Critique my essay and I'll critique yours.

College Essays
1

<p>Hey, I'm just looking to get my essay looked at. I'm not the strongest english student out there, and by no means am I comparable to any of the people on here. However, I still want a shot at some of my top choices, and I need some people to look over my common app essay. I'll try to look at your essays too, if you'd like me to.</p>

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<a href="http://puu.sh/75Y9%5B/img%5D"&gt;http://puu.sh/75Y9

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<h2>My essay is in picture form, to prevent copy and pasting, just in case someone would even want to.</h2>

<p>Also, I only really need like 5 people or so to look at it if they want, so don't expect me to critique your essay if you're not one of the first 5 to look to look at mine. But I don't expect a huge turnout anyways, so thanks for your time in advance!</p>

2

<p>I like it a lot. Its a unique message and its very honest to say “I could have been spoiled, but here’s how my parents prevented that.” Can I PM you mine to read?</p>

3

<p>Sure. PM it to me. </p>

<p>But do you think there’s anything I should change?</p>

4

<p>hmmm. In the third paragraph I’d make it “restart counting.” Also I might tweak the last paragraph some to focus on character building and not being spoiled. Mainly I’d look at the “Happiness follows hard work…taken for granted” sentence and try to put in something stronger. Maybe like “You have to work for what you want whether its video game time, an A in (insert hard class here), or your dream job.” Just a suggestion. Other than that, its good as gold.</p>

5

<p>You have been critiqued. Thanks for the exchange :)</p>

6

<p><a href=“http://■■■■■■/76QZ[/url]”>http://■■■■■■/76QZ&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>New revision.</p>

7

<p>Ok, I noticed another thing. Third paragraph I would change “I tried to cheat often” to “I often tried to cheat.”</p>

8

<p>Ah okay. Thanks.</p>

9

<p>Try avoiding redundancy and contractions:</p>

<p>I’m → I am</p>

<p>As a young child → As a child [what child is not young? ]
Fortunately enough —> Fortunately,
My mother was the first to introduce —> My mother introduced … [if she introduced it, she must be the first!]
Read over your essay out loud. I could change it and edit it a lot for wording, grammar, and the sort; however, the essay may start resembling my style if I do. </p>

<p>Mainly, look out for extra words and punctuation. Do not use words if you don’t know the exact way to use them. “I engaged in a bug eyed stare”. Engaged implies that you and someone else are doing an action together. “she and I engaged in a bug-eyed stare-off” [? still sounds awkward]
“I stared at her incredulously” ? o_o</p>

10

<p>Very informative post. I appreciate it a lot.</p>

11

<p>I like it a lot. Its a unique message and its very honest to say “I could have been spoiled, but here’s how my parents prevented that.” Can I PM you mine to read?</p>

12

<p>@Grivacobae, sorry, but it seems that you copied a post found previously in this thread?</p>

13

<p>Curious about where you are submitting this to?</p>