College with a baby

Parents Forum
101

<p>Most schools can and will be helpful with the logistics of housing, honors, etc. for such a fine student. She, the young woman, will need to ask, inquire, petition, whatever it takes to get the information she needs to make her situation work. While family housing at most schools assumes a couple or student parent(s) and child(ren), there is probably an appeal process. It would be more likely that the OP's daughter would meet other student parents if she is in university housing, and there will be family experiences available through those communities. However, OP might be more comfortable in a traditional house and/or apartment situation in the local community. It will be necessary for the student mom to be able to logistically manage her schedule with transportation, late night study groups and meetings, etc. All of these are factors to consider in any final decision. </p>

<p>This young woman's accomplishments in this situation are breathtakingly impressive. For a 16 year-old to sail through this so positively is amazing. Few of us have had 16 year olds who could have managed this and accomplished so much. Whatever the school, the sense of emotional support and community will be just as important as the education. Good luck to the whole family. Cyber hugs to you. Lorelei</p>

102

<p>All the women's colleges have these programs.</p>

<p>Northstarmom: My remarks were not directed to you. Suggesting a gap year is a pratical thought with enormous benefits. It is something to consider. The drawback is that some people lose momentum. This is something for the D and the OP to weight together.</p>

<p>I just don't think we should "lecture" about how to be a good mother. I think the OP has a pretty good idea of this herself. (Again, not directed at you.)</p>

<p>Actually, one reason menopause is advantageous to the human race is because it supplies grandmothers who do not have to mother children of their own. There is a strong survival value for our race in this fact, so the plans of the OP and her D are in keeping with our inheritance. It is a rather recent notion that mothers should raise their children basically on their own and that this mother-child bond is central to human development. And other societies have tried many different accomodations.</p>

<p>That said, I did take off four years to be with my kids, and I was happy about it, but I already had my career in place. There are so many different solutions to this issue.</p>

103

<p>All the women's colleges have these programs.</p>

<p>Northstarmom: My remarks were not directed to you. Suggesting a gap year is a pratical thought with enormous benefits. It is something to consider. The drawback is that some people lose momentum. This is something for the D and the OP to weight together.</p>

<p>I just don't think we should "lecture" about how to be a good mother. I think the OP has a pretty good idea of this herself. (Again, not directed at you.)</p>

<p>Actually, one reason menopause is advantageous to the human race is because it supplies grandmothers who do not have to mother children of their own. There is a strong survival value for our race in this fact, so the plans of the OP and her D are in keeping with our inheritance. It is a rather recent notion that mothers should raise their children basically on their own and that this mother-child bond is central to human development. And other societies have tried many different accomodations.</p>

<p>That said, I did take off four years to be with my kids, and I was happy about it, but I already had my career in place. There are so many different solutions to this issue.</p>

104

<p>Northstarmom, I think you might be making some unwarranted assumptions.

[quote]
However, due to the D's schedule, it also is fairly obvious that the D probably doesn't have much parenting responsibilities.

[/quote]
I'm trying to figure out what sort of high school the D could go to where she could possibly have a schedule that was tougher than the one I had as a trial lawyer after my first child was born -- I went into a trial that lasted 6 weeks when my son was only about 8 weeks old, and I didn't have a parent around to help. I found a wonderful family day care provider near the courthouse, stopped by during my lunch break each day to nurse the baby -- and if I could managed to breastfeed and try a major case at the same time, I'm thinking that D. can be doing plenty of parenting. High school still gets out at 3 pm or so, right? </p>

<p>You really sell all working moms short with the idea that if their mommy-shift begins at 6pm on weekdays they aren't doing their jobs. Yes, it is a partnership with another person, but I can assure you that it is very possible for a working or in-school mom to develop a strong (and even obsessive) relationship with her kid. (I did everything under the sun with mine - Gymboree, "Sesame Street Live", you name it. Just not too much during weekday business hours. Once I got off work early and went to the daycare center to pick up my then 2-year-old early so we could go to the library, and he pitched a major fit because I was causing him to miss his beloved Mr. Rogers at 4 pm. I learned after that to respect the fact that my son had a life of his own that didn't involve me, even if it did take place in the Land of Make Believe.).</p>

<p>Actually, I always thought it was better that I worked, as I never felt overwhelmed or exhausted with diapers and the like -- I was a very eager and enthusiastic parent in the evenings. Plus I had a nice ready-made excuse to leave the office early and beg off evening meetings. </p>

<p>If OP says the d. is a good mom, I think its reasonable to assume that the mom is highly involved with her daughter, even if not there 24/7. </p>

<p>
[quote]
it might not be a place that a middle aged woman who's a stay at home mom would easily find friends and activities.

[/quote]
Did the OP ever say how old she is? It's very possible that the OP is in her late 30's or early 40's -- she might be very energetic and capable. We also don't know what, if anything, the OP may do for income. Now that I am no longer practicing law, I work from home as a writer & web designer - there are a lot of professions where a move is not a major disruption. I've never been to Northampton -- but most college towns I know of have a few people over 40 left living in them. I'm sure she wouldn't contemplate a move if she didn't think she could handle it. Maybe she's even looking forward to it. I'm guessing that she's a single parent -- if this is her only or youngest child, maybe the idea of the empty nest in her Oregon home isn't all that attractive. (Personally, even though I have an active social life and plenty of work to do, I get bored out of my skull with the long hours of alone-time as an empty-nester living alone in a suburban town -- hence the CC addiction. It beats watching t.v. -- but if I had to choose this vs. living somewhere else with one of my kids, I'd probably have my bags packed already.</p>

105

<p>I used to work with someone who had been an Ada Comstock Scholar at Smith. (She was divorced with 2 kids and a non-contributing ex.) And yes, Insomniatic, she had to go "on welfare" in order to do it! Gasp!! Personally, I think our society made a good investment there, enabling her to establish a decent career, rather than scrape along in a succession of minimum-wage jobs.</p>

<p>In any case, it's a great program, and definitely something to look into.</p>

106

<p>I know a couple that had a baby in HS. They both went to college (she to one of the Us of Illinois, and he to WUSTL) and both graduated in 4 years. They lived together, though they were not married (both worked part time in order to pay the bills). The grandparents helped with babysitting, but plenty of parenting was done by the students. </p>

<p>I can certainly see how OPs daughter can be very successful in college. And I am sure that she will be a competitive candidate for pretty much any school. The harder part will be to find a school where she will not be socially isolated. I would think that LACs will be a problem in that regard, so she should aim for mid-size or large university. As a single mother she will be considered independent by pretty much any school, so she should get a lot of FA.</p>

107

<p>only got to read the first few pages of replies to this topic, but it seems like a pretty good one. though i'm not a pregnant teenager or one with a baby, on behalf of all of them thank you for being such a great mom. how reassuring to hear that parents really are reasonable after all!</p>

<p>i go to my state's flagship and know/see more than a few pregnant women on campus. we have campus organizations for parents and on-campus daycare that is run by students interested in early education. housing on and off campus isn't too expensive and there are some nice residential areas in town. i have no idea how admissions process works for young parents, however i do know that when i applied here last winter i was not asked anything about whether or not i had a child. </p>

<p>depending on how she wants to let adcoms know about her baby, perhaps her daughter would make a good essay topic. not so much in the conception/pregnancy part, but hearing how she managed to maintain such great grads while raising an infant is definitely a story i would like to hear. </p>

<p>so i guess to wrap it up, kudos to her for going to college and being a capable provider for her baby. and thanks to you for being such a great mom. </p>

<p>i'm sure any college would love to have her!</p>

<p>all the best,
kristin</p>

108

<p>The D is a strong student, but so are many other young women, she should not count on getting into every college she applies to- having a child does not give her any advantages in the admissions process. There are enough stresses for a teenage mother and her family, moving to completely unfamiliar places with different climates and no social netork for the OP in addition to all the other needs may not be wise. I have no problem with the negative comments of some of the posters- they should not apologize to anyone for hurting feelings (in fact, bravo for people mentioning the negatives, no reason to give unwarranted praise). The student/mother does not deserve any special consideration in the admissions process, either positive or negative. Having a child to consider does change "everything". </p>

<p>I would eliminate the LACs for all women in science simply because of a numbers game, a large university is more likely to have more women with like interests and better chemistry facilities. I still remember all the different chemistry grad labs friends and I did work in at a flagship U while in the undergrad Honors program. A large school is also more likely to have more students who are also parents, decreasing the loneliness. Attitudes will vary at campuses, ones known for liberalness are probably a better fit. Along with the other college stresses she does not need to add generalized disapproval for her situation (the anonimity/unawareness of her situation is easier in larger populations). You and she can't change the past and will have extra burdens but she should definitely go to a 4 year college and not settle for a community college because of her child.</p>

<p>I can see all the posts coming about how great LAC's are, but women in science are the ones who know what they did/ didn't miss when they have some grad school/professional school experience. Good luck to her, in the long run going to college immediately after HS will be better for all involved- no loss of educational momentum, better job prospects, brighter future. There is no ideal time for women to have children and a career, compromises always have to be made; thank goodness society no longer requires us to give up our personal identites to be stay at home mothers. </p>

<p>Finally, OP- students compromise on their college choices for many reasons so don't ignore the choices close to home, there will be many students of her academic caliber at your public U's, even if your state's schools are not ranked as highly as those in some other states.</p>

109

<p>
[quote]
You know, I don't think we are being asked to be experts on child rearing here.

[/quote]
Have you forgotten that the young girl has a baby, and this is the reason the OP is asking for advice? It is impossible to consider the girl's situation without discussing child rearing. In fact, it should be the primary focus, both for the baby and the teen. They are both children. </p>

<p>Bringing up thrid world cultures, where often new mothers have a choice between a rock and a hard place is not relevant. Nor is some anthropoligical theory on maternal-child bonds. This is an American teen facing a dilemma in 2007. We modern Americans cherish our maternal-child bonds. All her decisions will have long range impacts on her, her mom, and her baby. The path she chooses has to benefit all three of them. And I would argue that every working mom who achieved a successful relationship with her child worked incredibly hard to do so, put aside her own needs at times, and did an amazing juggling act. Picture Calmom rushing home from a trial to nurse -- that's enough to make one's head spin. This young girl may not have the maturity needed to put her own desires aside when needed to give the baby her full attention. It will be very challenging indeed.</p>

110

<p>As someone who put her two kids in full time (8am-6pm) day care starting when they were 10 weeks old, I can assure all that bonding is quite feasible on such a schedule. My kids were never ever in doubt as to who their mom was (or wasn't). They are now well-adjusted, non-neurotic adults.</p>

<p>Let the OP and her D, the baby's mom worry about the parenting issue. The OP did not come here for advice on this particular issue, but about college. There are practical issues involved in attending college while having a very small child, and this is what we on CC should concentrate on, not giving tips to the OP--who, after all, has as much parenting experience as most of us here. </p>

<p>While I think that medium-sized to large universities may be the best setting, I would not eliminate LACs. They have done a wonderful job of training men and women in the sciences and many are also quite supportive of non-traditional students, as evidenced by comments on Smith or Mt. Holyoke. I am more concerned about their isolated settings than about the colleges as such.</p>

<p>At Harvard, a number of graduate students and young faculty members are hired to live in dorms/Houses (for upperclassmen) as residential deans. They live in apartments in the dorms/Houses. In fact, the proctor in my S's freshman dorm had a baby last year. S also had a friend, one of four siblings, whose mom was a residential dean in one of the Houses. There was a very reliable supply of baby-sitters! While this would obviously not be a relevant scenario for the OP's D, it suggests that there might be housing options on campus for a student with a child.</p>

111

<p>
[quote]
The student/mother does not deserve any special consideration in the admissions process, either positive or negative.

[/quote]

Of course she does! </p>

<p>Every college application asks to describe any unusual circumstances or challenges the applicants had encountered. Most students use it to make excuses for a poor grade or score. She does not need to make any excuses, but I believe that any college will be highly impressed with her accomplishments under the circumstances -- and rightly so.</p>

112

<p>Me: "However, due to the D's schedule, it also is fairly obvious that the D probably doesn't have much parenting responsibilities....
Calmom: "I'm trying to figure out what sort of high school the D could go to where she could possibly have a schedule that was tougher than the one I had as a trial lawyer after my first child was born -- I went into a trial that lasted 6 weeks when my son was only about 8 weeks old, and I didn't have a parent around to help...."</p>

<p>OP: "'m the mother of a 16-year-old high school Junior. My D has a three month old daughter. I watch my granddaughter everyday and try to do everything I can to help my D. She's a great daughter, a great mother and a great student. "</p>

<p>I was a working mom -- returned to work as a fulltime psychologist who was active duty Navy 6 weeks after I had a C-section. I also started and completed my dissertation while working fulltime over the next 2 years. So, I know what it's like to be a working mom.</p>

<p>Perhaps I'm wrong, but from what I have personally seen of teen moms who are high achieving high school students who are fortunate enough to have loving moms who are doing everything they can to help out, those young moms do not have to cope with the major responsibilities of motherhood. This is a good thing because if those mothers did, it would be very difficult for them to achieve at their potential in high school.</p>

<p>By "major responsibilities" I mean: being in charge of scheduling and transporting their children to medical appointments; handling the late night feedings and sick care; having the responsibility for keeping track of and going to the store to purchase supplies for the baby; being totally responsible for diapering, bathing, feeding once the student comes home and over the weekends. Arranging care for the baby when the mom and grandmom are not available. </p>

<p>Certainly theoretically it would be possible for a 16-year-old mom to handle all of these things, but it would be very difficult since the young mom wouldn't have the experiences, skills and wisdom that help many older women juggle challenging work schedules after having babies. However, since the OP's daughter has a loving mom who says that she is doing all she can to help her D, I don't think that the D has to handle the kind of childcare responsibilities that you did. </p>

<p>That's why I think that her having a gap year in which she's the mom in charge could be a good experience for her and her child. In addition to the reasons I've listed before, it could be just plain nice for the mom to be able to have extended time with her child without having to also juggle the demands of high school or college. I'm not at all suggesting that the mother isn't being able to bond with her child under the current situation. I'd bet they have a nice relationship. Still, both could benefit by the mom's having an opportunity to be really the mom and to be able to fully enjoy her child without having to deal with the stresses of junior and senior year in h.s. and adjusting to college, things that in themselves are challenging for most students.</p>

113

<p>
[quote]
...it would be very difficult since the young mom wouldn't have the experiences, skills and wisdom that help many older women juggle challenging work schedules after having babies.

[/quote]
This is the issue at hand. Northstarmom is pointing out the very, very different circumstances of a teen mom and a mature, educated career mom (presumably with a husband to share the responsibility.) It seems as if some are trying to turn the thread into a battle between moms who work out of the home & those who stay at home, with statements such as "giving up our identities" to be SAHMs. Not relevant here, unless you are talking about the OP. But the OP states that she is perfectly content with staying home; she's looking to find the arrangement that best suits her D & grandchild's needs. </p>

<p>Whether one works or stays home, having a child means the child's needs come first. That can be a tough adjustment for some mature, grown women. I'm guessing those who posted about handling demanding jobs while putting their kids in daycare were not teens when they had their babies. You probably lived a bit, sowed some wild oats, maybe saw the world, kissed a few frogs, explored your dreams, settled on a career & a mate. This teen has been thrust into the role of mom without having those opportunities. It will be a constant struggle for her as she raises the child -- feeling a maternal pull, yet longing for the carefree youth she had to cut short. That can't be ignored when college choices are made.</p>

114

<p>The pull will be the same no matter which college is attended. The only cure for adolescence is time. So let's concentrate on college choice. I'm sure that the OP's D has plenty of time to consider what she is missing by having a baby. The bonding is happening right now, while she is a high school junior. That baby will be 2 by the time she attends college, by the way, and 3 if the OP's D opts to take a gap year.</p>

115

<p>I was in my late 20's when I had my oldest child, but have friends who were teenage moms and they managed. It's pretty much a western cultural, late 20th century phenomenon to defer childbirth much past the early 20's in any event. Obviously a teen who is an early mother is giving up on some of the social life and freedom that other kids enjoy - but there are many teens who have significant responsibilities -- who may need to hold down jobs to contribute to family income or be responsible in large part for the care of younger siblings. </p>

<p>Actually, I attended law school with many women who were already parents of small kids, and I kind of envied them for having the diaper-years behind them before they embarked on their careers -- I had a career that needed to be cut back in order to accommodate child rearing, and it was hard to restore later on -- maybe the lawyer-moms who began their law careers a little later in their life trajectories had a career advantage. I don't know -- I'm just saying that there really isn't a convenient time or age - it's tough to be 16 with a baby attending school, and its tough to be 26 juggling career and child care, and its just as tough when the new mom is 40. About the only time it gets "easy" is when the parent is rich enough to hire a full-time nanny to do most of the work -- and there are plenty of women a lot older than OP's daughter who do that and probably have less exposure to all the "real" nitty gritty, "responsibility" part of parenting that Northstarmom lists than the 16 year old has. There just are a lot of different models of parenting. I don't think we can make assumptions about this particular family and their situation.</p>

<p>I don't really see much point in the d. taking a gap year when her child is age 2 in order to get some sort of extra mom-experience that she won't have had the first two years. What I can say for sure is that every adult I knew who was a teenage mom and deferred their college education for child-rearing has regretted it; it cuts heavily into earning capacity and the older the child gets the more demands are made on the parent's time which require full attention. So slowing down or deferring the education could be a big mistake. I personally found it easier to work when my kids were very small (and school would have been the same).</p>

116

<p>I went to grad school with a baby; kind of the same thing, just older. I agree with previous posters that Smith and Mount Holyoke probably would be accomodating as they do have programs for women who don't fit into the traditional college freshman mold.</p>

117

<p>
[quote]
As someone who put her two kids in full time (8am-6pm) day care starting when they were 10 weeks old, I can assure all that bonding is quite feasible on such a schedule. My kids were never ever in doubt as to who their mom was (or wasn't). They are now well-adjusted, non-neurotic adults.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Echo marite. My kids have turned out better than I expected despite all the criticism from other people. I appreciated the fact that there are other people who loved them besides my H&I. We did not have any close relatives nearby.</p>

<p>OP, If this were my D, I would do everything I can to help her. As other people have posted, delaying going to school may cause her to loose the momemtum.</p>

118

<p>I don't know, i guess i am in the minority, but i find it kind of sad in a way that the girl never missed anything because of her child....glad grandmother was there....I mean to not miss a day of school when her own baby was sick, not once....i don't know....i am glad the d has is all, as it appears, but it is this kind of post that actually frightens me</p>

<p>oh, don't worry about geting pregnant, your life will be just peachy, when in reality, the majority of pregnant teens have a much more difficult time of it</p>

<p>the girl should be grateful she has a mother who is willing to basically give up her own life for her</p>

<p>my point is, we should be discouraging girls from getting pregnant, instead of showing wow, look, get pregnant when you are 15 and look how easy it can be</p>

119

<p>well I bring up the "parenting" issue because she is a great daughter, great student and GREAT mother, throw that in, and yes it will be discussed</p>

<p>bragging about a teen mother being a great mom who is this perfect student, whose own mother is moving...yes, how swell it all is</p>

<p>the Ds life will be just peachy, because everyone else was willing to adjust to HER</p>

<p>being a parent means sacrifice, and that is a good thing, not bad, but when we in fact glorify and say how wonderful it all can be, just encourages other girls to not be as careful- look becky did it and it was so much fun and easy</p>

<p>becky needs to be out there saying- donT do what i did...it was hard....and i may not go to college, and my mom is now a fulltime babysitter, etc</p>

120

<p>Whatever the OP and her D decide, the CC community has exposed them to a variety of thoughtful perspectives.</p>

<p>"As other people have posted, delaying going to school may cause her to loose the momentum."</p>

<p>Below are some quotes from a Washinton Post Magazine article about gap years that featured Marlyn McGrath, Harvard's admissions director. Considering the OP's D's grades, scores and high level of motivation in her academics, probably McGrath's observations would be relevant to the OP's D's situation.</p>

<p>Marlyn McGrath (responding to a question about whether students can take their gap year after being admitted to a college): A good question, and helpful. Most students who defer Harvard admission, for example, have already been admitted. (We suggest in the admission letter that they consider deferring, because we are so persuaded of the value of maturity and self-direction.) But other students do apply to us during a gap year.</p>

<p>Marlyn McGrath: Speaking strictly for Harvard, I can report that we see no effect of gap years on our graduation rate (which is about 97%.) Our experience, admittedly, is with highly motivated students.</p>

<p>Marlyn McGrath: I think your concern is a real one, that the year off has the potential to become another standard resume-booster. But it can also have the capacity to strengthen both a student's resume and his or her actual skills, self-directedness and maturity, which makes a better college applicant and a better college student. That is an important goal, despite the potential for being manipulated.</p>

<p>Marlyn McGrath (responding to a question about concerns that a gap year will delay a student's college graduation and permanently supporting themself): By definition, a gap year will delay that process, but it might not make it harder in the way suggested here. (Skipping college entirely and entering the work force right away might make a student self-supporting-- if indeed he or she can find a good job without a college degree--more quickly. But all the evidence suggests that that decision would be a financial mistake of great magnitude.)Among the great benefits of a gap year is its power (often) to help students understand not simply what they love to do, but what they do well. In the long run that happy situation can be beneficial financially as well as in other ways. Taking the longer view should be an advantage-- and is very unlikely to be a disadvantage financially, though it might seem so at the time.</p>

<p>Marlyn McGrath: In my experience of twenty years working with students considering, and taking, gap years, I cannot recall a single student who decided not to go on to college. But you are correct-- parents do worry about that.
Post</a> Magazine: The Gap Year - washingtonpost.com</p>