I think the creepiness is the secrecy, not necessarily the age difference. If he felt his actions were OK he wouldn’t ask her to hide them. If this was just some man showing interest in a woman that would be different. But he IS the parent of a friend and he is asking her to hide his actions. Those two things make this strange.
PLUS, the girl said he makes her uncomfortable. As a woman I can remember times where men showed me attention and it was just attention and I dealt with it however I wanted. But I also can remember times when the attention just made me uncomfortable…my intuition was that something was off. It’s important not to ignore those feelings. It might just mean she’s uncomfortable because he’s a friend’s father and that is weird to her. But it also could be something more. And she has a right to feel how she feels and react how she feels appropriate.
I’d say the biggest issue I’d have if it was my kid is the person’s access to her living space due to the roommate. Deflecting someone in a bar, social situation or work is one thing. Having a creeper in your house related to the roommate is another. If his intentions were fine, he wouldn’t ask for the silence.
I’m not sure if this is just a friend or a roommate as well.
Either way, I would have my daughter return the gift and let the friend know - and let the dad know that she cannot accept the gift. She owes no allegiance to the dad to keep his secret and his daughter has a right to know. Plus if she wants to keep this friendship, that is not a secret to keep between good friends.
Second, I would have her friend give her a heads up when he’s going to be visiting so she never has to see him - alone or otherwise- he makes her uncomfortable so her friendship does not extend to being around him - ever.
If the friend is also a roommate I’d request a room change and explain to the friend that she’s just uncomfortable sharing space that he potentially has access to.
The first response mentioned roommate, not the OP, a fact that I missed, like most. My opinion remains the same, tell the friend, return the bracelet. ETA, since he makes her uncomfortable she should definitely avoid him, trust her instincts.
Agree with all of this. But as a former shy, naive college student I would never be able to give the bracelet back in person. I would send it back with the note and then avoid him at all costs.
First, the creepy man in the story is NOT the supposed daughter’s roommate. That is an assumption which is not really supported.
Friend, not roommate.
@skieurope is most likely correct, and this is a hit-and-run post. However, it is not a situation that is unlikely, and probably less uncommon than we assume and definitely more common than we would hope.
If this story were true, or if and when this situation arises in reality, I think that the OP’s daughter should speak to her friend. She should also, I think, spread the word among her friends that this man is fishing for a college-aged “special friend”. Since he makes her uncomfortable, and she has no interest in a relationship, she should also return the gift, tell the man that it is inappropriate, and ask him not to speak to her again. If he does, then it is a matter for the police and the campus.
@PrdMomto1 gives good advice as to what to tell a young woman in this type of situation, and this advice is also appropriate for young men of this same age.
Oh, the friend, whose father is handing out gifts, should probably refer the creep to one of the many “Sugar Daddy” dating websites. That is where he can find willing partners, and not spend her inheritance on expensive gifts while ruining her social life, and, worst of all, making the life of many young women more uncomfortable than it already is.
Can we please refrain from stating facts not in evidence.
He does not work for the university. His only association is that his daughter is a student.
The daughter of the OP and the other student are friends, not roommates.
He does not have unsupervised access to the dorm building, much less the sleeping area.
I strongly suspect the OP is a troII. Feel free to but into her story and respond. The only reason I didn’t delete the thread is that the issue does exist in the real world, and there might be a student lurking who needs advice.
This is no different than work place harassment. The woman needs to return the bracelet to the giver and inform the person that she doesn’t welcome his contacts. If he continues then she can engage the campus security and law enforcement for assistance.
My daughter was stalked by a student after she graduated. The school was helpful in putting additional security around my daughter when she returned for a school event, but we didn’t want to file for order of protection because it would have exposed her whereabouts more. It ended by me contacting the stalkers parents to let them what was going on.
In the OP’s case, assuming it was an unwelcome advance, I would contact the father directly and let him what you would do if he did not stop what he was doing. I would also ask the school to move the daughter to another room.
The original post has been edited. It initially contained additional information which I’m pretty sure said it was the roommate’s dad (but I could be mistaken).
Thank you all for the advice. This has been a little rough for my family. Maybe we are overreacting but after doing some research, the man has a history of sexual harassment and sexual misconduct. My post has been edited and that leaves out quite a lot . Am not sure if it allowed to mention names here. Am in the process of trying to get in contact with him and his wife. I agree with counseling and informing campus for the record.Am definitely not a ■■■■■ and this is very terrifying for my husband and I . This is a 65 year old man hitting on a teenager.
I know it’s tough as a parent, all 3 of my young adult daughters have experienced unwanted sexual/romantic attention from men decades older, as unfortunate as it is, it’s not illegal. I also have 2 young adult sons who I hope we’ve taught not to make women uncomfortable. Our daughters know there is no need to polite, regardless of the situation.
You have to go with your gut as a parent. I’d have zero worry about anything other than my kids safety. I’m actually not that surprised the guy has a history.
Yes, we need to teach our kids not to be polite when rebuffing unwanted advances and teach our kids to read the room when it comes to attention/sexuality. But, if they are young, they are still building those skills. I would never put it on my daughter( or son) to have those skills at that age. It may not be illegal but it might not be in your daughters capabilities to deal with this guy. Yet. Operative word. Yet. It’s not surprising creeps often go for young girls ( and boys)
By the time women are in their 20’s, they have skills deflecting creeps. But it takes a while for them to develop the skills and trust their instincts. Until they can deal with this type of situation, it’s up to you to support her and step in, if needed. Good you did given, he’s got a history.
I had a feeling this might be the case (his history). Your daughters intuition telling her something was off was dead on. This is a good lesson for her to listen to it in the future.
I hope this situation gets cleared up soon and he backs off. This is such a stressful situation for your daughter. And his daughter - poor thing!
I have 2 DDs. And if this happened to 1 of my DDs, then I’d probably be advising them to do the following:
talk to campus police and seek their advice.
talk to your RA and get some advice.
talk to the university administration’s ombudsman office and get their advice.
return the bracelet to the roommate’s dad pronto.
if his phone # is on your DD’s phone, then block his # from her phone.
if she is connected to him remotely via social media at all (FB, Instagram, etc.), make her account private and block him from seeing any of her posts.
tell the roommate what the roommate’s dad did.
if need be, ask to change to a different room in the dorm, but sometimes this sort of thing takes time.
talk to the RA to get confirmation of what the rules are for non-resident visitors and tell the RA why you’re worried about the rules and be blunt & honest about the creeper 65 yr old man giving you a $2500 expensive bracelet.
don’t let anybody try to convince you (the student) that you’re blowing this out of proportion and “oh, maybe he was just trying to be nice.”