Could Somebody Kindly Score my essay? From 0-12, please

<p>Prompt:
*
The old saying, “be careful what you wish for,” may be an appropriate warning. The drive to achieve a particular goal can dangerously narrow one’s perspective and encourage the fantasy that success in one endeavor will solve all of life’s difficulties. In fact, success can sometimes have unexpected consequences. Those who propel themselves toward the achievement of one goal often find that their lives are worse once “success” is achieved than they were before.*</p>

<p>Essay:</p>

<pre><code> The saying, “be careful what you wish for,” certainly is a practical warning. Most people have a goal that they want to reach some time in their life, but some have goals that they passionately strive to achieve. Those who fill their minds completely up with their intentions, fail to foresee possible consequences ahead. Therefore, they are narrow-minded and often fantasies build up in their heads, giving them unreal notions of ability and power to reach their goal. This, of course leads to disaster, even if the goal is, in essence, reached. Macbeth and Barry Bonds are two examples of people who ultimately reached their narrow-minded goal, but because of the way in which they reached it, their lives were ruined in disastrous consequences.

Macbeth, in Shakespeare’s Macbeth demonstrates a man with a burning ambition, who succeeds in obtaining his goal, and then realizes that he has gained nothing but disaster and misery in the end. Macbeth desires most to be king of Scotland, and he sets about doing what it takes to reach his goal. Macbeth, narrow-minded by his desire, must first murder the rightful king of Scotland, Duncan. He is driven by such an intense desire for power that he finds himself wrecking havoc on both Scotland and England. A killing machine, he murders whoever he feels threatened by, even his best friends and their families, so that he can become an absolute ruler, without constant fear for his own wellbeing. Macbeth’s goal was to become king, but he was not capable of thinking in advance. When he eventually reached his goal to become King of Scotland, two nations hated him. Even his own army turned against him, and destroyed all that he had worked for. In attempting to bring himself up, Macbeth instead died with not even one friend, a despicable murderer, remembered as a tyrant.

Barry Bonds also had a goal. He wanted most to become the best baseball player. Though he had incredible talent, and became a record breaker as soon as he left collage, he was not happy enough with himself. He needed to become the best. With this one goal in mind, Barry Bonds succumbed to all things that would make him a better player. At first he was honest, training his body to be a stronger, faster, more agile figure. But when he was not satisfied, he began to take illegal steroids that beefed him up and caused him to break already incredible records. He had reached his goal in mind. Up until a few years ago, Barry Bonds was one of the most famous, most loved and highest paid baseball players of all time. But then he was discovered. Alleged to have been taking previously banned drugs, and illegal steroids that would improve his performance, giving him an unfair advantage over other players, Barry Bonds went from most loved to most hated in a matter of days.

Some people, like Macbeth and Barry Bonds would sacrifice their soul for their goal. These people are so filled with themselves that they simply cannot think ahead at possible consequences, (or even inevitable consequences in Bonds’ case). Goals are good things, but when one’s goal comes before the general moral and standards of the culture and interferes with rational thinking, whatever success one gains, will come at a high cost.
</code></pre>

<p>I would give it a five. Clear position and understanding of the topic, great support and nice conclusion and for the most part, it's very well written.</p>

<p>A few words (it's not like anyone would take points off because you didn't have specific words, it's always just nice to have some good words_
- a great word for improve that can be worked into any SAT essay is 'ameliorate'- it means to improve and you could have used that.
- in nearly every SAT essay you'll be talking about what someone wants or what someone believes- put 'vehemently' in front of 'believes'- vehemently means strongly
- instead of gained you could have put 'reaped'
- instead of 'desire' or 'want' say 'crave'</p>

<p>Tips on your essay
- have transitions. Instead of launching straight into Barry Bonds, show the grader that you planned it out. Say something like 'Macbeth was not the only narrowminded person to desire fame and glory- Barry Bonds craved success and his craving was ultimately his downfall'.
- you have a few sentence structure problems- like this one:</p>

<p>Alleged to have been taking previously banned drugs, and illegal steroids that would improve his performance, giving him an unfair advantage over other players, Barry Bonds went from most loved to most hated in a matter of days. </p>

<p>I don't know the technical name for it (maybe a run-on?) but it's not right- you use way too many commas- just take out every comma except the one before Barry Bonds</p>

<ul>
<li>don't put commas when you have two things. Don't say 'I have a dog, and a cat'- say 'I have a dog and a cat'.</li>
<li>don't put commas before parentheses</li>
<li>in your third sentence, don't put a comma before 'fail to foresee possible consequences'.</li>
</ul>

<p>Basically you need to revise commas and their use in sentences.</p>

<p>The only reason you get a five instead of a six is because your essay had a pattern of one particular error- commas. The fact that you didn't have transitions hurt you (SAT graders love them). You're brimming with potential and you're a very good writer; don't be discouraged! Your final score is a:</p>

<p>10</p>

<p>I agree with tim739. Overall, it is good writing and good examples. 10-11</p>

<p>Tim's advice is spot-on. The main thing I noticed, like him, was your comma usage. You use a TON of commas, which gets very repetitive. Look for other ways to connect ideas, use transitional words, and break up some of your longer sentences into two. Some of your commas could actually be removed without destroying the integrity of the sentence. Having a variety of long and short sentences will vary the tempo and make things interesting for your reader; right now, nearly all your sentences are long (or feel long because of all the commas) and hence reading your essay can get very tiring.</p>

<p>Use transitional words to show the relationship between sentences. This will also make reading your essay much more interesting for the reader, and it will help show him/her the logical progression of your thoughts. It's also a good idea to throw a transitional sentence or two between paragraphs.</p>

<p>Overall, though, I think it's pretty good. Your structure and examples are good and the length is great. I would probably give it a 10.</p>

<p>OK, hard graders!!! I think this essay is definitely an 11 or 12 (people here on CC grade too hard, IMO). Let's be honest here, the SAT essay graders spend about 2 minutes on each essay. They look for good use of words, good organization, and good evidence. They don't get a lot of essays as good as this one.</p>

<p>Although, microbiologist56, it doesn't seem like you spent 25 minutes on this essay... in fact, I don't know how you managed to fit that onto the 2 wide-ruled pages that the SAT tests give you... O.O</p>

<p>10 (11 if you're lucky). The comma usage isn't really that bad (though you should try and correct it), and there are definitely transitions between paragraphs, though I do agree that some of your sentenctes are slightly abrupt. The main thing I see, though, is that your conclusion is hastily done and very short. You probably didn't have enough time to expand, but in the future you should try to write at least a sentence or two more...the conclusion is where you can revisit everything and digest it all. You mention the salient points, but I still think there could be more material there.</p>

<p>10 or 11. Good examples.</p>

<p>Thanks so much for all your time. The tips are great, and I will edit the essay with thme, and work on comas! Thanks sooooo much!</p>

<p>I'd say 9 to 10.</p>

<p>Well organized and you don't stray from the subject. I actually noticed places where you were missing commas, (Macbeth, in S's Macebeth**, **demonstrates....") as opposed to having extra ones. Other observerations:</p>

<p>Ruined BY disastrous consequences
wreak havoc not wreck havoc
"desires most" is awkward - more natural would be "M's greatest desire is..."
same issue with "wanted most"</p>

<ol>
<li>Thought-provoking and eclectic examples.</li>
</ol>

<p>You had some awkward phrases in there. I’d go 9 or 10</p>