I wouldnt let my daughters live away from home if they truly couldnt handle this. They received male attention, including on planes, buses, etc, when in high school. They handled it with a firm no thank you, regardless of who it was from. This is a basic life skill, best acquired by puberty. They certainly had mastered it by 18. I can understand parents guiding the woman, but it really is clear what she wants to do, and it isnt that hard.
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I agree but not everyone is built like that.
Why not tell his daughter if it was an honest gift?
Remember this creeperâŠ
https://www.washingtonpost.com/crime-law/2020/02/12/he-moved-into-his-daughters-dorm-targeted-her-roommates-sex-trafficking-prosecutors-say/
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Yes, very different case. If he moved into dorm space, the school needs to kick him out asap.
The fact that the father asked her to not tell his daughter is a red flag that he considers this potential relationship to be inappropriate, which is why I think others have raised the concern re: grooming. I would have her send the bracelet back certified mail with a polite note (keep a copy of the note and keep the receipts from the certified mail process).
And I would definitely request a change of residence, based on the above. Again, his asking her not to tell the roommate is what should elevats this to a matter of concern â that plus the fact that he is decades older than her, and is frequently on campus, presumably in some official capacity, based on the original (unedited) post. He may even have a key to the room/apartment based on his daughterâs living there, possibly without his daughterâs knowledge.
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While I think this thread has all the hallmarks if a hit-and-run posting, people are still allowed to share their advice that said, give your suggestions and move on. We neither need nor want back and forth debate. Any further posts in that vein are subject to deletion without notice or comment.
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Our 26 year old daughter just called H yesterday, she is a COA by day and a performer on nights and weekends (sometimes with H). An older adult male has been coming to all of her performances and contacted her on social media, just tried to give her expensive concert tickets. She called asking for advice. We will advise her, but legally there isnât any action to be taken.
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Yes, this was my point also. Plus a bracelet is more of an intimate gift. Get a gift card from Starbucks or the like. A bracelet?? Plus an expensive one.
What makes this situation a little different from just typical âunwanted make attentionâ is that this is a friendâs parent. If this were my daughter this would be hard for her because sheâs be taught to be polite to adults and the parents of her friends. So, if one of her friendâs fathers gave her a gift she would initially feel obliged to accept it and say thank you. Teaching our girls to be polite and nice is great when they are little but can sometimes get girls into uncomfortable - and possibly dangerous - situations as they get older. While itâs possible this student would have no problem drawing a line and setting boundaries with a student her age (though she might, itâs can be a hard skill to learn), a parent of a friend makes this harder.
I think you have an opportunity here to teach your daughter a few things. First, listening to her gut is important. If this man makes her uncomfortable, there is probably a reason for this and she should listen to it. And itâs OK to listen to it. Second, she does not always have to be polite and nice. If someone does something that makes her uncomfortable she can, and should, say so. In this case, returning the bracelet is appropriate. I think itâs fair for her to say she is not comfortable with accepting such an expensive gift and she is also uncomfortable keeping a secret from her friend. And ask that he respect that in the future and that he not get her other gifts or give her any special attention. Third, if he makes her uncomfortable she needs to think about how she will protect herself from him in the future. It sounds like she needs to avoid being around him, especially alone. Does your daughter have any other friends she can confide in about this situation who can âhave her backâ so to speak when heâs around? Someone who can stick to her like glue so she does not have to be around him alone? A male friend would probably be most effective but female is fine too.
This sounds like a man who has decided there is a potential for a relationship with your daughter. Hopefully itâs just harmless and heâll leave her alone when he realizes his feelings arenât reciprocated. BUT, I would probably make sure the Dean of Students (or someone similar) was aware of the situation in case his behavior becomes more inappropriate and/or he starts to bother someone else. The school is not some sort of dating pool for a creepy father. I donât know if there is much the school can do but they should be able to support your daughter and give her advice.
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But an older man giving an expensive gift to a younger woman is not illegal, and heâs not employed by the university, itâs not like sheâs a minor at summer camp being given gifts from her camp counselor.
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He gave the bracelet to her. It is hers to do with as she wishes. She is welcome to return the bracelet if she wants, or she could go sell it somewhere and pocket the $2500, or give it to the roommate, but bear in mind this is unlikely to be the first time her creeper dad has done something like this with one of her friends. He mightâve even abused the roommate, but more likely has just made inappropriate comments with all her high school friends and made them feel uncomfortable. (I had a friend in high school whose dad was an alcoholic and he made unwelcome comments to me.) If she keeps the bracelet he will probably feel like she has accepted his offer of whatever and may feel like he has some kind of hold over her, so I would try to return it.
I would also suggest maybe sideways mention it to the roommate. Instead of âyour dad is a creep and gave me this bracelet and I donât want it or his creepy advancesâ which is guaranteed to make the roommate embarrassed and defensive, maybe something like âyour dad gave this to me, he told me not to tell you, but I canât possibly acceptâ, which letâs her know her dad is being a creep again w/o sabotaging the roommate relationship. I think you have to tell the roommate unless she doesnât want to live with her any more. Thatâs too much to keep secret between two people sharing such a small space.
If you feel the need to report it to someone official you might have her try going to the counseling office and talk to them. Thereâs nothing here to really report to the administration yet.
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I would most definitely report this to campus security and the police. Not for the purpose of filing a complaint but fir the purpose of providing information - particularly for campus security - so that they can add this information to anything else they have about this individual to see if there is a pattern.
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If these were two adults with equal power I might be more inclined to agree with you. But they are not. A middle aged, succesful, more worldly, more connected man is in a different position than an almost certainly more naive, unsophisticated, unsure-of-herself teenager.
I agree no crime has been committed. That doesnât mean its a bad thing to put the school, man, and his daughter/family on notice as to his actions.
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But there is nothing illegal. My 19 year old was repeatedly asked out to dinner by a customer in his 60âs. She was concerned because sheâs a cashier at a garden center, outside, and she is usually left to close up. She told her manager who told her to let him know if he came in again. She ended up going back to college a week later, but basically all her manager could do was tell the man to leave her alone. Unfortunately pretty much every woman deals with unwanted advances. I think the roommate should definitely be informed
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While I understand and find both âsidesâ arguments persuasive, I think the imbalance of power stems additionally from both his request for âconfidentialityâ and his âaccessâ given the daughter roommate dynamic.
If it were my daughter I simply wouldnât care about anything but her comfort and well being. With that in mind I would have her return the gift, contact housing requesting a roommate change, document with the school the reason for the request and tell the roommate the circumstances. In other words shift the balance of power and remove my loved one from the situation. This might also prevent others from being placed in the same inappropriate position.
If it was ok he wouldnât care about secrecy, and if it wasnât a roommate she could avoid contact. Neither is the case so I go nuclear regardless of legality.
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Iâd advise a daughter in the same situation to be very wary and tell both the daughter and the dorm person. Iâd ask the roommate to advise my kid to warn them when Dad is coming ( and if itâs possible to ask dorm person if this person can be limited/restricted entirely in visits). And Iâd try to get another roommate asap.
All the markings of a real creep. Possibly more dangerous. In any case, I would not want my kid to feel frightened in their own space. Not happening. Iâd find the wife and also say the same via a registered letter. If you continue to bother my kid, I will hire an attorney and do everything legally possible to make your husbands actions public up to and including informing his workplace. Mark my words, that creep will back off. Someone like that is looking for an easy target. Wouldnât be my kid.
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I donât think I would involve the police, but I would make campus security aware, and possibly the Dean of Student Services. That way, if your daughter does decide she wants to move/get a different roommate, there is a documented reason showing why she wants to do so. It might help to expedite the process.
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Out of curiosity, at what age would you not find the manâs actions to be so scary? If he were 30? A step brother of 25? A 40 year old uncle? An 86 year old great grandpa? An 18 year old kid brother? I would expect that an adult ( male or female) should understand how to deflect unwanted attention (again, from either a male or female) of any age. There is no power imbalance here-he has no authority relationship to the woman. Could be somebody she saw in a bar. Treat him the same way.
It is not the same as a random stranger in a bar or on an airplane. Not even the same as a creepy customer at a workplace. She lives with his daughter, which gives him access to her home. I agree there are all kinds of red flags with this and I am sorry that she is in this position. I would advise her to return the bracelet asap, and I donât think it would be out of line to discuss this with a dean or somebody in authority at the school.
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Shes an adult. No you shouldnt call the police for her.
Does she have a tracker on her phone? Does she have a personal safety alarm?
Id mail the gift back. Id ignore him when possible. If he approaches her shes allowed to say âim busyâ and walk away.
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Might I remind members of the forum rules:
âCollege Confidential forums exist to discuss college admission and other topics of interest. It is not a place for contentious debate. If you find yourself repeating talking points, it might be time to step away and do something else⊠If a thread starts to get heated, it might be closed or heavily moderated.â
I am putting on slow mode since this is my second time saying this on the thread. Plus the OP seems to have vanished. And it allows me time to watch the 1:00 games without having to monitor this thread.
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