<p>Title says it all. Do you encourage or discourage? What is the impact of dataing (or not dating), falling in love, having sex, breaking up...? Is it an experience that should be sought, or is it a distraction?</p>
<p>Does anyone really encourage their teenager to have sex? Dating will happen, whether you want it to or not, but I would never encourage a teenager to have sex.</p>
<p>Once your child attends BS, parental perspective on dating/sex at BS matter very little because it is too late. Hopefully you’ve instilled in D/S whatever values and perspectives you want them to consider so they make good choices while at BS. Occasionally, a kid might come home and discuss some of these issues with parents and consider yourself lucky if they do share. But mainly, while at school they are making the calls and we can only hope they draw upon the advice given during their years in your care.</p>
<p>Dating at BS is not like dating anywhere else. My d’s advisor told me living there is like living in a fishbowl - even for the adults. Everyone knows everything about you. Consider dating, having sex, gossip, breaking up, and then having to continue living at school with the ex. Yuck. My daughter does not date, is glad we told her not to, encourages her friends not to, and then she has to help all of them through their heartbreaks when the inevitable happens. My advice, don’t do it.</p>
<p>Exactly PhotoOp!</p>
<p>In a small environment with 24/7 contact, the smallest of “rumors” get blown up and widely distributed in no time flat, whether it is students or staff. </p>
<p>Look at how fast the h1n1 flu takes over schools - and they go to great lengths to keep anyone ill apart. Close quarters spreads gossip and other viruses.</p>
<p>Enjoy the friendship and comeraderie with people of both genders, but keep the bodily fluids to yourself.</p>
<p>Love your last line goaliedad :)</p>
<p>I can’t imagine telling my daughter not to date in bs. She has always shown good decision making abilities in the past and I trust her to act accordingly in this case too. So far, she is doing extraordinarily well at school. She is not dating anyone, but due to her choices, not mine. One of the goals of bs in general is for kids to learn to make good decisions. I think telling them not to date is akin to telling them you don’t trust their judgement.<br>
zp</p>
<p>A little more insight into the “dating” scene at goaliegirl’s school…</p>
<p>I talk to her about guys and what she sees in them. She tells me about the good looking ones, the smart ones, etc., but most of all she tells me that for the most part the “dating scene” is pretty dead at school. Most kids have (at least in the circles she runs in) have too much else going on to spend the time in a relationship. It would seem the ones that do get into dating relationships are the ones with other issues going on and are more likely to have disciplinary issues (not just parietal). </p>
<p>It would seem that if you are lonely and insecure and need the validation of your value as a person by someone of the opposite sex to make you happy, that you are going to struggle in the boarding school life and have issues to deal with.</p>
<p>That is not to say that goaliegirl’s school is a monestary/convent where kids stay entirely focused on their duties at hand, not at all. I’m sure there is plenty of flirtatious activity and the like. It is just that it isn’t all about hooking up or finding that one special person that makes a boarding school experience complete for most kids.</p>
<p>Like zp, I don’t tell her what to do, just listen to what is going on and from what I hear, that is nothing much to talk about by her choice.</p>
<p>And while on topic, goaliegirl and I talked last night. She was busy preparing a presentation for her required health class on one particular STD for Saturday’s class discussion. It would appear that the class is splitting up the various “issues” for the class session. They get to present all the graphical details. I hope that her class isn’t after lunch…</p>
<p>Wow. You parents are so lax and ‘lenient’ on this issue. My parents would never even dream of letting me date until AT LEAST college let alone allow me to stay the night at a guy’s home. It is true, though, that most people who date in high school are less focused on academics and are the more outgoing, flirtatious types.</p>
<p>What age, if there is a specific age, would you start to let your kids date and what rules/curfews do you have for them regarding this?</p>
<p>Thirty. ;-)</p>
<p>I like Ruby<em>x3’s parents’ no dating rule. It is simply unrealistic to expect young people in love or having a long lasting dating relationship to be just as focused on their academic work and be involved in extracurricular activities. And sex is likely to happen at some point in a long term relationship when they are together 24/7. They will just manage to not let the school/parents know about it. I am not sure though even if there’s a rule from the family and not from the school in place they will not break it. As for dating age and dating rules, I say you can start in the winter term of your senior year, and the rule is no sex and no later than 11pm. Ruby</em>x3, are you planning on following your parents’ rule no matter what? What did they say they’d do if you break it?</p>
<p>I have one more year of high school left and I most likely won’t date, and have not dated.
I respect my parent’s rule of not being in a relationship in high school and most of my friends are like that too. At my school, the ones who do date tend to hang around together and go to parties, etc while others refrain from dating but also have a social life. It’s pretty stereotypical.</p>
<p>If I do break this rule I’d probably get a huge lecture and they’d try really hard to get me to stop seeing that person. It’s not really a set in stone rule, though. However, while I follow this rule and agree with it (to a fair extent), I don’t agree with some of my parent’s reasons. They’re quite conservative and think being in a relationship this young equals sex equals pregnancy and I think that won’t change once I enter college. So when I do, I plan to do whatever I want when it comes to dating and relationships. The main reason that they don’t want me to date now, though, is obviously because it may distract me from more important stuff i.e. school, academics.</p>
<p>@ skidad: Haha, nice one. But seriously.</p>
<p>No dating for my girls until they are done with college. As if I could control that. That is what I tell them but I expect that sometime in college they will start dating regardless of what I say. As far as high school - no dating, at all.</p>
<p>I haven’t imposed any dating restrictions on my son. No problems so far…</p>
<p>Like nylecoj007, I didn’t impose restrictions either. My son dated now and again. It never got in the way of his school work. In my mind, saying “no” to a young teenager away at School is like saying no to the tide. It just doesn’t work. Some kids will stay on the beach, others will dip their toe in the water, a few will swim. The best you can do is equip your children with enough common sense to be able to maintain balance in their lives, remember their priorities, and stay safe and healthy.</p>
<p>My son never forgot how hard I had to work to pay his tuition, so while he dated now and again, it didn’t interfere with him doing as well as possible academically, in his sports, and as a prefect. If I had ever gotten a whiff that he was letting dating interfere with good outcomes, I would have warned him once and then pulled him from School if there were a second problem. </p>
<p>A boarding school child should treat the sacrifices made and the opportunity itself with the utmost respect, or not have it at all.</p>
<p>Agree with the above 2 posts. However, we are parents of sons. I think the parents with daughters, especially fathers with daughters, have a different perspective. Most of the daughters manage to date anyway!</p>
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<p>Exactly. </p>
<p>Fathers tend to be way more protective of their daughters than their sons. It’s a double standard that tends to persist. Sons need to be warned of the consequences just as much as daughters. </p>
<p>I find that my son and daughter are much easier to engage in frank discussions of drugs, sex, relationships, etc (those “difficult” subjects) when we’re in the car, especially at night. Perhaps it’s because they don’t have to make eye contact, or because neither parent nor child can run away. Capitalize on that time in the car, traveling to school visits. Just as we parents are worried about dating/sex/drugs at boarding school, so are they. Some people may think that my children are too young to discuss some of the things we talk about (date rape, birth control, peer pressure, sex) but I think the young teen years are the time when they might actually listen to their parents and believe them. Right now, my kids still think I know more than they do (I’m sure that will change!) and it’s what they are most curious about - have you ever been in a middle school locker room? YIKES!</p>
<p>How can a parent really restrict dating at BS? I don’t see how that’s possible. My gosh, they LIVE together. I just hope they remember all the things we have discussed in those car rides and don’t get too creeped out about talking about these things with us when they’re older.</p>
<p>Burb parent - true. I have two daughters as well. Neato - totally agree.</p>
<p>I find that many girls during the teen years (and this is going to sound like the worst kind of sexism) can be much sneakier and conniving than boys. Many times I have seen a father’s outrage (outrage that I can identify with) turn to embarrassment when he discovered that not only was his daughter complicit in a stupid relationship, but had often hopelessly outwitted and manipulated the boy to get there. No longer is the over-sexed, teen-aged boy the sole culprit.</p>
<p>Like a broken record with my daughters, I’d say over and over about boys: pay attention to what they do, not what they say and remember that they don’t care about you for the same reasons you care about them, at least when they’re teens (another terrible generalization, I know). </p>
<p>Often, bad judgments at boarding school are reserved for the kids whose parents have kept them under tight control at home, censored the world they see, avoided open, frank and constant dialogue about thorny issues, and operated with lots of black and white rules. I worry most about these kids because when the dam breaks, it always breaks hard.</p>
<p>I think if you scratch the surface of young kids having inappropriate relationships, you will find that there is something either missing or flawed in the relationship with the parents.</p>
<p>Lots of different failures here. Some parents model behavior different than they talk (risk takers who preach risk aversion). Others try to deny the problem exists and lead the child to find it for themself. Other yet try to use shame as a motivator to avoid the behavior, which when held up to the light of reality exposes the vast number of sinners (who obviously are having more fun) than the saints. And of course, we have those who will just try to lock up the kid away from the problem. Unfortunately, the kids alway find the key.</p>
<p>All of these are examples that come when parents and children can’t talk honestly about the developing relationships in their lives (parent/child relationships do grow). Teaching a child what kind of and how much personal risk they can handle at a given time is a difficult and critical part of effective parenting. Those who struggle with their own personal level of relationship risks are going to struggle more with teaching their children. I personally think there is a part that is inherited genetically (some people are just better judges of feeling than others - ask anyone with an Asperger’s child) and some is environmental (you often model the parenting behaviors of your own childhood experience). </p>
<p>And just remember experience it the thing you acquire right after you need it.</p>
<p>“I think if you scratch the surface of young kids having inappropriate relationships, you will find that there is something either missing or flawed in the relationship with the parents.”</p>
<p>Probably true in way too many instances but certainly not in all. One thing I do know for sure – the reasoning has undoubtedly helped many a well-intended parent sleep better at night!</p>