College with a baby

Parents Forum
181

<p>I wanted to congratulate the OP and her D on being wonderful parents!</p>

<p>I did my undergrad as a single mom (in a Catholic college, BTW). I lived at home, and my mom watched my son while I was at school and work. Having my son was the most difficult thing I have ever done. It is also the best thing I have ever done. Before I had him, I was not on track - for anything. When I got pregnant, I realized I had to grow up. It wasn't always smooth sailing, but he's a terrific 11 year old now. I appreciate so much the sacrifices my parents made for me to help us out. Without that college degree, I could not have given my son the life he deserves.</p>

<p>The Catholic colleges are a good option for the reasons given. I would also second the point that a college with possible other non-trad students might be good. It's tough as a single-parent to keep friends. Single parents can't drop everything and go out like the others or have the luxury of being totally self-absorbed. Keep an eye on housing prices in the areas of colleges, of course, but also look at the availability of family housing and campus child care, both of which can balance out a more expensive area. Your D will be a shoo-in at most colleges, so be choosy before she applies. Loyola-Chicago and DePaul are two more Catholic colleges - not as highly ranked as Georgetown, etc., but they both have more non-trad students.</p>

<p>Another option might be Tufts. They have an excellent campus child care program. In my dealing with Tufts in the past, they are really on top of stuff - everything gets processed in a timely matter and they are responsive and helpful. This really matters when you're waiting on a financial aid check to buy baby diapers or something along those lines! (I've had a lot of really bad "waiting-for-the-check" experiences with other colleges.) Tufts is also known for its med school, so there are lots of opportunities for science classes and, if your D really is interested in med school (which so far has been just speculation), the possibility of staying put for another four years is nice when there's kids involved. The downside is that Boston area is expensive, and I'm unsure of alternative campus housing.</p>

<p>UChicago has excellent campus apartments - they're cheap, well-kept, and readily available. But UChicago is a quirky kind of school, and your D would have to be a UChicago type to like it.</p>

<p>Regarding referencing the baby in applications: I think it's a good thing. You're not just trying to find a school that will take your D; you're also trying to find a school that will be willing to work with D. D's stats are good enough that she doesn't exactly have to go begging. Some schools simply aren't set up for single moms (like Wellesley, apparently). Some are welcoming. It's better for all if the adcoms consider that. If the adcom is concerned, well, I figure I should be, too, and it's not the right place for me. An adcom that reads an essay about being a mom and loves it, though, is more likely a school your D will be happy at.</p>

182

<p>"When daughter is ready to narrow down her list of schools, I think some preliminary phone calls to the school could be in order. I'd be truthful and frank right up front and say something like, "My daughter has expressed some interest in your school, based on ___<em>. She has some pretty impressive statistics and is interested in studying chemistry (or whatever the daughter is interested in at that point... in a year it may change). But she has a _</em>-month old child, and she's only interested in putting the effort into applications at school that will truly value her for what she has to offer the school. How do you see your school being able to do that, if her qualifications are within your guidelines for admissions? And by the way, since I will probably be relocating with her to help with child care, any information you can give me about how I might best be able to guide her, would be helpful.""</p>

<p>The D, not her mom should make those calls. This also can be accomplished by the D sending e-mails to admission. She also could ask to be connected with current undergrads who are single parents.</p>

<p>If the mom makes the calls, even schools that are welcoming to single moms may wonder if the D is independent enough to be going to college -- even with her mother in tow.</p>

<p>The college may have concerns that they'd be admitting the D and her mom. By this, I am not referring to the living arrangements, but to the college's fears that if the D enrolled, the mom, not the D, would be attempting to work out with profs and advisors concerns about classes and and similar things.</p>

183

<p>Wilson College has a dormitory for mothers and children. It isn't selective but it delivers, I understand, a selective-style education. There are others. One of the news magazines ran a piece on the welcome mothers with children receive at some of the schools. (I am sorry that I did not read all of the responses received to your query before posting this. My computer seems to be moving slowly today--evidence of a lot of e shopping, perhaps.)</p>

184

<p>More info on Wilson College, which does sound like a good place. One of the things that it would offer that might be hard to find elsewhere would be the chance for your D to develop friendships with other students who have children. </p>

<p>"CHAMBERSBURG, Pa. (ANS) --
At Wilson College, a small Presbyterian women's college, single mothers can qualify for year-round on-campus residential housing for themselves and their children so that the mother can pursue a bachelor's degree full time....</p>

<p>The women live in campus housing especially designed for mothers and their children, including a two-room suite and shared living rooms, playrooms, computer rooms, kitchens and laundry facilities.
This semester there are 11 women in the program, ranging in age from 18 to 34, and 13 children living on campus. Four women are expected to graduate in May, the largest number at one time to date, said Taylor....</p>

<p>Colleges following Wilson's example with similar programs in place or in the works include Bennett College in Greensboro, N.C., College Misericordia in Dallas, Pa., Voorhees in Denmark, S.C., and St. Mary's-of-the-Woods in Indiana."
View</a> Article</p>

185

<p>"Those wanting to know more about facilities and programs for women with children should contact the National Center for Single Mothers and Higher Education, which is located on the campus of Wilson College."</p>

<p>Link to article with more info about colleges with programs:
Places</a> for women and children: an increasing number of colleges and universities are providing facilities to house women with children on campus. | Sector 61--Educational Services from AllBusiness.com</p>

186

<p>More on Wilson and other colleges. From the NY Times. I'm not sure if you need to register with the site to access this, but registration is free.</p>

<p>"Evidence of children is sprinkled throughout the campus of Wilson College. A women’s liberal arts school in south-central Pennsylvania near the West Virginia border, it is home to 400 full-time students, 20 of them mothers. A sign on the baby grand piano in the foyer of an administration building hints at their presence. “Piano Rules,” it reads. “No child under the age of 10 is permitted to play the piano without college permission.” Another sign appears above a ramp leading to an underground passage. “Baby carriages only.” A child’s laughter echoes through the building.</p>

<p>Wilson opened its Women With Children program 10 years ago to accommodate single mothers who wanted to live on campus but didn’t want to leave their children behind. It quickly became a model for other colleges. About a dozen, many with religious roots, offer comprehensive programs that provide residence-hall housing and support systems, like parenting workshops and mentoring.</p>

<p>The programs strive for a communal environment in which single parents can lean on one another for emotional support and baby-sitting. Child care is on or near campus. Through an endowment, Wilson pays all child care expenses. With that taken care of, women have the luxury of learning during the day and spending time with their children at night and on weekends. Since most are single or divorced, and have quit their jobs to attend college full time, they qualify for federal grants and need-based scholarships. But tuition, room and board at a private college is not insignifiant: about $29,000 at Wilson (not including the cost of cafeteria food for children) and $30,000 at College Misericordia in Dallas, Pa., whose program is modeled after Wilson’s and similarly named Women With Children...."
<a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2006/11/05/education/edlife/moms.html?_r=2&pagewanted=1&ref=education&oref=slogin%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://www.nytimes.com/2006/11/05/education/edlife/moms.html?_r=2&pagewanted=1&ref=education&oref=slogin&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

187

<p>Corranged, you claim, "I'm not anti-Catholic in the least." Yet your post was full of misinformation & nasty assumptions.

[quote]
Most of these schools are relatively small or located in isolated areas, and none of them are known for having a large number of commuter students or older students.

[/quote]
This is just plain wrong. As I stated, there are over 200 Catholic college in 40 states that serve all types of students, including adult & non-traditional & commuter.

[quote]
I would worry that she would find herself in a population of students who would judge her negatively for getting pregnant in the first place. Remember that her peers at Catholic colleges are still 18 year old girls who may not yet be beyond petty judgments.

[/quote]
Only Catholic teens are petty?

[quote]
...I do worry about how the other students as a whole would perceive her, whether that's as a drastic outsider, sinner, or charity case.

[/quote]
Gee, no anti-Catholic sentiment there...LOL!
You claim to have "a lot of experience with Catholic colleges and know countless" alums, but you don't seem very up-to-date on the Catholic college network. Read the posts giving specific information about the welcome atmosphere & special programs the Catholic colleges offer unwed moms & then tell me how these schools are uncaring & intolerant. </p>

<p>This girl & her mom have lots of decisions ahead of them. I'd hate to see them get more misinformation like yours that might shut out a possible ideal situation from their condsideration.</p>

188

<p>I didn't quite read every post so I hope I'm not repeating anything...</p>

<p>My one concern about living on-campus is that this family may need year-round <em>stable</em> housing. What happens if the student has to drop classes one semester because of responsibilities regarding the child or financial concerns? It's not too much of a problem if the grandmother will maintain her current housing regardless of where she lives but that does get expensive. It might be more reasonable to find a college which will allow this family to live <em>off-campus</em> so that, no matter what happens with the college, the housing situation is stable.</p>

189

<p>One other thing... What is the relationship of the baby's father to the baby? It is entirely possible for him to stop the mother and grandmother from taking the baby out-of-state. Not only that, but if the dad is interested in having a loving relationship with the baby, the mom and gm should probably stay close enough that that is possible. I realize that is a tremendous sacrifice to the young mom but I personally do think it's one that is worthwhile.</p>

190

<p>"the mom and gm should probably stay close enough that that is possible"</p>

<p>I strongly agree that the D should choose a school that is best for the entire family. I'm usually all about pursuing the dream school, perfect fit, blah blah blah...if I'd found myself raising a baby in the middle of college, I'd have abandoned my dream school for a hometown school, no questions asked. Doesn't Grandma have local friends, relatives, a house, etc. right now? I wouldn't mess with that support system if I didn't have to. In the OP's D's situation, I'd aim to attend the best local university, for at least the first two years of college.</p>

191

<p>StickerShock,</p>

<ol>
<li><p>I said that I was only speaking about the Catholic schools others had named. None of those are known for commuter students or lots of older students, as far as I know, and they are all either small, rural, or in expensive areas.</p></li>
<li><p>I don't remember saying that only Catholic girls were petty (maybe because I never said it?). My point was that even if the school is wholly supportive, the students may not be. Further, the students at Catholic colleges tend to be more socially conservative than students at many other colleges. It's the combination of factors. </p></li>
<li><p>I do worry about how other students would perceive her and how easy she would find it to meet peers and make friends.</p></li>
<li><p>I don't believe I ever said or implied that the schools, as institutions, were uncaring or intolerant.</p></li>
<li><p>I don't appreciate or see the point in you doubting what I say about my familiarity with the Catholic Church or the Catholic colleges mentioned. If you need specifics, you should know that I've been to all four of the schools spoken about at least once in the last two or three years. I've been to Notre Dame about five times. I've gone to a wedding of Notre Dame grads (their parents went to ND, too, so it was a pure ND crowd), a cocktail party hosted by a BC grad, an event hosted by a former department head at Notre Dame, etc. I have 5 good friends at BC right now, 2 at Georgetown, 1 at Holy Cross. I have a family history at one of these schools. I could go on.</p></li>
<li><p>I said very clearly, and multiple times I believe, that a Catholic college may be a good choice for them. I also felt that there were potential issues which they should look into, so I pointed them out. As I've said, I thought the idea was a good one, but I also had some concerns. That's it.</p></li>
</ol>

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<p>2collegewego - the OP has chosen not to mention the specifics regarding the baby's father, so most of us assume he is out of the picture. I think had the couple been in a mutual, caring relationship when the pregnancy occured and since, we'd be hearing more about him from the OP. As many have said here, the OP does not have to give us every detail - we have to trust that she knows what is going on in regards to other aspects of her daughter's life; otherwise she'd be asking us about that, too, or if his presence were significant, she'd be telling us about him.</p>

193

<p>"2collegewego - the OP has chosen not to mention the specifics regarding the baby's father, so most of us assume he is out of the picture. I think had the couple been in a mutual, caring relationship when the pregnancy occured and since, we'd be hearing more about him from the OP. As many have said here, the OP does not have to give us every detail - we have to trust that she knows what is going on in regards to other aspects of her daughter's life; otherwise she'd be asking us about that, too, or if his presence were significant, she'd be telling us about him."</p>

<p>Actually, I never asked specifics about the father. And, frankly, teriwtt, I don't think it matters if the parents are in a "mutual, caring relationship." It's really, really irrelevant unless there's some sort of abuse or other extenuating circumstance (rape, father has legally terminated rights, grandma has legally adopted, etc.). Again, I'm really, really not asking and that's for them to factor in. But, if we're making general recommendations here (which we are), it is remiss not to factor in the other parent of this baby-- even if he hasn't stepped up to the plate in less than a year. (If he's another teen, that's not unusual.) </p>

<p>The father does have a right to see if his child even if he and the mom can't stand each other and children benefit from fathers even when parents can't get along for good reasons. Plus, the father has the legal ability to prevent the baby from leaving the state-- a consideration that needs to be factored in. If there are extenuating circumstances, then <em>of course</em> none of this applies but in most pregnant teen situations, the issue is not as black-and-white. Oh, and even in cases of rape or abuse, he may have legal rights to the child unless she's gone to court over this.</p>

194

<p>2collegewego - I addressed your concern because in an earlier post you said you didn't quite read every post. Some posters here have been been very judgmental and only apologized when the OP divulged information that she shouldn't have had to to get people off of her back. I believe, from implicit comments that I've read from the OP, there are extenuating circumstances, which none of us need to know. We must trust she will do what is best for her and her daughter and grandchild.</p>

195

<p>Teriwtt, actually, I read some of those and that's why I decided to just skip ahead! No judgement intended-- just a legal fact that I didn't see mentioned and needs to be factored in by the girl and her mom. (Even if there are extenuating circumstances, if they haven't been brought to the police or brought up in a court, he may still have legal rights-- meaning if there are extenuating circumstances, they will want to move to terminate any rights he has.)</p>

<p>As far as doing what is best for the child and grandchild, I am sure that's what this lady wants to do. I think in her post she's asking our opinions on colleges where that could happen. I still think that if there are colleges within a few hours of her present home that are reasonable and where they could live off-campus, that would be best. I am hesitant for the reasons posted to support the recommendations to move from Oregon to the East coast. And, trust me, I'm a divorced mom who went back to school <em>after</em> our separation. I faced this decision myself.</p>

196

<p>Although I do not believe that the OP should have to tell us about the father or the situation, 2collegewego makes a great point. If no legal measures were taken on the dad and he has not given up his rights, he still has them. He may not be in the picture now for whatever reason, but some people do stupid things just to cause problems for others. If he's a real meanie (for lack of ability to use a stronger word), he would wait right until your daughter is about to leave for school and then petition for parental rights. Now, although your daughter would probably win the case, the whole process would take up time that your daughter and you do not have. Better to make sure he doesn't even have the right to petition for these rights now rather than dealing with them later. Or, if the father and mother are still on decent terms, staying in the area is probably best. If the father ever does decide to become a role model for his child, he can do it this way. </p>

<p>If, in fact, all parental rights are taken away from the father, then just ignore me and 2collegewego. But, I think it was a very relevant point to bring up.</p>

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<p>Insomniatic wrote:</p>

<p><<i don't="" think="" anyone="" has="" the="" right="" to="" brag="" (with="" or="" without="" baby).="" i="" dislike="" parents="" who="" always="" about="" their="" kids.="">></i></p><i don't="" think="" anyone="" has="" the="" right="" to="" brag="" (with="" or="" without="" baby).="" i="" dislike="" parents="" who="" always="" about="" their="" kids.="">

<p>Look, anyone can look up your earlier posts and find out that you are a 20-yr-old living at home with her parents and having issues about it.</p>

<p>I think it's about time you stopped working out your personal issues at the expense of the OP and her daughter.</p>

<p>Give it a rest.</p>
</i>

198

<p>^^^ Consolation,
Just curious-- why'd you pick a post that was written over 24 hrs and 50 posts ago to respond to?? Just to rag on the poster?? That said, if Insomniac doesn't like parents who brag about their kids, CC is the WRONG place to be hanging out in! :)</p>

199

<p>


The OP didn't say anything about "east coast" -- she asked for college recs, not geographical ones. But I think you are all assuming that Oregon is a happy place for this family with friends & family nearby -- but it is very possible that is not the case and the OP would be very happy to move. I didn't see her asking anyone's advice as to whether or not she should move. </p>

<p>Also, as to the legal concern about the father. (1) the laws are different in any state -- unless posters practice law in Oregon I don't think they should be speculating on whether the father could object to the move. (2) While I am very familiar with California law about divorced spouses moving with children, I've never heard of a father being able to prevent a move where there was no marriage or previous relationship. The father would first have to establish paternity before getting any other rights.</p>

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<p>"The OP didn't say anything about "east coast" -- she asked for college recs, not geographical ones. But I think you are all assuming that Oregon is a happy place for this family with friends & family nearby -- but it is very possible that is not the case and the OP would be very happy to move. I didn't see her asking anyone's advice as to whether or not she should move." </p>

<p>Calmom, the "east coast" reference was to specific colleges that were mentioned and their programs (Bryn Mawr and another women's college). Like I said, <em>I</em> would be hesitant to recommend that for reasons posted. </p>

<p>"Also, as to the legal concern about the father. (1) the laws are different in any state -- unless posters practice law in Oregon I don't think they should be speculating on whether the father could object to the move. (2) While I am very familiar with California law about divorced spouses moving with children, I've never heard of a father being able to prevent a move where there was no marriage or previous relationship. The father would first have to establish paternity before getting any other rights."</p>

<p>A father can object to a move in <em>any</em> state. Whether or not he will win is very different from whether or not he can object. If this were my situation, I really would visit a lawyer if I was considering an out-of-state or out-of-area move. This may have already been done or not be necessary -- in which case, the poster should just feel free to ignore. But the father may not be involved now and suddenly change his mind in a year if he thinks his child will be taken far away. It's a consideration that could affect her.</p>