D failed HS drug test/expulsion -- Loss of college scholarships?

Parents Forum
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<p>"As far as I'm concerned the school is perfectly within its rights to expel her or suspend her and refuse to allow her to participate in graduation-related activities and so forth....but to report her to the college, knowing damn well that you need this merit scholarship to afford it, is purely vindictive and smacks of the worst kind of self-righteousness to me. "</p>

<p>I disagree. While I empathize with the OP (remember, I did say that older S had had a major problem with partying), I don't see anything self righteous about the school's actions.</p>

<p>All colleges that I'm aware of want reports from the high schools that its applicants and accepted students have attended, including information about any suspensions or expulsions. For the school to hide such information would not be fair or honest to the colleges that would receive such info.</p>

<p>The OP says that his D has been a repeat offender when it comes to substance abuse issues. I don't think the parents should be spending their time getting a lawyer to try (vainly probably) to keep info off her transcript. I think the parents need to be spending their time getting all the help possible for themselves and their daughter while they are still fortunate that their D is still living with them and financially dependent on them. They have much more control over her life and getting help for her now than if she leaves home to go to college. </p>

<p>After she gets on track, would be the time to deal with the college issues.</p>

<p>Based on what the OP has posted about the D -- repeat offender, punishments haven't stopped the drug use, the D doesn't feel her behavior is a problem-- sending her away from home to college -- with or without a scholarship seems like a bad idea at this time because if she's having these kind of problems while living at home, the freedom of college could make it even easier for her to make unwise decisions. Keep in mind, too, that unlike what occurs in high schools, colleges are under no obligation to inform parents if students have drug or alcohol problems including ones that resulted in legal action or hospitalization.</p>

<p>Nar-Anon or Al-Anon -- the groups for people concerned about loved ones' drug and alcohol use -- also would be good groups for the OP to consider getting involved with.</p>

<p>It's also important to remember that one of the hallmarks of people with substance abuse problems is denial. One isn't being mean or narrow minded to remember this when attempting to cope with someone's difficulties related to their substance use.</p>

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<p>The school is under obligation to report this sort of thing. One of the reasons that the "elite" independent schools are held in high esteem by some colleges and adcoms is that they are forthright in presenting their students. They write extensive recommendations, give much detail, and will discuss things. They also stick to the rules and make the students do the same. There wasn't much chance that a school of this sort would not have the D report the incident to the school. THe school counselor would be experienced in this sort of thing, and may be able to give some indications as to what may happen with the acceptance and scholarship if he has had experience dealing with the college and adcom. </p>

<p>I still think it is premature to think of terribly punitive punishments. A summer of counseling might be in order. It really depends on the extent of the problem. </p>

<p>I hope that home can be a safe haven for the young lady, and that the family works together on this issue. It's a tough go when something like this happens.</p>

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<p>"Thanks, shrinkrap, I was wondering about that, too. Is that the same as an addiction?"</p>

<p>The "Big Book of Labels" (DSM) uses words like abuse and dependency rather than addiction. I think "CD" is being used loosley here.</p>

<p>Personally, taking stimulants in this context sounds more like "cheating" then "getting high", but we are like the blind men and the elephant.</p>

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<p>Thank you so much for the update. I've been thinking about you and your family all day.</p>

<p>I feel so conflicted about your news. I can imagine how you feel. How is your daughter?</p>

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<p>If the schools are required to report these incidents to colleges, then there would seem to be no point in trying for a different outcome. I'd thought from other posts that there was some discretion about whether to put anything on the transcript.</p>

<p>cptofthehouse, what do you think about the drug test so late in the year, and only for one student, when it seems that multiple students were involved?</p>

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<p>NYMom, I don't think we know that she's the only student who was tested.</p>

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<p>Bayareadad:</p>

<p>All of us are feeling your pain right along with you. We all know that, but for the grace of god....</p>

<p>As down in the dumps as you are tonight, I think it's important to keep in mind that, in the grand scheme of things, this ain't the end of the world. Your daughter is healthy. She's gonna go to college, somewhere sometime. Quite honestly, I suspect that with completion of an appropriate plan, her current acceptance and scholarship will still be in a place...and she may have matured enough to actually take advantage of the opportunity.</p>

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<p>I'm so sorry, BayAreaDad. I know things are looking pretty black for you tonight. I've been thinking about you all day today, too.</p>

<p>How is your daughter handling it? Is she mad and in denial or is she accepting responsibility? I'm really praying that all of this gets through to her -- that's what is the most important thing - her well-being.</p>

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<p>BA Dad, I know you're all very preoccupied with the immediate future right now, especially while you're figuring out if your daughter will get to go to the college she had planned on. I know it's trite, but I was thinking that four or five years from now, wherever she goes, your daughter will have made new friends and had interesting experiences that she couldn't possibly have anticipated. No matter where she spends the next few years, at the end of them she won't be able to imagine what it would have been like to have taken a different path. Some of the people she meets in the next few years will probably end up being friends for the rest of her life, or at least a few decades.</p>

<p>When I've had to choose between different schools or jobs, there are always people who make me happy that I ended up where I did.</p>

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<p>You're right, Youdon'tsay, we don't really know that.</p>

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<p>BayAreaDad,</p>

<p>As disheartening as today's events were, I can see some positives to come out of it. </p>

<p>From what it sounds like, she may yet get her diploma from the school. While there may be no style points awarded, it does give you flexibility with her for next year and beyond. </p>

<p>And the consequences with the college may be the best thing for her - a blessing in disguise. She can hold her head up about her acceptance, but understand that losing the scholarship and ultimately the opportunity to attend is a result of her poor decision. Something to learn from and move forward.</p>

<p>Plus, as you mentioned, it would probably be better to have her close to home next year, whether you choose a gap year, a PG year at another school, or a local college option. </p>

<p>And if she ends up at a local college, she will have to prove herself both academically and through her lifestyle choices if she is to transfer to a dream opportunity down the road. Redemption is entirely up to her.</p>

<p>And I'm glad to hear that you will be proceeding with an evaluation with regards to her possible CD. You are keeping an open mind about your daughter's situation while striving to find the truth whatever it may be.</p>

<p>As sad as today seemed, it will work out for the best in the end. The school has had its day driving the message home that she has lost her clean record, but not her academic achievement. It is probably just the speed bump in life that she will need to slow down and live well.</p>

<p>Take car of her.</p>

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<p>BayAreaDad</p>

<p>I have just sat down to my computer. The bedroom is silent except for the soft sounds of my grandson sleeping. A good time for quiet reflection. Thank you for your update. You didn't have to do that, but I know many of us appreciate it. Although this discussion has taken many twists and turns, at it's heart is a deep concern and sympathy for you, your wife, and especially your daughter. Many of us have seen our children stumble, and it hurts like hell. You and your family are in our prayers tonight.</p>

<p>It has been a long day. Perhaps we need to give this discussion a rest, and get a good night's sleep. The sun will come up tomorrow.</p>

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<p>"And how would the dealer know that she was the one?"</p>

<p>OP's D is being kicked out of her school. She will be there cleaning out her locker for everyone to see. Suppose the next day another student ( gets called in by school administrators and accused of "dealing." The kids can connect the dots. Gee I wonder who ratted? People talk, especially in private schools. </p>

<p>"Seems to me that the value of that kind of reputation isn't worth owning if that's how your real friends behave."</p>

<p>That's really sensitive of you. It may be quite easy for you to feel that way coming from your adult perspective. You fail to look at this from the perspective of a teenage girl who has just lost everything. Losing her friends would just make things worse. This is not a black and white situation. Adults need to be concerned and aware of the very real possibility of depression after this girl has experienced so much loss.</p>

<p>“This isn't exactly brothers in the hood we're talking about.”</p>

<p>Have you ever heard of mean girls? You clearly have no idea what life is like for modern teenagers, especially girls. </p>

<p>Bayareadad my heart goes out to you. You are a wonderful, caring dad. I'm wondering what your d has to say about why she used the drugs? Did she use them to study for finals, or was she trying to lose weight? I would be far more concerned if she did this for weight issues.</p>

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<p>BADad, my sympathies to your family. Life really s**s sometimes. As difficult as this is, as devastating as it must be for all of you, you will get though it. No one was hurt or killed, no one will go to prison. In the end, your daughter will be able to achieve what she wants ... her path will just be different than she expected it would be. It is overwhelming right now, but your strong family will help each other weather the extreme disappointment and sadness. The loss of so much of what all of you worked for, planned for, dreamed of is difficult. It is not the end of the road, though. My thoughts and prayers are with you.</p>

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<p>I'm so sorry, BADad. This parenting thing-- it's not for sissies. Just when we think everything is going along so well with our children, wham!</p>

<p>I'm hoping you find the best resolution for you and your daughter. I don't begin to know what that might be, but I wish you and D all the best in finding it.</p>

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<p>If this is a dealer, it's likely that there are others.</p>

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<p>In an academic private school? Surely the girls at this school are bright
enough to avoid felony assault and battery convictions on their records.</p>

<p>I'll have to mention your comments to my teenage daughter. She'll get a
kick out of that one.</p>

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<p>It's the end of senior year for the OP's D. All of the seniors will be moving on to college and to other things. Because of their upcoming life changes, many who are close friends now won't still be friends by this time next year.</p>

<p>If the OP's D "snitches," there won't be much time for retaliation. </p>

<p>Presumably, too, her friends also are involved in using drugs, and if she gets dropped by them, small loss. It would be hard for her to get her life back on track if she keeps hanging out with people who are involved in behaviors that she needs to avoid.</p>

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<p>Hi folks - last post as it's going to be a tiring day tomorrow. Took some time to regroup, ate a little. </p>

<p>D is numb, I think. It's just all so very overwhelming that I just think it's going to take several days (weeks?) to sink in. I honestly think she's just processing the fact that she won't be at graduation or any of the ceremonies.</p>

<p>We're very concerned. It's hard.</p>

<p>Our next steps are to salvage what we can tomorrow, see if counsel can uncover any angles, clear out her stuff, and go home.</p>

<p>Now that we can see past tomorrow, we're planning to set up some type of family therapy (we think) to come to grips with everything. There are some trust issues (with us), and she has already mentioned to the school counselor that she needs to understand why she's made such bad decisions. I was pleased to her that -- it's a start. </p>

<p>As far as ourselves, we're running the whole gamut: I have flashes of anger at her (which I don't share with her, btw, not right now), deep sadness, some bitterness at the school (even though she made her own bed), and concern/anxiety about the summer. It's just very hard... </p>

<p>Been reflecting on how much of the pain is for loss of my own dreams for her. Graduation, a sure thing with college, and most poignantly, a summer of anticipation, looking forward to moving forth into the world. All of that is either gone or seriously in question.</p>

<p>And I can't help but reflect on how much of OUR dreams for HER college/scholarship etc are just that - OURs, not hers. This is a really hard lesson in clarifying what's ours and what's hers. A lesson in detachment, if you will.</p>

<p>We (ok, I) worked very hard to help focus on which colleges to look at, and find the ones that best fit. She took the list and visited, and made her final choices, but she was mostly heads down with a hard school, ECs, etc. I was perhaps overinvested, and I knew it at the time. Paying a price for that now, but perhaps that's as it should be. The takeway is that she will own a lot more of the process going forward, simply because she'll need to prove at least to us if not to herself that she's really invested in where she's going. </p>

<p>At least, that's what I'm thinking now. It may change.</p>

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<p>BAdad,
First, I can only admire the courage you've shown in discussing these tough issues here. I have no doubt that you have your D's best interests at heart and are doing everything possible to help. </p>

<p>It strikes me in your latest post that you have hit on some real pieces of wisdom and self-realization here from the awful events that have been taking place. Perhaps your D felt under so much pressure to perform at this tough school that she felt she needed the meds to keep her head above water. Perhaps this prestigious college with its scholarship (and attendant pressure to continue to succeed) isn't the right place for her. Maybe in the process of family therapy (which I think is a fabulous idea) she will realize that as part of taking control of her life, she might reconsider what kind of school is best for her. </p>

<p>It's hard as a parent to detach from our children and their accomplishments --heaven knows I have been pretty emotionally invested in S's process this year -- but I think you are spot on in realizing the need to separate what's hers and what's yours.</p>

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<p>BAdad, you are going to put us "therapists" out of business!</p>