<p>This is really difficult. Can you have a conversation with your S that goes along the lines of: the hardest thing for young people to do is be generous and unselfish enough to let the other fly. Keep saying positive things about her; she’s a nice person and there’s not even a reason to break up with her. The more nice things you say about her, the more likely he is to listen to you about what college choices are about now for both of them. They’re at a major crossroads. </p>
<p>Tell him you feel strongly that every student should grab the very best possible career and educational opportunities as they come along. How wonderful that she got into X school; that’s to be celebrated. Be happy for her; model that. </p>
<p>What he can be asking of her in return is equal joy for him, and encouragement to him to take his best shot. After all, she’s a good, generous, unselfish person…(isn’t she? ask him that). So at this juncture, he can expect the same generosity from her towards him. </p>
<p>Stay silent on whether or not they stay b.f./g.f.; just concentrate on each one taking the best school (base it on rank if you must) for each. If you can move him to understand he should be looking for unselfishness in her right now, he will be aware of what’s happening when she tries to hold him down too hard.</p>
<p>There is no problem if they decide not to break up, keep dating all summer and into next year by long distance. Say that explicitly. This is about something else completely: that every student should always choose the best possible school that accepted them. And love (if that’s what they feel) is very generous. Teach him to see in her that she should be happy for what’s good for him, not just what she wants for herself. He’d do that, if the tables were turned, I’ll bet.</p>
<p>You can also bring out the old saw, that it’s easier for him to transfer to an easier school in a year if he still wants to. Therefore, he should start at the best possible school, since he can’t transfer in the other direction in case they break up. Statistically most h.s. romances do break up after h.s., so imagine how he’d feel if on the safety campus and they broke up; he’d be kind of trapped. Boys don’t usually like the feeling of being trapped; they relish having choices. He should do whatever keeps his options open, which in this case means: register wherever he’d be going if she weren’t in the picture. And then see what happens over the next 16 months.</p>
<p>Much sympathy to you! We went through something similar last year. S and his HS GF applied to many of the same schools, and had similar, although not exactly the same, admission results. Not surprising to us, they ended up choosing the same school. Thank goodness, we thought the school was perfect for S, because S and GF broke up less than a week before school started! </p>
<p>Moral of the story: your son really needs to choose the school he would be happy at if he and GF end up not staying together. That’s got to be hard for him to hear, but he needs to consider it. Tell him that distance does not automatically end a romance, either. My S has several friends who have HS romances that have lasted through freshman year, using daily Skype, texts and occasional visits. It can be done.</p>
<p>I like the idea of talking about specific programs at each of the schools he’s considering. Do any of them have good programs for things he might be very interested in such as unique internships, mentoring, research opportunities, study abroad programs, career services & future alumni networks, etc?</p>
<p>Research more details about those things for a realistic discussion about what he’d be giving up with any decision he makes, just like you normally would. Just make sure you’re really making sure he’s taking it all in. If the girl’s family moved to the other side of the world next week, which college would he really want to attend most? If his answer changes from the college she’s planning to attend, he’s obviously not making his choice based on the one that he really wants. </p>
<p>Don’t call her parents, that just adds more unnecessary drama to the mix. Since she only got accepted to that one college, she’s going there no matter what. If you can’t get him to make a choice that’s not based solely on GF, her parents certainly can’t either. If that’s the choice he makes, just be supportive and help him maximize his college experience and opportunities as much as possible.</p>
<p>Skype is definitely a good option! A young family friend’s gf lives in Switzerland, he takes his laptop to the tennis courts and she watches him coach and play. They visit each other as well, of course, but actually talking and seeing each other every day makes long distance communication easier than in my day. If your son could feel that distance is not the obstacle that it once was perhaps he’d be happier about the separation.</p>
<p>I have a nephew marrying his SO after 8 years together, 2 cohabitating during grad school. This is a relationship started as hs seniors, grown over 4 years of college apart, and in every way a happy healthy union. </p>
<p>S1 dated a great girl until Mom decided there would be no dating as it was “distracting to her goals, he’s a great guy for her, but it just can’t happen now”. This girl is still alone, as are all her siblings who have similarly jettisoned good matches on mom’s insistance. They are all very talented/successful but very much socially connected to their parents, not their peers. </p>
<p>S2 has dated an awesome girl for 2.5 years and they will both be going to the same school. Did that influence their decision? I’m sure it did, and I think they have a right for it to. It didn’t influence their career goals, which is what matters to me. They are quite clearly in it for the long haul and would make that work regardless of location. They make each other better people. </p>
<p>I certainly get the OP’s aggravation, but at some point you just can’t be managing your semi-adult children this way. Even paying tuition doesn’t give you that right, and you’ll only damage YOUR relationship in the process.</p>
<p>If the relationship is meant to last, it will last though long distance…the kids may not understand that now but if you keep repeating it maybe it will sink in. That way, you are not telling them they should break up, just the opposite, stay together and if you can make it work, great, if not, you tried.</p>
<p>Thank you, everyone, for much wonderful advice! It seems clear that the consensus is NOT to call the gf’s parents, so I’ll follow that! We will sit and have a clear, factual discussion about the programs/opportunities available at each of the schools to which he’s been accepted, along with the financial benefits of each of them. We will do our best to leave gf out of the discussion, but if he brings it up as a reason, I like what some have mentioned about talking about how they should each be “generous” to the other and want what’s best for the other. I have talked with him previously about how relationships can last across distance and that no one is saying they should break up. He is young (16, going to be 17), but I know better than to bring that up in conversation with him when discussing HS dating!
So, thanks again to all who had words of encouragement - and best of luck to all of you and your children in your decisions!</p>
<p>“time wasted when the BF and GF are attending the same school is less than time wasted when BF and GF are attending different schools and spend every waking moment texting and calling each other”</p>
<p>Once they’re in college and away from home, one of three things may happen… The adult instinct may kick in and they’ll see the light, one or both will continue to act like it’s high school with dorms and flunk out, or one or both will dump each other and look for someone else. DD1 and her RSAT-approved BF are at the same OOS flagship following option 1.</p>
