<p>Thanks, Cheers! I figured out the basic smilies early on, but these new options are exciting! ;) :) :p :D :cool:</p>
<p>Susan:</p>
<p>when you are posting, click "go advanced" then find the smilie options at the VERY VERY bottom on teh left- click the blue smilies choices and you too can be :cool:</p>
<p>In eighth grade, I had a friend, who was my friend, but was needy too. And when I say needy, I mean that her family was collapsing underneath her. Without going into specific detail, I was the only stable person in her life. And I was 13. It was hard, it was draining, and she was even somone I cared about. To waste that much energy on someone who you don't particularly like that much seems crazy to me. </p>
<p>I managed to be a positive influence for the next few years, but I couldn't help feeling like a parent, not a friend. And when I had problems, she was not someone I could rely on. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it isn't really fair to expect a teenager to carry the problems of another teenager. But I don't really resent her neediness either, b/c I had great times with her too.</p>
<p>Sometimes kids get drawn into the drama of other kids, my girls have learned when it is real stuff, real issues, and when events are manafactured or created to get some excitement....it is a kind of drug, relieving boredom and becoming the center of attention....learning to not take on everyones problems is a good thing, and sometimes stepping back, and getting them outside help is necessary.</p>
<p>Mom55 (& also applies to Momsdream's situation)</p>
<p>Your D may be magnetically drawn to this girl because though she is a b**** she has something quite intoxicating for a kid: POWER. And your D lacks it. I noticed similar stuff from my kids; my son was always fascinated by the horrid jerk boys who seemed so strong, untouchable, cool, etc. My D had to cozy up to the "queen bee" even though this kid's stinger was out 24/7. Both grew out of it but it was not fun while it lasted. I did point out the uncool things these kids did without forbidding contact and little by little it got to critical mass and these friends were let go.</p>
<p>She may just have started off sort of fascinated by this awful girl's power... and then she got in a little too deep. BTW these hideous kids pick the nicest victims!!</p>
<p>Maybe you can focus on her building up your D's personal power-- boundaries-- standards-- etc? Ditto the movie route: see the hideous teen girl films and discuss the "characters."</p>
<p>Perhaps you could also fold some of your D's concerned/nice friends into fun family events, to bolster the relationships with those kids who are caring and nice & reinforce how they treat her right.</p>
<p>It is always incredibly stressful to see our kids mistreated, and even worse to watch them allow/invite it.</p>
<p>One thing (not to be alarmist)-- if she is actually "afraid" to break off, this kid may be really disturbed or threatening; be careful because the mental illness angle can happen about this age...</p>
<p>Good luck!!!</p>
<p>When I was 17 or 18 I had a very good friend that did drugs. My mother was very worried about me and didn't want me to hang around her anymore. I remember telling my mother that I was going to continue being her friend and she could either know about it or not (in other words, behind her back) and if I decided to do drugs it would be because I decided to do them, not because my friend did. And you know what, I never did and I am still friends with this woman 30 years later and she no longer does drugs. (By the way, the reason I liked her then and the reason I like her now is that she has a fantastic sense of humor.)</p>
<p>I didn't want to post about my daughter's experience with a needy friend, but since she brought it up :rolleyes:.
In 8th grade daughter developed a friendship with a girl, who wasn't histrionic, or b****y, or extremely manipulative, but was quite needy, and adrift. I always walked on eggshells with this situation, becoming more or less concerned as their friendship waxed and waned, because this girl had the potential for serious crashing and burning. My DD's friend acquired a boyfriend, a good kid, who has subsequently graduated, and there were times when this boy and my daughter were the only stable things in her life. It became even shakier when the girl and boy broke up, because she began doing some things that DD wasn't comfortable with (I'll let her address that if she wishes). Finally, my daughter's friend moved away out of state, so I never had to address this friendship - this happened just before DD turned 16, so things never really came to a head becuase there was no transportation.
They have remained friends long distance, but while I like this girl, and truly feel for her (kids get rotten things dumped on then that they just don't deserve), I'm glad distance has been put on the friendship.
If DD comes back on, she can comment, but we had a few conversations about distance vs involvement, nad what is appropriate for friends to ask of each other.</p>
<p>usmominuk - on the closed thread re "prestige" schools, there was your issue finding the right fit when you are across the pond. How are you doing on that?</p>
<p>You make excellent points, Kat. Fortunately, I didn't need to interfere in my kids' relationships with friends, because they have done an excellent job (and /or lucked into) picking nice, positive, low-maintenance friends. But I have been the "Mean Mom" and said "no way" to activities and events that I don't think are good for them (e.g. sleepovers where I know noone will sleep, parties with no adult supervision, too many social events w/o time to recover), and I've often said "no" to something that I know my kid WANTS to say no to, but has conflicting feelings about. And I tell my kids that they can ALWAYS blame it on me. ("I can't go to the party. My mom is SO mean!") I give them permission to say no, and permission to back away.</p>
<p>Oops! Sorry. I was responding to a Kat's post from an earlier page.... I didn't notice there were two more pages of posts.</p>
<p>jmmom - thanks for your interest! I am having great conversations with a wonderful CC "ask the dean" person who understands the dilemma and is giving us much to think about. The dilemma, however, still exists....</p>
<p>usmom - Good. You got lucky with AskTheDean, as I did.</p>