Comment on my essay - in real test

<p>It is the international essay prompt in the January 28 test, and the following is what I really wrote in the real test without changing a single word. I only want to see whether the score given is really that objective regardless of the tastes and criteria of different readers.</p>

<p>ESSAY PROMPT
We almost always tend to treat people on the basis of what they have done: the star athlete is recognized and rewarded with a college scholarship, while the lawbreaker is prosecuted and punished. But our past deeds provide only a partial measure of our real worth as human beings. We should be treated according to what we are capable of accomplishing, regardless of what we may or may not have actually done.</p>

<p>ASSIGNMENT:
Should people be treated according to what they are capable of achieving instead of what they have actually done? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.</p>

<p>Every societal structure in the history of humankind 'discriminates', in the economic term, winners and losers of resource allocation. For instance, the medieval society allocates resources and power according to lineage ancestry for then the classes were immobile. For modern capitalist society, the ubiquitous social form prevailing in the contemporary world, it depends on wealth, and ultimately, ability. The superiority of societal structure depends on resource allocation criteria, one of which is to whether allocate resources to people capable of doing something or to people potentially capable of accomplishing something. My answer is indubitably the former. </p>

<p>The exemplary example is already omniscient around us - the market economy. The currency of power, money, that people are in hold of are earned by perspiration and personal effort. It reflects what people have actually done. The Hong Kong industrialist Li Ka Shing was an entrepreneur who worked in the field of textile industry in the 1960s. By incessant working and clairvoyant vision, he successfully became the richest man in Asia. Obviously, he is driven by the incentive mechanism of market economy in order to earn the currency of power. And this incentive system encourages people to work for fame and success. In a social system that measures success by what one is capable of doing is tantamount to ruling out the factor of laborious work. It discourages people to showcase their real potentials and impedes the progress of productivity and advance of civilization.</p>

<p>The antithetical example that I would like to cite is the totalitarian communist DPRK regime. The rulers, the Kim's clan, crown themselves as the supreme leaders, the brain of the state by claiming the superiority of the leaders in their genes. They indoctrinate the people of DPRK that they are the unchallenged, supreme deity, by creating myths of the leaders that they are capable of doing something that mortals are incapable of doing. Like, writing nearly thousand operas in three years. The emphasis of someone is capable of doing something is an act to deify him, a maneuver to consolidate the regime. It also discourages the people to work laboriously to fill the gap between them and 'heaven-born' geniuses. Hence, people ought to be treated according to what they have actually done to eradicate 'lineage stereotypes' and provide incentives for social progress. </p>

<p>What's the score you will give if you're the marker?</p>

<p>I had to re-read your essay 5-6 times before I finally got the thesis, which is that people should be judged on what they have actually accomplished, not on what they can do.</p>

<p>Your essay was probably marked poorly or below your expectations because of the recondite introduction. I haven’t even started to decipher your examples.</p>

<p>My bet is that this essay was probably awarded a really high score(probably 11-12). This is a fairly well written essay, though it doesn’t quite follow the “common SAT style writing”. However, I personally dislike your writing style. You have this writing style that makes everything sound so “grand”.</p>

<p>Probably a high score. And that “grand” style, using as many “big” words as possible, seems to be what SAT readers want. Unfortunately.</p>

<p>I actually would guess that this received a 6.
A 3 from each reader. Your grammar is very lacking and it is blatantly obvious that you are writing ostentatiously to include words that have simpler, clearer, and more appropriate alternatives.
Idk, maybe I am being harsh.
I thought my essay sounded highfalutin, and it was nowhere near this bad.</p>

<p>How long did it take each of you guys to read and understand his paper? I’m concerned that this essay may have been marked down because it definitely took me a long time to get at what he was saying.</p>

<p>On the other hand, this essay could have scored very well, given the vocabulary and perhaps the style. The style doesn’t resonate with me though.</p>

<p>I actually received a 12 for this essay. Indeed I was very flabbergasted when I saw my score. It was this score that made me to believe deeply that grandiloquence and number of words rule in SAT essay. I did not even spend a second to plan this essay and my goal in the 25 minutes was to fill the two paper completely. This writing style doesn’t even resonate with myself, I was only to match the taste of SAT readers.
Still, I thought my essay sucked and I would get the worst essay score ever after I finished the essay. After I saw my score, I decided to put it here to see how ‘objective’ is this score.
I guessed the SAT readers did not even actually understand what I intended to express for my paper seemed so ‘abysmal’ to you guys. A 12 for grand style and showing off of vocabulary, it is the criterion of marking the SAT essay.</p>

<p>8 or thereabouts. Thinking is good, but execution is rough–lots of misused words, lots of preposition and usage errors, excessive “philosophizing” rather than getting to concrete support.</p>

<p>Goes to show that “flashy” or stilted writing doesn’t hurt on this test haha.</p>

<p>This is just one essay. The real question is whether a essay like this (pompous style and diction) can consistently score 12s. </p>

<p>I wouldn’t purposely write with a “grand style,” but using big vocab words is a definite score-booster, along with filling up the two pages. I suppose the style may have given this essay the facade of erudition. Anyway, great job on the 12 :)!</p>

<p>I’ve seen in other essays that SAT level vocab and page length matters a lot but its interesting that this essay has a long intro (as opposed to some of those standard 2 sentence ones), and doesn’t really have a separate conclusion paragraph - well, its combined in the last body paragraph but you know what I mean.</p>

<p>How many examples do you guys normally use in your SAT essays? Should the emphasis be on cranking out length and big words like warsorverign did or will this approach possibly backfire?</p>