Convincing my parents to let me go to college at 17....

Parents Forum
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<p>Hello!</p>

<p>I'm a 16 year old senior who is off to college next year! I live in Florida, and I'm turning 17 next month. My parents however are not thrilled with the idea that I am going to be leaving for school at 17 and possibly going out of state. I mentioned to them that I would be possibly visiting the University of Rochester in April and they freaked and told me there was no way I'm going to Rochester at 17. I informed them of my generous financial aid package of 51k$ and explained to them I would be traveling on the UR's expenses.</p>

<p>However, I am seriously considering go out of state for college, not necessarily the University of Rochester. I will only be 17, however I am a very mature student for my age. I'm gay, and didn't enjoy the high school environment very much so I decided to graduate a year early (I should be a junior this year). This year I don't even go to high school classes at all, I take them all at a local college. I don't think I can do any more to prove to my parents that I am ready for college. I hold down two jobs, working at Papa John's as a Soccer Referee.</p>

<p>Now let's get in to legality. They for sure can tell me that I cannot go to school at 17 if they want to, correct? Their main problem is that I am supposed to be this "Dream Florida Gator" and go to UF and love my life there. However, I told them that I do not want to spend the rest of my life in Florida and that I want to experience outside of Florida, and whereas UF is a great school it doesn't have everything I'm looking for. I don't know what else to do, the only option I may have left is going to a school that allows me to defer a year, and I could work and mature a year at home before I went. I'm a pretty unique person though, I have few friends my age and work well with other people.</p>

<p>So parents, what do you think? Would you let me go at 17? I think I'm responsible enough and if I have managed my academic record (4.54W, 3.88UW, 29ACT) while working two jobs and completing the high school curriculum in only three years, wouldn't you let me go? I drive 25 miles to school everyday just so that I could get a change from my high school environment. School is the most important thing in my life right now, why can't they realize that? My father's only words were this "If he were going for sports or an athletic scholarship, everything would be different"..................</p>

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<p>I would let you go but I also went to college at 16 so I understand. I don’t want any of my kids leaving home early BUT only because I already feel the time I have left with them in school is so short :slight_smile: but I also would let them pursue it if they felt strongly about it since I know what a difference it made for me. Way to go on the great FA package! Does it include any parent loans or is it all on your own? First, don’t take on a ton of loans, but if the package is designed with more grants/scholarship and work study it is certainly one to consider. Is there any way though you would compromise and spend the first year or two in Florida? That may be the way to approach it.</p>

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<p>My D will be 17 when she leaves for college, but will turn 18 the next month so she is a little older than you. I don’t have a problem with it, but we’ve understood that that would be the timing since she started Kindergarten. Usually, when parents say things like this its because of a concern for your well being, so I wouldn’t judge them too harshly.</p>

<p>Two questions: 1) I’m assuming that your parents are aware that you skipped your junior year; were they concerned about that when it first came up? Did you have conversations then about how that meant you’d be starting college a year early?</p>

<p>2) Do they know you’re gay? In your message, I’m hearing a juxtaposition between “I’m gay” and your father saying “if he were going for sports or an athletic scholarship, everything would be different…” </p>

<p>I’m not a lawyer so I don’t know if they can legally bar you from going away since you’ll still be a minor. You do want to maintain a long term relationship with your parents though so I’d try to avoid a confrontational attitude. Are you an only child or oldest?
Good luck!</p>

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<p>Going to college at 17 is not especially rare; many kids turn 18 during their first year at school. I have two in college and they were both 17 when they matriculated. Neither one is by any means the youngest in her/his class.</p>

<p>Good luck.</p>

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<p>DS went to college at 17 also (so did I, btw), having turned 17 one week after his HS graduation. He skipped a grade in elementary school, so he had been with kids a year older than him for years. Altho it’s rare, he was certainly not the only 17yo at colllege. </p>

<p>Maybe you could enlist the help of a teacher or other adult who knows you well to help you talk to your parents about your readiness for college.</p>

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<p>I also graduated from high school at 16. As it happens, I took a gap year and lived with a French family so that I ended up being about the right age when I started college. You sound quite mature and more than ready, so yes, I’d let you go.</p>

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<p>Thanks everyone for your responses!!</p>

<p>Momof10of13of15 - The Financial aid package had 5500$ in loans. I know, kinda steep. I think I may get better FA Packages if I get accepted into some of the better schools that I applied to, but I was very excited that roughly 45k$ of it I do not have to pay back!! I’m not going to compromise though, call me stubborn, but I’m not going to let my parents choose where I go to school. Are they paying any of my school? No. Do they care, ask about my grades, anything? No. Have they supported me? Not really, I kinda do my own thing. I pay for my own gas to get to and from school everyday which is a 30 minute drive, and my parent’s rarely even talk to me about my life. I would respect their opinion more if they have cared about me, which maybe they do. It’s kinda like, okay, I worked my butt off and all I get is a good job, we’re not letting you go where you EARNED to get in to. UR is a competitive school and to get in there at 16, I think that’s pretty commendable…</p>

<p>RobD - Well, they do know I’m gay. Everyone I know knows I’m gay besides my brother, who is in the Marines. Are they pro-gay or even supportive of me? Not really. My dad knew and kept asking about girlfriends until I was like 15 or 16, which was pretty annoying. Though, I must admit their use of anti-gay words has significantly decreased :wink: Personally I haven’t dated anyone in like a year, but it’s just funny how they never ask. I’m pretty upset at the fact that I didn’t even get a “use a condom talk”. Because, most gay guys I know get that even though its a little ridiculous sometimes, it would have been nice. I’m my father’s oldest child, but my mother had two kids before me. I also have a younger sister, whom my father adores :wink: Dad wishes I would have continued playing baseball or soccer, but when you’re gay and harassed at school it doesn’t make it easy, right??? (For the record, I love sports and its the only time my father and I have legitimate talks)</p>

<p>Thanks everyone, including mathmom. You like Math? I want to be a Math teacher one day!! (:</p>

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<p>I was 17 and went 800 miles away-was never an issue</p>

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<p>I like math, but I also liked art, so I became an architect. :)</p>

<p>I named myself for my older son, who used to like math, but what he really likes are computers.</p>

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$5500 is fine. Was it federal (Stafford) loans? Subsidized or unsubsidized? Congrats on getting into UR. </p>

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<p>Denial. Mom does the same thing. Just the wrong gender pronouns and talk of getting a wife someday infuriates me because she knows. Well, I had a long time to get used to it, so I’m going to let her have some time too. </p>

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<p>Lol ridiculous? You do know you still need to use a condom, I hope? </p>

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<p>Math major? Are you planning on graduate school? How much would you need to pay for that?</p>

<p>Is Florida gay-unfriendly? Just curious.</p>

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<p>You need to explain to your parents that you can’t go to school in Florida for a couple of years and then get scholarships to go elsewhere later. The offers are only for incoming freshmen. </p>

<p>Congrats on your FA package! Can I ask what your EFC is?</p>

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<p>And I agree $5500 only in loans is fabulous and very doable. I hope your parents understand that FA packages like that are few and far between!</p>

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<p>There are deeper issues here. I really think that family counseling would be helpful. This is not an insult! It is a suggestion made with the hope that your family can come to a place where everyone can develop true acceptance of one another. For you, this may have to come with a little more maturity (realizing that your parents are doing the best that they can, given their own limitations and their own upbringing), and for your parents, this may mean allowing their love for you to transcend their expectations that you would someday play college sports, marry a woman, have kids, etc.
It is understandable that you want to escape your situation by leaving early for college. However, the very courageous thing to do would be to work with your family to resolve some issues before you go to college, whether you go early or later.
I am concerned that you have “few friends”. Do you have any good friends? If not, this is a red flag.
On a pragmatic note, you need more than condoms. You need a Hepatitis A vaccine series if you have not already had one, of course the Hepatitis B series but you probably had this in infancy if guidelines were followed, you need to consider the HPV vaccine series, you need to consider anal PAP tests in the future depending on your sexual behaviors, you may need HIV and Hepatitis C testing, and you need a health care provider who understands the special health issues faced by men who have sex with men, including the emotional health aspects of gender identity, family dynamics, etc.</p>

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<p>I really do not see what the big deal is, but then I’m not your parents. I know lots and lots and lots of kids who skipped a year and went to college a year early. I have taught quite a few 16 year olds now (over the years) in freshman classes. This is neither interesting nor extraordinary. Perhaps for some who lack maturity, it might matter; but frankly, I think making a big deal over one year is just a technicality. If you were able to do everything until now a year early, what difference should this make? Kids vary tremendously in maturity and a host of other developmental factors at any given chronological age, so the ‘number’ is pretty meaningless by itself. But I have a sense your parents might feel this way whether you were 17, 18 or 19. They are using age as an excuse but it’s really not the issue (so talking about age and trying to work around that is not going to fix the larger problem).</p>

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<p>It’s quite common for freshmen college students to be 17 - not unusual at all. Is it that your parents think 17 is too young to go to college or too young to ‘go away’ for any purpose? I assume it’s the latter. </p>

<p>If they’re unaware (but they probably ‘are’ aware), inform them that the age of 17 is a very common age for students to start college including ‘going away’ to college. When living in dorms the colleges are equipped to ‘take care of’ the students. It’s a transitional time towards some independence yet the path is made easy by providing relatively safe housing, with others of the same age bracket, providing meals, having no requirement for transportation (other than one’s legs if one is able), providing medical services (at many colleges - not all), etc. It’s a little different than if one heads off at 17 to another city completely on their own to find an apartment, find a job, completely support themselves, live in an environment not on a college campus, etc.</p>

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<p>Ummmm. . . what did your parents think you’d be doing next year? I think their problem is not with your age but how far from home you’re considering going. Your parents are suffering from separation anxiety. There have been a number of threads on this topic. Some parents have a hard time letting go; others are proud of their kids’ independence. Too bad your parents aren’t in the latter group.</p>

<p>I’d try to remain as calm and mature as possible. The more you act like an adult, the more they should treat you as one. Perhaps they’d be willing to accompany you on some out of state trips to lessen their anxiety?</p>

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<p>My S had pretty much the same birthday as you and was 17 when he went off to college. True, his college was close to our home, but had he wanted to go further away, we would have let him go. I was 17 when I came to this country as an international student. I had been very sheltered and struggled a bit in my freshman year (English not being my first language and the American higher education system being very different from the French one).
By the way, my S was a math major. Good luck to you. The scholarship from UR is very impressive! If you transfer, you won’t be eligible for the same deal as most scholarships are aimed at freshmen.</p>

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<p>It sounds to me like the main issue is that your dad has always dreamed of you following in his footsteps and going to Florida kind of like the mom in The Blind Side with her Ole Miss allegiance. We went through this with my D and now my S with my husband wanting them to go to the big state school where he went. On top of that the grandparents are chiming in constantly pushing the schools they went to. </p>

<p>My D explicitly stated that she didn’t want to go to a school that any of the relatives had gone to since she wanted it to be her own experience. My D put in last-minute thrown-together applicatons to two schools in-state. She got rejected and wait-listed at the in-state schools (I’m sure they noticed her lack of interest) so then she had a ready excuse for why she couldn’t go in-state. I don’t know if you want to do that but I would suggest you go ahead and apply to UF. It sounds like you will end up with other good choices and can make a good argument for going there. It may take a year or so for them to get used to the idea of you not going to Florida. Our D ended up going out of state and it’s not hard to keep in touch with her through texting and email. My H went to visit her in October for parents weekend and after that he was sold on her new school. </p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

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<p>Standard advice around here may sound counter-intuitive to you at this moment. Here it is (now duck…;)): </p>

<p>The mature response to their anxiety is to reassure them that you love them, want to stay in touch, and will always be family no matter where your life takes you. </p>

<p>The more you give off the vibe that (even for good reason) you can’t wait to say good riddance to Florida, the clingier they will become.</p>

<p>You can talk about Skype, emailing each other, and so forth. They may be getting a signal from you that once you’'re out the door, they’ll be lucky if you ever see them again. Will there still be Christmases, flights home that you initiate, and other promises you feel able to make? Can you tell them how their guidance to this point has helped you enough to feel ready-to-launch. </p>

<p>A mature kid would take into account how his family feels about his leaving, along with how he feels about leaving. If you act the way you hope to be perceived (calm, capable and mature) when discussing the Rochester news, that might change their response to you. For some kids it works; for others, the parents are just too caught up in their own perceptions to budge.</p>

<p>I wish you luck. </p>

<p>I agree l7 is a non-issue. Kids skip grades, have late birthdays, and graduate h.s. in 3 years == hey, I just described my own 3 kids. And CC indicates plenty more do these things.</p>

<p>PS, I’m not sure that applying to UF when you hope never to attend is good strategy. I know local students who very much need separation from family. Some refuse to apply to any SUNY’s, concerned that acceptance would heighten the parental pressure to stay instate. And some sabotage their SUNY applications for that same reason. Wastes everyone’s time and heart.</p>

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<p>gapyearstudent - The loans were both Federal. 3500 was subsidized and 2000 was unsubsidized. “Lol ridiculous? You do know you still need to use a condom, I hope?” - Yes… I learned all of those things on my own. It was just weird that they never even made sure I did though. I’m a smart kid, just wish they would have said at least something. Oh well.</p>

<p>Also, to " Is Florida gay-unfriendly? Just curious. " yeah pretty much. I mean, it’s not horrible but I’ve had my fair share of anti-gay experiences. It has very anti-gay laws, and it’s the worst state when it comes to Gay Adoption. Look up Amendment 2 for Florida this past election and you’ll see how Florida views on Gay Marriage.</p>

<p>mom2collegekids - Thanks! My EFC was 1271 but I also made 2471$ on my own this year, which I pretty much used all of, but unfortunately schools take that income into consideration.</p>

<p>Momof10of13of15 - But they don’t! And that’s the problem. I don’t want to be rude, but they really don’t know anything about the procedures or processes. I’m starting to wonder, why UF (a HUGE party school) over U Rochester (small, but very good academic school w/ great financial aid)?</p>

<p>levirm - I don’t have few friends, what I said was I have very few that are my age. Since I now go to college, I tend to have friends that are 19 to early twenties. I mean I still have a few good friends at my high school that I hang out with, but besides that I really don’t care. I have plenty of friends, it’s not an issue as I have great people skills and I’m very outgoing! I mean, I am not the shy/social awkward kid at the college I go to now, I’m not worried about that at all. I’m rarely stuck in the house with nothing to do, I’m just saying my friends tend to be older people (males and females) whereas my age I only have a few good female friends (most guys my age aren’t pro-sexuality, but I do have a few good guy friends my age). And to everything else you said, it’s in a perfect world. I understand you care about the issue but this is never going to happen with my family and I’m not sure I care as to what happens. I have some major other family problems that I don’t wish to talk about on here, and I do understand all of the health issues. Thanks, though!</p>

<p>ingerp - No, they really don’t want to go on any of the trips. I told them it’s not even likely I’ll attend Rochester, but what’s the harm in visiting? They were silent. It’s so frustrating.</p>

<p>dsultemeier - I don’t think you understand exactly, I was already accepted to the University of Florida. It is possible that I will end up going there, it is just not for sure. I really like the school and have wanted to go, but I want to consider all my options. I haven’t even thrown UF out of the picture, they just want it to be for sure. And funny, they are FSU fans!!!</p>

<p>I am for sure going to college next year, I’m going to answer where I’m going by May 1st. I’m waiting to still here back from 5 schools, all out of state and to see who’s going to offer me the most money if I get in. I’m wondering if I’ll be able to swing USC over my father, I mean look at those USC Cheerleaders!!! The only way I’m not going next year is if I truly decide on an out of state school they won’t let me go to, I’ll defer a year or re-apply, or end up at UF. We’ll see. Thanks everyone.</p>