Convince parents to let go?

Parent Cafe
1

<p>I'm feeling a little shaken right now, so if the topic is hard to understand I apologize.</p>

<p>I'm 16, nearly 17, and a junior in high school and both my siblings, who are 28 and 26 respectively, went to Duquesne. My family lives just south of Pittsburgh. My parents are aware that I'm am probably smarter than both my siblings, I've had straight A's my whole life, and I'm currently enrolled in 3 AP and several honors classes. </p>

<p>My parents have always beat around the bush about college, I've told them many times that my college selection will be pragmatic, based in what will be the most cost-effective and what will put me in the best situation for the future, I plan on majoring in math and possibly becoming an actuary. I took the PSAT's as a sophmore and scored 210, so I'm assuming I can qualify as a finalist this year, with some studying. At first, I brushed off the National Merit as pretty cheap, but when I did some research, I found there a a lot of schools that offer additional money to finalists. One of these schools is Northeastern University in Boston, they offer a competitive scholarship for National Merit Finalists. I looked into the school and found that they had one of the best co-op programs in the country as well as a very solid math program. Liberty Mutual, I believe the largest actuarial firm in the country, is based in Boston, so I'm thinking that I might be able to co-op with them. On top of all of this, I love Boston, always have, and I think Northeastern's campus is great. </p>

<p>I've spoken at some length about this with my dad, who applauded my thinking ahead, and said that he's sure I've researched thoroughly and it sounds great, and to do well on that test. A few weeks after that, I bring this up to my mom, who, in turn, laughed at me. Claiming that it was too far, and that it wasn't a family-based decision. And that brings me to this moment, all the planning and research I've done is essentially moot. My mom is extremely stubborn and often refuses to compromise or listen to reason. Don't get me wrong, I love her, but she's not exactly easy to make decisions with. I'm feeling pretty deflated right now, crushed, if you will. I've busted my ass for the past 4 years of my life, getting straight a's, volunteering, I've been in advanced math since 4th grade. And when I offer a college that I love, that will put my future in a great place, and may be free (aside from room/board), I get laughed at and told I'm not thinking of my family. Not to be selfish, but, like I said, I've busted my ass for the past 4 years of my life to get where I am now, to be told that it wasn't really necessary. </p>

<p>If anyone has any insight or advice, it'd really be appreciated. I feel like going to school this next week would be pointless.</p>

2

<p>Give your mom some time to come around to the idea. Also, if you go ahead and apply and get in, maybe you’ll get some FA and that might help her. It sounds like your dad is onboard, so don’t give up hope. </p>

<p>Northeastern is a great school, and they basically invented Co-op. But it’s not the only great school in the world, so don’t get yourself too boxed in to a “Northeastern or Nothing” mindset.</p>

<p>Where do you live? Boston has direct flights to many cities, so the “distance” might not be as bad as your mom thinks.</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

3

<p>When my parents informed me I was going to an open admissions community college with two months left of high school, I felt like going to school anymore was pointless, too. That was silly. Don’t be silly. I know youre disappointed but you’ve got some time left to work on your mom to get her to come around, and if you have to pick a college that is closer it won’t be the end of the world. You need to discuss what it is exactly that she had in mind and show that you are open minded to her ideas if you want her to be open minded to yours, and if you can’t find anything that works for both of you then keep trying to compromise. Northeastern is by far not the only good college in the country. This is what it’s like when you let your parents foot the bill-- and even with your tuition paid you are still talking thousands in room and board, if you can come up with that on your own you can do whatever you want. </p>

<p>I am paying for all my college myself but I still needed to get my parents to cosign, and at first they refused if I wouldn’t agree to commute. It took me a couple months but I managed to prove to them that it would be worth it for me to live on campus due to the additional access to resources and more comfortable social situation (after commuting to community college for two years and finding it hard to fit in), and they changed their tune for me. Had they not I would have had to commute or find another cosigner. Such is life.</p>

4

<p>I say have a little faith in your Dad.</p>

<p>BTW, I like your plan … and Congrats on your academic accomplishments!</p>

5

<p>Give your mom some time. You’ve invested great time in researching your options and she’s hearing all this info for the first time. Feed the info to her bit by bit and give her time to digest. Don’t be discouraged! You have been working hard and you need to keep it up. You have time for her to come around especially since your dad is on board. Show her how committed you are to finding the best program for you. Congratulations and good luck!!</p>

6

<p>You will get an avalanche of mail from great schools all over the country after you take the next set of standardized tests. You can start leaving viewbooks for Northeastern (and all of the other great schools that interest you!) around the house.
You have done everything right so far. Don’t let your mother’s reaction bother you. She loves you and she’ll eventually come around.</p>

7

<p>Your initiative sounds great, and clearly your father appreciates it-- I believe your mom will too as time passes. Maybe suggest she and your dad look at CC, get a feeling for the range of attitudes parents have? Might help them feel more flexible. Tell us how it goes. (I’m betting it will go great.)</p>

8

<p>Some people have to work up to new ideas–going from I hate it to It isn’t bad to I wouldn’t mind it to I like it to I love it. If you’re a junior this year, I’d definitely take a college road trip next summer as part of a family vacation, make a stop in Boston and let her see some of the Boston schools (including Northeastern). </p>

<p>It’s hard for moms to wrap their minds around the fact that the “baby” of the family really is ready to move on. But we do come around…</p>

9

<p>I agree with all previous pesters - your mom will likely get more accepting of your plan when time comes. You still have 2 years of HS - make the best of it in order to keep your options open.</p>

<p>I don’t know what are your family’s financial resources, but Duquesne is not a cheap school. So if the only thing that bothers your mom is the distance, and she will not agree for you to move that far away after all, you might be able to get into CMU if you keep your grades up, etc. There will be many other options as well, as long as you keep up with academics.</p>

10

<p>You’re ahead of the game. Good for you. Now is not the time to feel that school is pointless; on the contrary, your junior year is absolutely crucial for college admission.</p>

<p>You have more than a year to work on changing your mom’s mind. You’ve put the idea in her head that you will be looking further afield than Duquesne. Let it slowly percolate.
As for the specific school, NEU is a great school (it was not a couple of decades ago, but it has done amazingly well since). It does have a great COOP program (The MathWorks has lots of summer interns from NEU, for instance). But it is not the only place one can study math or get into a COOP program. So do some more research to find a range of schools that give good financial aid, have the majors that you are interested in and are located conveniently for occasional trips home. And in the meantime, do well in your studies, enjoy your ECs and let your dad talk your mom around.</p>

11

<p>Porshedude, i am in the same boat as you. I am looking at NEU’s math program and my dad is an alumnus of NEU. My mother went to Cornell and she would like me to apply there but i am also looking to balance out academics with d1 sports and feel that NEU would be a great place. Keep your head up and bring your mom to Boston. My mom was impressed when we visited the school and met with some of the math professors.</p>

12

<p>Great opportunity to be an adult working with another adult here. Some quick suggestions:

  1. Don’t go for drama. No tears, shouting, or door slamming (all of which support the notion that you can’t function as an adult</p>

<p>2) Tell your mom that both of you need more information. Tell her you will visit two campuses that she chooses with an open heart and open mind – but it’s only fair that you visit one campus of your choice. Then save (or request for a birthday) for a trip to Boston so that you and she can really see what’s what. </p>

<p>3) Realize that it is kinda stupid to argue about where you are going to go until April of your senior year when you actually have college acceptances in hand. Make a bargain – you will apply to at least two schools that she picks and she should support you in applying to two schools you pick. </p>

<p>4) Since money is a concern, ask her (nicely, no sarcasm) what her advice would be if it ended up being MUCH cheaper if you went away for school than if you stayed nearby.
For instance, if you do get National Merit status, you will have a full ride to University of Oklahoma, or Central Florida or Arizona State or University of Arizona. </p>

<p>5) Also ask, (sincerely, no sarcasm) at what age things change from being family based to YOU based decisions. Fortunately, you have older siblings, so this is territory they know. If the answer is some version of “never” then get the book Toxic Parents by Susan Forward and learn how to navigate so that your heart and mind stay healthy. </p>

<p>6) Recognize you are the “baby” of the family. Birth order matters. Your mom may feel a greater need to govern your life because once you are gone, she may no longer feel needed. </p>

<p>I repeat: It is dumb to battle before you have been accepted (and know the financial details of the offer). Your dad is in your corner, so it sounds like you will be able to fire off an application to the school that (today) appeals the most. Good luck.</p>