<p>Emeraldkity4--THREE days in labor?!! That would not happen today, I am sure (at least in lawyer-intensive So Cal). After 18 hours of labor with Baby #1, I was ready to perform my own home-grown C-section (I did wait another 6 hours for the doctor to finish his office hours).</p>
<p>this was only 15 years ago
the joys of being at a teaching hospital with only nurses and residents around
also because of the bicornate uterus it didn't seem that the contractions ( sorry that this is TMI) were very efficent</p>
<p>I was pretty exhausted- but hey!
I lost so much fluid that by the time I came home with her I could fit into my prepregnancy jeans!
( as opposed to when I had her sister- an emercency section after no labor)</p>
<p>Nah. My parents and our friends who had/have childre in college and my friends' parents... none of them were overly involved as far as I know. I do know one parent of a friend who basically dropped her off at our college without sticking around to help her settle in. She just basically left because she felt that her D was too attached to her and wanted her D to be on her own for once. A tad bit harsh, I know, but I could see the mom's point- we had a great time together for 18 years, but now it's time for you to be on your own, you don't need me.</p>
<p>I can't really recall a time where my parents were overinvolved with anything. They're getting a bit overinvolved with my brother in high school now... just don't trust him that's all. Just not a pretty picture.</p>
<p>I like that phrase of the cellphones being the world's longest umbitical cord- exactly how I felt everytime I watch my friends talk to their mothers every single night!</p>
<p>
[quote]
My nephew's friend is going to attend Community College next year. His mother is very overprotective. My sister-in-law told me she is going to take him to the bookstore to buy his books with him, and go around with him to help him find his classes on the first day (he has his own car) To me, this is unbelievable!
[/quote]
</p>
<p>I'm one of the biggest critics of overinvolved parents around, but there are a couple points I want to make that might help some people see things differently:</p>
<p>1) At my community college, it is odd not to see someone bring their parents to register. For some unknown reason, my college does not accept AmEx, so I can't pay using my own credit card, and neither can a lot of students. By bringing my mother -- not having my mother bring me; there's a difference -- it's much easier, because once I'm done registering for my classes, she can tag along with me down to the payment line and use her MC to pay. A lot of fellow students are in this problem, so that's something to think about when criticizing parents who go to registration. There are levels of involvement, and I think most parents are good enough not to cross any lines.</p>
<p>2) My mom has come with me two or three times now to the bookstore. When I went last month to buy my fall books, I had three extremely heavy bags that I couldn't lug on my own (and I still need to go back for more -- yikes). She did stand with me in line when I was receiving my books, and she also had to sign when using her credit card to pay, but otherwise, she wasn't there to be overinvolved -- she was just helping me carry things. Frankly, I can't imagine not having help on book day.</p>
<p>3) My college has a special reception on New Student Orientation day for parents, where they are taken to an entirely different floor of one of our main buildings for their own session. My parents went for that and left shortly after their session ended, but there were some parents sitting right next to their kids in the auditorium where we (our students) had our personal reception. A girl who sat in my aisle not only had her mother with her, but her mother also picks her up every day while waiting inside our main entrance. (My mom picks me up, too, but she waits in the parking lot in her car. Huge difference.) She's a complete social outcast at my college because everyone sees her as a mommy's girl, and I can only say that she's done it to herself, unless there are some special circumstances I'm not privvy to.</p>
<p>4) My mother has dropped something off to a professor for me. For a writing competition we're having this year, I was really sick and couldn't get to campus before deadline. I printed out a campus map for her, gave her my folder, and she dropped it off for me as I'd asked. I think cases like that are totally acceptable.</p>
<p>Aside from that, my parents don't pick my classes, they couldn't name most of my professors, and they only know what I personally tell them about my clubs and other activities. They stay at a reasonable distance and are only there to provide support, and I appreciate that.</p>
<p>
[quote]
"Parent bouncers"... I love it!</p>
<p>Move-in day is always predictable. The kid is trying to ditch Mom & Dad as quickly as possible, Dad is glancing at his watch pointing out that there's a long drive ahead to get home, and Mom is trying to figure out where to take the kid for dinner after the room is fully cleaned and organized.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>Oh god, that describes my freshman move-in experience perfectly. My mother called me 3x a day every day for the first semester checking up on me. She suffered from a horrible case of empty-nest syndrome. I'm a graduate now and she still insists on calling me every day. Poor mom.</p>
<p>Being on my own (and letting go) was probably the best experience for me. I came into school knowing one person and living in an anti-social secluded room without a roommate. I forced myself to be more social, open, and friendly and I grew up and matured quickly. I loathed it at first but it was the best thing to happen to me.</p>
<p>This was an interesting thing to read. One of the things that I've most valued over the past couple of years is that largly I've done everything myself (with the exception of paying for it) when it comes to college. I did all of my own research on the school I wanted to transfer to, I made sure to keep tabs on all my deadlines, and when problems have come up, I've been the one to deal with them....</p>
<p>Now with that said, there were a few times at my CC where I did not feel like waiting in a long line alone and would have my Mom tag along. There have also been a few trips I've had to make to UCLA (other then orientation, I've had to go down there a few times) and I often ask my parents if they want to tag along. I still do all of the talking, and explain the situations to the proper people by myself. I'm happy that I've done a lot of this bymyself, since it's given me the chance to take some personal responsibility for my own life.</p>
<p>Now I do have a question since a few of you are talking about it here. I'm a junior transfer and am moivng into dorms (residental suites if you want to get technical about it) next year. I was actually expceting to have my parents come help me get settled, but after reading some of the things here, is that acceptable? I've already talked to them both and they agree to help me move in, and then be on their way since I don't really feel like a overly emotional moment. But once again, after reading this thread I am starting to wonder if it is normal to have parents help with move in at all. Any feedback would help!</p>
<p>Allen:</p>
<p>It's perfectly okay to have parents help with the move-in. You cannot count on other students being available to help with somewhat bulky or heavy items, and things go much faster if there is someone else to help out. Usually, that someone else is your parents. Don't worry about it.</p>
<p>We began letting go when our son began hs. He did have a good GC, so there was never an issue with course selection or scheduling. We did not offer to help with school work either. I know I took a lot of flack here when I expressed this decision w/r to essays/term papers/research papers, but he became a better writer as a result, even if his grades slipped a bit.</p>
<p>College was the same. For Student Orientation, where he was introduced to the institute's computer system, library system and where he met with his advisor and registered for first semester classes, we dropped him off at the assigned time, said our goodbyes and headed off for two days in Vermont. He didnt have that "deer caught in the headlights" expression as we left and he had a good time with a group of frosh to be that evening-an awesome ultimate frisbee game we were told.</p>
<p>Same for the 5 day FYE events immediately prior to classes, the drop off and goodbyes. The only thing we did do was to help him set up his bank account(including showing him how to write a check!!) and to help him buy his first term books(how to find the assigned texts, look for used first, decide whether or not to buy optional books). $550 later they were in his room. </p>
<p>As a result he has grown up to be quite independent. Though he has a cell phone, he rarely called and never called to complain about a problem or ask for advice. He worked out a tenative 4 year academic plan with his advisors because he is in a special interdisciplinary program which involves a dual compsci/cog sci major and he wants to take a stab at a triple compsci/psych/philosophy major so the scheduling is extremely important as all courses are not offered every term or even every year.</p>
<p>We have made him be financially responsible for everything except his room/board/medical costs, informing him of that decision as a hs junior.</p>
<p>When he decided to pledge a fraternity frosh year, we questioned that decision but bit our tongues. He eventually decided frat life was a bit too structured for his style(DD assignments, Sat house cleanup chores, mandatory pledge/house meetings, etc).</p>
<p>We love our son dearly, but decided that our hands off approach would serve him well in life. Fortunately for us it has worked. He has made some mistakes along the way(one drinking episode, $350 in various tickets this summer) but he is learning from these mistakes. He is fiercely independent, did well academically first year, made many good friends, loved his weekend road trips, was anxious to move off campus after frosh year, and has informed us that he wants to apply for an internship that will keep him in Troy next summer.</p>
<p>We have a pretty "hands-off" policy with regard to calling profs and admin with D who will be a jr. This has not been without trials-and we haven't called-yet. That is not to say we have not been pretty directive.."Make an appt with your advisor and ask these questions...."("Are you writing them down?") I have a close friend who has had the same policy with S and due to privacy rules and such they have never received grade reports, etc. They have come to find that S has dropped 4-5 courses over the past 3 years and he is a full semester behind. S is somewhat contrite but loves to party, frat house, etc. My friend is beside herself. They have another at college, a third child who is a sr in HS. Did I mention they are at private colleges. they made a appt to see his advisor and work out a "plan". If he takes these courses(full 5 course load), this course during Dec term and these courses(full 5 course load), and summer school next summer, he can graduate. If he "falls off the wagon", it's CC. I suggested that he be responsible to paying the "extra" for the semester he "dropped". Parents have been footing all related bills. Do you think this is overinvolved?</p>
<p>I've been trying to convince my two kids' schools (both small independent schools) to provide an "adjusting to college" curriculum for those last days/weeks of senior year -- after everyone has taken APs and is just sitting around waiting for the year to end.</p>
<p>The curriculum could include setting up a checking account & writing checks, budgeting, getting along with roommates, time management, all these tasty little chores that aren't included in the $40K college price tag.</p>
<p>I think this relates to the "too involved" as follows: with our daughter (now entering 2nd year of college), we tried to have "what situations might come up," "what skills do you think you will need + have to develop" conversations in the year BEFORE college.</p>
<p>I think if both parent AND student can see this as a "skills development" situation, both can role-play their way through many circumstances, and identify where parental "presence" is actually needed (setting up a bank account with parent funds, for example). Then the parents' accompanying "Junior" to the bank won't feel like hovering but an agreed-upon event.</p>
<p>It's sad but true that for all these "hovered-upon" kids, they won't have the skills they need until they do it themselves. However, I think there's a happy medium beween doing it all and sink-or-swim: the "let's talk about what might happen" approach seems to work pretty well for us.</p>
<p>I don't really have the option of helicoptering. We've got four children so someone has to stay behind and run the three ring circus at home during the school year. </p>
<p>My husband flew out with our oldest last year so he could rent a car and pick up some of the items we didn't want to mail. He was on campus less than 24 hours and had nothing to do with registration. (We did chat about the seminars available over the summer, but he registered himself.) My son checked himself out at the end of the year. He'll go by himself in two weeks to start his soph year. He's already registered for classes. I've never spoken to one of his professors.</p>
<p>My second will fly out with my husband in early September to get situated. Same deal...rent a car, pick up bulky items. My husband will be flying out the next day. He will also be checking out on his own. </p>
<p>This does not mean we don't maintain an interest in their studies, and what they are doing. And of course we get part of the bill. I don't think any parent should be expected to foot part of the bill, and then get lost entirely. There is a difference between showing interest, and running the show.</p>
<p>I was in a hurry and didn't have time to read all of the posts, so I am sorry if this has already been stated.</p>
<p>When I went to college 25 years ago, I attended an out-of-state school and my parents could not afford to drive me, but I actually thought it was nice that other kids' parents helped them bring their things, get settled in, etc. </p>
<p>I see some posts from students who are worried that having their parents around will look bad. I completely disagree with this worry, and furthermore think that anyone who is critical of another who has their parents help them get settled in, pay for books, etc. should mind their own business.</p>
<p>On the other hand, when parents try "schmoozing" (however you spell it) with the admissions reps, or faculty, etc., I feel embarassed for the kids. That would be like bringing your mom for a job interview. Through all four years of undergrad, I never once thought badly of anyone whose parents came to visit, brought them things, etc. But I have heard that admissions offices at grad schools, law schools, etc. may even reject candidates whose parents are involved with the application process. Helping them buy furniture or books is OK. Trying to impress school officials for them doesn't seem to be acceptable.</p>
<br>
<blockquote> <p>I was actually expecting to have my parents come help me get settled, but after reading some of the things here, is that acceptable? I've already talked to them both and they agree to help me move in, and then be on their way since I don't really feel like a overly emotional moment.<<</p> </blockquote>
<br>
<p>Oh, at least have a meal with them. Then your parents won't feel like hired help.</p>
<p>
[quote]
...anyone who is critical of another who has their parents help them get settled in, pay for books, etc. should mind their own business.
[/quote]
Yes. Differentiation definitely needs to be made between helicoper parents and those offering welcomed "settling in" support and encouragement, a bit of a send-off.<br>
[quote]
He didnt have that "deer caught in the headlights" expression as we left and he had a good time with a group of frosh to be that evening
[/quote]
Glad things went so smoothly for him.</p>
<p>My D (only child) and I are very close. We have a mutual respect and enjoy each other. While I realize that this bond will change when she attends university, I'm think the bond will grow stronger. </p>
<p>Now I know that we must keep this mutual caring/sharing under the radar. I don't want her labeled a "Mommy's girl". Kids at her high school call us the "Gilmore Girls" because our relationship resembles the Mom and "Rory". When things happen in her life, I receive the 1st phone call.</p>
<p>Not sure how this will change, but we are both independent and understand that it is about growth and maturity. I will follow her lead.</p>
<p>Here's something that was sent to me by one of my professional colleagues. I am still looking for the other info I had on colleges that were good for Aspie kids.
"There is a private program called The College Living Experience, Inc. in Fort Lauderdale. They specialize in giving young people with learning problems and milder PDD-spectrum disorders the support they need (e.g., intensive tutoring, life skills training, social skills, computer training, and more) to get through college or vocational training...The program has close ties with local colleges and technical and vocational schools, including Broward Community College, which can help greatly when academic or other problems arise."</p>
<p>With number 2 going off this fall and being a community college professor and advisor I see a lot of both sides. Fundamentally if your child isn't ready to deal with course selections, bookstore, bank accounts etc they aren't ready to be away at college. On the other hand the biggest advantage most of the children oc CCers have is that their parents have been to college and can help them through the process. The key, I think, is to give them that advice before they get to school. I have suggested my D sit down with the catalog and course schedule and set up a Plan A and a Plan B. Get an idea of what 4 years of classes might be. It's a process she is familiar with since whe did it in hs. That way when she talks to the advisor she has something to say.</p>
<p>As to the S who was traveling so mom had to register for him, were these dates unknown ahead of time? Leaving this process to mom indicates, to me, that he doesn't care all that much about it. After all we all know that as a freshman it is difficult to get the exact classes and schedule you might want. Would you want your mom to make the decision as to which elective to take instead of the one you planned?</p>
<p>I moved my D in at Brown the summer she was a rising junior. She got herself home to Texas. The summer she was a rising senior, she flew up on her own. She managed to get to H and Y admitted students weekends on her own as well. She has informed me that I will go with her to move into H in Sept. I'll stay for the parents reception Sunday and be home Sunday night.</p>
<p>
[quote]
As to the S who was traveling so mom had to register for him, were these dates unknown ahead of time? Leaving this process to mom indicates, to me, that he doesn't care all that much about it. After all we all know that as a freshman it is difficult to get the exact classes and schedule you might want
[/quote]
I don't think this statement is fair. First of all, nowhere does it say that this student is a freshman. All it says is that the mom showed up to register for her son and meet with his advisor. It is quite possible that this student is an upper classman, and all the mom did was show up and register for the classes that he selected, and convey some info to the advisor. It doesn't say she picked his classes for him. She was just a stand-in, I believe. I'd imagine he gave her an idea of what classes he'd want as back-ups should he not get into what he wanted. And then, there's always the drop/add period to work out any scheduling glitches. Very creative problem-solving.</p>
<p>Secondly, the article was written on July 29, and it says that registration was the week before. Geez, registration in mid-July? Thats the middle of the summer. Many summer programs (such as one he might be travelling with) are in full swing in mud July. To expect a student to be home and/or on campus at Cal Poly (San Louis Obisbo) in the middle of the summer seems a bit unreasonable to me. Their strategy seems perfectly practical to me-- let the kid travel and let the mom show up to register for classes, if registration can't be done on line. Why should he have to sacrifice his travel plans? I don't think it implies that he isn't interested in his education. Just the opposite. He worked to come up with a solution to do both. If he didn't care, he could have just registered late, when he returned. He didn't choose that route.</p>
<p>At a local university in my hometown, registration is done online. You have to try to log on as soon as the time allows, to get the classes you want. I know of several students who have their friends/parents/roommates do it for them if they aren't able to get to the computer right at that time (eg if they are at work and can't log on). So, its done behind the scenes all the time. Why then is such a big deal made of it when the school requires someone to show up in person to register? That is what seems unreasonable to me.</p>
<p>jym626</p>
<p>If he was a returning student he would typically have registered for classes before the end of the spring semester. I don't know of any school where that isn't true. So as a freshman his first responsibility is to his schooling. Most large schools, like Cal Poly, schedule a number of freshman registration/orientation sessions throughout the summer. Sometimes you select your date sometimes they are assigned but unless he was traveling with some important academic goal that should have been a high priority. There was nothing said about any "program" that he was traveling with merely that he was away. To me it seems much more likely that registration conflicted with vacation. The issue with having someone else register for you is that it rarely goes according to plan for a freshman. Upper class students are a different story, they register earlier and tend to know exactly what classes they need with much more limited choices. Putting together a freshman schedule is more like a jigsaw puzzle without a picture and mutiple solutions. The only section of Anthro 101 that is open conflicts with the Econ 110 class that you wanted because your best friend said the teacher is awesome, the history class you chose has been cancelled..... This is the reality the plan is only a guide and the kid should be there, it's their education. </p>
<p>When you can do it online you can usually change it online too. But freshman that take this approach at our school, where it is available too, usually end up with a mess. They don't take the classes they need and they take classes that don't meet their requirements. The registration process is also the first chance to review your degreee choice and the course requirements. Advisors often are assigned based on your interests or they will connect you with the professors you need to know. It is also an opportunity to learn more about your program or classes. He might have changed his mind about a choice if he had met with the advisor and learned more about it. But whatever happened he should be making the decisions not his mom.</p>