I want to preface this story with a few important details about myself.
- It was never my objective to hurt this person’s feelings.
- I DO NOT take what I did lightly and I am still filled with a deep sense of remorse four years later.
- I finished high school with a 4.6 GPA.
- I can go to ANY of my teachers and ask for positive character reference.
- This was the my first and final behavioral issue of my high school career.
Let’s get into the story. I went to high school with this girl who is a professional singer in her native country. I befriended her freshmen year. We would tease each other. The topic of race, gender, sexual orientation, and religion were never off limits when it came to said teasing. This was and still remains customary with almost everyone I call friend. My German heritage and lanky build were fair game as well. Fast forward to sophomore year. While we did not talk as much as we use to, we still exchanged niceties in the hallway when we saw each other and would catch up when we could.
I was sitting in math class one day, thinking back on when some people from my class and I edited Wikipedia pages and wrote things about each other. Again, we all knew our actions were in jest and no one was upset. I had remembered that my friend had a Wikipedia page. So edited it. It was mostly dumb slapstick humor. The issue was I wrote a racial joke about the trading of goods for people. Her and I had joked about this kind of thing before, but never through an online medium. I told some mutual friends of ours thinking they would tell her someone edited her Wikipedia page, tell her it me, and then everyone would have a good laugh. What I failed to see was that my words could be perceived malevolently instead of jocular.
The next day, I was called down to the vice principals office. Ironically, I had scheduled a time to talk to him about these people that were threatening some of my other friends and I to not sit at their table. I was not expecting him to ask, “What do know about a site called Wikipedia?” It did not even occur to me that he was talking about what I had done yesterday. He asked me if I edited the page and I responded with confusion, “Wait. I’m in trouble for that?” He was livid, as he should have been. He screamed at me, “Did you really just ask me that‽ Are you kidding me‽ This could be classified as a felony hate crime!” He continued to tell me how it was sexist, racist, and hateful. I looked at him shocked. I could not control my breath. I had one of the worst panic attacks I had ever had. Part of me genuinely thought I was having a stress dream. As the yelling subsided he asked me what I had to say for myself. The only thing left my mouth was, “I need to talk to her. You need to let me talk to her. I need to talk to her.” He interrupted my babbling to let me know she went home. I paused for a moment and then sprinted to the bathroom to vomit. I came back into the office just repeating to myself, “I’m not a racist. I’m not racist. I’m not racist.” over and over again. He told me I’m being suspended for five days and that the parents of my friend may want to take legal action.
My dad picked me up. I do not remember what he said to me in the car. I could not focus because of thought I could not get out of my head: What if she kills herself? And every time it asked, I answered, “I will never forgive myself.” I laid down the rest of the day continuing the call and response until I broke the ritual and I answered with, “Then I should kill myself.”
The next day, my friend and I were walking in a forest preserve. I had told her I was sorry and that I was only trying to make a joke. She replyed, “I know. Don’t worry about it.” We kept walking enjoying the scenery. Moments later, I woke up and realized I had been dreaming.
Those five days were filled with unbearable guilt and self loathing. The vice principal told my mom that my friend had talked to her parents and told them not to take legal action. I took solace in knowing I was not going to be charged with a felony, but I was still terrified about the whole situation. What was I going to say to her? Does everyone at school know. Will I be shunned by my classmates? Will my teachers hate me?
Long story short. None of my classmates shunned me, I was never confronted by someone whom knew what happened, and my teachers still seemed to like me, and apologized to my friend. She said she was pissed at me, but she forgave me. I was assigned 10 hours of community service by peer jury. I did 11.5 hours. They saw that I was genuinely sorry and even offered me a position on the jury. After 2 weeks of moping my vice principal actually called my mom and said that I need to know that it’s okay and forgive myself. I could not do it though. I avoided my friend out of fear and shame. I never went to peer jury because I was scared some of the members hated me after reading what I wrote. I was afraid I was bad person.
I finished high school without another incident. I got a 4.6 GPA. Most importantly, I learned how just how subjective words can be. People as individuals never own the words they say or things they do. People will interpret them how they see fit and there is nothing we can do about that. It’s really taught me to exercise caution with the way I speak and act regardless of their intended connotations and intentions. Yet with all this I don’t think I ever completely forgave myself, but I think I’m getting there.
The point of all of this is:
Do you think this will affect my chance of getting into college? I can’t say I’d be surprised if it does. I think it would be a little redundant to say that I do anything to take it back. I want to go to University of Central Florida and study organic chemistry and then go to National Unviersity of Health Sciences to study naturopathic medicine. I don’t plan on lying on my applications. Should I use my vice principal and the liaison officer that handled the incident as character references? They seemed to appreciate how I felt about the whole ordeal. I don’t know what to do, but I’m scarred that my life is over. My mom keeps telling me I’m overreacting and that the colleges won’t care about a mistake I made 4 years ago, but I’m not so sure. Please get back to me.
I’m not looking for pity. I just want honest advice.
M