<p>Horseback riding has been a part of my life since I was seven years old. When I first started riding I rode for pleasure, but once I got the basics down I wanted to accomplish something greater from all those Saturday lessons, so I moved to a show barn. My first lesson, with a notoriously onerous pony and trainer, was so exhausting that I contemplated falling off. However, after countless hours of no stirrups and unrelenting commands from Joe, I became the passionate rider and person that I am today. I learned to push myself beyond my limits even when my face was beet red from the heat, I had bleeding blisters on my hands, and every part of my body ached from hitting the ground, or jumps, too many times. Riding taught me to deal with unpredictable events and to have determination, even after falling off three times in one round. Horseback riding is more than a sport; it is a passion that pushes me to succeed at even the most absurd tasks in and out of the ring.</p>
<p>please comment!!</p>
<p>I am doing the common app myself, so take my advice with a grain of salt.</p>
<p>The second sentence contains too many disparate elements for my taste, cut it into smaller pieces.
“However, after countless hours of no stirrups and unrelenting commands from Joe” This is a bit awkward, how about “However, countless hours of riding without stirrups and taking unrelenting commands from Joe(might want to say who joe is) made me the passionate rider…”
“ground, or jumps, too many times” Personally, the “or jumps” disrupts the flow, take that as you will.
“most absurd tasks in and out of the ring.” Again personal preference here, but I do not like the way this sounds.</p>
<p>Overall you have an excellent story to be told, but I think the style could use some cleaning up. That said, I am a high school senior, not a cop. Do whatever you would like.</p>
<p>Thanks for your help. How would you suggest I fix the second sentence?</p>
<p>“I started riding for pleasure but soon wanted more. I quickly moved from casual saturday lessons to a competitive show barn.”</p>
<p>I do not know if that is even accurate for your situation, but it gives you an idea of what I mean.</p>