D failed HS drug test/expulsion -- Loss of college scholarships?

Parents Forum
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<p>You are making a huge assumption that selling was involved. Most likely the, "dealer" is one of her friends. It is also quite likely she did not even pay for the stimulants. If she rats out a friend that could destroy her reputation among her former schoolmates. Everyone will know exactly who the informant is. She is being removed from the school.</p>

<p>"Do kids at high school go around threatening others - especially if they are charged with selling prescription drugs?"</p>

<p>IF she did buy from a "dealer" at her school then there is a good chance she could be retaliated against. This could be in the form of being ostracized, harassed, having her home or car messed with. Depending on the crowd it could even be a matter of personal safety. Yes this kind of stuff does happen.</p>

<p>As to how I know that many parents posting on here are naive, I know because I have read many naive posts. ;)</p>

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<p>I think we have to be careful about judging BADad and his daughter. The OP stated that he didn't want to hear posts about drug treatment and parenting since he and his wife were already dealing with that matter -- and treating it seriously. The real question is what can, and should, he do about her college plans and possible loss of scholarship. Of course, that question is tied up in the drug issues, one reason that we've gotten from point A to point B, but I believe we shouldn't speculate too much about what is going on specifically with BADad's daughter.</p>

<p>However, Northstarmom's posts, while perhaps not applicable to this situation (we don't know one way or the other), are important for all parents and students to consider. In high school, in a group of about 20 of my friends, we all did things that would get students today expelled. TWO out of those 20 went on to become drug addicts, one lost most of her nose to cocaine and another suffered a severe stroke because of drug use. You can point to the 18 of us who did not go on to addictive behavior and say that most kids don't graduate to the harder stuff or don't become alcoholics. But if you look at the two who DID, then you realize that there was no way to predict that these two, both A students and one a star athlete and cheerleader, would turn out like that. You just don't know. </p>

<p>As for community college and living at home preventing drug use, that won't work, either. One of my college-age relatives was attending community college for that very reason; he ended up spending the weekend in jail not too long ago for being caught with pot in his car. His behavior at home was pretty much the same as it was in college.</p>

<p>I hope BADAd found some hope for his daughter's future today.</p>

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<p>The school probably has a very good idea who the "dealer" is. Any kid on those meds would be so registered with the school so that he is exempt from issues if he is drug tested. So that narrows the field considerably. </p>

<p>Having seen a number of these "witchhunts" as they are often called, there is not much in terms of retaliation. The kids who distribute are usually expelled summonarily, and the users are suspended, put on some sort of probation, etc. Unless there is a no tolerance rule strictly enforced, in which case all are thrown out. I've yet to hear of any retribution stories, and I have kids in their 20's who went the private school route, and been through many of these trials by fire, having been directly involved in one. </p>

<p>Yes, many of us are naive. I'm sure I am too despite what I know. There is plenty to know. But sometimes we jump to conclusions too. When I made our son go for counseling, the counselor told me how naive I was in some statements I made, and how deep the problem was and how much I was going to learn and how shocked I was going to be. 6 weeks later, he apologized and said he was wrong. In that case I was right on the money, and he for all of his experience was wrong with a number of presumptions.<br>
Doesn't mean I'm right on anything else, but I want to let all know that sometimes things are not as dire as they seem but are exactly as they appear. Bad judgment, coupled with bad luck. Not say the kid should not pay for that bad judgment, but there are things that could happen that may be too much of a punishment. Parents should try to keep control of some of the consequences, until they know more about the situation.</p>

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<p>Everyone has been so supportive and kind that I wanted to respond with an update.... </p>

<p>Well, nothing that we could have hoped for has worked out today.</p>

<ul>
<li><p>we will be clearing out her possessions tomorrow morning. We don't have the final word from the school's admin, but have been told that 9am would be a good time.</p></li>
<li><p>there will be no graduation ceremony for her. At least we got some of the money back on the place we rented for the party.</p></li>
<li><p>the "jury" (i.e. admin) is still thinking about the diploma situation. Abeyance (withhold diploma until some type of treatment program has been completed) has been discussed. We have not gotten to anything final on that</p></li>
<li><p>the hope that we had, that the school would be responsive to our commitment to deal with the issue seems to have not carried much weight. We had no ulterior motives there, but it would have been nice...</p></li>
<li><p>worst of all possible worlds: looks like the transcript will mention the dismissal or w/d, whatever we hammer out tomorrow. This last bit is just too much. Now <em>very</em> worried about college. Not that she was gonna go this fall necessarily; we will definitely wait to make sure she's on the right track, but the risk of losing what we worked so very hard to set up is very difficult to comes to term with.</p></li>
</ul>

<p>We did have an attorney available today, who did provide us some good advice, and which we followed. However, the bottom line is that the school is so serious about a repeat infraction, that they just can't ignore this.</p>

<p>It's been a crushing day, in every single way possible. </p>

<p>The one minor bright spot is that the school social worker who has been deeply involved with this seems to think there isn't really a cd issue, or at worst very early / tentative abuse. But D is definitely at the top of a slippery slope. I'm not sure I agree that it's NOT cd (I really don't know what to think yet), and still plan to have a cd assessment done. </p>

<p>But if it's not CD I'll be looking for a very clear explanation for what happened before she'll go off to college. Still really searching for answers -- she's a really good sweet kid in other areas of her life. Smart, talented, caring. It's a very hard situation.</p>

<p>Again, it's been a very hard day and I know I'm not really on my game in writing this. Will search for meaning / lessons learned and share them as I discover them.</p>

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<p>{{Hugs}} to you all</p>

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<p>Best wishes.</p>

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<p>I am so sorry to hear that...</p>

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<p>I am sorry, Bayareadad. Did you talk to the college counselor at the school? Usually that person is the one who will help address the issue. Your daughter should be the one to write the letter to the college explaining her situation. Believe me, she will not be the only one in that boat. The college will respond much more favorably when she reports the transgression. As I said before, the kids I knew who were involved in this sort of thing at the tail end of senior year, did not lose their acceptances. My son lost neither acceptance nor scholarship. Some kids did have to delay attendence. Please talk to the college counselor for help in all of this. </p>

<p>I did not expect that they would let her stay on. The last weeks of school are fraught with dangers of substance abuse and mischief, and the schools take a tough stance when there is an incident. They will likely give the diploma, and though there may be some indication on the transcript, the preemptive act of writing the college and letting them in on what happens would take care of that. </p>

<p>Again, I am sorry that it was a rough day.</p>

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<p>Northstarmom said:</p>

<p>
[quote]
Even if it looked like a one time offense, no one would know for sure.
I used to work in the substance abuse field. It's virtually impossible for anyone -- including trained counselors -- to be able to tell the extent of a person's substance abuse.</p>

<p>Virtually all abusers lie about how much they use. Everyone claims to have been caught the first time, something that is highly unlikely.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Wow. Sounds like you've abused allot of users in your time. Congrats! Ever think you were wrong about some of them? Has that thought ever crossed your mind?</p>

<p>Ever?</p>

<p>Probably not.</p>

<p>The highly righteous always feign their concern with condemnation and a whip.</p>

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<p>I'm so sorry -- for your D, but mostly for you and her mom, who I know are deeply upset now. Keeping fingers crossed that tomorrow will bring better developments.</p>

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<p>As far as I'm concerned the school is perfectly within its rights to expel her or suspend her and refuse to allow her to participate in graduation-related activities and so forth....but to report her to the college, knowing damn well that you need this merit scholarship to afford it, is purely vindictive and smacks of the worst kind of self-righteousness to me. They were happy to take your tuition money right down to the wire, obviously knowing that something was going on, and then at the very last minute having extracted the maximum benefit for themselves they are going to bring down the hammer and destroy her college plans--having carefully times things so that THEY will bear none of the burden of counseling or supporting her?</p>

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<p>I am sorry to hear this update. Take it one day at a time for now and get through the immediate pain of clearing out. It's possible that the college will allow a deferral with proof of counseling/treatment and keep the scholarship intact for the next year.</p>

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<p>Thanks, cptofthehouse -- we have been advised by the college counselor to have D start on the letter immediately, and that seems like sound advice.</p>

<p>I really don't expect to lose the acceptance, but am deeply conerned about the scholarships. If they go away, there will be no choice but to rethink the search. That might not be all bad, in that a state school closer to home could be a better direction..... who knows, we have a lot to sort through and it will be a while before we are clear on what to do. </p>

<p>Primary interest now is in transitioning into the summer, and determining what sort of structure to setup.</p>

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<p>Absolutely agree w/consolation point of view.</p>

<p>At this point it seems you have nothing to lose so I would bring in the full force of legal intervention and see if an attorney could get a more lenient act concerning the report on the transcript.
My experience has been that the person who makes the most noise usually gets what they want... this coming from the person who always sits back quietly and takes it.</p>

<p>crosspost w/ you Bayarea. Seems like you are already moving on.</p>

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<p>BayAreaDad, my heart is with you and your family. Although this is not the best-case ending, in the long run this will be remembered as a painful but life-changing moment. She will be fine. You will be fine. Now you all just have to find the determination to find the best way toward a happier time in the future. Good luck to the whole family!</p>

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<p>I am so sorry, BADad. I, also, agree with Consolation and, in your place, I would feel betrayed by the school. </p>

<p>I think that sax has a good point that you have nothing to lose, and maybe a lawyer could work out a better agreement about the report to the college. </p>

<p>I know that there are better days ahead for you and your family, and I hope they come soon. Please keep us posted.</p>

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<p>Sorry, but what is a "CD" issue? </p>

<p>BADay--my thoughts and prayers go out to you. You seem like an amazingly good dad. </p>

<p>Let me tell you a true story. When my kid was in 8th grade, a boy in her class developed a nasty crystal meth addiction. He was kicked out of school. He was put into a treatment program and spent a full academic year in it. While in it, he had private tutoring. He didn't want to go back to high school, so he took and passed the GED. (Passing the GED was the goal of most of the other kids in the treatment program and the tutoring program was set up to prepare kids for it. ) His family decided to move to California (from NYC) because his dad got a job offer there and they thought it would be a good idea to give him a fresh start. </p>

<p>Well...California didn't care about the GED. He wasn't 16 yet; he had to be in school. He fought the idea of high school and he did already have a GED, so his parents and the state allowed him to enroll in a CC. He took double the normal course load--thinking he would stop with an associate's degree at age 16. But...he liked some of the courses. He got a 4.0. With California's articulation agreements, he transferred to Berkeley. </p>

<p>None of the kids in his old class knew this..until junior year, when a classmate visited.Berkeley and ran into him on campus. Naturally, the classmate assumed he was also visiting prospective classes. He wasn't. He was a junior at Berkeley. Yep, he was now 4 years AHEAD of his former classmates! And he was doing VERY well academically. </p>

<p>He'd put crystal meth behind him--and there's not much in the world that's more addictive than meth. </p>

<p>I don't mean to imply that your D has the same sort of problem. It's just that everyone knew this kid had gotten kicked out of 8th grade for a crystal meth addiction. It didn't stop him from going to college. </p>

<p>I think your D needs to deal with her "issues." The truth is though that when she has, I'm sure that a good college will be open to her. Hitting bottom now may be a blessing in disguise...and that's true even if she'd only taken a tiny half step down that slippery slope. She doesn't have a criminal conviction on her record. </p>

<p>I may not be articulating this clearly, but it is NOT the worst case that the colleges will be told what happened. Colleges may be more forgiving than the high school. The fact that it's there--on her record--means that she won't have to lie and concoct some bizarre story in an attempt to "cover." In time, this will be seen as a youthful mistake. </p>

<p>God be with you--I mean that sincerely. Your D is very, very lucky to have a dad like you--and some day she will understand that, even if she doesn't now.</p>

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<p>CD is chemical dependency.</p>

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<p>The joys of social networking.</p>

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<p>And said person, charged and arrested, is going to mess around with witness tampering? This isn't exactly brothers in the hood we're talking about. I have a residence in a city where there's a lot of gang activity and weapons in schools are pretty common. We recently had a number of young men assault several officers (one with brass knuckles) breaking up a noisy party. If the private school is tough on drugs, I would hope that they're tougher on gangs.</p>

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<p>Naive is all in the context as knowledge can expand with additional parameters. I would not consider a "naive" post by a person as an indication that a person is naive as we all have are areas of expertise and naivete.</p>

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<p>Thanks, shrinkrap, I was wondering about that, too. Is that the same as an addiction?</p>

<p>I have learned quite a few things from this thread. Kids often "share" their ADD medication with fellow students, who take it as a study aid. Some people say that this medicine is addictive. I gather that these drugs do not produce effects that would be obvious to a parent. Northstarmom's comments, backed by extensive experience, indicate that even an experienced drug counselor cannot determine the extent of dependency. So how is a parent supposed to discover use of this kind of drug by a child, short of random urine testing?</p>