Critique on Common App Short Answer

Applying to College Common and Coalition Application
1

<p>I'm submitting my common app soon and wanted to know how my short answer sounds and what I need to fix. Thank you!</p>

<p>There is no such thing as perfection in horse-back riding. Failing is an acceptable part of this sport, and in my 10 years in riding horses, I have lost more competitions than I’ve won. Losing doesn’t affect me, for it only makes me want to put in more time and concentrate harder. Even if I don’t hear my name being called as a winner, I smile and pat my horse, knowing we both did a great job and had fun. I have been in many dangerous situations, such as being trampled, bucked off, and stepped on, but I knew I had to work past it and take the time to recreate the trust between my horse and I. It’s not about getting on a horse and riding until they get it right, but having a bond with each other and working as a team. Equestrian riding is an intimidating sport, and requires determination. Hours of training, sore legs, falls and even broken bones have made me a stronger rider and haven’t stopped me from giving up on my teammate, my horse.</p>

2

<p>Good I liked it. Hold on for my grammatical corrections!</p>

3

<p>This reminded me of the horseback riding essay from ask.com
Take a look:
I don’t ride for blue ribbons or Olympic golds, although I respect and admire those chosen few who do. I don’t ride for the workout, although my trembling muscles at the end of a good lesson indicate otherwise. I don’t ride because I have anything to prove, although I’ve proven a lot to myself along the way.</p>

<p>I ride for the feeling of two individual beings becoming one, so perfectly matched that it’s impossible to tell where rider ends and horse begins. I ride to feel the staccato beat of hooves against dirt echoed in the rhythm of my own heart. I ride because it isn’t easy to navigate a creature with a mind of its own around a course of solid obstacles, but in that perfect moment when horse and rider work as one, it can be the easiest thing in the world. I ride for an affectionate nose nudging my shoulder as I turn to leave, searching for a treat or a pat or murmured words of praise. I ride for myself, but for my horse as well, my partner and my equal.</p>

<p>You have similarly great ideas and I can definitely see your passion. Only suggesion is to make it more articulate and delicate like one above.</p>

4

<p>The flow is very choppy, you should try reading aloud to edit and get a better flow to it since it sounds super robotic</p>