College with a baby

Parents Forum
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<p>"Northstarmom --re the gap year idea: most students who take a gap year do something in that year to foster their personal growth -- they may get a job, travel, do community service, etc. But they probably aren't sitting around the house doing nothing."</p>

<p>I never suggested that the OP's D could use a gap year to sit around the house doing nothing.</p>

<p>I suggested that the OP's D could use a gap year to have extended time with her child including taking on the principal responsibilities for raising her child (and any mothers here know that seriously taking on those responsibilities for a toddler is indeed a fulltime job even if one doesn't work outside of the home) while also taking college math and science courses to keep up those skills (important since she's planning on majoring in chemistry, which indicates to me she's also considering going to med school), and perhaps while working part time.</p>

<p>If she indeed did these things, colleges would indeed view her gap year favorably. With the extra time that a gap year would allow her to get to know herself and motherhood even better, she'd also be in a better position to know exactly what she wants out of her college experience. Most students who go to college change majors at least once, and also typically have no clear idea of how to take full advantage of the college experience. They may think that they know what they want to do, but they usually lack the world and self knowledge to make a decision that they will stick with in college.</p>

<p>The more the OP's D is able to go to college being very sure about what she wants, the better things will be for her and her baby. Just because she's a hard working, high achieving student who thinks she wants to major in chemistry doesn't mean that's really the major that she will end up in.</p>

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bragging about a teen mother being a great mom who is this perfect student, whose own mother is moving...yes, how swell it all is</p>

<p>the Ds life will be just peachy, because everyone else was willing to adjust to HER

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<p>cgm, you sound jealous. One could just as easily apply your logic to any of the other things parents do for their kids. Many of the parents on this forum are affluent and pay for their kids' college, even send them abroad - and those kids have no concept of how hard some kids have to struggle to pay back financial aid, motivate themselves to go to college in the first place when their parents were not supportive (or even abusive), etc. </p>

<p>So...? We all have different backgrounds, and some are obviously more 'blessed' than others. So what? We should rejoice for this fortunate teen mom, who is blessed with a loving and supportive mom as well as a beautiful baby, and has intelligence...she is blessed, yes. Not all of us are so blessed in the same way, but perhaps are blessed in other ways. There is no point in trying to drag her down just because others are less fortunate. There is no point in judging her for getting pregnant, and to suggest that we are somehow encouraging other teens to get pregnant is really ridiculous. No way is the daughter of an abusive alcoholic, for example, going to read this thread and say 'oh getting pregnant at 16 is fun and easy because this girl's mom did everything for her' - She will know that her situation is different. Anyway, it's pointless to walk on eggshells when giving this OP advice about HER daughter who is in need NOW, for fear that some hypthothetical teen MIGHT read this thread and get the wrong idea.</p>

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it is not encouraging girls to get pregnant, but saying, wow, good for you, you have done it all....shows that hey, if you get pregnant, your life doens't have to change and you don't have to give up all YOUR plans....don't worry too much about the new life, eh, we wiil adjust that life to yours

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<p>So just what is it you are proposing? That we judge the teen, like 2 posters did? Ignore the OP's request for info on colleges and just chastise her for helping her daughter? Are you saying that she was wrong to help her daughter succeed in high school and strengthen her chances for a successful career? Are you saying that we should not help our kids make the best of whatever situation they find themselves in?</p>

<p>The OP has every right to brag about her daughter. The girl's stats are enough to brag about, even if she hadn't had a baby. The fact that she managed to keep her head on straight enough to do so well says a lot about her perseverance. Yes, she is luckier than most. And smarter than most. But it's not her fault that others are not as fortunate as her. </p>

<p>I would have done the same as the OP, were it my daughter. I would not intentionally withhold help so that my daughter would have it 'rougher' just because some other teens have it rougher. She is undoubtedly having a rough enough time already. We cannot presume to know what sorts of personal challenges she has faced. It's none of our business, anyway: The OP just asked for advice on colleges.</p>

<p>I have refrained from posting on this forum before because whenever we share something even remotely personal, it seems like people think they have permission to analyze our every decision.</p>

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I want this girl to do well, but it shouldn't come across as easy, there is a baby involved now, and sorry to say, for parents, that means its not about Me anymore, its about us

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<p>If it were 'easy' then why did the OP feel the need to ask for advice? And why has this advice now extended to 11 pages?</p>

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<p>I don't think anyone has the right to brag (with or without baby). I dislike the parents who always brag about their kids.</p>

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To me, it should be WHY are teen girls getting pregnant, where are the dudes in this, why no talk about birth control, condoms</p>

<p>it is this attitude, wow, look what great moms these teenagers are....well, they are dealing with infants...and it makes me sad

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<p>cgm, I have had some wonderful discussions with you in the past, and I have a LOT of respect for you! But, truthfully, I think in this case you seem to be trying to turn this thread into a cause. I don't think it's appropriate. I think it might be better to start a new thread to discuss teen pregnancies and how to avoid them. This particular thread was started to discuss a very specific and personal situation.</p>

<p>I have started threads before, seeking advice, and suddenly, because I happened to homeschool, everyone started debating homeschooling and instead of getting advice on some issue that had absolutely nothing to do with homeschooling, I was forced to defend my decision to homeschool, which really had nothing to do with the original question and wasn't even up for discussion, as it was nobody else's business. It really soured the whole thing and as a result I now hesitate long and hard before ever asking anything personal on cc. It's not fun having one's neck on the chopping block for everyone to take turns chopping at. </p>

<p>This OP is doing what she feels is best for her daughter and grandchild. We should honor that and keep all judgment out of this thread.</p>

<p>Your comments & concerns are indeed valid, but perhaps they can be better explored in a separate, less personal, thread.</p>

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I don't think anyone has the right to brag (with or without baby). I dislike the parents who always brag about their kids.

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<p>Oh good heavens, then you probably don't like most of the parents, and students for that matter, on this forum! Probably ALL of us parents have bragged about our kids at some time or another. Maybe not blatantly, but slyly. If anyone won't admit that, they're probably not being honest about themselves. And the students have posted their stats, proudly. We've all done it. Sure, some are a little nauseating when they go on and on...but hey...it's a college discussion forum! By nature it's competitive!</p>

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<p>Yes it is a cause, it is NOT GOOD for girls to be parents, I will stand by that</p>

<p>And sometimes, circumstances are not of the girls making, but choosing to raise that baby yourself while you are still a teen can be really hard for all involved and that should be shared...</p>

<p>As for personal, i don't know the poster, but i do know statistics, i do know the reality for the vast majority of teen mothers, and when a teen girl sees that its fun and cute and easy for another teen girl, then maybe that teen girl won't be so careful, will make bad choices, will not do the adoption route, etc</p>

<p>Yeah, its a cause....nothing in this world happens in a bubble, all you do affects those around you, ESPECIALLY the people brought into this world</p>

<p>It was the words the OP used, those words that can appear to other teens to show, look, whats the worst that can happen if i don't take care when having sex...i can still do it all, and that is by FAR the exception, doing it all while being a teen mom</p>

<p>I can glean a bit from the posts of the OP that how the baby came to be was NOT about her d having sex of her own will...but ONCE you make that decision to keep that baby, to give birth and keep it in your home, you are then the mother...and IF it is decided that the grandmother will take the bulk of the responsibility of being that baby's mother, be honest at least to yourself about that....</p>

<p>and when you have teens CHOOSING to get pregnant because they see that it isn't such a big deal for some, because those people pretend its all so easy, then you have more teens not being careful or choosing to have babies</p>

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<p>Brushing past some of the most inconsiderate and hostile posts I have ever seen on the internet (and I'm a teenage guy, so you can be sure I've seen my fair share of them on other forums), I want to commend the OP. Your daughter sounds amazing and I'm sure that she'll make an attractive candidate for any university (well, ones not staffed by the likes of insomniatic or amb3r). Best of luck to you, and I'd love to hear out this story resolves come the spring.</p>

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n the OPs daughter's case, I feel that it is vitally important for her to get the best education possible, at the most selective school she can get into. She faces a challenging future as a single mom, and will need all the skills she can garner.</p>

<p>Like Mom2aMom, I would move heaven and earth to make that happen, even if that meant relocating, giving up a career, family and friends or whatever. Taking care of her granddaughter, while helping her daughter obtain an education, is the most important task at the moment. I admire her willingness to do whatever it takes to make that happen.</p>

<p>Babies love their moms. Even abused children love their moms, at least a little. This baby, while growing up with a loving grandmother and mom, will be just fine.

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<p>Well said! I gave up a career as a software engineer to stay home with my son. I homeschooled him and returned to work, part-time, when he was 9. Yet, even though I am generally an advocate for SAHM's, I agree that this baby will be absolutely fine. In fact, this baby is extremely fortunate to have a loving grandma be the primary caregiver. Even though I generally think it's best for the baby to have Mommy around as much as possible during the early years, this teen mom does have to think about her future as a single parent. She cannot depend on meeting some rich guy to take care of her, or even that her mom will always be available. Therefore, I agree that putting her education and career as her top priority (since the baby, who is truly the top priority, is already being taken care of quite well by the Grandma) so that she will be able to care for her child on her own later. Taking a gap year is certainly an option, and if she feels strongly that she wants to spend more time with her child, I would encourage her to honor that. But, if she is ok with continuing with college plans, and Grandma is clearly ok with that, I would encourage her to not put those plans on hold. Putting college plans on hold often results in never going back, and being a mom might even increase those odds.</p>

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<p>CGM:</p>

<p>You are really something. Why is it selfish for a teen to raise her child? What do you propose? that she abort? give her child away? Or you sure others would do a better job raising that child?
And anyway, she is NOT raising that child by herself. You may not have taken the trouble to read the initial post. It is by the MOTHER. She is not letting her D raise her child by herself.</p>

<p>where on earth do you get that the D is not honest with herself? She has not posted anything here, so you have absolutely no shred of evidence about what she feels or says on any subject.</p>

<p>The OP did not ask you to pass judgment on her, her D, her grandchild, or even teenage mothers in general. If you have no advice to give the OP or her D, can you take your sermonizing somewhere else?</p>

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Yes it is a cause, it is NOT GOOD for girls to be parents, I will stand by that

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<p>I'm not disputing that. I'm disputing whether it is in good taste to be championing your cause in a thread intended for advice on a personal matter.</p>

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<p>lealdragon:</p>

<p>I agree with you completely about the need for the OP's D to pursue her education for the sake of her child. She has demonstrated that, with the support of a loving mother, she can achieve high, which is not ordinarily the case with teenage mothers.</p>

<p>I also agree with posters that Catholic colleges seem to be a good bet. Notre Dame in particular would be good, as it is in an area that is not quite so expensive as DC (Georgetown) or the Boston area (BC). I would also suggest looking into the College of the Holy Cross in Worcester, MA. Worcester is a fairly large city with seven colleges and fairly inexpensive housing (at least by MA standards).</p>

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<p>CGM, where we have the biggest problems with teenagers having babies, is not with those who are considering college. Those girls who have those babies do NOT have an easy life either. Somehow, that does not seem to make the impression. I doubt those kids who are raised in an environment where having babies while in high school is an anomoly are going to think this is a cool thing. If the girls around here are getting pregnant, no one is talking about it, and I suspect most of them are aborting, and few still giving up the child. It would take a lot of courage for someone in such an environment to keep a child. </p>

<p>The OP has posted because she wants COLLEGE information. Whatever choices and issues she has had with the baby situation is now done. They have moved on.</p>

<p>I don't know how admissions offices would look at a teen mother. The example with Wellesley goes to show that even a school that should be dealing with women's issue and has the funds to help more than many schools do, and has the freedom to make exceptions to rules as it is a small school, a private school, and one that prides itself on its ability to judgements on a case by case basis, can be downright uncharitable in this situation. It is very possible that other schools will not look favorably on the case as well. Also adcoms are people, and from these posts we can see that there are those who may feel that mothers do not belong in a college. That is something that I would recommend the OP and daughter to research. I have seen a few posts recommending a large university where there are more students who have children/families, and that may not be a bad idea. In a smaller school where she is going to be unusual, she may not get the sense of belonging that she might want to have. Although if she is from a small school environment, the change may be difficult, it would give her a better sense of a community for herself and child. </p>

<p>I think it is commendable for anyone who finds her/himself in an unfavorable predictament to continue to strive. It is certainly possible to go to college with a baby. It has been done. And this young lady has more than most young moms do in that her mother has made the decision to help care for the baby while she goes to school. She has shown she can successfully perform academically under these circumstances.</p>

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<p>I cannot imagine this girl going off to a traditional college with her baby and mother in tow and ending up happy. If the vast majority of her classmates are living in dorms, studying and having a social life...where does that leave her? Probably unhappy and resentful about what she is missing out on, because it will be paraded before her every day. And if her mother allows her to be a college kid and partake in all that entails, then she is not encouraging her daughter to grow as a responsible adult and parent. The mother may as well raise the child by herself in their hometown.</p>

<p>It seems clear that she should be going to a non-traditional school that has many students who commute and offers both undergrad and graduate courses so that there will be a wide range of students of differing ages and circumstances.</p>

<p>I'm from NYC, so I am thinking about my own experience as an undergrad in Brooklyn College (I lived at home and commuted) and as a graduate student at Hunter College (I took my 3-year old daughter with me on the train and commuted from LI to the city. I left her in child-care on campus.)</p>

<p>Although not nationally-ranked universities, I got an excellent education from both schools and I was able to work part-time as an undergrad in the city. I went on to have a successful career in marketing communications for a cruise line with my BA in English (I hired many assistants from prestigious colleges to work for me!) After graduating from Hunter College, years later, I got a part-time teaching position (second career) at a highly ranked school district. In other words, don't be as concerned with rank or prestige, look for a college allows her to earn a degree, get a job and remain a good parent.</p>

<p>My point is that if this girl's life has taken an unexpected turn, she needs to adapt her expectations so that she should first be a good mother and second get a college degree. She is lucky to have the support of her mother who seems willing to re-locate. I say...re-locate near a commuting school that has day care options (even just as a fall back for now) and work part-time to start gaining some independence and real-life experience.</p>

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where we have the biggest problems with teenagers having babies, is not with those who are considering college. Those girls who have those babies do NOT have an easy life either. Somehow, that does not seem to make the impression. I doubt those kids who are raised in an environment where having babies while in high school is an anomoly are going to think this is a cool thing. If the girls around here are getting pregnant, no one is talking about it, and I suspect most of them are aborting, and few still giving up the child. It would take a lot of courage for someone in such an environment to keep a child...
<snip></snip></p>

<p>I think it is commendable for anyone who finds her/himself in an unfavorable predictament to continue to strive. It is certainly possible to go to college with a baby. It has been done. And this young lady has more than most young moms do in that her mother has made the decision to help care for the baby while she goes to school. She has shown she can successfully perform academically under these circumstances.

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<p>Well said!</p>

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t seems clear that she should be going to a non-traditional school that has many students who commute and offers both undergrad and graduate courses so that there will be a wide range of students of differing ages and circumstances.

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Almost all state schools fit this description, and they're not exactly "non-traditional." </p>

<p>I like the Catholic school idea except that she may have more trouble finding peers at these schools. Most of these schools are relatively small or located in isolated areas, and none of them are known for having a large number of commuter students or older students. Though it depends on the school, I would worry that she would find herself in a population of students who would judge her negatively for getting pregnant in the first place. Remember that her peers at Catholic colleges are still 18 year old girls who may not yet be beyond petty judgments. She may find more diversity of thought at other schools. It's definitely worth looking into and considering, but I do worry about how the other students as a whole would perceive her, whether that's as a drastic outsider, sinner, or charity case. (I have a lot of experience with Catholic colleges and know countless Notre Dame, Boston College, and Holy Cross alums. Georgetown tends to be less religion heavy, but the area is expensive, as is Boston, of course.)</p>

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<p>We don't know what the personal and financial situations are for the OP. Clearly all of these things need to be weighed. I don't think a commuter school would necessarily be a good choice unless there are overwhelming reasons to stay home. There are many babies and children in some university communities. I went to a small university with a large graduate population, and there family housing was available. There were many young professors, post grads, grad students, law students and undergrads with children. Where she would find herself in a true minority would be at a liberal arts school where there is not that graduate population.</p>

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<p>I actually think that the students at any number of colleges would be more accepting and tolerant than some posters on CC. If a college, such as Smith, can provide support and housing for transgender students, what's the big deal about bringing a child to school? At a women's college, in particular, I think she'd find any number of students who would pitch in with child care on occasion or just play with the little girl. The college age kids that I know are generally very understanding about alternate life styles.</p>

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<p>Oh gosh, Corranged, you might want to tone down that anti-Catholic bias in your post. First of all, there are over 200 Catholic colleges in the US and they are located in 40 states. Plenty of different choices there, both large & small, city or rural. They ALL offer need based financial aid. Their mission is one of charity & service, and it is extremely ignorant to assume Catholic college students would be more likely than students at a secular or non-Catholic institution to look down on a young mom as a sinner or charity case!</p>

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I think she'd find any number of students who would pitch in with child care on occasion or just play with the little girl.

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That may be true, but it would be best not to rely on busy fellow students for help. I think whatever college she chooses has to have some type of formal support system in place, unlike the barrier-filled experiences at W & some of the smaller LAC/women's colleges posted about earlier.</p>