<p>Jasmom - I hope to share that nice feeling in two years...can't come soon enough for me. Hands on, I hear that I'm too hands on. Hands off, and we hear the dull thud sound repeatedly. What's a poor parent to do?</p>
<p>Sometimes, though, our kids surprise us. The kid who has to be rousted out of bed during the school year is now at camp. He reports that he is the one rousting his roommate, so that they don't miss 9am lectures. It gives me hope for the fall. :)</p>
<p>Good morning Marite-
You are lucky that your s. is discovering that the world does operate before noon! My s. took that alarm clock for the hearing impaired (that we got him for graduation last year) to camp this summer. It helped... most of the time. His co-counselor told me that one night there was a horriffic storm. All of the kids in the cabin, and he (the co-counselor) were wide awake and frightened. My s. slept through the whole thing.</p>
<p>My s will be living off campus this year, so wont have the luxury of rolling out of bed and staggering to class. And many of his classes are in the morning, with the labs in the afternoon.. Well, I have no intention of placing a wake-up call to him (which he wouldn't hear anyway). So far, he's done very well in school-- I guess he'll figure it out.</p>
<p>I have not yet read the WSJ article, but I can say that my viewpoint toward the college experience is decidedly different from my viewpoint now that D has graduated h.s. I considered myself only appropriately (& rarely) involved in h.s., & even then usually when my D approached me for advice. Sometimes I would take initiative in questioning a teacher about course content, IF my D asked for my advice in planning a particular semester. Since I am a teacher too, those occasional conversations were productive. I've made it a point not to embarrass my children or make them feel uncomfortable about any h.s. involvement that they would consider intrusive.</p>
<p>Now that D is 18, I do consider her legally & psychologically independent enough not to have me take any initiative in her course planning, her college life, etc. I trust her to be able to plan her academic & career future. She has already sought my advice in her freshman yr planning, & may or may not continue to do so. I've made it clear that, should she need any "intervention" on my part during college, I'll be there for her, but I would hope she would not need me, as I trust she'll be able to solve her own problems as they arise. I draw the line when it comes to physical safety & health. If she is endangered or compromised on campus or in the dorms, & has tried to remedy the situation unsuccessfully, I will not apologize for "interfering."</p>
<p>My son IS on the autistic spectrum- he has Asperger's. I am trying desperately to get him more involved in the college selection process, but he has such a fear of new situations that it is difficult for him to contemplate the future in more than teeny little steps forward. He acknowledges that in order to reach his goals, he needs to attend college, and as he is very gifted academically, the actual course work should be no problem for him. He's totally clueless though, when it comes to practical matters, and he would have no idea about how to register for classes, etc. without specific instruction. He's the type of guy who would stay in his dorm room and starve if someone didn't point out the cafeteria and walk him through how to show a mealcard or pay. I'm conflicted as to what to say to admissions people, as we don't want to ruin his chances by having Mommy too involved in the admissions thing, but he obviously needs extra support.</p>
<p>I might add a P.S. to my post about the advisor experience, in my son's following 3 years at school, I did not jump in again. That intitial eye-opener for him that college advisors aren't God and you can stand up for yourself and be resourceful to work it out... it served him well until up to graduation. He always found a way to make things work after that.</p>
<p>
[quote]
Re: the parent who registered for their kid... I suspect we don't know both sides of the story. It is quite possible that this student needed/wanted to get into certain classes, and may have been at a distinct disadvantage if he registered later, when he returned from his travels.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>I'm glad someone else had this reaction. The parent standing in for their child at registration is being taken as the extreme edge of parental over-involvement. But jeez, the kid is off traveling somewhere and obviously doesn't need mommy to negotiate that. Presumably, if he could have attended registration himself, she would not have been there. The fact that he felt comfortable with Mom as his stand-in may reflect greater independance and self-confidance, not less.</p>
<p>Rellielou, I can see your dilemma. Have you considered contacting the Disabled Student Services Office at potential colleges to ask for advice? It's likely that there are support structures in place to assist. You could probably do so anonymously, at least as a first step. How uneasy you must be, knowing the challenges your son will face.</p>
<p>Another supposed example of parental overinvolvement I wondered about:
the orientation meeting where the parents outnumbered the students. Well, Gee whizz, for every kid, there are (usually) two parents. And for freshman orientation, both are likely to show up. Do the math.</p>
<p>texas137-
Thanks. I coudn't agree more. the very fact that this kid was off travelling around speaks to his autonomy. He isn't tied to his mom's apron strings. He (or she) came up with a solution to his registration problem. Speaks to good problem-solving skills, not parental over-involvement.</p>
<p>Rellielou-
In your situation you should absolutely be in touch with the school. I suggest you contact Disability Services and let them help you with the specifics of who whould be involved at your s's school and in what capacity. Your son will need some extra assistance, and he deserves it. He is also eligible for it, as you know. They want him to succeed and thrive as much as you do. I'd email the Disability Svcs offices before school starts and get the ball rolling.</p>
<p>Rellielou-
Oops- I just reread your post and realized your s. is not yet in college. I will do a little checking for you, as I believe I have some info on colleges that are good for students with Aspergers. I'd also check the Asperger's websites and do some checking from that direction. You don't have to tell the colleges in advance about his dx, but you would probably want to select a school that is sensitive to his needs.</p>
<p>Rellielou:</p>
<p>I second Jym's suggestions. Also ask if you can get in touch with his academic advisor and RA to offer tips as to what to look out for. There are a lot of decisions to make at the beginning of the year that are bewildering to the average freshman and can be overwhelming. Could he be linked up with an upperclassmen to walk him through some of the steps? Just a thought.</p>
<br>
<blockquote> <p>Parents just seem to have a lot harder time letting go... and I honestly don't know why that is.<<</p> </blockquote>
<br>
<p>Parenting is different in my generation than it was in my parents' generation. We, as modern parents, are programmed to be more involved with our children, from the very beginning.</p>
<p>Example: In my parents' generation, husbands paced in the waiting room while their anesthesized wives were giving birth. Now, it is no drugs and everybody but the family dog is in the birthing room. </p>
<p>Safety issues lead to more parent involvement. Gone are the days when kids would leave home in the morning to "go out and play" and come back for dinner. Now we have supervised play groups, year-round team sports, "where are you going? who are you going with? when will you be home?".</p>
<p>Being an emotionally distant 1950's parent is seen as bad parenting--now we are involved with our kids more, support them more, go to their soccer games and music programs, talk to them more about what is going on with their lives.</p>
<p>After 18 years of substantial involvement, it is hard to go cold turkey and let the kids "go." I had a hard time when my D went off to college for the first year--I didn't helicopter, but I wasn't a happy camper. It would have been nice to hear from her more. But. . .I think I'll be just fine during this second year.</p>
<p>I also agree that the cost of college is a factor in helicoptering parents. When you pay $40+K, you have high expectations of good service. And if you are not getting it. . .</p>
<p>ENMOP; No, no, no, no................epidurals have taken over. It's changed. In my time, yes, natural childbirths were encouraged and desired. Now, they can't give the spinal fast enough so they can hurry through the delivery.Now, young women do not know the labor pains of childbirth. Three things have changed big time. 1. no pain childbirth 2. planned induced delivery (I've heard because the pre natal vitamins are making the babies larger)3. ultrasounds throughout the pregnancy.They can even tell the weight of the baby from the ultrasounds and plan accordingly with induction for the birthdate. And it's so true about everyone being in the room during labor. There were 6 friends, male and female, in the room during daughter's transition. (spinal drugs of course)Then the doctor came in and said,"everybody out, it's time to push, I'm giving her 2 hours." And baby was born in 45 minutes. Everybody, all 12 of us, were babk in the room in a hour to admire the baby and very worn out mother.</p>
<p>Backhandgrip, it's been 14 years since I last gave birth, so thanks for the info re epidurals. That does seem to be a civilized way of giving birth.</p>
<br>
<blockquote> <ol> <li>ultrasounds throughout the pregnancy.<<</li> </ol> </blockquote>
<br>
<p>Great! Now we can become over-involved when our kids are still in utero!</p>
<p>this is so off topic - but disagree
a good doctor won't allow a mother to schedule delivery
drugs can interfere with strength of labor but not with perception of pain
I was in labor for three days- I had a epidural for part of it, but it wasn't effective and didn't alleviate the pain so that I could have a break- yes I probably should have had a section but my doctor wasn't available and I was too distracted with labor pains to insist that they do a section after they realized there was meconium in fluid and I was far from delivery.
Ultra sounds don't indicate maturity of baby
I had several ultrasounds because I have a bicornate uterus and a high risk pregnancy- however I knew term babies who had lung disease and premies who did not
A lung surfactant test which requires an amino is required to gauge lung maturity</p>
<p>I agree with elleneope
My parents who had both attended university- were totally disinvolved with the kids. Nothing was asked about school, when it was it was very easy to keep them happy by lying as they never particpated in school functions or followed up to see if they were being told the truth.
Counselors in schools were there to check off your minimum requirements and thats it- nothing was said about going to college if you weren't on the college "track". even remember what I particpated in.
On the other hand I have been the parent group cochair, I have been on parent board, hosted auctions, driven carpools, tutored in the classroom, led book groups, donated time and money and energy every week for as long as my kids have been in school.
The contrast is, while I didn't finish high school, my brother had to join the airforce and take 20 years to finish college, my sister just has a high school diploma, my oldest is entering her senior year at a tough college, and her sister is doing well at one of the most academic high schools in the city with a goal of college.
I think parental involvement in our families case made the difference. My kids even at 23 & 15 have a way better relationship with me than I ever had, or do have with my mother.
Growing up with distant parents, and not being able to imagine raising my kids with a handsoff attitude the way that it was done in the 60s makes me not very forgiving at times about the neglect that I saw.
I don't think I over parent, but I try and take the cue from my girls, as I have since they were babies.</p>
<p>Well, Emerald; I agree with you. I think it's all too much. Too much confidence everywhere. But honestly, the docs do seem to have everything under control. I didn't think they could really tell the weight of the baby, but they were right on the mark.Modern medicine is a wonderful thing when used properly. I see both sides of it like Ellemnope, too.</p>
<p>"Parent bouncers"... I love it!</p>
<p>Move-in day is always predictable. The kid is trying to ditch Mom & Dad as quickly as possible, Dad is glancing at his watch pointing out that there's a long drive ahead to get home, and Mom is trying to figure out where to take the kid for dinner after the room is fully cleaned and organized. ;)</p>
<p>Thanks for the support on the aspie front. It can be difficult having an "invisible" challenge such as Asperger's.</p>
<p>Rellielou</p>
<p>Rellielou,</p>
<p>I worked with a group of high school seniors on the spectrum last year--many of them were planning on asking (or having their parents or guidance counselor ask...self-advocacy is hard) for an upperclass student to show them around at first, perhaps attend the first session of classes and talk over the syllabus (suggesting ways to contact the professor if anything seems unclear), attend a few social events, etc. There are a lot of education or psych students interested in work like this, both as a line on their resume and out of basic kindness. Maybe the office of disability services wherever your son ends up could suggest a student or two like this, just for orientation and the first few days of classes.</p>