<p>Reading several other threads where this subject comes up periodically I thought I would start a more direct discussion with parents. Kids are welcome to add to the topic which may be pretty enlightening for some. </p>
<p>I think there was another thread awhile back but I would like to discuss how parents prepare their 13-14 year old kids before they enter a new chapter- high school. Because this is more about their development and age than it is about boarding school. The difference is, we may not have the opportunity to have as much influence that we think we do if they stay home.</p>
<p>This is my experience with my daughter. I started the subject at about 4 years old with the very basics. I have kept a very open dialogue since. Even when she was embarrassed, squeamish at 11 ish. She has turned out to be a VERY modest girl, will openly disapprove of her peers overly sexy clothing and behavior. She does not seem to have any interest in having a boyfriend (or girlfriend) but, is not immature about it either. She is well aware of dating and her older friends relationships. I am sure by this point she has heard plenty of stories of teen romance and possibly sexual behavior. She just has no interest in it for herself.</p>
<p>We also have very mature adult conversations regarding drugs with her from a very early age.. I feel VERY confident this wont ever be something she is tempted by.</p>
<p>Visiting a few schools, the subject of dating has come up on group tours, where parents feel comfortable asking the guides. One of the comments I heard more than once from kids is, that dating is really prevalent very quickly. Relationships tend to be more intense and develop quickly because they see each other so often. One girl started pointing out kids passing by who have been together two + years.</p>
<p>Even though my daughter feels the way she does at 14, I do not assume she will not change her mind in the next 4 years. I am not afraid of her having a boyfriend. I am more afraid of her having her first heart break without me there to console her.</p>
<p>I can only hope that I have prepared her to be responsible with her body and her heart.</p>
<p>I am curious how other parents have or will prepare their kids about this subject knowing once they leave they will not have as much opportunity to guide their kids as these things develop.</p>
<p>“Dating” is rather rare - it does happen and there are long term couples, but it seems to be more difficult because you are with the other person constantly.</p>
<p>Groups form friendships, my D has good friends who are both male and female. They go out to movies, etc. as a group and romance/sex does not seem to be involved. This is very common. </p>
<p>Casual “hooking up” is also extremely common. From my other high school daughter, at home, it seems much the same here. </p>
<p>The schools have very thorough human health, alcohol, drug and sexuality courses that are required first year. </p>
<p>Basically, I think the schools do a good job managing a large group of adolescents.</p>
<p>When I was 11 I got the full drug/alcohol talk. I didn’t know anything about sex until I was 13. Since then I’ve had some amounts of alcohol only under my parents’ supervision and I’ve had sex a few times with the same person since I was 16. I’m 17 now and we’ve been dating for a year. I will probably try pot or a mild drug sometime in the future. However, I wouldn’t do it on school grounds because BS would mean too much to risk it. I also received a talk from my family about experimenting with drugs. They’re pretty cool people and told me if I ever want to try weed, that’d be fine. “Just make sure it isn’t laced”. Their words exactly. However, they both expressed extreme disapproval towards cigarettes and any other drugs. During holiday celebrations, they offer me as much alcohol as I want (I don’t want it or I don’t want much usually). Their rules for alcohol are 1.) know what you are drinking 2.) wait until you’re over 21 to drink anywhere that’s not home 3.) don’t offer your friends drinks and don’t drink your friends’ offers. </p>
<p>I think they did a good job of raising me because I haven’t felt the need to rebel against their rules and I find them very reasonable people. My parents have never been on my case about grades and so far I’ve been a straight A student. They let me stay out as late as I want and promised they will always pick me up no matter what time it is. But I’ve never stayed out past midnight-ish.</p>
<p>Generally agree with 2prepMom. The subject of sex at boarding schools arises every year like clockwork. A bunch of young adolescents coming together for four years is not exactly a recipe for celibacy. Good schools will counsel well, good parents will counsel well, but sex will happen. Hearts will be broken along the way. Studies will occasionally be compromised. Parents who think control can be exercised from afar are woefully mistaken. An eighth grader’s thinking and desires shift radically year to year.</p>
<p>The very best you can do, in my opinions, is not treat sex as a black & white issue with your child before they head off to school. If your child cannot or will not discuss their changing feelings with you because they know you will automatically disapprove of them, you’ve really blown the opportunity to be asked for your advice. It’s much better (and again this is highly personal to each family) to help your child understand how to make good judgments for themselves, in the face of sexual peer pressures, personal desires, or personal fears - all of which will be felt, guaranteed.</p>
<p>As a father to both boys and girls, I confess to an old fashioned view that girls need more coaching around sexual intent, specifically NOT paying attention to what boys say, but only to what boys do. It’s so tough for young ladies to understand the motivations of boys. My wife would argue that it’s difficult to understand no matter what the age.</p>
<p>@Annyuta gotta agree with that… It seems like you’re creating drama. I looked through the blog and it is neither helpful nor creative. It’s mostly (supposedly) kids submitting handmade post cards with a sentence or phrase. The problem I have with this is if there are kids creating them, they didn’t create them. I’ve seen those pictures before on google. The second problem I have is it gives a false impression of Andover. I’m not saying everyone is happy at Andover, but it’s false because it’s not correctly represented. I’m also fairly certain it’s illegal to misrepresent Andover Academy in such a way by insinuating Andover students wrote it.</p>
<p>@Parlabane I understand what you’re trying to do, but I feel like boys should be spoken to more. Girls wouldn’t have to be wary of what a boy is actually saying if boys were taught from early on to have larger respect towards sex. When I get married, I want two boys. From very early on I want to separate masculinity and “getting some”. Guys can be masculine without using girls as objects and always thinking about sex. If I had girls, I would also remind them that not all boys want to have sex either. You don’t hear about girls coercing boys into having sex, but it does happen and most of it goes unreported for fear of not appearing like a “man”.</p>
<p>I feel like my parents have given me a lot of freedom in these areas and have never restricted me from anything, and as a result I’ve never been attracted to any of it, so I hpe that I will continue behaving in this manner even if I end up at bs :)</p>
<p>A special aspect of boarding schools is their ability to create alternatives to the conventional. If it is more conventional that sex occurs for xx% by something age, then these schools have the wherewithal to support kids whose natural inclination is to take it slower. The schools can foster the mindset that DA and sex are not “automatic” or essential to happiness, as many kids in other situations assume. For parents, knowing that the boarding school has rules and is attempting to promote responsibility, there is a complementary message to be given, and the burden of guidance is shared. I find this a relief; not dumping a “problem” on to the school’s lap, but partnering on a similar message. </p>
<p>Our message is that, while you will see some classmates choosing differently, you will not be harmed by staying true to your own sense of what’s right for you, and staying within the school’s rules. Our freshman boy doesn’t seem to want to start a serious relationship or to hook up. He’s quite busy, and, fortunately, he is getting abundant opportunity to see how other boys and girls behave, and getting to form his own opinions with some critical distance. The freshmen girls do not seem boy crazy to me, and there is space to form friendships first, which we’ve encouraged our kids to do for some years. There are lots of dances at SAS throughout the year, and one thing that I really like is that there is some structure that has accrued around them. (Much better than just setting a time and worrying about whether you’ll need to intervene if/when the dancing gets dirty. Opening the new year is outdoor square dancing, and swing also seems to have taken hold.) Twice a year, the the sexes take turns cooking a pre-dance dinner for each other using faculty kitchens, in a quad-dating kind of scheme. Wonderful approach. Freedom to grow relationships, messages to temper obsession and infatuation.</p>
<p>We’ve done sex education at home since the kids were small, but the hardest talks will come during sophomore and junior years, I am thinking, when the first experiences with intimacy have or will soon happen. I’d be well served to have made notes on paper beforehand, just not to be all muddled about the emphasis. Some veteran BS parents have commented on how much more meaningful their conversations with children home on vacation are. “Away” at BS still gives us the opportunity to parent the sex and dating stuff.</p>
<p>What does “hooking up” imply? Casual sex or going out with friends (no sex involved) Very different ideas, but I don’t know what it means for kids these days.</p>
<p>I am very impressed with the exchange of dialogue on this thread. As I suspected, the kids have a very different perspective than the parents. </p>
<p>I too appreciate the support and guidance from BSs’ on the subject and feel it is an essential part of the dynamic. But, I especially agree with Chargers post as well as Parlabanes regarding talking to our kids beforehand and early.</p>
<p>The message is stronger when it is united, in a very straight forward way. Starting open dialogue and frank discussion at 13 is not too early imho, even though these things may not come up for our kids for a couple of years. </p>
<p>I appreciate the kids who were open and brave enough to add their personal wisdom and experience to the discussion. </p>
<p>I had my own eye opener a month ago. While at a friends (mine), my daughter spotted a copy of 50 Shades of Grey and very openly asked my friend, Oh, you are reading this? As if it were Anna Karenina!! My jaw dropped and I had to compose my self before freaking out. I asked her how she knew of that book and if she had read it. “just the synopsis” she said. But it didnt seem too interesting to her so she didnt bother. Although ALL her 9th grade girl classmates were reading it, discussing it and passing it around. </p>
<p>So, they want the information at this age, no matter what school they go to. Its up to us to guide them to real, factual education that they can rely upon when they get to the point of needing it. And if we are lucky, they may even come to us before making any of those very big decisions.</p>
<p>I haven’t read Fifty Shades of Grey, but I’ve been meaning to. It’s a huge step for society that a BDSM book is now mainstream. However, I do know the plot of the book, and I dislike it. BDSM is a type of relationship that has… “special” ways to have sex (I don’t want to explain cause I got an infraction last time. If you’re curious, google it. Warning: NSFW). But it is still a relationship and Fifty Shades of Grey forgets that. It treats sex as a punishment and it’s a bad influence. So while I’m glad an erotica book is mainstream, it misrepresents BDSM culture and basic respect for human life. </p>
<p>By the way, I am not in a BDSM relationship. I just know my stuff. That’s another thing for parents out there. If you think your child will just “discover” things, that’s probably true. Especially since all the parents here have intelligent children, some may feel their child was just get it. But they might not discover the correct information. Google is useful beyond words. It, however, does get things wrong on user forums like Yahoo Answers. Talk to your kids. Start early and slowly. Make sure you give them a different person to talk to as well. Parents, it can be awkward for your kids to talk to you. If they need answers, research some links that has seriously anything a kid can possibly want to know. And don’t forget [Sex+</a> with Laci Green - YouTube](<a href=“http://www.youtube.com/user/lacigreen]Sex+”>lacigreen - YouTube) has great talks on sex in a serious manner.</p>
<p>@HailuMu - I too, have a 50Shades story with my daughter. I had heard some of my friends talking about it and ignored it. All I knew was that it was controversial and sexual. Then, my daughter and I were in the bookstore and there was a big display of it. My first reaction was completely opposite of yours. I pointed it out and asked her what it was about, assuming she would know. She did, saying that she thought it was mainly about bondage and such, that some of her friends had read it. My next reaction was to say, “Oh, I remember a French novel called The Story of O. I read it in English but we might be able to find it in the original French.” Then I told her about the time her father and I walked out of a screening of The Last Tango in Paris that we had attended without knowing anything about it other than Brando was in it! She’s 15.</p>
<p>I guess you could say that we have a pretty open dialogue. That doesn’t mean that she will tell me every. single. thing. and I don’t necessarily want to know everything. Still, I am not so naive to think that even young teenagers are oblivious. My parents NEVER discussed anything even remotely sexual with me. I think my own mother is shocked at some of the conversations that I have with my teens. Some of you might also be shocked.</p>
<p>I have to admit, the most shocking thing about my story (for me) was my reaction. I consider myself pretty open and liberal and quite comfortable with my daughter. I guess because I myself had not read the book, my fear was of the unknown and I was caught off guard. I wish I could say I completely composed myself but my daughter knows me well enough that I probably didnt. And, I suppose my daughter could have read it in part or whole, she certainly has had access (although, she is distraught over lying and would more than likely tell me)</p>
<p>I was talking about this with a co worker recently whose mother is a fourth grade teacher. I guess one of her students was reading it in class. I still havent read it, but I should hope the average 4th grader does not either 0_o</p>
<p>My daughter mentioned many 15 year old girls at her boarding school were reading 50 Shades last fall. It’s one thing for grown women to read, and I thought that over, and I did mention that I do not actually know any real people who act like that. Reminded her it is a work of fiction. </p>
<p>I wonder how reading about such a weird relationship would influence one’s ideas of what a healthy relationship is, if you are 15 and have never even had a relationship of any sort. Scary thought.</p>
<p>@2prepMom it’s (in my opinion) a bad influence. The relationship they have by name is common BDSM, but they way they do it is bad all around. When kids get older they will experiment in all sorts of relationships. Girls who’ve dated guys all their life might have one lesbian relationship. Guys might think maybe it’d be nice to have a fem-dom relationship. Guys might think it’s okay to treat girls the way the main character treats his girlfriend (?). The point is talking to your parents about the normal aspects of sex is already difficult, touching upon other well, touchy subjects is even more difficult.</p>
<p>@PxAlaska: Again, I’d like to say that your comments on Andover PostSecret are completely false. Please make sure you have the correct information before spreading inaccurate information online.</p>
<p>The point of the community art project, as we clearly say on the “about” page, is to “stimulate an atmosphere of honesty, openness, and support on campus. We want to bring to light aspects of life that are often left unsaid, alleviate the pressure of secrecy, and find common ground where you otherwise may not. Above all, our goal is to promote happiness and encourage those in need of help to seek it.”</p>
<p>I’m sorry if the goal isn’t clear to you, but for many students, sharing secrets anonymously is very cathartic. We aren’t trying to represent the school in any negative way; we merely want students to recognize that they don’t have to try to be perfect all the time. We are all human, but that is often forgotten. </p>
<p>Furthermore, your claim that we repost secrets already circulating on the internet is false. We scan each postcard onto the computer as it was submitted to us. They are all handmade. You may recognize photos that students cut out from magazines, but they still design the postcards themselves. Which reminds me: it’s absolutely legal for us to post the secrets as we receive them.</p>
<p>That being said, I understand the concern about not representing the school accurately. Andover PostSecret tends to draw on the more negative aspects of living in such a high-pressure environment. Keep in mind that the secrets you see–while true for some students–are NOT representative of Andover as a whole. Everyone has his or her own experience, and they all differ. Andover can be a hard place at times, but I absolutely love the school, and I encourage you to see beyond these postcards. If you ran the same project in high schools all over the country, I’m sure many of the secrets would be the same. These problems aren’t unique to Andover. And many of the positive aspects of the school are not represented because, understandably, no one keeps those parts secret. In the dining hall, students are constantly talking about their amazing classes, teachers, and peers. The wonderful parts of Andover are celebrated constantly; none of us keep secret what we love about the school.</p>