<p>How about: “College? COLLEGE? We just hope we can keep her out of prison!”
As a joke, then change the subject.</p>
<p>Or perhaps any school they recommend you might say: “That one is interesting, but it’s kind of pricey. Can she count on your support if she doesn’t get enough merit aid?”</p>
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Lol, mini. I wish she was, however thus far that hasn’t been what FAFSA, school websites, people on CC, not to mention S’s and D’s stats have indicated thus far. If you know something we don’t, feel free to break with it.</p>
<p>At many schools there is a huge FA advantage with 2 students in college… but that only helps the overlap-years. You are smart to be looking for merit aid or state tuition deals.</p>
<p>I’m sorry you have to deal with unhelpful MIL input. College research is stressful enough without that. Often the older generation (and even some parents of our generation) are out of touch with college costs. When DS was WL at #1 choice, I explained to my dad that we were leaning toward #3 choice / full tuition scholarship & other advantages… since #2 was $40K more. I think he was pondering an offer of some “help” until he learned that I meant $40K/year difference, not total 4-year cost difference.</p>
<p>“If you know something we don’t, feel free to break with it.”</p>
<p>I know the world is full of people who feel like they have to give advice - some of it good and some of lousy. In the vast majority of cases, they mean well. It wouldn’t get on your nerves in the least if none of it also existed inside you (i.e. wishing she could go to places that you can’t afford, and that her grades wouldn’t qualify her for).</p>
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Alas, with some people you’d just get a bunch more intrusive questions about your own finances, and suggestions that you take out a loan, “get scholarships,” etc.</p>
<p>As to why people don’t like to get these sorts of questions, I think if it’s in front of the kid, it makes the kid feel bad.</p>
<p>I like BCEagles approach:
“You could also go with a preemptive strike and hit them up for money for college before they start bugging you about college "
The followup to that, if you dont get an offer of full funding, could be to hang signs all over your home stating, in bold ,capital letters " Unless you are going to pay for our childrens college education, your input about colleges is not welcome. Thank you for remembering this”.
Then when one of the relatives slips up and brings up colleges, silently point to one of the nearby signs, look at your relative, silently shake your head no, and either walk away or then change the subject. Rinse, repeat, rinse, repeat…</p>
<p>Just “smile and nod, smile and nod”…and don’t discuss college future with them. This is what we had to do with my inlaws. They don’t hold my kids in high esteem anyway (they have their “favorite” grandchildren and ours are not). We made a decision NOT to discuss college with them at all until after the matriculation decision was made. We told them…“we’ll let you know where the kid is going to college when you come to his high school graduation…” and that is exactly what we did. You folks here on CC knew where our kids were going to college before the inlaws did.</p>
<p>It just worked out better for us to handle this in this manner. We had seen how the older nieces and nephews were badgered and we did NOT want that for our kids. Luckily my husband was in agreement on how to handle his parents.</p>
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<p>Winner!</p>
<p>When my parents asked the first college question of my nephew (during his first week as a HS freshman), my SIL intervened, “We’re not talking about college until senior year.” Parents were not entirely happy, but they survived and Nephew had a blessed 3 years free from grandparent pressure, which is more than I can say for my poor D. </p>
<p>From our experience with D, I can tell you it doesn’t work to try to limit, direct, or evade the questions. For us, anyway, I see now that the only thing that would have worked would have been to say, “We have nothing else to say about it; we’ll let you know when the decision is made.” Every attempt to educate them about the reality of college today, every defense of her choices which they had never heard of, every attempt to deflect their firmly held wrong opinions, every conversation of any kind – the only thing I accomplished was to give them permission to keep talking.</p>
<p>I feel blessed in my in-laws. Not only have they offered a small financial boost to each of their grandchildrens’ college funds, their only advice about what college to go to has been “anywhere but Berkeley.” (Did I mention that they’re very conservative?) </p>
<p>Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I897 using CC App</p>
<p>I’m with LasMa; some people cannot be dealt with. We find ourselves with S1 just having withdrawn from school as a senior; S2 was accepted yesterday so in anticipation of the usual inappropriate MIL remarks, my husband walked in, gave her a hug and said “I know you have questions about college and the boys. Nobody is going to be talking about that with you or Dad. What’s for lunch?” and we were resolute in using what we call the “stupid smile” i.e., just vacantly not answering or pretending to not hear.</p>
<p>^^ I like it, both the comment and the stupid smile. You just have to draw a line in the sand. Do. Not. Engage. AT.ALL.</p>
<p>Turn it around. The next time MIL says something like “The Smartalec’s are sending their child to UltraExpensive U”, say “We are saving $200,000 by sending D to Flagship state U”. Then talk about how the Smartalec’s kid is likely to not earn more to make the extra expense pay.</p>
<p>^^ IMO for many parents, that will only invite escalation and further engagement, which only puts the child under more family pressure.</p>
<p>We need to remember how different the world was when they were the parents of HS seniors. State U served the needs and desires of almost all kids, and it was dirt cheap. And a diploma from State U reliably resulted in a good job. None of that is true any more, but you will NOT convince the grandparents of that, no matter how many facts you show them, or how many clever comebacks you use. They simply can’t wrap their brains around the idea of a quarter-million-dollar degree.</p>
<p>They WANT to talk about it, and they WILL talk about it, unless you tell them clearly and directly: The topic is off the table. Period.</p>
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<p>They may be surprised to find out that Berkeley gets a yellow light from the conservative [CollegeGuide.org</a> - Home<a href=“although%20you%20probably%20shouldn’t%20show%20them%20that%20site,%20or%20else%20they%20may%20try%20to%20push%20its%20recommendations%20on%20you%20and%20your%20kids”>/url</a>. Meanwhile, a bunch of schools get red lights from them: [url=<a href=“http://www.collegeguide.org/itembrowse.aspx?f=102-1&m=1&p=1&s=]CollegeGuide.org”>http://www.collegeguide.org/itembrowse.aspx?f=102-1&m=1&p=1&s=]CollegeGuide.org</a> - Browse](<a href=“http://www.collegeguide.org%5DCollegeGuide.org”>http://www.collegeguide.org) . Of course, people who don’t want a conservative school can just invert the ratings, preferring the red light schools.</p>
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<p>Isn’t the problem often the opposite? I.e. back then, Expensive Prestigious Private U was not that hard to get into compared to today, and was not all that expensive compared to today. So the older generation may be pushing Expensive Prestigious Private U even though it may be unrealistic academically or financially, or is not what the student is looking for academically or otherwise.</p>
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<p>They’re still living in and reacting to the '60s. As it turns out, their first-born grandchild went to a Midwestern state’s flagship of which grandma and grandpa strongly approved - and was thoroughly radicalized politically, not to mention discovering she was gay in the process. It’s to the immense credit of my MIL and FIL that while they disapprove of my niece’s politics and her lifestyle, they are still her loving grandparents.</p>
<p>Then you have my in laws who told us last night that we’re crazy if we even think about another college other than the near full ride school…followed 10 minutes later by stating that putting their 3 children through very expensive private high school and college was the best decision they ever made and they don’t regret it for a minute??</p>
<p>We have been blessed – my parents have a “bank” that they match any savings their grandchildren earn and save towards “post-high school education”, which has included an art school, a trade school, a traditional LAC, public flagships and PhD work at Stanford. My mother always has said she doesn’t care what anyone does: “You can be a ditch digger for all I care, but you need a job and a plan”. My dad is hilarious – he actually generated a form for all the students to use to register with the bank once they were 16, and to withdraw their money when they need it for books, etc.</p>
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<p>I got similar comments from some older relatives telling me I should just go to the local CUNY schools back in a period when that system was at its nadir in the early '90s. Ironic considering they all sent their kids to prestigious private or Big 10 OOS publics at full-pay. </p>
<p>Are your relatives the types who’d make an implicit putdown of you/your kids and/or is it due to the fact the near full-ride school had a greater academic reputation during their youth compared with the present?</p>