College with a baby

Parents Forum
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<p>"I was not rude at all. I was just responding to a very stupid post.</p>

<p>I hate it when people say they aren't in control of something, when in reality they are very much in control."</p>

<p>You were extremely rude. Your comments and questions were off topic and were none of your business. This thread is about offering advice to a mom about college options for her D. The point of this thread is not personal details about the D's sex life.</p>

<p>Anyone who can't see what the point of this thread is is demonstrating a lack of compassion that will be far more harmful to themselves in the long run that would be being a teen parent.</p>

<p>I agree with marite that you should apologize UNCONDITIONALLY to the OP and her D. Except for perhaps avoiding attracting mean comments by small minded people who lack compassion, the OP was under no obligation to reveal here any info about her D's sex life.</p>

<p>OP -- please realize that most people here admire you and your D for being able to rise so well to a challenging situation. Don't reveal any personal information that makes you uncomfortable. Realize that even at the most conservative colleges, admissions officers and faculty are more likely to admire your D for maintaining high grades and goals despite having a baby than to revile her or dig into very personal details of her life.</p>

<p>I agree with others that a large or medium sized state university probably would be a good place for her. Such a place is likely to attract a diversity of students including some who have children. It also is likely to have a large percentage of students who live off campus so fitting in wouldn't depend on dorm life. At many state universities, students with grades and scores like your D typically qualify for honors courses, merit aid and other wonderful perks. Stellar students at state universities also are on track for the public med schools in that state. In-state med schools want to attract the best students from their state and particularly are interested in those likely to remain in state to practice.</p>

<p>Grades, scores, coursework and state residency are virtually the only factors that state universities consider for admission. Your D should be a shoo-in. Her having a baby may help her get extra consideration for merit aid.</p>

<p>I agree with others that campus childcare arrangements are more likely available for students at a medium or large state university than at a LAC. Typically, such arrangements are stellar due to the connection with the university's education school.</p>

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<p>I'd like to second several posters' advice that the OP remember to take care of herself as well as her daughter. Whether you move or stay put, choose a community college, state U, or LAC, be sure that you, as the grandmother and mother, will have a support system in place for yourself--both financial and emotional. People here have suggested some wise and interesting options, so I hope you feel that your original question was worth it despite the rude and uncalled-for responses of a few.</p>

63

<p>I see nothing at all wrong with what the OP and her family are doing.</p>

<p>Grandmothers helping their children to achieve successful adult lives by providing child care for their grandchildren is perfectly normal (in fact, in many cultures around the world, it's what most grandmothers do). My own grandmother took care of my sister and me 10 hours a day, five days a week, year-round until we started school so that both of my parents could work full-time -- something they wanted to do because it was the only way they could ever afford to buy a house of their own.</p>

<p>This is not so different from what the OP is doing.</p>

<p>I agree with the posters who say that the college and college community should be chosen with the interests of all three family members in mind. The OP may not be able to work at the moment, but as her grandchild grows older, the family will probably make increasing use of daycare, which would free the grandmother to work full or part time. What kind of job opportunities would be available for her in the college community? </p>

<p>The cost of housing in the community is also an important factor, as is the availability of daycare. </p>

<p>Also, how's the school system? As others have pointed out, the OP's grandchild will be in school by the time her mom graduates. </p>

<p>Central cities may not be the best choices because of dangerous neighborhoods/expensive housing/lousy public schools, even though some excellent universities are located in such places.</p>

<p>I think that a state university located in a nice community would be ideal. Most state universities do not require freshmen (or anyone) to live on campus. The only problem I see is that the OP's daughter has the credentials to qualify for the honors program at most state universities, but honors programs are often residential programs, where all members are expected to live in the honors dorm. I think the OP's daughter would be well advised to fight hard for an exception to this rule, if such a rule exists.</p>

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<p>Adding to what geezermom said: Moving will probably be harder on you than on your D or her baby. It is much easier for college students to make friends and find jobs, medical care and activities than it is for adults, particularly adults who are middle aged and are basically single parents in a new city. It also is hard to learn a new culture (it is amazing how much social mores differ in the U.S. even from one part of a state to another) and to adapt to new climates, bacteria (Every time I move, due to the stress and new allergens, etc., I get sick a lot at first.)</p>

<p>College students can rely on the resources on campus, and they make friends through classes. You would not have those options.</p>

<p>I have moved as an adult and in some cases it took me years to find my niche in the community. When I moved as a married adult with a toddler, before I went back to work I thought that I would meet other interesting women in playgrounds, but I found that due to the large proportion of working moms, during the day, the playgrounds were virtually empty or had kids and their babysitters - women who had little in common with me and were not in general looking for friends.</p>

<p>In the evening, when some moms went to the playground with their kids, they tended to be working moms who wanted to devote the bulk of their limited free time to enjoying their kids, not making new friends.</p>

<p>It's hard to realize the value of living in a city that you know well and where you have longtime friends until you don't have that.</p>

<p>Consequently, while your D's stellar grades and scores probably could qualify her for one of the top colleges in the country, given your plans to move with her, I don't recommend that she do that unless you're considering Reed, which since you are in Oregon may be fairly close to you.</p>

<p>Another consideration is where you'd rent or buy if you move to be with your D. Places like NYC have been mentioned, but housing and rental prices are sky high and to find affordable housing, you even may need to live in New Jersey or in a place that has fewer amenities than you may be used to.</p>

<p>As you and your D think about her college options, also realize that a big move would mean that your D and grandchild would be even more dependent upon you than they are now since more than likely you and she have longtime friends in your current area.</p>

<p>I have hesitated to mention the following because I didn't want to sound like I was spreading doom and gloom, however I think that this is important. Before I mentioned knowing someone who in the 1970s went to Beloit, leaving the child she'd had at 15 in the care of her mom in Chicago.</p>

<p>Unfortunately, during freshman year, the person's mother (who was not even 40) unexpectedly passed away, and the student returned to Chicago and moved her baby in with her grandmom there.</p>

<p>Of course, the odds are low that this will happen to you. However, even if something relatively minor happened to you like a broken ankle, it could be very difficult for you and your family to get the support that you'd need if you're in a new city where you don't have friends or know what medical and similar care is available.</p>

<p>I don't think it would hurt your D in terms of her education and grad school/professional school options to stay in state and go to a college that is less competitive than what she's capable of gaining entrance to.</p>

<p>Anyway, most single moms find it best to stay near family and longterm friends because of the emotional and other support that's available from them.</p>

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<p>It's almost impossible to give advice in this situation without viewing the OP's dilemma through a lens clouded with one's own value system. For me, if any mom would seek my advice about her D's unplanned pregnancy & future, my answer would be an unequivocal CHOOSE LIFE! So OP & I are already on the same page. Next step -- how to make that newborn child's life the best one possible.</p>

<p>But which college??? So many posters have raised very important questions (and sorry, but often those questions are personal ones.)<br>
-Is the baby's father a consideration? You don't want to make moving plans only to find that he wants daddy time with the child & will insist on it.
-Is the extended family involved, or do you need them to be involved? What are the employment needs of the OP & what industry will have good opportunities in specific regions of the county? It could get mighty lonely for both OP & D if they move far away from support systems under these circumstances. Or not. Maybe they WANT to move away.</p>

<p>The D WILL have to limit her choices & make adjustments. Some posters have claimed she should not have to, but that makes no sense. What if she enters a major that assumes research & internships are to be completed, and she can't fit in the time to do that? International study will be out. I highly doubt the OP will be sitting at home while D is celebrating in fountains after the football game, pledging a sorrority, or doing the goofy stuff most college kids take part in. Having a baby changes everything. The D is a yong mom, so her college experience will be different than most, but it can still be wonderful & lead her on a successful career path.</p>

<p>I would suggest looking at Catholic colleges because the Church has a longstanding mission of serving unwed moms & their babies. She has the stats for Notre Dame & Georgetown & Boston College. I'd give it a shot. Good luck to you, D, & new baby.</p>

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<p>I would also suggest Reed. It is a very good school and it is also in Oregon. You can also look at Duke, UNC, Oberlin etc. good schools that are located in affordable towns. </p>

<p>I wish you all the best.</p>

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<p>"The D WILL have to limit her choices & make adjustments. "</p>

<p>As she does this, realize that the above is true for virtually all college students. Most college students attend a college within 250 miles of their homes. Most probably also attend college in their home state. Finances and distance are factors for virtually everyone except people who are extremely well off and mobile.</p>

<p>Given her test scores, grades and loving support of her mom (which many students don't have even if they aren't teen parents), the OP probably has more choices than do most aspiring college students. So do keep things in perspective as you discuss with your D her options.</p>

<p>Best wishes to you and your family.</p>

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<p>While I think Reed is an excellent school (my D went there), it is far from the only choice for good chemistry in the PNW. A friend's D majored in biochem at Whitman and found lots of research opportunities--as well as a hefty merit scholarship. </p>

<p>While it hasn't been raised, is your daughter interested in a gap year? It would increase her options (and lower the price) for child care if the child is a year older before she starts school. </p>

<p>I went back to school and got my master's when my kids were 4 and 5. It was a difficult year but I learned an enormous amount about how to study effectively.</p>

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<p>OP, you and your D have all my respect for the way you are handling your situation. The state u. I attended had a child development major. Connected to that program was a university run child development (daycare) program. It was very well respected and non-university people from the community clamored to have their children accepted into it.<br>
Makes me wonder if some of the larger state u's with early childhood education/development programs might also have some of the better daycare options. Good luck to you both.</p>

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<p>"She does not need to say that she has a child while applying, though keep in mind that teachers may mention it in a recommendation or it may be communicated in other parts of the application (such as whether she missed the beginning of this school year for maternity leave)."</p>

<p>As a teacher asked to write letters of recommendation, I would NEVER include personal information of this nature about a student unless I was specifically asked to do so. I have had students who have overcome tremendous obstacles in their personal lives. When that is the case, I have mentioned that the student faced great challenges in her life, and that she never let those issues impact her grades or attendance, while others in the same situation might have used such issues as an excuse, etc., etc. </p>

<p>I never got specific, even when I knew the details.</p>

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<p>I don't know why people are suggesting schools like Duke. These are EXTREMELY academicallly challenging school and the OP's daughter might have trouble keeping up with a child. Also these are schools were things like frat parties, sports and basketball agmes are big things and the OP's D will surely feel left out.</p>

<p>What about some of the UC's? UCLA and UCI come to mind. With your daughter's impecable stats she has a chance at some merti scholarships. Also these schools are more liberal and the OP's D is more likely to be accepted there and find others in her situation. Also I think the last feeling she needs is isolationis. Thats why I think UCLA is the perfect choice.</p>

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<p>That doesn't mean any teacher wouldn't, Mom2three. I agree that it would be inappropriate for a teacher to mention personal information like that without first talking to the applicant about it, but that doesn't mean a teacher wouldn't do it.</p>

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<p>"While it hasn't been raised, is your daughter interested in a gap year? It would increase her options (and lower the price) for child care if the child is a year older before she starts school."</p>

<p>This could be a wonderful option. It also could allow her more time to enjoy her baby, something that she probably doesn't have much time with now. They are only small for a little while, so it would be good if your D can have some extended time to really enjoy her child as well as learn what it means to be a mother fulltime.</p>

<p>Having a productive gap year (which could mean taking a couple of classes, and/or working part time while enjoying being a mom) is viewed as a plus by colleges because the students who do this before going to college tend to be more mature, focused and to be more aware of what they want to major in and eventually do as a career.</p>

<p>The only caveat I'd suggest with your D is making sure that if she does a gap year, she does have lots of responsibility for her child. There might be a temptation for both of you to use that time to allow your D to dive into being a teen without the full responsibilities of motherhood a kid, but IMO that would deprive her of the enjoyment and challenges of being a mom.</p>

<p>Remember that it would be good if your D has experiences handling the responsibilities of being a mom. At some point in her life, she'll probably be raising her child with a husband or as a single adult without you living with her. It would be good for your D to get experience as a fulltime mom, which could include part time working or being in college.</p>

<p>That also could be good for your grandchild so your grandchild gets to bond with your D like D is her mom, not her older sis or babysitter. Since your D is in school full time, the current situation is appropriate for now, and I understand why you're taking on so much responsibility. It would be good, though, if your D is able to get extensive experiences as her child's mother who has to handle the things like arranging medical care and handling the day to day challenges that mothers usually handle.</p>

<p>To keep up her math and science skills, she could take a couple of classes at a local community college. My S took a gap year, and colleges told him that as long as he didn't take more than 4 college courses (I can't remember the credits, but these would be the equivalent of one semester of college), he could apply as a freshman, not a transfer.</p>

<p>I notice that some have suggested colleges in places like LA, D.C, and Boston. Not only are those places extremely expensive to live in, but the cultures are very different than what you have in Oregon. For financial and possibly even safety reasons, you also may have to live a very long distance from where your D is in school.</p>

<p>Really think about things now that you may be taking for granted -- medical practitioners whom you have known a while and can trust; neighbors, friends and relatives whom you can rely on for emotional support, advice and help in emergencies; school systems and transportation systems that you are familiar with and like, etc. Before encouraging your D to consider colleges that are far away, consider what you have going for you now and whether a move would make sense.</p>

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<p>considering the issue of the OP's grandchild starting school before D is done with college, another factor to consider when checking into schools (and this will probably be available only at the medium to larger sized schools) are lab schools. They usually have some connection with the education department of the school, and are typically highly coveted places to send kids. Many places also offer this for pre-school. So you might need to clarify your questions to include more than just what is the available 'day care' on campus. Find out if the school has a strong education department and what they offer for the preschool/kindergarten/first grade age group.</p>

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<p>amb3r and insomniac: How rude and judgmental can you be??? The OP asked for advice on college selection. She did not ask our opinion on her daughter's decision to keep her baby. (Which, btw, I admire immensely!) For you to make such rude comments is really reprehensible.</p>

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<p>
[quote]
She feels strongly that she needs to start an independent life for herself and her son, and not continue to rely on her mother.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>I don't understand why some people think the daughter is somehow 'inconveniencing' the mother and 'not independent' by relying on her mom's help.</p>

<p>What about what's best for the BABY?</p>

<p>I know daycare is the only option for many, but, since there IS a loving grandmother more than willing to help out, how could anyone think that a daycare is better than a loving family member?</p>

<p>And, just as it was inappropriate to judge the daughter's sex life, it is also inappropriate to judge the mom's decision to help her daughter.</p>

<p>She's not 'giving up her life' - she is making the decision to extend MORE love to her daughter and granddaughter - and I think that is a beautiful thing!</p>

<p>I think people are too caught up in this modern 'independent' idea and should have more respect for FAMILY involvement.</p>

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<p>*I was not rude at all. I was just responding to a very stupid post.</p>

<p>I hate it when people say they aren't in control of something, when in reality they are very much in control.
*</p>

<p>Ironic much?</p>

<p>* I am currently a 20 year old Junior in college and I am on track to graduate in 4 years. The problem is my grades have gone down significantly down since my first semester. It seems like I have no work ethic anymore and I can't concentrate to study for tests.
My parents feel like they have a hold on me because they pay for my tuition and I live at home.
I understand very well that my life is my life and I should live it, but it is beyond my control.*</p>

<p>Just because you are young and immature and apparently frustrated with your ability to go out and "live your life", doesn't mean you need to take your frustrations out on someone you don't know by making inappropriate and thoughtless comments</p>

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<p>
[quote]
I responded to the OP's pm and apologized. I wish she would have stated the whole story in the original post. Then, I would have agreed that she hurlded over a huge obstacle.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>You're still defending your insensitivity. The point is, that you should not judge anyone, whether you think you know much about their situation or not. Even if you knew a lot about them, there are always more details you cannot possibly know. Therefore, you shouldn't make any sort of judgment at all.</p>

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<p>Mom2aMom, congratulations on raising such a wonderful daughter! Her grades and test scores are outstanding, and with an interest in science, the world is wide open to her.</p>

<p>Life doesn't have to be a linear function -- having a baby as a teenager is not the end of the world. Other posters suggestions about looking for schools with childcare are great -- it's not all that unusual for undergrads or grad students to have children. If your daughter was able to maintain such good grades under the circumstances, she should do very well in college. I think Admissions people would recognize that.</p>

<p>Good luck, and you have my admiration for the way you are supporting your daughter and your grandchild!</p>

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<p>Off topic, but is there anyone else who can't view page 6 of this thread?</p>