p>really, idk, i mean the job of a driver is to drive the family around and the job of the doorman is to watch the door. if these people are being paid decently and are willing to do the job, then its probably the best work they can get. if they could get a better job they would, but they can’t, so they’re stuck with it but i’m pretty sure they recognize that it’s better than being unemployed. tons of people here have some pretty unpleasant jobs, but its a fact of life, unfortunately, and there’s not much we can do about it</p>
<p>Maea, I think your not accustomed to big city living in general, the same thing would happen in any big city like New York, LA or Chicago, This may sound very cruel but sometimes when you treat the servants too well they do a worse job, they should feel like that they have to try their best because their job is on the line non stop.
Anyways take a deep breath get off of College Discussion and say thank you to the doorman/Chauffeur and breathe the history of India. Have fun!</p>
<p>If they were unwilling thy would be slaves, these servants are obviously getting paid. Whats the difference between that and having an “immigrant” working on my lawn in the hot Arizona heat for $100 a month?</p>
<p>@Hamadeh - I’m American, the landscapers who work in my neighborhood are immigrants. I would never scream at them hysterically, order them about, order them to stand on my porch and guard my house 12 hours a day, be vile with them for not trimming the bushes correctly, etc. I live just outside Manhattan, not a small town. </p>
<p>Not sure what kind of behavior the OP has seen but the stuff I saw was disgusting. The nanny my mom’s cousin hired was like 19, handicapped (she limped) and I’m sure she was illiterate, and the woman would treat her like absolute crap. Well she couldn’t read, what kind of job was she going to get? She would have put up with abuse if it meant room/board. I know Americans often treat the help like garbage, but what’s socially acceptable there is different from here. People openly say and do things to their guests there that would be hushed up here, it’s normal to treat the help like crap because they’re of a lower caste. Sure rich Americans treat lower-class people like crap but we have laws protecting people they don’t have there, they can get away with a lot more unfortunately. And i’m from a well-off area, a lot of people here have servants and I see what goes on.</p>
<p>Not speaking for the OP of course, just my personal experience. I hope the OP enjoys India and doesn’t judge her boyfriend’s family harshly.</p>
<p>“The thing is, India’s job market is so bad that these servants are basically trapped in these jobs, and could probably not get a different job if they quit the one they have.”</p>
<p>That’s the difference. I can’t believe what you are defending…</p>
<p>Potentially, if an American doorman wanted a different job, he has all the tools to obtain it. The same cannot be said for a doorman in India…</p>
<p>I’m glad we are agreeing this time, Stargazerlillies :)</p>
<p>I live write outside of Manhattan as well. I’ve also been to India and seen the behavior the OP has described. It’s really the same between the two places, some people are just not exposed to it in America. It all really boils down to the employer. I know a lot of housekeeping employees of my family in India are treated as family members.</p>