<p>I think you should gently remind your D that a lot of her angst is about things that won’t be fixed by coming home. Part of why she’s hurting is the break-up. It’s lousy timing but it won’t be solved by going to a CC. Going to a CC isn’t going to make her mom move back to your hometown. Going to the CC won’t be like going to another year of high school–a lot of her friends won’t be around because they are off to college and a lot of the CC students are older and will be busy with families and jobs and won’t have time to socialize. </p>
<p>So, there will be some adjusting to do no matter what she does. And, by going to the 4 year old school now, she has the chance to make friends who will be around the next 4 years. If she goes to a CC, she’s going to have to go all through the whole process of looking at schools, applying and moving in less than 2 years. It will be harder to make friends with classmates at that point because most won’t be transfers and they will already have friends.</p>
<p>Thanks everyone, I’ve txted and talked to her a couple of times today. Part of this is she is having trouble understanding the “rules” and hasn’t made the connection to the fact that she is enabled to make choices.</p>
<p>Her mom and I reminded her that she has a car, and is only 40 miles away, if she wants to drive home and step out of the “fire” and recharge for a while she can choose to do so…or drive the other direction for 50 miles and visit the beach for a few hours, she said… “is that allowed?, I don’t know the rules here, don’t I have to be in my room at bed time?”</p>
<p>I have tried to make her understand that she’s free to come and go, to make these choices for herself, but I don’t think she REALLY grasps that yet. I reminded her that the Door key on her dorm works 24/7. It’s almost like a Prisoner who has just been released after 18 years, and doesn’t know it’s ok to open his own door. I got her to agree to visit the counseling office to talk about her depression, she said she will when it opens Monday.</p>
<p>In reference to community colleges: first, I’d have been thrilled if my son woulda chose ours, simply due to his saving lots of money. The flip side of that is, so many kids start out there and are disillusioned by it, and I’ve known so many to transfer by the second semester. </p>
<p>Sometimes I remind my son about something I read about NASA a long time ago. It says they never use the term ‘failure’. They have ‘false starts’. So even if your daughter is having a rocky college start, whatever the outcome, she has the wonderful, wonderful advantage of YOUTH on her side, and will eventually figure things out. Tho I know it’s hard on you as a parent.</p>
<p>On the subject of anxiety: my son was fine transferring to a better high school in 10th grade. He made a good transfer to college (it’s an hour away, like your daughter’s). Top of the class kid, dean’s list. </p>
<p>YET, he experienced anxiety when he began working in the ‘real world’. I have no idea why. He had a job at the cinema last year (before any shooting, mind you) and this year he worked at a sporting goods store. The anxiety was bad enough that I suggested he get medication to help. I was diagnosed last year with breast cancer and had bad anxiety and began taking a medicine called buspar. It is non-addicting, doesn’t change my personality, doesn’t make me sleepy. It gave me my life back. My son got his own prescription and it helped him as well. It took about a month before he had almost no anxiety about work. I had a very wise person tell me that to address the anxiety issue with my son and get him some help would be the best thing I could do. Rather than act like it wasn’t real or important.</p>
<p>I know this is upsetting, but don’t let her give up now. My daughter was agonizingly homesick her first few months of college. She would call me sobbing and beg to come home. I always stayed positive and told her it was normal to feel homesick and that she would be fine. I suggested she visit the college counselor, which she did, and it helped.</p>
<p>Fast forward…she is now a senior in college. She laughs when we talk about her behavior during her first weeks of school. She ended up getting involved in school and has had a tremendous time. She even went on study abroad for a semester without knowing another single person in the program. She said it was the best experience of her life. She thanks me for not letting her quit school and run home like she wanted to do.</p>
<p>Many new students are feeling sad and homesick right now. Just stay positive and encouraging with her. She can do this!!</p>
<p>I’m sorry concerneddad, it’s so hard as a parent to know that your child is having a hard time.<br>
You could try calling the RA, and asking her to check in on your D - let her know that she needs a little encouragement. They’re used to that at the beginning and can be great at being someone out of their shell.
And try encouraging your D to go down the hall and walk into an open room - ask if she can join them/ go to dinner with them, etc. The first effort is to make friends with the roommate, but if that isn’t working, she needs to find another welcoming face. (I remember my own freshman year - my roomie was not the friendliest person, and I had to seek out a group of kids on my hall - they’re my friends to this day.)</p>
<p>I think, you are handling the situation like any other concerned parent. It is not very uncommon to find kids taking time to adjust into a new environment. I am sure, over a period of time, she will handle it well and get into the campus life. </p>
<p>Visiting on-campus,Counselling Centers, could be a good option for your daughter.In the meanwhile, you may request her mother to drop by and spend a weekend with her.</p>
<p>Zebradad, Sounds like your daughter has a wonderfully supportive Dad and that is important. As all the other posters have said, your D is going through major life changes and has had some pretty big upheavals-disappointments in the past few weeks. Change is scary but a lot of kids go through this. Our D had a hard time adjusting the first few months of college last year and by parents weekend, told us she had made a mistake and wanted to reapply and start over, didn’t feel like she was connecting, was not best friends with roommates, was having trouble finding her place. “everybody loves it here and I just think its OK” We encouraged her to wait it out till Christmas Break and she finished the year. Fast forward to this weekend when we dropped her off for sophomore year and she is a different person, loves everything about the school and is feeling confident in the things she is doing. Try your hardest to support your daughter without bringing her home she is close enough that she can come home if needed but remember when she is home she is missing the little opportunities to connect. Counseling sounds like a good start. Best of luck to you, I know how stressful it is to us as parents but also remember that our kids often use us a a venting platform, unload all their stress and anxiety on us and then after they have unloaded move on and face the day…its all good as it helps them but makes us all a little crazier!</p>
<p>Zebradad–I had a conversation with some friends this weekend and we were discussing how our kids that are seniors in high school “ask” to do things. They are of the opinion that their children need to ask to do pretty much everything, we are of the opinion that our children need to let us know what they are doing. I think that subtle difference can really make a difference when they go off to college. I don’t know that we made a conscious decision to “think” that way but more that the kids have been trustworthy up to now and we don’t really think they need to “ask permission” to go to their friend’s house. When our older ones went off to college we talked with the parents of their roommates, exchanged cell phone numbers and told the kids that it’s a good idea if they let each other know if they would not be around for the evening or whatever, just so someone knew where they were. We asked the kids that if the roommate didn’t come home and they didn’t know where they were to call the parents. We haven’t had to do that but it’s just considerate so someone isn’t wondering where you are. Maybe explain to her that while she doesn’t have to ask to go anywhere, letting her roommate know if she is going to be gone is a good idea.</p>
<p>I would also suggest that she NOT come home for at least 3 weeks or more, unless it is REALLY bad. Being so close to home, it will be too easy for her to not get involved at school if you give her permission to run home whenever she wants. It’s hard but it is part of growing up. We were discussing this with the same friends, who’s oldest is in grad school and is away from home for the first time, went to college in their hometown. She is having a VERY difficult time adjusting. Better when they are college freshman then working their first job I think.</p>
<p>I don’t know that I exactly disagree with any of the advice above. However, this situation concerns me because it’s not just the normal jitters or even last-minute panic of a student who wanted to go to college. This student feels like she was forced to go to college, despite not wanting to and having very high anxiety about doing so. To make matters worse, two of her most important support people (her mother and boyfriend) “abandoned” her – one through a breakup, one through a move far away. Her anxiety is continuing to such a level that she feels incapable of making basic decisions, like where to go, what time to be in, etc.</p>
<p>She may well be feeling like someone who, under pressure, married someone she didn’t love, is lost, feels out of control, wants out, but risks losing the support of a parent (in this case, financial support from a mother) if she leaves. Some marriages like this work out in the end, others don’t.</p>
<p>zebradad – From what you say, I think you are doing a great job of supporting her under very trying circumstances. You are her rock right now. Please continue to encourage her to get counseling. Reassure her that you are not going to move away. Encourage her to stay at college, but if things aren’t working out and/or she shows any signs of self-destructive behavior, bring her home and let her go to community college. About the child support: Will community college count as “school”? It is just as legitimate a way to pursue a degree as going straight to college.</p>
<p>Best wishes to you both. I hope that your daughter ends up loving college, but if not, you will be there to help her. She may just need a year or two to regroup.</p>